Life is a crazy thing. I don't think I will ever really have a handle on it.
I know where I am, and I know what I am doing. I know part of where I want to go. I don't really know where I am going though. I am a cheese maker now. I make more than a hundred kilograms of cheese three to four times a week. Everyone says that what I have, jobwise, is pretty darn sweet. And it is. They are right. Being able to legitimately say '"I'm a cheese maker" is way cooler than most other jobs you could tell people you had. I'd put it in the same category that astronaut fits under. Obviously very different, but they fit together by their otherness.
As cool as being a cheese maker is, I don't think that is where I want to be, when all is said and done. Something else has to happen before the curtain falls. I'm not sure what that is yet though. I'm working, I'm paying the bills. Most of them, anyway. I'm not satisfied. And I don't know what will bring that about. If you were to ask me why I was here, I could fumble out answers that would leave you satisfied, but if you were to ask me what I was really doing here...well, I guess I could fumble answers for that too. But they would not mean anything. I can give you surface answers. Where am I going. That is the question I could not answer you. And that drives me nuts.
I read a blog post from one of the three most influential men in my life today. None of these three know that they have been named one of the three most influential men in my life, maybe because I decided that tonight. That blog post was about vision. I think that is what I want. It's hard to strive when you don't know where you are going. It's hard to push when you feel stuck, going in circles. Vision doesn't come easy. Nothing good does. I just need it to be from God. I'm not as strong as I think I am.
Over a month ago now, we were going to go on a little road trip. In my little car. It needed a little work. That work translated into a pile of money. More than I was expecting it to be, and far more than I was ready for it to be. So, we fixed it up, and I had no money. That's an easy thing to get stuck on. Especially when you feel like people are relying on you. I'm supposed to be saving and all that junk. Getting ahead. Ha. Whenever I feel like I'm starting to get ahead, it all gets smashed by things beyond my control. I felt pretty bitter. The love of my life commented on how my car drove, and my bitterness poured from my open mouth. She didn't talk to me again until we got to her house. I hadn't realized it, but this wasn't just starting then. It had been going on for a while, and she noticed, and was tired of it.
I went home. My mind was going pretty fast. It took a while to get places though. Maybe it doesn't go as fast as I think it does. I was thinking that Jesus said somewhere that it isn't what goes into a man that makes him unclean, but what comes out of him, because what comes out of him comes from the heart. Something like that. So if my words and attitude was bitter and rotten, then my heart must be bitter and rotten too. And how do you make good again what has become rotten? I don't know any way.
I asked God to give me a new heart. Begged is a better word. I don't understand God. I don't understand how he can love me, regardless of what I do or don't do. I don't understand why he takes care of me, even when...always. Regardless. Without exception. Even though I rebel, would rather do nothing, waste my life. I'm sure he gave me a new heart. Or maybe just cleaned up the one I had. I know he does those things because he loves me. Love... I know more about it now than I ever have, but still can't fathom it. It's not an emotion. Emotions come and go like the wind. Love doesn't.
I don't understand why he would give me a new heart, and then let me slowly go back to where I was before. It's only been a month. I'm not going the direction I want to go. I'm not as strong as I think I am. I need God. I know that. Sometimes it even shows up in how I do things. Sometimes.
One of my bigger fears is that I won't be good enough. And I'm not. But, I know God is.
