Hey, you're the one that I've been looking for, and I found you here

That's better.

Yesterday was a state of rebellion. I didn't want anyone. I cranked the music so I could hear nothing else. I was to myself. Alone, while surrounded. Like oil and water. Maybe that's why my friends are forced at least an arm length away. Honestly, I don't know how I have friends sometimes. I would think that they have no real reason not to hate me. Back to yesterday.

I got home and entered my bubble. My spoiled sister was screaming. My dad was complaining how I never do anything. My Dad is amazing, by the way. Anyway, home wasn't where I wanted to be. Clearly. I had bubbled myself away from it. So, I went for a walk. I sat on the beach. In the sand. Kids walked by with their parents. Old couples on strolls. People were talking and laughing on their boats. The birds sang. The air smelt like salty water, like only a beach can smell. I love the beach. Beaches are good places. There is connection there. Between land and air and sea. Between people. Even the animals are more connected.

I went and sat there for an hour. An hour and a half. I connected with myself. I saw I didn't want to connect to anything else. To anyone.I knew that wouldn't do. Couldn't do. I thought something might come from it. I thought I wanted that. Nope. it was a bad idea. So I stopped it. Moving through the actions, hoping that you will mean it by the time you stop moving. God, send your Holy Spirit. I don't want that. Send it God. I can wait. I will anticipate it. That says you have to want it you. Stop trying to be a rebel. It won't work.

If there is one thing I can do, I can wait. I'm hoping I can anticipate. I'm hoping that it isn't all for nothing. Ask and you will receive, right? What if you don't mean it? What would I have to do to mean it? Faith is a weird thing.

I went shopping today. I got a cd, so I could stop listening to the endlessly repeated tracks on myspace. Leeland, sing me to sleep. At historymaker, on the first night, Leeland was putting on his concert. He was spilling his heart. I was in the crowd, but purposefully away from everyone I knew. Isolated again. And he was saying how God showed him a vision, and said,why aren't they running to me? And he was nearly crying, I guess, but I was watching his face. It was like he was yelling at us. Like he was mad. I was misreading his emotions. But that didn't matter. I thought go cry about it, and then common sense said he is. But that didn't matter. I didn't want to listen to him. He can't reach me in my walls, God or not. That was before I realized those walls weren't between God and me.

Things are Going better today. I can wait. I will anticipate.