I can't wait to be an old man. One of the friendly ones. The cute old guy with his cute old wife and everybody loves them. They tell great stories, and they think their jokes are funny, and that's funny enough. And they can say what they think, for better or worse, without really worrying about how other people will see them. Being old gives them some leeway. The potential of being seen as wise and/or knowledgeable has some allure as well.
A friend of mine always jokes with me about us being old rednecks sitting in old rocking chairs out front of our house, enjoying the company. Another friend thinks by the time our generation is old, the senior centers will be filled with LAN parties. It's weird to think about.
I realized today that I haven't been applying my philosophies evenly. Purposefully? I think that what I'm doing now is what I'll be doing then, for the most part. Waiting for something to happen won't suddenly have me handling money better, or managing my time properly, or being more likable in the aftermath. Procrastination doesn't solve problems.
If I want to be cute and friendly and funny and all that stuff when I'm old, I should be aiming for that now. I've let useless things get in the way. Sure, I might have a while to get there. The sooner the better. As they say, time flies.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Long day's night
It's been a while. But that's okay.
I used to blog a ton when I was younger. Almost everyday, I think. It got to the point that it wasn't for me, but for comments. I like comments. I had begun liking them too much though, so I stopped. I can't remember if I actually took a break or just started this one. Either way, this one got started, with the specific point of not writing for comments. Just for me. Foolishly writing an internet journal. Oh well. So, if I hadn't at some point before, I explained the title.
I'm no longer homeless, and no longer jobless. In fact, I might even be working too much. Which is okay too. A lot of moving here was to make money and pretend we were getting ahead. My current job puts me in a funny situation. I think it is funny anyway. I work some day shifts, then get some days off, and then get some night shifts. Not uncommon, I guess. The funny part is that, to prepare for working all night, I am staying up all night the night before. In other circumstances, totally irresponsible. However, I am doing this to BE responsible. I think that is kind of funny. I'm not used to this yet.
I watched 'The Avengers' yesterday. I really like that movie. It came together quite nicely. This morning I watched Joss Whedon's commentary on it. I've waited about a year to watch that. I think I'm a fan boy. When I watch the 'behind the scenes' and commentary things, it makes me want to be an actor. Part of it anyway. I know it isn't all fun, or even very much fun at all, but when they show that footage, it captures a part of the bond that has grown from them creating something together. I have the slightest knowledge of what that is like. I did musical theater is high school all four years I was there. I loved it, everybody had their part, and it all came together to make something. And then everyone trickles away to whatever else they have. After I graduated, I went back to see one of the productions. I still knew a few people there. High school musicals are terrible to watch. I didn't know that until after.
I am a pretty quiet guy, most must think. I have an irrational fear of strangers. Fear is too strong a word. Reluctance to engage. I blame that whole 'strangers are bad' thing that was around when I was growing up. Stranger danger. I know why it was there, and maybe it is necessary, I just don't like the lessons learned. I worry that being closed of prevents me from making friends and maintaining good relationships. I also fear that I don't talk about important things. As kids we talk about games and... well, as boys that's most of it. I think that sticks for life actually. More things just get added on. Work, bills, money, politics, even weather. Maybe those are important. Maybe those are the gateway conversations to... whatever is important.
What I really wish though was that I knew how to engage people in conversation. I mean more than that, but my words are weak right now. I know that talking about yourself all the time isn't the way to go. I'm not nearly half as interesting to anyone else as I am to me. When you can talk to someone, and throughout the conversation they feel like you do find them interesting, maybe even more interesting than they do, then a wonderful conversation happens. I figure, the best way to do that, to make others feel like you think they are interesting, is to actually, genuinely be interested.
Sometimes, a lot of times, I can't climb out of my own head.
I used to blog a ton when I was younger. Almost everyday, I think. It got to the point that it wasn't for me, but for comments. I like comments. I had begun liking them too much though, so I stopped. I can't remember if I actually took a break or just started this one. Either way, this one got started, with the specific point of not writing for comments. Just for me. Foolishly writing an internet journal. Oh well. So, if I hadn't at some point before, I explained the title.
I'm no longer homeless, and no longer jobless. In fact, I might even be working too much. Which is okay too. A lot of moving here was to make money and pretend we were getting ahead. My current job puts me in a funny situation. I think it is funny anyway. I work some day shifts, then get some days off, and then get some night shifts. Not uncommon, I guess. The funny part is that, to prepare for working all night, I am staying up all night the night before. In other circumstances, totally irresponsible. However, I am doing this to BE responsible. I think that is kind of funny. I'm not used to this yet.
I watched 'The Avengers' yesterday. I really like that movie. It came together quite nicely. This morning I watched Joss Whedon's commentary on it. I've waited about a year to watch that. I think I'm a fan boy. When I watch the 'behind the scenes' and commentary things, it makes me want to be an actor. Part of it anyway. I know it isn't all fun, or even very much fun at all, but when they show that footage, it captures a part of the bond that has grown from them creating something together. I have the slightest knowledge of what that is like. I did musical theater is high school all four years I was there. I loved it, everybody had their part, and it all came together to make something. And then everyone trickles away to whatever else they have. After I graduated, I went back to see one of the productions. I still knew a few people there. High school musicals are terrible to watch. I didn't know that until after.
I am a pretty quiet guy, most must think. I have an irrational fear of strangers. Fear is too strong a word. Reluctance to engage. I blame that whole 'strangers are bad' thing that was around when I was growing up. Stranger danger. I know why it was there, and maybe it is necessary, I just don't like the lessons learned. I worry that being closed of prevents me from making friends and maintaining good relationships. I also fear that I don't talk about important things. As kids we talk about games and... well, as boys that's most of it. I think that sticks for life actually. More things just get added on. Work, bills, money, politics, even weather. Maybe those are important. Maybe those are the gateway conversations to... whatever is important.
What I really wish though was that I knew how to engage people in conversation. I mean more than that, but my words are weak right now. I know that talking about yourself all the time isn't the way to go. I'm not nearly half as interesting to anyone else as I am to me. When you can talk to someone, and throughout the conversation they feel like you do find them interesting, maybe even more interesting than they do, then a wonderful conversation happens. I figure, the best way to do that, to make others feel like you think they are interesting, is to actually, genuinely be interested.
Sometimes, a lot of times, I can't climb out of my own head.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
About time
I changed everything. I got married, I moved to the land of winter, I am homeless, jobless, and still don't really know what to do. Well, kind of. I want to get a home, get a job, get a direction. That last one I want most of all. That one will add more meaning to everything. I hope.
I had an interview yesterday. I was asked questions, and tried to give answers. Maybe if I pretend to interview someone for a fake job sometime, I might understand better what they are asking for, and then I can answer better accordingly. That might be cheating. After the interview, I had two hours of aptitude tests, with three other guys. They where stuff like 'how do machines work?' and 'what comes next in the pattern?' and geometry and stuff like that. One of them was fifty miscellaneous questions in twelve minutes. I think that one was the most fun. They were all timed, but that one was the most impossible. I almost did it. Sometimes I forget how much I enjoy that stuff. I hadn't had to do problems like that since high school. It's been a while.
Some people know what they want to do all their lives. Lucky ducks. I'm sure obstacles rise, but they rise anyway. Trial and error is my route. I guess. It is such a simple thing though. I could go do anything. I've thought that for a while, but it hasn't really been helpful. Anything is a lot of doors. Too many doors.
My dad always wanted me to get into computers. They came up out of nowhere and took off in his lifetime. And there is a lot of money in it. I don't really like computers. I like using them fine, but when they get cranky, I have no power. I could learn, but it's never been very appealing. I could, and probably will, get into some kind of trade. For a while at least. I want to know how to build things. Fix things. I want to use and strengthen my strengths. I want to be terrific at something. I don't need to be 'the guy' of everything. Just one thing is enough. I want to know what that thing is. Until then, I'll learn to build things and fix things.
I had an interview yesterday. I was asked questions, and tried to give answers. Maybe if I pretend to interview someone for a fake job sometime, I might understand better what they are asking for, and then I can answer better accordingly. That might be cheating. After the interview, I had two hours of aptitude tests, with three other guys. They where stuff like 'how do machines work?' and 'what comes next in the pattern?' and geometry and stuff like that. One of them was fifty miscellaneous questions in twelve minutes. I think that one was the most fun. They were all timed, but that one was the most impossible. I almost did it. Sometimes I forget how much I enjoy that stuff. I hadn't had to do problems like that since high school. It's been a while.
Some people know what they want to do all their lives. Lucky ducks. I'm sure obstacles rise, but they rise anyway. Trial and error is my route. I guess. It is such a simple thing though. I could go do anything. I've thought that for a while, but it hasn't really been helpful. Anything is a lot of doors. Too many doors.
My dad always wanted me to get into computers. They came up out of nowhere and took off in his lifetime. And there is a lot of money in it. I don't really like computers. I like using them fine, but when they get cranky, I have no power. I could learn, but it's never been very appealing. I could, and probably will, get into some kind of trade. For a while at least. I want to know how to build things. Fix things. I want to use and strengthen my strengths. I want to be terrific at something. I don't need to be 'the guy' of everything. Just one thing is enough. I want to know what that thing is. Until then, I'll learn to build things and fix things.
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