A Conversation

I like random a lot. I think if it is presented right, it can be artsy. I like artsy. and classy. But, instead of just diving in for that artsy modern effect, I'd rather be fully understood. That could be what this is for. I'm ignoring you so I can tell you what's up with me. And I can ignore you to the point of me forgetting that someone could read this, and then actually saying what really matters. If I can forget myself too. Sometimes, I don't do things because I'm scared of what I will think of me, or it. Like how an artist can be ashamed of an older masterpiece.

I don't think I really fit. In everything something is missing. It makes me so sad. I like everything. I make it happen. Even when I've decided I shouldn't. And as I continue, something is still missing. I end unsatisfied. Sometimes during, or after, or before. I know I should be doing something else, but because I don't know what that is, I don't want to stop doing what I'm doing now. I tried running a little closer to what was wrong, to see if maybe it wasn't. I understand it. It makes sense. I want it to be right. But it isn't. It's a terrible foundation.

And so, as I inadequetely said last time, I have to die. This is no good. I concluded that I am undisciplined, and that gets in the way. It's hard to make yourself disciplined. It's hard to die. And maybe what I thought was the problem wasn't really. They all only end as part of the problem. I don't have a lifeline with my computer anymore, but the problem is still here. What I have suggested to a few, but haven't done because I really don't want to although I should, probably isn't the problem. They might be steps on the way to the solution, but not the solution. They open the doors to the rooms that will lead me to the big boss at the end of the dungeon, but they aren't the boss.

Help me make these more than words. All actions start as thoughts, but not all thoughts become actions. I can't do this alone. I really can't. But I have found no one to come with me. They think it is a bad idea. I don't like the person I am while going the way I am. But I don't think I'm strong enough. Revelations says about seven times that those who overcome will be blessed. There are so many references to perseverance. These must tie in with discipline.

So, at school we were making fun of Mr. Hume
Whhait, Whhhat?
haha yeah, and I was in his class in grade nine, and that's it, and that was like, 4 years ago. So I walked up to the board and drew some mountains and said here are some mountains, and I don't doing this part because it makes me feel old. I was being funny and imitating him, but then one of the kids in hhis geography class said that he said that exact thing! I quoted Hume without knowing it!
haha. Whhat?
Whhhat? Over 9000!?!?
Haha I was waiting for someone to make that joke.
I was in programming class and we were messing about with the explosions in the bomberman game we are making, and james asked how big the explosion size should be, so I told him over 9000, so he made it 9080 or something, and like, a tiny part of the explosion was as large as the entire screen.
haha.
Hey, I was here a couple years ago, and we played worms. What version was it? I've been looking around everywhere for it, but I can't seem to find it.
Umm...I have worms armaggedon. thats the third one. There's worms, worms 2, and then worms armaggedon.
They'll have that on bittorrent?
Probably.
I still remember that time you killed my whole team with...what was it? A rocket strike?
It was probably a banana bomb, or a super banana bomb.
Haha, yeah, those are incredible. I remember one time, there were two worms in under some plants, and I through a holy hand grenade, and it blew a hole down to the water, and I who threw it died, but the other worms somehow managed to land on a leaf.
Yeah, that game is great.
Red Baron 2 is a terrible game that didn't make sense. The music and original video clips from world war one was kind of cool, but you could shoot down an allied observational balloon and get a point not get court marshalled.
Yeah, that's sketch.
Yeah, and it had no retical so you had to aim based on the other planes around and you had to look at the stuff around you, like, actually look around. And if you crashed, you would go to the hospital. If you crashed behind enemy lines, you would go to the hospital, then to prison, then have to escape.

Somehow this conversation led to how it is illegal to attack ambulances, and hospitals probably. Maybe even churches. In D-day, they bombed a town to get the Germans out, and the only thing left standing was a steeple from a church built in the 1600's. They built things well back then. Especially churches. We talked about churches for a while, before we went home. Normal conversation got that close to spirituality. I'm a little bit encouraged.

I was thinking about death. It's kind of scary. I decided that is okay though. It doesn't really last that long. I decided that what happens after death is more important. I wish I were a better wordsmith. Duh Werner, you're a christian. Of course you think what happens after death is more important. Thats not what I'm talking about though. Physically, if I died, I wouldn't mind, but everyone else probably would. What would happen? Well, everybody loves me and they would all cry because they would miss me something terrible. That's not really what I meant either though. I've been under the impression that Jesus calls us to die. Physically isn't generally the calling though. He calls us to 'die to ourselves', whatever that means. Okay. I am dead. Now what? I don't know. I have ideas, some that I think are pretty good. I'm glad this is over though.

I could make up answers. Actually, I think I have a pretty good idea.

Praying songs

I have a good reason for this slip. Or, a good excuse. Several actually. I think it is better if I don't tell you what they are though.

My mind has been blown by simple questions lately. I spend a lot of time at subway. Someone asked me why I went there. Well, I'm employed there, but why? I had no good answer, so I shut my mouth.

I asked my Mom what she thought about the money thing. I reasoned that if we are supposed to give sacrificially, and have no expenses, then I should give all the money I have? We sing a bunch about how we will give God everything. So my Mom asked 'if you gave all your money, would it be a sacrifice?'. You would think so, but then I thought about it, and I don't really need it that much. It just kind of sits there. I guess that's part of why I wanted to try to find somewhere for it to go now.

I found a place for it to go later though. I talked to Ali about ywam, and she said ,yeah you should totally go. Where? Where I went was good. Or you could go to Colorado. Well, I kind of liked Europe better, but England wasn't shouting my name. I said I would look it up, so I did. And decided England wouldn't be so bad.

Recently I've been wanting to get away. Just from here. Not my house; I'm almost never here anyway, but this whole town. There is nothing wrong with it. I've been here for as long as I can remember. And now I want to go.

This place will still be lovely and beautiful, and I can come back one day and talk with those who are still here and go over the 'remember when's and laugh together. It will be wonderful.

More people I know should come to Subway. Eat fresh, or else.

2 Corinthians is such a weird book. It doesn't seem to fit. At all. It's like they were going through Paul's letters...'hmm, well that's all we should take' 'what about this one?' 'nope, that one isn't necessary' but then the other guy put it in the pile anyway. It isn't that bad. If fact, it seems to be some of the source for the beliefs we have today. But...it felt weird reading.

I'm realizing that my life is an example. Isn't that scary? I'm pretty sure I'm not example worthy.

I broke my computer fast in a day...that's a great example. Okay. Let's try again.

I want to tell you about Jesus trees first. They grow in your heart when the Spirit plants his seed. I like them. I like the term. Jesus trees. That is all.

Lighting up the World

If I stop now, that means we made it almost 7 months. That's a good run, right? I mean, you could ask why, but I think I have decent reasons. It gets in the way. It's a distraction. I really don't have time to throw away.

Sometimes, I wish I would be okay with just writing a line. Just one. And that could be all. I think some of them could stand alone quite well. Yeah.

I think I work too much. I feel like a border in my home. Boarder? Whichever. I don't see my family anymore. But they seem to like me more. They don't get mad at me, and are always smiling. Well, as far as I see.

Let's think this thought again. God asks us to give sacrificially. If you have no expenses, would giving sacrificially look like giving everything? All dollars and time? People tell me to save my money. Ok. That's not too hard. But then people talk of not hoarding stuff. Of taking what the Lord gives you as he gives it. Not hoarding. Not saving? I like to think I'm still a kid, and with that, I will say I don't know enough to figure that out. I'll ask my Mom. She knows everything.

If I wrote this 6 hours ago, this would be drastically different. It would have been a rant on how people are stupid. And, I think they are. In general. I know I shouldn't think like that. I also think I am incredible. I thought that was a good thing to think. My self esteem is good and up there. That's important, right? Teens should have good self esteem or they go downhill. I'm starting to think that being incredible isn't worth it if this is all it is. Maybe, once I see myself as not worth it, and God as where everything is at, then incredible will be what it should be.

40 day revolution of prayer. That is what I say I'm doing. I'm really bad at it. I should take my own advice. I told them not to worry about catching up when they missed some, just carry on. It builds up, and I don't do things once they build up. Too much. I won't touch it. That's not my problem though. Shifting of Focus. Again. The 'of prayer' is the most important part. The activities are trivial in comparison.

It's encouraging to know that other people are doing it with you. I know I'm doing it in a group, and everyone in it is doing it with me, but I doubt they are doing much better than I am. An older couple, who are incredible, said they were doing it with us and praying for us. And you know that they are. I felt encouraged. It feels like a second wind.

That care group is almost cheating, I think. They have so many core church members. Maybe there is a correlation. I might insist that there is. I found the heart of the church. Or part of it.

I think I'm going to go away soon. That's what I want to do. I'll stay in Canada I think. I want to go make my own stories. This isn't for quite a while yet though. Maybe a couple years. It's great having so much time to change your mind. I love it.

Everything is connected. But that might not matter.

If you are going to email me, don't. Call me. Or, if you live far far away, email me, then email someone else to tell them to tell me to check my email.

I'm going to write in my paper book instead, because I love paper.

Bubblyub

I don't like my titles. Ignore them all. They don't belong there. I will continue to put them there, because it doesn't look right without them here, but when I look back, I don't like them. My reflection of these is negative. But that's okay, because I'm still reflecting. I don't know where to start for you. I will attempt to let you have it all though.

I've decided the radio isn't so bad. It's free music, and a large selection I would guess. Yeah.

I went to Abbotsford this weekend. I went expecting it to be like something, only better. Like an amazing retreat, but better because there is no speaker, and amazing stuff happens all the time. It didn't feel like that there. But now, my head is going to explode from so many thoughts.

I think I'm going to try to figure out what I want. Once I know that, then maybe I will go. I can make decisions in this light. I can make decisions.

I definitely think I am going to school somewhere next year. Then I thought about that a little more. I don't like homework at all. And where would I end up? I don't wanna go to Uvic. Or Camosun. Maybe they are okay, but I think they are boring. I wanna go somewhere else. I don't think I want to go Summit either though. I guess it could be tolerable, but... I think a lot comes with it that I might not have asked for if I go there. I'm thinking ywam might be decent.
I can talk to Ali about that I guess.

I don't like board games anymore either. We played some for a couple hours. Cronk asked if he was having fun. I told him he was, but I don't think I was really having fun either. I think these games and movies are a waste of time in general. If they are anything useful, they are tools used towards social interaction. As is this, I guess. Except, this is nothing compared to real people. Real people rock.

The college has two different types of people. Uber friendly outgoing people, and super introverted people. Talk to everyone, or talk to no one. Clearly this is exaggerated a little bit. Everybody has some friends. Sometimes I wish I was one of the more outgoing ones. I wish I didn't have to wish things. That would mean I'm content in whatever I'm in. That would rock. I enjoy rocking.

Don't sing quietly. If you are going to sing, belt it out. You might sound better. Or I might. I'm sorry. That might sound mean, and I didn't mean to do that. I know that confidence does wonders. I wish I was more confident. More wishes. Then we could sing together and be amazing. Spectacular. Epic. Legends.

In the church we went to, the guy read the children a story out of a book about an oak tree. When he let them go back to their seats, he told them that he saw greatness in all of them. Okay. So if everybody is great, why do we have people living mediocre? My Mommy says I'm going to do great things one day. Do everybody's mommies say that to them?

Next time you are on the ferry, and the announcement in the beginning is going, stand up in front of one of the doors where all the seats are, at the front or back, whichever it is, and starting acting out what the announcement is saying. Like a flight attendant. And you don't have to be accurate. Have fun. And maybe you'll meet someone. New friends are excellent.

I was thinking about girls. Apparently, I'm celibate, which means I get to have lots of fun and awkward moments. So, since I enjoy that, we will pretend what I am telling you happened a while ago. I was thinking about the girl I like. Not really about her though. I got stuck on the word 'the'. If there is one girl, then everything rides on that. Rejection is crippling. I don't think girls quite get this. But that's okay.

What about all the other girls? If you are pretty much committed to one, can't you treat all the other ones like...I don't know. Apparently it isn't right to treat girls like guys. So how are you supposed to treat them? Chivalry? Well, I like people to be nice to me too, so why should that stop with girls? Okay, so I should be like a servant. The pastor and Bible and Jesus already said this. This doesn't help though. Why should girls be treated differently? And if they are, what is the difference?

There was a conversation had, and it concluded with someone saying that girls and guys couldn't be just friends. Not really.


Apparently a career or job should be you giving something that you possess that other people want. I tried thinking of skills I have that other people want. That didn't go well. But that's okay. I'm still trying to figure out want I want.

Apagar

That James guy is pretty smart. He wrote a book that's famous in some circles. He wasn't very creative though. They call it the book of James. If I wrote a book, and called it 'The Book of Werner'...Well, I don't know. That might work. But my point. In his book, he talks about how every good and perfect gift comes from God. The father of lights. I love that part. I love James. He's incredible. That's not my point either though. He said we should be wise with our tongue, or something along those lines. I suppose you could say words instead of tongue. I'm beginning to find out the hard way that James is right. I should have known. James is always right.

Yesterday, I failed at life. It was my day off. It started ridiculously early despite it being my day of relaxation. That's not really what I intended it for though. It was going to be incredible, with my room all clean and my mind map on my wall; a day I worked hard and got stuff done and could feel better afterwards. Anyway, it started with Cronk and I climbing a mountain. That's right. We climbed a mountain at 7 in the morning. You know you are jealous, and so would have rather climbed a mountain than been sleeping at that time...never mind. I got home about 8:30, and figured I should check out compy stuff. So I did. The other night I heard about a site I should have checked out, so I did. Unfortunately, it was a large site and drew me in. I sort of wanted to leave it alone, But I like finishing things too. I tried. Eventually I quit though. Then I played games. I'm such a dork.

I took my day and ruined it in nothingness. Crap. My room is still a warzone, and my mind map hasn't left my mind. Then I went and voiced some thoughts. Like here, sort of. I'd say less thought out, but it wasn't really. Maybe a little. I'm forced to think as slowly as I type. Anyway, while voicing these thoughts I went and offended one of my friends. That was a great move. Someone should give me an award. For being stupid. Darn.

But you know what's really cool? We sorted it out. Yeah! I love it when things are fixed.

I'm starting to realize that I'm pretty much on the computer whenever I should be praying. I Am close to reaching complete independence from the computer. Just enough blogs that I can count on one hand, and emails left to go. I don't don't know if all of those are cuttable though. Limited? Probably. Something about discipline. In theory, I'll continue to get better at that.

I like the songs we sing, because we can pray them. I was set loose to begin a voluntary research project, and I chose the early church. Apparently, it's supposed to be about answering a question. You've gotta know a bunch about your topic first before you can ask a good question. So I read Act and got halfway through a second book that talks about that church. I've been halfway through that book for a while now. I still don't really know anything. It said something about worship though. It said that they probably took their way of worshiping God as when they were Jews. Well...Know what I mean. In their synagogues, they worship through song, prayer, and teaching. I think that is amazing, and beautiful, and simple. Why does the church meet? For the Lord's supper, according to the book. But they worship through all those and life. I had a point. I liked the point I had. I'm sorry I lost it.

I think my heart might be broken though. Not like, the love of my life left me. Apparently I'm celebate anyway, so that will never be a problem. But it doesn't seem to work like I want it to. 'Let's pray for these people!' 'Well, okay, but I don't really care about them...' Oh dear. My Mom trying to talk to me about money. I kind of didn't care. Indifference is definitely the worst. I like that song though. Take my heart. Make it new. Make it true. Make it like you. Yeah Do It! Fix me, please!

You are supposed to learn from mistakes. Because you remember them. Because something worth remembering happened. What you didn't want to happen. That's how it works, right? Subway is terrible at telling me what to do. I went to 'apply' and was interviewed and signed up to work the next day. Figure it out by doing it. Monday, they told me to put bread in the thing. I don't know how to do bread. I sort of have an idea, but that's all observational. So I brought the bread to the thing, and was told to spray them with water. Oh, and you don't need to spray those ones. Oh, okay. So I put the bread in the thing, and forgot about it. A long time later, someone wondered how is the bread doing? Well, each loaf was about the size of two puppies. Apparently there is a timer that you definitely want to set before putting bread in the thing.

I still make some sandwiches not actually knowing how much of what goes where.

We aren't the only show in town.

Sometimes when I'm talking to people, they start talking to someone else, and my mind goes somewhere else. Then I continue talking from where my mind went. It doesn't make physical sense how I got there, and it seems random, and they won't understand what I am talking about. But, really, details kind of bore me in some things. They make things make sense. But they aren't exciting. They are part of the story and the build up, but I don't know if I have patience for that. I want to jump up to the climax. Having explained this, I feel a little better. The flow is here. And I will tell you where I am.

The Airlock has been given an assignment as individual members, together. It is difficult to accomplish alone, as we are given it, but we are meant to do it together. This might not be making sense yet. More small things. 'The 40 day Revolution' is a book we have adapted to our youth group, and are implementing through the cell groups. It is an assignment for us to do everyday. For me. For them. Each one who participates. It is meant to be a fasting type thing, but we decided that for youth to be fasting food for forty days was a bad idea. It starts Sunday, October 28th.

We should fast something though, right? I went assuming this, and was surprised when my co-leader disagreed. It seems to lose a lot of it's impact if that is missing. We wanted to dumb it down more. We haven't even started yet and we want it easier. We want to be ready; We might not be. We want to be ready for the things God has for us. For what he has. Whatever it is, it will be intense. And if he throws surprises at us and gives something simple, like swimming in a dirty river for a while, that's okay too. This 'fasting' thing is meant to disconnect us from the life that we have in the world a bit, while drawing us more into God's life for us. Into God's life. Closer to Him. It doesn't cloister you away from the world. In fact, it challenges to you go do specific things that you would have never done if not asked. Scary things. Potentially awkward thing. Things that make you reach out. Things that will bust your comfort zone if you so choose to follow through. Choosing some activities over others doesn't seem very...solid.

On the front of the little booklet, it has a verse that said something about Jesus getting up early in the morning, before the sun rose, and praying on a mountain side. I read that, and thought that sounded great. I don't have a mountain side, but I can get up before the sun, right? Well, I decided that late one night, and let the next morning slide. Then the next morning, this would be the day. But it wasn't. Apparently I need sleep more than I know. I am sure that prayer is important to the start of things. So it should happen at the start of my day. I want to be able to do this, but I can't right now. Something needs to change. I should probably go to bed earlier. Maybe the start of my day doesn't have to be before the sun rises?

I made a list of things I could pray for. Before I complained that I had nothing to talk to God about. Now I have a list of things to ask Him. But it isn't like a grocery list. I got the base of this from adapting a thing sent out by the pastor, Pastor John, and forwarded to us through Andrew. It told us how to practically live. But I don't like vague lists of things you could do. That are really hard to do. And a list like that would be pretty impossible. And constant. Like washing dishes. It's never really finished. I took the things it told us to ask God for and made my list. Then I prayed my list. Then I made a sweet picture with my list and put it on my desktop. It was amazing. Then my Dad told me to make the lines go away. The lines were my list. I asked why, and he said he didn't like them. I reluctantly replaced the desktop. That made me a little sad.

The next couple days reminded me that I had told people I would pray for them, but really, I don't pray as much as I should. I intend to pray my list everyday though...So I should add them to my list! I did, and now I have this paper full of stuff to pray for, and would take forever to read through, let alone pray for. I don't think I can do this. But, I have a list. That must count for something.

I think I'm going to try to fast anyway. I was thinking, what should I fast? Well, probably everything I can do without. Isn't that scary? Thursday nights I watch Heroes with Michael Cronk, Christian Gowan, and Joshua Sissons. It's great. I love Heroes. I also watch the new stuff sometime late Monday night or Tuesday. But they can go on without me. And all the new stuff will still be nice and new for me when these forty days are over. I could fast gaming and such things. There are games, I have been told, that I am missing out on, and that I really should play. I haven't yet and I'm fine so far. Movies I've been told to watch. One day. Compy? Well...Completely? I'm already off msn. A different fast with a guy, completely separate from all this. In theory I could tie up most of the ends by Sunday...and if I can, I should, right? We will see.


More than the problem of what to give up is what to do with this time it should free up. I had lots of time once. And I did nothing a lot. I slept. I made myself food. I watched a season that is about 20 hours long in a week. I was a waste. I read in a book that idleness is bad. That we shouldn't be idle. That if we don't work, we shouldn't eat.
Proverbs says bad stuff about sluggards too. I guess I have a huge list I'm supposed to pray through. And a book 66 long that I could read.

I was thinking about something. On a Wednesday, there was a conversation about the other churches in the area. The denominations. About how most of our pentecostal church members are from other churches. Then, kind of accidentally and in a completely different context, not relevant to this in any way, on Friday Andrew said something of the other churches in the area. You're clever. You'll figure it out. Then Sunday kind of clicked a little. I don't even like that song much. The dumb break dividing walls song. Like, I guess it's an okay song, with a good idea. But it is always played intentionally. With an agenda I might say. It isn't a song to be a song, so I don't like it. But, there are a lot of churches in this area. And maybe, we could send people to them? Revive them?

Christian is an evangelist. He works at the anglican church. He says that, as an evangelist, he shouldn't be working inside the walls of the church, but outside of the church. And, as he an evangelist, I agree. We have people to go bring Jesus out to the world, if the world will take it. But could we, these churches here, work at this together? I don't know how to get there, but maybe we could start something. I'm pretty sure something is already started. It would be foolhardy to think I was the first.


I kind of want to start seeing how things are going with the other churches here. Maybe I can do something. Maybe we can change something. Maybe.

By the way, Thrice has a new album out. It is incredible. Go listen to it. http://www.myspace.com/thrice
And the lyrics are powerful too. Look them up.

Start here ----x

I feel like I could be on the edge of something huge. One more step and everything could change. Do you feel like that? What if God showed us things if we only paid attention? I used to pray to God, asking for Him to be clear if he ever spoke to me, because if He wasn't, I probably wouldn't catch it. In English class, you read a story and are asked to find the theme. Maybe. Amongst other stuff. Maybe there are themes in life that come and go? Well, there are, but maybe God could be saying something through them. Saying words is dangerous. You're supposed to back them up. Here we go anyways.

I am involved in stuff at the church. I help with the children's ministry that we are launching new and fresh. I help with youth. I attend young adults. I attend a cell group for Catalyst youth. I also attend a cell group of some of the church members. And then I go to church. That's a lot of stuff. It's good. I'm not trying to brag. I just want you to know where I get some of this stuff from. When I mention these, you can say okay, I sort of know what he is talking about.

The kids program has taken the name of our most recent vbs, Reach. Sunday mornings is run through a kidmo thing. That's okay. So far, I have only been in meetings for that...I don't like those meetings either. But once a month, we hang out with the kids for a couple hours for the evening. Always on a Tuesday. The theme there is prayer, which is sweet because prayer is great, and I don't do it nearly enough. We get kids to write prayers in a book, and over time we will look back and see prayers answered. I decided, for that part, that I was a kid. Then I was disappointed when I discovered I had to give the book back at the end of the night. I'm gonna write so much more in that book when I get it back. Oh man. It's supposed to be for the kids... Lead by example? oh dear...

Catalyst youth is also focused on prayer right now. Sort of. Because Andrew is. He reads this...Whatever. Here is my mind window, and other people don't stop thoughts, do they? Andrew's wife is having a baby! Isn't that sweet? I love babies...But they are all scared of me. Andrew and Nelia went and had some regular tests done, and discovered that the baby might not be as healthy as they hoped. Now they are praying harder than they ever prayed before, and taking lots of people with them. Which is great. I wish I was there. With that much prayer surrounding it, God is guaranteed to be there. Andrew said that disaster will drive you to your knees, but it won't keep you there. Even before this happened, Andrew was talking about how prayer should be more than a thing we do, but a part of us. I agree, and wish I could draw what that looks like. Catalyst youth is fairly new. We changed our name, are downstairs, and are launching it all off in prayer.

I tried to pray a bunch a while back. I would lay there in my bed and try talking to God...and then realize I have nothing to say and fall asleep. Maybe I needed sleep more than prayer? No...err...I heard someone talk about something like that once. Marcel talked about how we needed to start small. Practice praying. Pray for a couple minutes a day. Then maybe five minutes the next week. Ten minutes, building up to the level of prayer warrior, praying for hours at a time. I'm not too grand at practicing stuff though. I might lack self discipline.

The Airlock, the Catalyst youth cell group I lead/attend, is going to do this pretty cool thing. Or, Jon Bryden is going to do this cool thing and bring it to the group where we can share in it. He is going to research on the promises God makes to us in the Bible, and then we can pray God's promises. This excites me. No excuse of having nothing to say. Maybe it will help me pray again. At the youth group, a couple ladies who pray for us came in and said some things about prayer. One said to pray the scriptures. That it was powerful. I believe it.

I have more to say, and hope to tell you. We are on the edge of something huge. Let me tell you about the fictional character of Peter Petrelli. He was a hospice nurse. He had dreams that he could fly. Then he flew, and did some more incredible stuff. He found someone who knew about this stuff and had even written a book about it. He quit his job, and even though everyone thought he was a fool, he pursued this thing. He gave up his life to try to figure out what was going on.


I want to be like that. Wouldn't that rock? So now, what if prayer is the first step for everything? New stuff is popping up, and prayer is the focus. The foundation? How possible is it to be like that? Well, let's break down a standard week for me and see what it looks like.

Let's function in hours. One week is comprised of 168 hours. Say I sleep 8 hours a night. That's the recommended amount, right? 8x7=56. 168-56=112. Okay. Then let's say I work 40 hours a week, even though I don't. 112-40=72. Then, church for 3 hours on Sunday, Airlock for 3 hours Monday, Young Adults for 3 hours Tuesday, Church group for 3 hours Wednesday, Heroes for 3 hours Thursday, and Youth for 6 hours Friday. darn...I should probably cut back. 7x3=21. 72-21=51. So even with all the stuff, there are about 50 hours a week that I don't really have anything better to do in. Sure, there is eating, and bathroom stuff, but the doesn't affect it too much. I probably should have broken down what I do a long time ago.

I don't want to stop, but I work in 7 hours and am definitely not getting 8 hours of sleep tonight.

This is the Airlock

I'd like to think I have a decent memory. But what is the point? You can't go back really, and God sort of as his own plans that always blow away everything that was. I like how things were. Turn back the clock. But it only goes forwards, into the unknown...

Sometimes, I have this feeling in my chest. I can't describe it well, as you shouldn't ask me to, as guys are bad at talking about their feelings, right? I've always attributed it to being God. On occasion I wonder if maybe there is just something dreadfully wrong in my chest, and this feeling is the only sign of it, and I decided it was God instead of this terrible thing that will kill me. But then I figure, it should hurt if there was something wrong. So I continue to think this feeling is God. I thought at one point it might have been from singing during worship, and it just did something weird to my lungs. Or my left lung. Maybe it's all psychological. Whatever it is, I've been feeling it a lot more recently.

Transparent is something worth being I hear, at least with who I like to be with. I'm bad at it though, like with conversations in general. I don't really give straight answers. This annoys some people. As it should. But they will have to wait until I talk about what I think and feel and believe, here. And then they have to find it.

I went to a retreat. A man said some things. He said we should live in freedom. He said freedom was the ability and power to choose to do what is right. He said miracles will happen when we obey God, and listen to Him, and are willing to work hard with Him. This was intriguing. I'd like to see miracles today. Why? Well, probably the wrong reasons. Which is why they might not happen for a while. After this retreat, I was convinced that Subway was a cage, hindering my freedom. You all know what I think of that place.

I walked and listened and prayed for a while. I decided I should quit and go work with my Dad. My friend suggested this. I asked my Dad and he said sure. The benefits would be outstanding. I would learn how to make houses, how to drive potentially, have better hours maybe, get to know my Dad. Later that night, my parents decided to say I should try somewhere else. That I should talk to this guy who works at the Mary Winspear center. It's a place were they have art shows and gun shows and musicals and plays and host some retreats. It has a tower outside of it that has lights on it that you can see from the top of Horth Hill. The guy who works there works with lights. I said, okay. I was saddened. My Father didn't want me to work with him. I convinced myself that it would still be good.

Subway had taught me to ask what should I be doing. Cause really, I have no clue. I thought maybe that was all it had to teach me. I was ready to move on. The guy would teach me how to work the lights. If I knew how to work these, maybe that would help with the youth group one day. And that guy is supposed to install the sound for the church upstairs so we can move that stuff downstairs. I saw that guy today. I was working. I couldn't really talk, because there was a rush. For a long time. He was with my friend, Kyle. That makes me happy. Kyle was always good with that stuff. Does he need me anymore then? There would be no point in quitting unless I had another job lined up. Otherwise I would go back to doing nothing, and I read in the Bible that idleness is bad. 'If a man doesn't work, he shouldn't eat', or something like that.

While at work, I asked them for a couple days off. And they reworked the schedule to make it work. They have so few people. The owner asked me about five times if I had any friends I could bring in. Now, if I left them after so short a time, I would feel bad. Maybe it isn't so bad.

I went to one of the church's cell groups tonight. It is the church's, so there are older people there. People I don't really relate to. But they try, and that's important. I zone out when they talk. I feel kind of bad. They were talking about money and sacrificial giving though. If I gave all the money I made to the church, I would have sacrificed nothing, because I live at home with my Mommy and my Daddy, and I can ask them to buy me what I want every once in a while. Maria asked me what I thought and I told her this. She said the motive was more important. I'm bad with motives though.

On Monday, Bryden said that he thought he read a verse that said whoever mediated on God's words in the morning and at night would be successful in whatever they do. He thought he read it in Matthew. He thought there was a third time too. So, for a couple days I have read the Bible in the morning, afternoon, and before I go to bed. Meditate and read probably aren't the same thing. But why am I doing this? Because I want to be successful in whatever I do. I'm going through Matthew. I wanna see if I can find it in there. Everything is nothing without love. That is what the motive should be, right? Sometimes, I think I missed that.

At the retreat, I was sort of skeptical in the worship for a while. Mosh pits are at concerts. Why do we have kids amassing in front of the stage and jumping around. They look so silly. And I'll become even more undignified than this... oh dear. I never joined them. But eventually I let them go. To each his own. And I let God have my worship songs. The first day at the retreat, I wondered why we gathered together to worship alone. I'm not singing songs for you; I'm singing them for God. And a little bit because I like my voice.

Sometimes I think I am the opposite of what I am supposed to be. Like, I don't think I'm supposed to work at Subway. I feel somewhat disconnected. I guess most kids out of school might feel like that. But I don't think I've really been in touch with my emotions. Despite this, I'm beginning to believe that they are a central part of who I am. I feel silly saying that. Duuhh, of course they are. I enjoy making people laugh. Laughter is good, in most cases. I believe God can be in laughter. It can be bad too though. I want to bring laughter that has God in it. I think that would be a good thing to do.

Ivo told a story. It was about a guy who had a Ph.D and was working, but his Ph.D didn't help his job really. But everybody loved this guy. He worked hard. He was a pleasure to work with. He challenged the pastorate exam, or something like that, and aced it. They asked what books he used, and who his teacher was. The Bible. Jesus. Bam. They said that this guy is a great example, or ideal. I think that guy is who I want to be. Even before I heard that story.

I'd like to think that I connected with God at that retreat. Either something is wrong in my chest or God is there lots more. Do motives correct themselves? I hope they could. If they just led to God, then everything could change... I guess forward doesn't have to be bad.

Milk

Welcome to the nightmare you wished for. Not really, but everyone else said you should want this. And it made sense. You should want this. There isn't really any other way. Well, not that we know of. Not that you know of. You had to. You got mad at those who didn't give it to you. Others felt sorry that you didn't have it. And now you do. Lucky you.

Everyone asks if you like it. They congratulate you. You hate it. You want out. It traps you. You tell yourself that this is a good thing. You are responsible. You are a good citizen. You are doing something with your life. Look at all those good things.

You are dieing. Disconnected. Wasted. You think that maybe if someone else had given this to you, it might have been different. You might have been able to endure. But when you sit and think about it, you know it would have been the same. This is a cage you were tricked into entering. You have chained yourself to it, and trapped inside, there is no escape. This is why they want you to get an education, and go to school, and do something real with your life instead of sitting around and working for a year. In hell.

My name is Werner Schmidt and I am a sandwich artist. I die so you can eat a sandwich. As you might have been able to tell, I am happily employed. This may have been influenced from reading something someone wrote about aging recently. I think I share his sentiments.

I got a song stuck in my head.

Sunny days keepin' the clouds away
I think we're coming to a clearing and a brighter day

So far away. Still I think they say
The wait will make the heart grow stronger or fonder
I can't quite remember anyway

So if you're waitin' for love
Well it's a promise I'll keep
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter

Winter, Spring... is what love can truly bring
Ice turns to water, water flows to everything
You can lose your mind, maybe then your heart you'll find
I hope you won't give up what's moving you inside

If the car won't start, when you turn the key
When the music comes on, all your cold, cold heart can do is skip a beat

It's a promise I'll keep
When you're waitin' for love
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter

Just the chorus though. I enjoy the chorus. Much better than that radio station that tries to be cool and hip and punk and are really annoying. I'm sorry. I'm really not together right now.

I'm being separated from my obsession. My mind is distraught. It feels like I am being unplugged. From my friends. From my obsession. From God. It's unfortunate he isn't my obsession. I blame work. Before I felt close to something. Like I was where I should have been. I was an appliance, with my plug close enough to the outlet the sparks were flying across between us. But then I was taken away. You could make a decent analogy from that.

I am obsessed with Heroes. If it were as easy to be obsessed with God as it is to watch tv...oh man. I can't stop talking about it. I think about it at least once a day. I tell everyone to the point of being annoying, until someone says shut up, and then I feel bad, and keep almost referring to it, but I can't because they don't really wanna know. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could be crazy for Jesus like that? I watched the first season in about three days, split up. 23 episodes. 40-50 minutes each. I intend to go back and view the audio commentaries. I really can't get enough, and then realize how sad I must sound. Heroes will end one day. What will I do then?

I go to a cell group of older people now. The spy cells, even though I'm not supposed to call them that anymore, of the church. They talk about the service from Sunday. They meet every Wednesday. I started going the week after they had their potluck. They told me they didn't have food every week. I told them I knew that. They sing and pray and talk. And I zone out and dream while they talk. About nothing really. I almost enter that state between awake and sleeping. That's when your brains goes nuts and when you wake up you are so confused. None of that happened. Yeah, okay, except for that part. No, that didn't happen. Oh...well, what was it. Maybe we can go back one day. Maybe...except I can't remember.

Is that bad? Should I be trying to focus and think and contribute somehow? Sometimes, I lack opinions. Most times. If I have one, but wasn't confident enough to share it, I come home and write it here, where I can't see you laughing at me. I sound dreadfully insecure. But that's okay. I might be. I don't know.

Jesus loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong. They are weak but he is strong.
Jesus loves me, he who died. Heaven's gates to open wide. He will wash away my sin. Let this little child come in.

Christianity is supposed to be simple. I read a book that says we try to avoid saying that we understand Christianity. If we do get it, why aren't we doing it? So we make buildings and schools and seminaries and say I don't get it yet, but I'm getting closer. We complicate it as an excuse for not doing it. If it is so friggin simple, why can't I do it?

I am so annoyed.

My Alibi

I had some good conversations with some people recently. I think good conversation are probably some of my favourite things. They help me figure out who I am a little, and they let me connect with someone else. It's like fellowship or something. But I can't even have good conversations with all of my friends yet, let alone strangers.

When my friends wanna do something, they wanna DO something. Sitting around and talking isn't enough most of the time. It's harder with more people anyway though. It just seems to degenerate very quickly. I don't think some people really want to talk like that, so they don't. The good conversations, where you talk about something that matters to who you are, and you leave it with something more.

I'm starting to think that there isn't a 'supposed to be'. I keep sitting around and saying stuff like 'God, what am I supposed to be doing?'. What if the supposed to be is null and void because we have Christ in our hearts? What if we didn't wait for the okay and just did stuff anyway? Either that is worded badly or my point is bunk. In 1 Samuel, Sam tells Saul to wait 7 days for him to come and make the sacrifice. Saul waits 7 days, his army starts dispersing, and so he makes the sacrifices, and then Sam comes up and rebukes him. God wasn't with Saul anymore after that.

So, clearly constant communication with God is necessary. A friend and I were talking a little bit about this. I asked him what was stopping us from having this communication with God. He said selfishness. I asked if we weren't selfish, would we have this communication. It didn't seem to work. But then we kept talking, and he said 'deny yourself, take up your cross...and follow me'. So we are in the way. It's always the hardest option. But it's probably worth it. It's hard to live out when you aren't really doing anything though.

That's where my point comes in. If we go and do good works, or try to, or just carry on with life with God...I'm trying to say inactivity sucks. Don't be inactive because you don't know what to do and are waiting for God to come and tell you. I play on an online risk site. I have I friend I play with on there. We laugh at him, mostly in good fun. Sometimes it goes too far. He isn't the best strategist. Sometimes we see it getting tight, so we tell him exactly what to do, and he becomes our puppet. I'm in a game with him currently. He's doing okay. I have some nut case out to kill me. Haha. I'm also encouraging him to think about what to do. This is a long story for a simple point. That most already know. By not telling him what to do, he can get stuck and tough it out and think about it, and eventually become better.

So then by me not knowing what to do, and not being told what to do, I might think and persevere and tough it out and become closer to God and more of a person than a puppet. If I have to deny myself, I might as well learn what I'm denying.

The cell group started on Wednesday. I read a bit of Acts earlier in the day, because I figured that the early church is what the cell groups are the most similar to. There was a passage that I pretty much fell in love with. The disciples wait for the Holy Spirit to come. There are about 120 believers. The Spirit comes. People are amazed. Peter speaks to them. 3000 people were added to their number that day. And then this is how the believers lived.

Acts 2:42-47
42They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. 44All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. 46Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

That's what I'd like the cell group to look like, to some degrees. That we are devoted to what they were devoted to. I've sort of mentioned how I think fellowship should be. Miracles happening...that would be amazing. Maybe not for a while though. That...I don't know. But that we might encounter at brother or sister each day and enjoy encouraging fellowship. That would be incredible. If I could start a revolution, that is what I would want it to look like. For now we will ignore the persecution that came to the church later for being so in love with God.

That doesn't happen instantly though. It's a process, and it should be. Always growing. No step-by-step process. I think that before it even gets to cell group though, it starts in us. If we are to deny ourselves, what do we fill ourselves with? We are to pick up our cross and follow Jesus, but I don't know what that looks like. What if we devoted ourselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer? I don't know. I want to try it though. It starts in us, this potential revolution.

I invited a friend of mine into this revolution. He is in a place were he sees everything as broken and wants to fix it. I told him that it wasn't his to fix, but he asked why he felt so strongly about it then. I was a little jealous. I wish I had things I felt strongly about. I told him, but he said if I was him, I probably wouldn't like it either. I've heard it said that we are all missionaries. All ministers. I think he is a missionary to where he is now. If you go away as a missionary to a far away place, everyone hears of it and prays for you and expects gifts when you come back. If you go somewhere and accidentally become a missionary...that same support just isn't there.

I ask you to pray for these revolutionary missionaries who go ignored.

The Perfect Post

Whenever I promise the best I can write, I never get around to it. I'm saving you from the suspense of waiting for a post that probably won't be coming. Right now I'm listening to someone who got trapped underwater with a guitar or two. Others would say it doesn't sound like that at all. Welcome my perspective. You must if you are reading this.

I think I accidentally fooled one of my friends. He seems to think I have become single minded and revolutionary. I don't know if that's true. It might be. But it's always worse when someone tells you that. It goes to your head. Am I different? I want to be. Maybe it's working. Maybe I just keep doing whatever I'm doing. Man. Talking to people can sure mess a person up. But maybe messed up is good. Maybe it isn't what I'm doing? I hope it isn't...I'm not doing too much, and have many distractions come that last a while.

I'm trying to set something up that will be amazing. When I grew up, My Mommy and Daddy told me smoking was bad, and so was drinking, and so were drugs, and so was not having a home. And sex was bad too. And it might not have just been the parents. So my child mind sees these things as bad, and then the people running into that absorb some of the badness. Not in all the things mentioned. Sex is necessary, but so distracting. My old church gave me wine, and that wasn't so bad. My best friend's dad smokes. But friend's dad are already scary. In the summer, the youth group, now known as Catalyst, went down to the Mustard seed and helped out a bit. I let other people do the helping. I was just sort of there. Strangers scare me. Especially when they look so different. You can't really help how you look when you are on the street. It was sort of then I began to realize this.

I told a friend about this, weeks after it happened, but I did tell him. He said I should go hang out with them at a shelter or something. I said okay. That is what I'm trying to set up. After this conversation, I acquired another book. This guy was pretty intense. He wants to be an extremist for grace. He believes peace won't come until we have the same courage for peace that they have for war. He wrote a book about his life and his ideas. He said it wasn't an autobiography. It wasn't. But you might be able to write a biography for him out of it. He was all about the homeless. It encouraged me more to get this thing going. They are people too. I believe it. I'm still kind of scared of strangers though.

I think that might be because I'm bad at conversation. My friend noted recently that he does all the talking, and I just ask questions to keep him going. I don't know a lot about things to have a conversation. I lack a passion for something, which is unfortunate because everybody has a passion. So I don't know enough about anything to have a strong subject. I might actually be shy, way deep down. My mom told me I was, when I was younger. I lack having some opinions too. I haven't had lots of good conversations in my life, maybe because of this, or maybe if I had, these reasons wouldn't exist. The best ones I've had have been by getting the other to talk more.

So I think it would be awkward to walk up to someone I don't know and start a conversation for it just to stop. One of my friends I was talking to about this said that maybe that's okay. Just go try it anyway. Maybe it'll work. And God is amazing, and can just take over. I'll let him do that. I read somewhere that we should be kind to strangers, because you never know when they might be an angel. Maybe that's a little bit of a stretch, but hey, why not? Jesus said whatever you do for the least of these, you do for me. That should apply to everyone, right? Non-exclusive?

There are my excuses and my attempts to debunk them. I just need a job now, or someone to drive me. Except for the strangers thing. I'm going to go climb a mountain.

But What About...

Everything starts small. I said something like that at least five times today. I almost said to someone that if something started big, it would probably collapse quickly. I'm glad I didn't say that. I don't want it to be true. I want things to able to start big, huge. I know it's a little silly. If you dive into something with all you have though, isn't that big? Maybe.

What if you didn't care about image? This isn't my thought. I stole it. If we didn't act for our image, how much different would we be? Would we act how we wanted? Would we stop trying to make the right people happy? Would we do what mattered to us instead of holding back to see what is cool and trendy?

Do we need to be cool? I've read books that have referred to the Bible lots. I'm not very good at reading the Bible. I've decided I must get better at it. I read a little bit though, because a friend of mine is going through 1 John with me. It says that the world doesn't know Christ, so it doesn't know you. It says that when some people do good things, the people doing bad things will hate them. It says we shouldn't fit and blend into the world. One book said that we shouldn't be cool. He said Jesus wasn't cool, so he doesn't think we should be. I think Jesus is cool. I think I get what he is saying though. It seems so complicated.


I'm a little bit of a control freak. A dic tator maybe. I don't think that's how leaders should be. I think they should be something else. More open maybe. More I-don't-know-what-is-going-on-either-but-here-we-go. I don't like planning. Somehow I'm in a ministry with the church, and they keep having these meetings. I don't like them. They are long and boring, and in the end, they get about half a page down. Sweet..2 hours to get half a page. I think the best plans come when you aren't having planning meetings. They just happen. 2 or 3 people. No committees... Dictator. But I don't want events to be choreographed like a play or a musical. But then they become directionless. Some planning is needed, I guess.

Planning would have been nice now. Then I could more adequately present my thoughts to you. Tell you what. I will wait a day or two or more, and then present you with the most beautiful post I can write.

I almost drowned today.

A couple days ago, I day camp started for some kids, so us leaders met together and did some devotions to keep us tight with God. Groovy. We were told to find a fear that we have. To talk about it for a minute or two. I don't think about that a lot, so it took a bit, it ending up with me saying rejection. I almost thought it might have just been thrown out there to satisfy the demand. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. A few weeks ago, I told someone I was bad at doing stuff alone, like getting jobs or maybe even a girlfriend. I don't want one right now, but if I did, I would be bad at it. I was when I did. But it makes more sense to say that I'm bad at stuff because I'm scared of rejection. You don't have to worry about being rejected with your friends, or with a church group, unless you have sex as a teen, so you wouldn't really have to worry about rejection. It almost isn't even an option. But if out of this comfort zone, you're paralyzed with this fear, or just rendered useless, how can you adequately serve God? In 1 John it says that 'perfect love drives out fear'. In the group we said,'hey, what people think doesn't really matter in that regard. God loves me, so who cares if they don't?' Maybe, God can just deal with it for me.

A few years ago, I used to think that I wasn't really a person. I was just bits and pieces of other people around me, smashed all together. Like Frankenstein's monster. I think I'm my own person now. But I was having a good conversation, and the other described a combination of three people he thought could perhaps replace him when he left. It's an interesting idea. If you hang out with someone long enough, you become a bit of them, and they start to look a little more like you. In their person. That's probably why it's such a good idea to hang out with God so much. Character rubs off. I think I would probably be...

Really annoyed at television. Anywhere in my house. You can hear it. All the time. I really don't like it. It's distracting and loud and pointless. Satan-vision, as I heard a hero of mine call it once.

Wouldn't it be handy if we could stay up all the time? Didn't need sleep. Wouldn't we be so efficient? Well, considering how we use our time now, probably not. Spend days doing nothing. Yes, and then we can stay up for our nights, also doing nothing. I enjoy sleeping, and wouldn't pass it up for nothing. I don't think hanging out with friends is nothing. But I think most of my time spent with them might be wasted. Good conversations might be one of the best things around. I don't have a lot of them. Mostly because I don't have much knowledge of anything to talk about. The price of not having a passion. I guess it might also be because good conversations could go places we don't want to. I like them though. I think I want to have more of them.

Most of this blog is a badly repeated collage of good conversations I've had recently. So you should either recognize some of this blog from something said recently, live far away from me, or are due for a good conversation.

Welcome to Blogger

I'm so happy right now. If I could play music, I would make a song right now. Unfortunately I can't think right now, so the song would be restricted to different variations of the first sentence. Hee hee. I recommend hot apple cider.

I've been thinking recently about people. I may have already told you how God loves people. God loves you, and me. I should love you like God loves you. But I'm loving something that you might not consider you. Define person. That's what matters. Person. People. Not the corpses we walk in now. I'm not adequately expressing what I want to. Think about it for a while, and you will probably know what I'm trying to say.

I went to a drama thing this morning. It wasn't really educational, but they are starting up a youth group. They are getting a name. Relatively new youth pastor. Just like my youth group. A little. The youth group is brand new. They've had the kids, just not the group. The youth pastor is brand new. Hot off the press, figuring it all out. Eventually. Forgive me for viewing it a bit like a game. It almost is. I think I got rid of a girlfriend by seeing life as a game, and letting her in on my perspective. Haha. Oops.

Worship is another thought. I like the worship that happens at youth groups. It's intense, and fun. But worship doesn't work the same alone. You can't worship God the same way. Everything we do is supposed to be worship. I don't understand that yet. I might not for a long time. That's okay. I'll stay here, and stay open, and one day, in good time, I won't understand it still. But I won't need too. That's just how it'll work. That might be a little too optimistic.

You can't be with friends all the time. You physically can't, and they probably wouldn't want to be near you for that long. And you can't be alone with God all the time. So what if you put the two together to build your entire life? That doesn't work. There is something missing. Sometimes I wish I had a passion, like music or sports or something like that. Then I would...I don't know. It probably wouldn't make me any better at talking. That's okay. I'll find something. I can wait.

This is a Terrible post.

I think I need some new thoughts. No, that's not what I need. I need to get rid of old thoughts. Then the new ones will work better. Thoughts are what cause actions. Most times. So how you think directly impacts how you live. I've received and have been receiving potentially life changing thoughts for a while. I guess every thought is potentially life changing. But these new thoughts fade into to back. They aren't worse than the prominent thoughts that help me now, in fact, they are probably better. But they aren't used to living, and I'm not used to using them. It's a rut really. This is working alright, why change it? It might not work anymore if I do.

Computers make things happen. Events wouldn't take place as frequently. Always connected. Always with the ability to see who wants to do what where and when. This is the plus. The minus is that so much time is wasted by us ho sit here and ... Nothing. We take lots of things for granted. I think we would appreciate community so much more if we weren't always connected to one. I think it is almost time for another compy break. Full out. Nothing. No exceptions. That would be sweet, eh? That mean I'll be out of the loop, and unable to speak with some pretty groovy people. The loop runs in circles anyways, and it would be way sweeter to chill with my for off friends in person. Problems solved. Cool.


I found my Favourite place in the world. It is on Sidney Spit. I don't want to tell you where, because I want you to find it and make up your own mind on it without knowing that it is my favourite. What kind of complications could arise from this? You might think everywhere is my place, tainting everywhere you go. Okay. So you should go to Sidney Spit and search the island and remember the cool places. Then tell me what you thought of them, and I'll tell you where mine was, okay? Okay. I'll tell you something more in a couple months. If you have something important to tell me, you should phone me.

Cool

Camp was super. Mostly because of Marcel. He's my hero. Let me tell you why. Sometimes, you're going through life, and you realize you aren't doing what you really want to be doing. Well, if what you want to be doing is to be living your life for God, you complain that it is hard because there is no example. He is an example. The coach of the Redskins is a bit of a jerk, but we love him. He plays excessively rough in sports. We played hockey against Marcel's team, and our coach was on my hero. Coach kept hitting hero, and hero just kind of danced away smiling. He was just as into it, but he didn't get angry at all.

You listen more to a speaker when you know that they follow what they are telling you. So, if you want a quick overview, Marcel preached...more like spoke with us, in P's. Precious, Prayer, Partnership, Poison, Pain, Paradise, Personal Contentment, and Potential. Each is a services worth, and when put together, you almost half a blueprint for a life you aren't living, but want to. At camp, I really wanted it to happen. Instant change. Knowing it wouldn't though, not there and even less likely here at home, I decided to cling to some small things. God loves you. Yeah, everyone has heard that. Well, not everyone, or we wouldn't be here. But do you know what that really means? I don't think you do. I don't think I do.

I read Matthew while I was up there. It was probably the most intense reading of Matthew I have ever had. Jesus is amazingly harsh. This is the line, and if you aren't over it, you die. Yeah, of course. We know that. If you said that in this age, people would ignore you. Or be offended, and you'd be in jail. But he has this line he tells his disciples about, and then sees the people and his heart breaks. God loves people. All miracles done in the Bible are done out of love.

Then people are the most important thing on the face of the Earth.
If anything you have is more important than the people around you, like your friends, or that stranger, or that homeless guy down the street, give it away. Let it go.

Live to give. Buy friends. The thought of heaven compels you. Love people.

But I don't have anything to give. I don't have a job. To be honest, I haven't done anything important in the last two days, or anything at all. On this day, day 3 of the nothing, I was doing nothing when I had a thought. I need to do some God stuff. There is world stuff. I do that sometimes. But I'm not doing anything right now. I'd rather do some God stuff. What is that? I don't know.

I want to live to give. I want to love people. I don't know how. Marcel does, but I really don't know him. I should move in with him. Eventually. But how do I move towards God now?

The Price of Convenience

As summer progresses, so does summer fun. It is easy to become wrapped up in it. Fun with your friends everyday. Yes. What could possibly be better? It is good, no doubt. Something is left behind. I'm having fun, fully knowing God is missing out, because I'm not bringing him. He is the uninvited guest. I'm thinking I might actually be the one missing out. He has so much for us, just waiting. Waiting for us to say you can give me everything you have for me. I love you, finally, like I should, and the world doesn't matter. Well, I don't know how to love Him like that, but the thought counts. If you are trying, he sees that. I tried to play the of hackysack for years. Or at least a long time. I'm still not good at it, but since I have kept trying, I have gotten slightly better. If I didn't try, I would suck even more at it than I do now.

I'm not trying to love God crazily though. I'm content in the worst way. I like it here, and my conservation of energy likes to put forth the least effort possible to makes things better if they are already good. A long time ago, a saying came forth, and was somewhat forgotten. It was If problems are happening, you are doing something right. I am playing soccer. I want the ball. I will do whatever I can to stop the other team from getting the ball. From scoring. If they aren't doing anything, why attack them? I would attack the ones who are trying to score. Who are doing what they are supposed to. So then, If I were furthering God's kingdom, and acting as a child of God should, I would be the one big baddie #1 would try to take out. Distract. Lead astray. That would be better, because if I were doing what I was supposed to, that would help other people. They would follow. If I started falling, they might follow me there too.

What would Jesus do seems like a ridiculous saying. I was walking home, thinking about how to come back to where I should be. Well, maybe I could just apply this saying in all situations. But Jesus did some things that would be looked badly on if I followed that. Turning water into wine. He is at a big wedding. They ran out of wine. He made more. And he didn't drink any? That is silly. He hung out with prostitutes. He hung out with the 'bad crowd'. Sure, I guess we are called to do what Jesus did. However, I don't think the what matters as much as the why. Why would Jesus do it? Because the people who should have been weren't. So, who won't the church reach out to? That question might require digging. We've become a tolerant society. Tolerant of everything. I disagree with that idea, or at least the running definition of tolerant. The church won't necessarily spill all their secrets out whenever someone asks. What kind of secrets would those be? It seems like it was more doable back then. There was a plan. Retrospect is 20/20. There is a plan?

Censorship is a funny thing too. Jesus did some shady stuff, if you didn't know his motives. But, you can't go telling kids that Jesus did all that stuff, can you? Should He be painted all soft and sanitized? Maybe we teach kids incorrectly. But, they shouldn't be exposed to everything while young. They are just kids. They are just citizens. They wouldn't understand the problems that come up. Why this needs to happen. Why it had to be the way it did. Some things are better left untouched. But why? What if we tried to run something with no censorship? And then, what is the difference between that and privacy?

I'm thinking I'm probably not a very good leader right now. I shouldn't be leading a spy cell. You are supposed to lead them to God, and you can't lead them somewhere that you aren't going. I want to, but . I haven't been able to lead worship for a while. It is probably just circumstantial, however, I might attribute that to my current state. Recently, the youth group went to the Mustard Seed to help them out. They are a group that helps the homeless in Victoria. A verse was read. 'For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you? The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' Well, I sort of ignored them in general. I ignored the least of them, so then I am ignoring God? Is that how it works?

What are leaders though? I guess they are supposed to be perfect role models, ideally. But I'm not. Maybe I don't need to be though. Maybe I can just let them walk with me. Accountability. Change starts with individuals. We can walk together, loving God more and more.

We can try again. Start clean and refreshed. It doesn't have to be the same. We've been washed, right? Good old Christianese. But we are new. Different.

Functional

Getting thoughts out of your head helps you put things together. Set things straight. Writing them down especially. Figure out if anything is wrong. I think something is wrong. Not obviously. More like the milk has gone rotten. Cannot tell until you open it up.

Life is good. It's summer. I'm done school. I'm working on getting a job. I go to Nanoose in a couple weeks. My nerd games are jacked up and good to go. Everything is good. Quiet. Like toddlers in the other room. When they are quiet, something is wrong. I don't know. I almost want something to be wrong. Quiet gets boring really fast. I lost focus again. When that happens, I empty. Well, yeah. I don't really have many real goals. Goals are essential to productivity. Goal: stay tight with God. Goal: Get a job. Goal: figure out what is next. I think those are most of my goals for now. The last one isn't coming. Not for a while. The second one might be complete soon. I can then check it off and feel grand. But the first one. I've been ignoring the first one. I've been having fun, doing stuff. But sometimes fun isn't so fun.

My little sister would go over to friends places, and went she came back, we would ask her if she had fun, and she would say no. I thought it was silly. Of course you were having fun. While you were there, would you say you weren't having fun? While it is happening, you think you are having fun. Why does your opinion change after?

I was cleaning up my computer a few days ago, and I found what I ended up calling a preblog. They were dated entries into a notepad. Back when I was in grade ten. It reminded me of my brother, because it read like he writes. I don't like how he writes. I try to separate myself from my siblings. You might say that is silly and I clearly don't know how family works. You would probably be right. My mom says they look up to me though. I don't know why really. I'm not someone you would want to emulate. That is what you want to happen when you look up to someone right? Right now I'm empty and lost and not entirely sure of how to fix it.

I don't really like it when people complain about things being hard when it only takes a little planning. Something small. I can't complain then. Throw a bit of time management in there, and it will run a little smoother. It's summer time. Time to switch it up.

The delicious foam on top of a disgusting glass of brown liquid

I've thought colour quite a bit, as perhaps is evident. Probably not. But I starting wondering, is it just a human thing? Dogs are colour blind. Snakes have heat sensory. Bats and other various animals have ultrasound. I think bulls are colour blind too. The movement of the cape if what makes them charge. Bugs...I don't even know. I think they function largely by touch. How many animals really need to see colour? Do we need to? Maybe I'm all wrong. Maybe animals see as much as we do. But, if they didn't, doesn't that make you feel amazing? You were given the gift of colour. Don't feel amazing yet though. It might all be bunk.

I was at spy cell, because it is Wednesday. It won't be called a 'spy' cell for much longer. Youth is being revamped. Moving downstairs, with new floor, new name, new people. But this was seen coming, back when we were getting a new youth pastor. I wonder how many things you can predict will happen, just by knowing how things work. That's why old people seem so smart. And stubborn. Jerks. Anyway, we were praying at the end, and it was great. I like praying. You might not be able to tell by looking at my life. Like how I like food, and know I need it, but I just don't really get around to eating it. If I don't fix that one soon, I might die.

At this spy cell, I did little to lead it. I really should do more. A long time ago, a cool guy named Rob told me that he managed to label what kind of leader I am. I know labels are 'bad' but I like them. It's like a personality test. It says a little about who you are. He said I was more an influential leader. It might be true. I don't think I'd follow me though. I don't think I know where I'm going. I'm terrible with decisions. Now that my life is off the railroad tracks that had been set in place from birth till now, I don't know what's next. I guess I never did, and was okay with that. That next is very quickly approaching the now, and I'd rather know what I'm doing.

I was praying. I was praying for a girl who was having trouble at home. Is having trouble at home. I wanted it to be better. I want to be the person who can help when people come forward with crap in their life. Railroad track. Anything off the track, I'm useless. Maybe a good distraction. A bandaid. Nothing truly useful. As I was praying, I thought wouldn't it be amazing if you lived like this? Right now, I want God to be all he can. I want his way to happen. To be. Why can't I always live like this? Right now, God is the most important. People have told me thats a goal, because if God is first, you are his, and pretty much able to do impossible things. Like find needles in haystacks. So, if I pray all the time...

If matched with a previous parallel, the conclusion would result in my obesity. Ha ha. I'm so funny. I don't like where I'm going right now. I'm not going anywhere. I will get on that. I've said that too much, recently.

Friends

I was watching a movie some months ago. It was black and white. Kind of slow too, but I like black and white movies. That's what we started with, and I see those old movies as the foundation for what we have now. We had a good foundation. Better than now, even. This movie was about a family, the daughter especially. The family was kind of poor, but the girl was becoming close with a pretty wealthy guy. Sappy love movies. But it was in black and white, so I didn't really care. The rich guy was coming over for dinner. The family wanted everything to be perfect. And they tried, but they failed too. It's so embarrassing. I stopped watching.

In Japanese, on the last day, we watched some of a movie called Totoro. Totoro is this giant rabbit bird type thing. It's a spirit or something. Once again, the stars are a family, two daughters and a dad. Mother is in the hospital. They just moved to a new house. The movie is ridiculously happy. The younger daughter finds a giant totoro and falls asleep on him. When she wakes up, he is gone. She tries to prove it with all the determination that a child can muster. She searches everywhere, but he's gone. She can't show him to dad and sister. I also found this quite sad. Inadequate.

What is a friend? A friend is...this is almost like some lame essay they would make you write in grade four. Well, one more can't hurt, right? A friend is loyal. A friend is nice. A friend makes you laugh. And friend helps you when you need it. You can trust your friends with anything. You don't have to be scared when your friends are around. Maybe a grade two essay. I might pass grade two. Friends were this, or should have been, way back then. What are they now? Is it different? More? I don't really know.

I met my best friend when I was five. Peace Lutheran Church was holding a vacation bible school. He was there. He spoke of some cool games he had, so I went to his place, and we played nerd games. We were five. And we were friends. Over video games. How silly. Our moms became friends. We kept hanging out. Heroes of Might & Magic. ABBA. Grade four, he was dubbed pickle boy, because he said 'pickle' a lot. An, you know how in elementary school, some friends are pretty much always together? Him and I. Hero and sidekick. I was the sidekick. That was okay. Because he was dubbed pickle boy, I was pickle woman for being the sidekick. That's probably the most bullying like thing that happened to me in elementary school. It was okay. It didn't really matter. Middle school. Stuff changed over these three years. He messed his back up. He stayed at home a lot more. I would still go over lots though. We just weren't as tight. Other kids were his friends too, so they would go there lots. That was okay. He became antisocial to some degree. Anxiety disorder and such. Panic attacks. I didn't understand. I couldn't help. He wanted to be alone, so I left him alone.

But it started over video games anyway. Maybe it wasn't important. He is really cool. Pretty much the coolest guy I know. But he doesn't like crowds. And is busy. It's hard to stay connected. He got through the worst part. He is one of the only people I can remember the first time I met him. How we became friends. Most of the others just faded in. Most of the friends I have currently, I can tell stories, but I don't know where it started.

The point of that history was to help figure out what a friend is. I don't think I'm a good friend. I'm a jerk. A friend should be someone people can come to with their crap, and be helped through. I don't have people doing that, and if they did, I wouldn't know what to do. I haven't been most of the places they would tell me about. Maybe that's what a mentor is for. A solution generator. Except, more than that.

A friend should be someone who you would be willing to go anywhere with, talk to about anything, and go through anything with. Someone who is with you.

Uh oh. If that's the definition of a friend, I don't have any right now. Oh dear. A friend is then, someone who has been with you? Not all people you are with are friends. Not really. What is the difference between acquaintances and friends?

I like my friends. I think I'm lucky to have them. I've thought that there was more somewhere though. A friend who would know you thoroughly, through and through, maybe even better than you know yourself. Maybe that is something above the category of 'friend'. I don't know. I like what I have. Hopefully it will become less and less superficial over time. I don't think it is very much like that now. But maybe it could be less? I don't think I'm making sense anymore.

It's summertime though, so we can try talking about this on some sunny day in Sidney. Grab some ice cream. I love the summertime.

Spelling Errors for Everyone.

Let.

In tennis or badminton, a let is when the ball or birdie hits the nets or something, and then lands in the proper place in the opponents court. It's pretty much a redo.

Let.

To allow. To admit into. It's almost like a passive action. Letting something happen doesn't involve you not doing anything, but it isn't active. It is stepping back. Duh. What is this guy talking about? I'm not going to tell you. When you read literature, you think 'why didn't they just say what they meant?' Well, if they did, how long would you pay attention? If it is easy to grasp, you skim it over. Everybody wants attention. If they said everything like everyone else, nobody would know them, because they would just blend into everybody by being like them. Nothing stands out.

Some people are scared of standing out. That's okay. People are different. Most of them don't make sense. So, why not confuse them? Haha. To be honest, those scared to stand out would probably be the most amazing if they did. I know some amazing people, but they don't know they are amazing. I could tell them, but my words have lost their impact. So many of them fly out, with so little impact, people stop listening. I tell them to. And then I'm sad when they don't hear me. I'm one of those people who really don't make sense.

I'm on a journey. I don't know where I'll end up. Right now I'm here. Where is here? Well, I'm glad you asked. Here is where you learn to be passively active. You step back without tuning it out.

Some friends of mine have a saying. Let life happen. They made it a group on facebook. Stupid facebook. It's pretty much their party group. Their parties are nothing like mine. They have what a bunch of people this age get into. They got drugs and crap. They let life happen. They have fun.

I read an artical yesterday about the XXXchurch. It's an organization that reaches out to people through porn. Sort of. They aren't concerned with crashing the expanding industry, but reaching the people. I thought that was cool. I never got into that stuff. I looked into it once, but I went to the wrong places, or right places, depends how you look at it. It was pretty gross. So I never went into that crap again. And that was that.

Let life happen. Let life happen. Let life happen. That's easy. What do you have to do to let life happen? Just sit back and enjoy it. It is natural. The wisdom of the world is foolishness. Do the unnatural? How do you let God happen? That's where here is. God is here beside me for this wall. This wall that I'm holding up. 'Don't hold me up now'. How do you let go? I can't right now. This next week everything happens. Essay, mocks, presentation, graduation, competition. There is some much. Let go? Can I? There was a guy once, who is dead now, but he prayed every morning for four hours or something. And he said that on busy days, he prayed for five hours, because he would need God to be there even more.

Even God's foolishness is wiser than man's greatest wisdom.

That's scary. It is running without looking where you are going. Or even knowing.

What's the worst that could happen?

Let go.

Colour

I don't like raw apples a lot. They make you hungry. Especially when you were already hungry to begin with. Hosed. Gum too. I'll chew it if someone gives it to me, but more often just because I forgot that it makes you hungry. Food is ill distributed. We should do something about that. Okay? Okay.

Literature is a minefield of death. The last stressful part of school. And only because I'm lazy. Stupid. I should be making it work right now. I shouldn't sleep tonight. I will. But in all reality, I have much to do. I won't. Byron had a pretty intense line...

'They vow to amend their lives, and yet they don't;
Because if drown'd, they can't -- if spared, they won't.'
-Lord Byron, Don Juan.

Do you feel cultured? I like him and what he writes. I really do. Now, write a million page essay on it and present it to a class. Do you still like it? Nope. I don't want to not like it. It's unfortunate, because the price for keeping my like of him requires a 10% sacrifice. Not that I could get that if I tried. I don't know if I can try anymore. I write essays I like, but they come back and were reviewed terribly. But we mustn't base our success on the opinions of a few critic judges. And I began thinking I could write a book. Ha.

What am I doing? Oh dear. Maybe I'm overloading and I don't know it. Shut down sequence initiated. It's not shutting down. Maybe if it were. Maybe. Would it help? Reboot.

The University of Colour. At this place of higher education, you will be enlightened on every colour. They have classes dedicated to them. The orange course. The green course. The blue course. You will learn the history, what it is, where it is used and why, what effect it produces on people when they see it as well as when they wear it.What connotations are attached to the colours. Symbols they might represent. Literary effect. Artistic effect. We would show you how to make people feel happy or sad or excited when they saw your art. We will teach you how the world works through colour. Do you know how many animals are colour blind? Don't you think there might be a reason for that? Colour is mostly ours, and thus we should know the effects it has on us. People who have never seen colours before. Does what colour they wear matter? If we told them what colour it was, would it change anything?

Music. It is said that the kind of music played can help or mess with how a plant grows. Plants don't know words. Can they? They can detect vibrations. Otherwise, how could music have any effect on them? Do the words matter in the music we listen to? I've heard they do. What if you listened to some crazy foreign music? You don't know what it's saying. The type of music would still affect us. It affects plants, right? Sex, drugs and rock and roll. Those are the bad things right? Maybe? What's wrong? Excess is bad. Right? We have an excess of food. They should stop swearing.

Thinking and doing aren't very far apart. Of course, if it is something good and wholesome, it's a many day journey from the thought to the action. If it isn't though. Bam. You obsess over it, to the point of consuming your thoughts. That's why every thought is supposed to be captive to God. Better to be a Hollow Man than an evil man. Or is it? T. S. Eliot wrote the poem called Hollow men. They were men who couldn't act. Something got lost. They were hollow inside. They were filled with straw. They are terrible things masquerading as men. Sitting on the fence is worse than picking the wrong side, right? Right?

Intentions are thoughts. I've had many intentions. Where are they now? I think I surrendered to the wrong thing. We should start over again. That would be cool. No preset ruts. Nothing in the way. I'll go with you, knowing nothing else, and everything will be alright. Better than knowing you are there, and that I should be, and that I'm not and won't be for a while. You said we can start over with you, but it is hardly a new start if it's in the same life. It retreats to what it used to be. It squirms like a slug on salt. The slug dies. So do we. The slug crawls out of it's skin to escape. It hurts. Disaster would be the salt I suppose. It has to hurt pretty bad to kill yourself to get away. This is what you have. This leads to burning. I have another way, but you have to die to what will burn. I don't understand. I can't die while I continue to live. What do I do?

What would Jesus do? Oh yeah. Thanks. That's helpful. Jesus let himself die.

Is that it? I have some friends who have a saying 'Let life happen'. They like to party. They like to let life happen. Maybe the key is just to let go and let yourself die? You can't allow yourself to die. It isn't natural. What we live now isn't natural.

Okay, but last time I came to the conclusion that it wasn't my job, I stopped thinking about it all completely. It isn't my job, right? I can wait over here like over there. What's the difference?

Step back and see the big picture. See the colours. We can help you see what it means. Perspective, my friend. The way out of the maze isn't the most visible from inside the maze.

Fast Forward

Hmm...What if you were so unlikeable that only your close friends were your friends. That would be intense. You wouldn't have any of those flaky friends. But, it's who you know, not what you know. You're hosed in that aspect of the world.

Friend circles are weird. You know that they are. But you can't just jump in. It would be like diving into a crowd, and they don't catch you. Awkward and stupid. You could try to work your way in I guess. That would take a long time. I might not have that long. Maybe I should just forget it. I should.

Living in fast forward. Zip zoom. No time for thoughts. Go go go. So much energy. Wee. I don't think I want to live in fast forward. I don't have real hobbies I guess. What do I do when I'm alone? Try to connect with other people through something. My attempts are futile though. In the time it's take to write this, two people came asking for my siblings. I might always have to be the one who makes stuff happen. Well, why don't you just not make stuff happen? They will miss you eventually. Nope. I tried. I end up staying at home. For a long time. How sad.

This is an emergency. There are tears from the saints for the lost and unsaved. We are crying for them come back home. All of your children will stretch out their hands and pick up the crippled man. Father we will lead them home.

Perspective is so amazing. Ours is messed up. We see what they want us to see, and do what they want us to do. It's worth it to get away. I'm just another pawn adding to the destruction. Reprioritize. Pawn forward.

Checkmate.

We need something new and different, where we can all start at the same level. All start fair. I didn't like the fair. It was sunny and crowded. And always with the family. Family outings don't jive well with me. They generally don't go well. I'd rather avoid them.

Go betweens. It isn't fun to be one. But it gives you something to do, I else. So much wasted time....

If you think about what could happen but probably won't, does that make you a visionary?

Hey, you're the one that I've been looking for, and I found you here

That's better.

Yesterday was a state of rebellion. I didn't want anyone. I cranked the music so I could hear nothing else. I was to myself. Alone, while surrounded. Like oil and water. Maybe that's why my friends are forced at least an arm length away. Honestly, I don't know how I have friends sometimes. I would think that they have no real reason not to hate me. Back to yesterday.

I got home and entered my bubble. My spoiled sister was screaming. My dad was complaining how I never do anything. My Dad is amazing, by the way. Anyway, home wasn't where I wanted to be. Clearly. I had bubbled myself away from it. So, I went for a walk. I sat on the beach. In the sand. Kids walked by with their parents. Old couples on strolls. People were talking and laughing on their boats. The birds sang. The air smelt like salty water, like only a beach can smell. I love the beach. Beaches are good places. There is connection there. Between land and air and sea. Between people. Even the animals are more connected.

I went and sat there for an hour. An hour and a half. I connected with myself. I saw I didn't want to connect to anything else. To anyone.I knew that wouldn't do. Couldn't do. I thought something might come from it. I thought I wanted that. Nope. it was a bad idea. So I stopped it. Moving through the actions, hoping that you will mean it by the time you stop moving. God, send your Holy Spirit. I don't want that. Send it God. I can wait. I will anticipate it. That says you have to want it you. Stop trying to be a rebel. It won't work.

If there is one thing I can do, I can wait. I'm hoping I can anticipate. I'm hoping that it isn't all for nothing. Ask and you will receive, right? What if you don't mean it? What would I have to do to mean it? Faith is a weird thing.

I went shopping today. I got a cd, so I could stop listening to the endlessly repeated tracks on myspace. Leeland, sing me to sleep. At historymaker, on the first night, Leeland was putting on his concert. He was spilling his heart. I was in the crowd, but purposefully away from everyone I knew. Isolated again. And he was saying how God showed him a vision, and said,why aren't they running to me? And he was nearly crying, I guess, but I was watching his face. It was like he was yelling at us. Like he was mad. I was misreading his emotions. But that didn't matter. I thought go cry about it, and then common sense said he is. But that didn't matter. I didn't want to listen to him. He can't reach me in my walls, God or not. That was before I realized those walls weren't between God and me.

Things are Going better today. I can wait. I will anticipate.