Milk

Welcome to the nightmare you wished for. Not really, but everyone else said you should want this. And it made sense. You should want this. There isn't really any other way. Well, not that we know of. Not that you know of. You had to. You got mad at those who didn't give it to you. Others felt sorry that you didn't have it. And now you do. Lucky you.

Everyone asks if you like it. They congratulate you. You hate it. You want out. It traps you. You tell yourself that this is a good thing. You are responsible. You are a good citizen. You are doing something with your life. Look at all those good things.

You are dieing. Disconnected. Wasted. You think that maybe if someone else had given this to you, it might have been different. You might have been able to endure. But when you sit and think about it, you know it would have been the same. This is a cage you were tricked into entering. You have chained yourself to it, and trapped inside, there is no escape. This is why they want you to get an education, and go to school, and do something real with your life instead of sitting around and working for a year. In hell.

My name is Werner Schmidt and I am a sandwich artist. I die so you can eat a sandwich. As you might have been able to tell, I am happily employed. This may have been influenced from reading something someone wrote about aging recently. I think I share his sentiments.

I got a song stuck in my head.

Sunny days keepin' the clouds away
I think we're coming to a clearing and a brighter day

So far away. Still I think they say
The wait will make the heart grow stronger or fonder
I can't quite remember anyway

So if you're waitin' for love
Well it's a promise I'll keep
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter

Winter, Spring... is what love can truly bring
Ice turns to water, water flows to everything
You can lose your mind, maybe then your heart you'll find
I hope you won't give up what's moving you inside

If the car won't start, when you turn the key
When the music comes on, all your cold, cold heart can do is skip a beat

It's a promise I'll keep
When you're waitin' for love
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter

Just the chorus though. I enjoy the chorus. Much better than that radio station that tries to be cool and hip and punk and are really annoying. I'm sorry. I'm really not together right now.

I'm being separated from my obsession. My mind is distraught. It feels like I am being unplugged. From my friends. From my obsession. From God. It's unfortunate he isn't my obsession. I blame work. Before I felt close to something. Like I was where I should have been. I was an appliance, with my plug close enough to the outlet the sparks were flying across between us. But then I was taken away. You could make a decent analogy from that.

I am obsessed with Heroes. If it were as easy to be obsessed with God as it is to watch tv...oh man. I can't stop talking about it. I think about it at least once a day. I tell everyone to the point of being annoying, until someone says shut up, and then I feel bad, and keep almost referring to it, but I can't because they don't really wanna know. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could be crazy for Jesus like that? I watched the first season in about three days, split up. 23 episodes. 40-50 minutes each. I intend to go back and view the audio commentaries. I really can't get enough, and then realize how sad I must sound. Heroes will end one day. What will I do then?

I go to a cell group of older people now. The spy cells, even though I'm not supposed to call them that anymore, of the church. They talk about the service from Sunday. They meet every Wednesday. I started going the week after they had their potluck. They told me they didn't have food every week. I told them I knew that. They sing and pray and talk. And I zone out and dream while they talk. About nothing really. I almost enter that state between awake and sleeping. That's when your brains goes nuts and when you wake up you are so confused. None of that happened. Yeah, okay, except for that part. No, that didn't happen. Oh...well, what was it. Maybe we can go back one day. Maybe...except I can't remember.

Is that bad? Should I be trying to focus and think and contribute somehow? Sometimes, I lack opinions. Most times. If I have one, but wasn't confident enough to share it, I come home and write it here, where I can't see you laughing at me. I sound dreadfully insecure. But that's okay. I might be. I don't know.

Jesus loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong. They are weak but he is strong.
Jesus loves me, he who died. Heaven's gates to open wide. He will wash away my sin. Let this little child come in.

Christianity is supposed to be simple. I read a book that says we try to avoid saying that we understand Christianity. If we do get it, why aren't we doing it? So we make buildings and schools and seminaries and say I don't get it yet, but I'm getting closer. We complicate it as an excuse for not doing it. If it is so friggin simple, why can't I do it?

I am so annoyed.