It's been a while. But that's okay.
I used to blog a ton when I was younger. Almost everyday, I think. It got to the point that it wasn't for me, but for comments. I like comments. I had begun liking them too much though, so I stopped. I can't remember if I actually took a break or just started this one. Either way, this one got started, with the specific point of not writing for comments. Just for me. Foolishly writing an internet journal. Oh well. So, if I hadn't at some point before, I explained the title.
I'm no longer homeless, and no longer jobless. In fact, I might even be working too much. Which is okay too. A lot of moving here was to make money and pretend we were getting ahead. My current job puts me in a funny situation. I think it is funny anyway. I work some day shifts, then get some days off, and then get some night shifts. Not uncommon, I guess. The funny part is that, to prepare for working all night, I am staying up all night the night before. In other circumstances, totally irresponsible. However, I am doing this to BE responsible. I think that is kind of funny. I'm not used to this yet.
I watched 'The Avengers' yesterday. I really like that movie. It came together quite nicely. This morning I watched Joss Whedon's commentary on it. I've waited about a year to watch that. I think I'm a fan boy. When I watch the 'behind the scenes' and commentary things, it makes me want to be an actor. Part of it anyway. I know it isn't all fun, or even very much fun at all, but when they show that footage, it captures a part of the bond that has grown from them creating something together. I have the slightest knowledge of what that is like. I did musical theater is high school all four years I was there. I loved it, everybody had their part, and it all came together to make something. And then everyone trickles away to whatever else they have. After I graduated, I went back to see one of the productions. I still knew a few people there. High school musicals are terrible to watch. I didn't know that until after.
I am a pretty quiet guy, most must think. I have an irrational fear of strangers. Fear is too strong a word. Reluctance to engage. I blame that whole 'strangers are bad' thing that was around when I was growing up. Stranger danger. I know why it was there, and maybe it is necessary, I just don't like the lessons learned. I worry that being closed of prevents me from making friends and maintaining good relationships. I also fear that I don't talk about important things. As kids we talk about games and... well, as boys that's most of it. I think that sticks for life actually. More things just get added on. Work, bills, money, politics, even weather. Maybe those are important. Maybe those are the gateway conversations to... whatever is important.
What I really wish though was that I knew how to engage people in conversation. I mean more than that, but my words are weak right now. I know that talking about yourself all the time isn't the way to go. I'm not nearly half as interesting to anyone else as I am to me. When you can talk to someone, and throughout the conversation they feel like you do find them interesting, maybe even more interesting than they do, then a wonderful conversation happens. I figure, the best way to do that, to make others feel like you think they are interesting, is to actually, genuinely be interested.
Sometimes, a lot of times, I can't climb out of my own head.
