Splatter Pattern

I can't wait to be an old man. One of the friendly ones. The cute old guy with his cute old wife and everybody loves them. They tell great stories, and they think their jokes are funny, and that's funny enough. And they can say what they think, for better or worse, without really worrying about how other people will see them. Being old gives them some leeway. The potential of being seen as wise and/or knowledgeable has some allure as well.

A friend of mine always jokes with me about us being old rednecks sitting in old rocking chairs out front of our house, enjoying the company. Another friend thinks by the time our generation is old, the senior centers will be filled with LAN parties. It's weird to think about.

I realized today that I haven't been applying my philosophies evenly. Purposefully? I think that what I'm doing now is what I'll be doing then, for the most part. Waiting for something to happen won't suddenly have me handling money better, or managing my time properly, or being more likable in the aftermath. Procrastination doesn't solve problems.

If I want to be cute and friendly and funny and all that stuff when I'm old, I should be aiming for that now. I've let useless things get in the way. Sure, I might have a while to get there. The sooner the better. As they say, time flies.

Long day's night

It's been a while. But that's okay.

I used to blog a ton when I was younger. Almost everyday, I think. It got to the point that it wasn't for me, but for comments. I like comments. I had begun liking them too much though, so I stopped. I can't remember if I actually took a break or just started this one. Either way, this one got started, with the specific point of not writing for comments. Just for me. Foolishly writing an internet journal. Oh well. So, if I hadn't at some point before, I explained the title.

I'm no longer homeless, and no longer jobless. In fact, I might even be working too much. Which is okay too. A lot of moving here was to make money and pretend we were getting ahead. My current job puts me in a funny situation. I think it is funny anyway. I work some day shifts, then get some days off, and then get some night shifts. Not uncommon, I guess. The funny part is that, to prepare for working all night, I am staying up all night the night before. In other circumstances, totally irresponsible. However, I am doing this to BE responsible. I think that is kind of funny. I'm not used to this yet.

I watched 'The Avengers' yesterday. I really like that movie. It came together quite nicely. This morning I watched Joss Whedon's commentary on it. I've waited about a year to watch that. I think I'm a fan boy. When I watch the 'behind the scenes' and commentary things, it makes me want to be an actor. Part of it anyway. I know it isn't all fun, or even very much fun at all, but when they show that footage, it captures a part of the bond that has grown from them creating something together. I have the slightest knowledge of what that is like. I did musical theater is high school all four years I was there. I loved it, everybody had their part, and it all came together to make something. And then everyone trickles away to whatever else they have. After I graduated, I went back to see one of the productions. I still knew a few people there. High school musicals are terrible to watch. I didn't know that until after.

I am a pretty quiet guy, most must think. I have an irrational fear of strangers. Fear is too strong a word. Reluctance to engage. I blame that whole 'strangers are bad' thing that was around when I was growing up. Stranger danger. I know why it was there, and maybe it is necessary, I just don't like the lessons learned. I worry that being closed of prevents me from making friends and maintaining good relationships. I also fear that I don't talk about important things. As kids we talk about games and... well, as boys that's most of it. I think that sticks for life actually. More things just get added on. Work, bills, money, politics, even weather. Maybe those are important. Maybe those are the gateway conversations to... whatever is important.

What I really wish though was that I knew how to engage people in conversation. I mean more than that, but my words are weak right now. I know that talking about yourself all the time isn't the way to go. I'm not nearly half as interesting to anyone else as I am to me. When you can talk to someone, and throughout the conversation they feel like you do find them interesting, maybe even more interesting than they do, then a wonderful conversation happens. I figure, the best way to do that, to make others feel like you think they are interesting, is to actually, genuinely be interested.

Sometimes, a lot of times, I can't climb out of my own head.

About time

I changed everything. I got married, I moved to the land of winter, I am homeless, jobless, and still don't really know what to do. Well, kind of. I want to get a home, get a job, get a direction. That last one I want most of all. That one will add more meaning to everything. I hope.

I had an interview yesterday. I was asked questions, and tried to give answers. Maybe if I pretend to interview someone for a fake job sometime, I might understand better what they are asking for, and then I can answer better accordingly. That might be cheating. After the interview, I had two hours of aptitude tests, with three other guys. They where stuff like 'how do machines work?' and 'what comes next in the pattern?' and geometry and stuff like that. One of them was fifty miscellaneous questions in twelve minutes. I think that one was the most fun. They were all timed, but that one was the most impossible. I almost did it. Sometimes I forget how much I enjoy that stuff. I hadn't had to do problems like that since high school. It's been a while.

Some people know what they want to do all their lives. Lucky ducks. I'm sure obstacles rise, but they rise anyway. Trial and error is my route. I guess. It is such a simple thing though. I could go do anything. I've thought that for a while, but it hasn't really been helpful. Anything is a lot of doors. Too many doors.

My dad always wanted me to get into computers. They came up out of nowhere and took off in his lifetime. And there is a lot of money in it. I don't really like computers. I like using them fine, but when they get cranky, I have no power. I could learn, but it's never been very appealing. I could, and probably will, get into some kind of trade. For a while at least. I want to know how to build things. Fix things. I want to use and strengthen my strengths. I want to be terrific at something. I don't need to be 'the guy' of everything. Just one thing is enough. I want to know what that thing is. Until then, I'll learn to build things and fix things.

Summer is my favourite season. Hands down. Even if it is stinkin' hot.

I'm reading the wrong books to be happy where I am. I just read A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller (again), and that about living a better story, and not wasting life away on a couch. Maybe, instead, doing something meaningful. I'm stuck though. I'm stuck because I don't know what I want. In a good story, a character wants something. There is more to it than that, but that is where I am stuck. I can't turn elsewhere. No one else can tell me what I want.

I think I like camp so much because it invites me into their story. I feel like it is a good one. It is almost always stressful, on the verge of chaotic, and very hard. The harder something is, the better it is. The thing is, I can't always be at camp. Right now, I am not at camp. So, what is my story now? Will I get off the couch?

Maybe.

Second Place

I feel like I've waited too long. For a few things. Everything changes, fast, and it can be difficult to keep up.

You know, I think I'm going to go in a different direction. I thought I was going to write about losing, outlining some of the things I've lost, but that sucks. Straight up. Maybe instead, I'll write about how sunny it is outside, and all the wonderful things that are planned in the future. Because I'll find what I want to find. If I want to find lacking, I'll find it, and be tons of fun. And if I want to find smiles, I'll find those. Like it or not.

It has been gorgeous outside. I really like it. It isn't stinking hot like it will be come summer, but it sure ain't cold. Wonderful. Now I have absolutely no excuse not to do all that yard work. The cheese plant really likes the cheese I make for them. They are talking about sending it in to contests and things like that. Makes me think I'm like my dad. I like to think that he is among the best at what he does. While I can't say I'm the best at this, at least I do a good job.

May has been a pretty sweet month so far. Lots of things have been happening, and people visiting, so it's been flying by. I went fishing for the first time ever. And you are HOW old? Didn't catch a thing. Not even a nibble. Despite the lackluster performance, I still managed to bust a rod. Way to go. But it was fun. I'm not super big into boating. Or 4x4ing, but that's a different topic. I think I could go boating for days if there was a fishing rod going. Boating, even though it is nice, seems like a waste of time and gas to me. But if there is potential of catching fish (glorious fish!), then that changes everything. I don't even care if we catch anything, although I would like to. Who I am, to think I can control the fish? I'd be a fool, that's who.

One of my roommates is going away for three to four weeks. He leaves tomorrow. If I'm lucky, and by that I mean, if I set aside time and actually do it, I can get the house clean while he is gone. I hate living in a messy house. Hate it. Especially when guests come. How embarrassing. I have great excuses for why I haven't had time, but Steph told me I'd make time, if I wanted to. I don't always like it when she is right. She is always right.

It's strange to think that there is a war raging inside me. It makes total and complete sense; it is just strange to think it. Another strange and totally obvious thought, is that I have to lose. To die, as it were. Because, when I don't die, when I 'live', that is when I am defeated.

At the director's house, they were taking care of another boy for the day. Who was competitive, I guess. Him and Livy would race, and she was a little faster than him. So, annoyed, he goes to her father. "Livy's Dad, Livy's Dad." What is it? "Can you tell Livy that, that she doesn't have to win all the time?" Livy, you don't to win all the time. Okay, she says. And so they race again, the boy finally winning. I win!
'I lose!' just as cheerfully.

I know I don't need to win. I know. I sure don't like losing though. Even if it is better for me...

Like a Brick to the Face

Life is a crazy thing. I don't think I will ever really have a handle on it.

I know where I am, and I know what I am doing. I know part of where I want to go. I don't really know where I am going though. I am a cheese maker now. I make more than a hundred kilograms of cheese three to four times a week. Everyone says that what I have, jobwise, is pretty darn sweet. And it is. They are right. Being able to legitimately say '"I'm a cheese maker" is way cooler than most other jobs you could tell people you had. I'd put it in the same category that astronaut fits under. Obviously very different, but they fit together by their otherness.

As cool as being a cheese maker is, I don't think that is where I want to be, when all is said and done. Something else has to happen before the curtain falls. I'm not sure what that is yet though. I'm working, I'm paying the bills. Most of them, anyway. I'm not satisfied. And I don't know what will bring that about. If you were to ask me why I was here, I could fumble out answers that would leave you satisfied, but if you were to ask me what I was really doing here...well, I guess I could fumble answers for that too. But they would not mean anything. I can give you surface answers. Where am I going. That is the question I could not answer you. And that drives me nuts.

I read a blog post from one of the three most influential men in my life today. None of these three know that they have been named one of the three most influential men in my life, maybe because I decided that tonight. That blog post was about vision. I think that is what I want. It's hard to strive when you don't know where you are going. It's hard to push when you feel stuck, going in circles. Vision doesn't come easy. Nothing good does. I just need it to be from God. I'm not as strong as I think I am.

Over a month ago now, we were going to go on a little road trip. In my little car. It needed a little work. That work translated into a pile of money. More than I was expecting it to be, and far more than I was ready for it to be. So, we fixed it up, and I had no money. That's an easy thing to get stuck on. Especially when you feel like people are relying on you. I'm supposed to be saving and all that junk. Getting ahead. Ha. Whenever I feel like I'm starting to get ahead, it all gets smashed by things beyond my control. I felt pretty bitter. The love of my life commented on how my car drove, and my bitterness poured from my open mouth. She didn't talk to me again until we got to her house. I hadn't realized it, but this wasn't just starting then. It had been going on for a while, and she noticed, and was tired of it.

I went home. My mind was going pretty fast. It took a while to get places though. Maybe it doesn't go as fast as I think it does. I was thinking that Jesus said somewhere that it isn't what goes into a man that makes him unclean, but what comes out of him, because what comes out of him comes from the heart. Something like that. So if my words and attitude was bitter and rotten, then my heart must be bitter and rotten too. And how do you make good again what has become rotten? I don't know any way.

I asked God to give me a new heart. Begged is a better word. I don't understand God. I don't understand how he can love me, regardless of what I do or don't do. I don't understand why he takes care of me, even when...always. Regardless. Without exception. Even though I rebel, would rather do nothing, waste my life. I'm sure he gave me a new heart. Or maybe just cleaned up the one I had. I know he does those things because he loves me. Love... I know more about it now than I ever have, but still can't fathom it. It's not an emotion. Emotions come and go like the wind. Love doesn't.

I don't understand why he would give me a new heart, and then let me slowly go back to where I was before. It's only been a month. I'm not going the direction I want to go. I'm not as strong as I think I am. I need God. I know that. Sometimes it even shows up in how I do things. Sometimes.

One of my bigger fears is that I won't be good enough. And I'm not. But, I know God is.

Water, Water everywhere...

I really want to write something. Something wonderful. Something I can feel good about, because think it is wonderful (whether it is or not). But nothing is coming right now.

One of my roommates is getting married this Saturday. That means this week is a gongshow. I crashed my car a couple weeks ago. I was pretty upset about that. Nobody got hurt, which is what is important, but I miss her. All my expensive things are female. Maggie was a good car. My fiancee thought she was a guy, and that his name was Magnus. Doesn't matter much now.

Without a car, I've taken up biking to work. It's about a 20-30 minute bike ride. Then I work outside for eight hours. Sun is nice. It's great actually. I love summer. It is hands down my favourite season. I like all the seasons, but summer is my favourite. Eight hours of sun is getting to be a little much though. I got past the burning stage though. Now I just turn browner and browner. The farmers tan is strong in this one.

The groom's family comes tonight. His parents are staying here, while his sisters are staying with the bride. I'm not crazy huge on my house being flooded with people. Especially people I don't know very well. I guess I could get used to it, if they stayed for a time that was more than a week. Turns out, the older you get, the less substantial a week seems. Now, a week seems like nothing. They manage to fit a lot into this nothing. I think the Bride's father is coming up today too, and staying here. And one of my friends is playing music for their wedding. He comes up tomorrow.

More people make me feel like a stranger in my own house, and once I'm past that, like I have to be entertaining for the duration of their stay. And I'm not really entertaining. I might actually be more annoying. Which explain why I don't think my friends like me too much by the time they are leaving after a stay. Despite all that, I wish more people would come for more time. I hate being alone. Sometimes I need it, but not as often as I have it available. I can't just drive away from it anymore.

I'm staying here to work for the summer. I'm pretty sure, anyway. The days might start being longer than 8 hours. My best beloved is going to a camp that I love for the summer. I'm going to miss her a bunch. That's why I want more people to come. They can't replace her, but maybe I won't feel so alone. She left yesterday for the night. She comes back today. I haven't had time to write here for a while. Now I do.

I don't have to worry about that yet though. So I won't

How to be a rockstar

I thought about writing something really cool and vague but deep on the topic of how to be something, which would totally tell how to do something, kind of, but would also give you a window into my life, through ridiculous intelligent and clever sentences. Alas, I have to know something before I can tell anyone how to do something... You know? I have a friend who has a blog, and I didn't know, and I found it and read it, and he is intelligent and clever. I like those words. It reinspired me to be both of them. Not that I lost inspiration. Just, sometimes, I forget.

I like adventures. I think my clever, intelligent friend should come have adventures with me. Right now, my adventures are somewhat limited. I blame Jed. I blame Jed for everything, and it just isn't right to do that. I blame work. I get up early and do my stuff, and then after I don't want to do anything. As long as I don't stop, I'm okay. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not destined to be a log planer. Not that destiny has anything to do with it. They don't really have work for me right now, so every day I work could be my last. Really messes with your motivation.

Perspective is everything though. Everything is perspective? It's easy to look at life and feel like you couldn't do it. Like you can't do it. And then you lose, game over, and take your ball and run home, but running fixes nothing, because you still only see what you want to see. Or you can fight it. Life gives you lemons. That cliche.

I don't actually know. I know perspective plays a big part in life. I know living defeated sucks.

I like adventures. When I drive at night, and no one is on the road, I think I could drive anywhere. Just drive all night. I could be in a different world by morning. I could go see anyone I wanted. I could go anywhere. I can go anywhere. Do anything. I think sometimes people get stuck, and so they dream, but they don't reach their dreams because they seem unattainable, because the dreams are future, and the people are stuck. But they aren't actually stuck.

I like the idea of setting dates. Let's get married this day. We might go crazy making it happen, but it will happen. Let's go visit that guy who left us. It's nice talk, but things don't seem to happen, in my experience, without something making it happen. Things don't happen by themselves. People don't change because they want to. They change because they have to. If they don't have to, they won't change. Want to change? Put yourself in a place where, unless you start changing now, you won't be able to handle what's coming. This is garbage. I agree with what I'm saying. But presented like this, it's garbage. I should delete it. I won't though.

I should click that monetize button. One day.

We wanted to do a worship night where we brought youth groups from around the area together. So, we puttered around for a while, and finally we set a date. And did nothing. But, as the date is coming closer, we realize we have to do something. We put things in motion that, well, they can be stopped, but that will be embarrassing.... And so we make stuff happen. Find a speaker. Youth groups. Find a band. Or maybe step up and BE a band. I don't know how that story ends yet. You can pray for it though. It's God's anyway. Right?

Maybe I should be doing something else right now.

Pumpkin pie

Sometimes I just need to write something here so I will stop thinking about stuff to write here. I plane logs now again. It doesn't take up much mental anything, so it's easy to let the mind drift. And so it does.

I thought about regrets. What if I could go back in time in my life, and live life again from that point on, with all the knowledge I have now? What if I could go back to when I was in highschool, and realized I could do anything I wanted, and actually did something instead of waiting for it to do itself? What if I wasn't scared of new situations and people because they weren't new? Man, I would do things different. Then I realized I was now. Planing logs. It weirded me out a bit. If going back, I would do things different, why don't I do the things that come now how I think I should have done them then? If that makes sense. I'll try again. I'd be friendlier and less shy, more likable if I returned to past situations. Why don't I do this with current situations? Then I thought I should write this down. But there were logs to plane... so I didn't.

But I did keep pondering it. If I did go back and get myself all skilled like in highschool, there is a really good chance I wouldn't be where I am now. Which I guess is part of why I'd want to go back and change stuff. But if I had stuff going, getting skilled and all that, would I have still gone to camp for most of the summer? And, more importantly, gone back the next summer for the whole thing? Because without camp I never met her, and without the next year our relationship never grew. And it continues to grow. If I knew going back and getting skilled made me rich, but I never met her, I don't think I would get rich. This is sounding like one of those movies, where a married guy isn't happy with life, and has a redo. Like seventeen again. Or Shrek. Kind of.

Wisdom was on my mind a bit, so I started reading proverbs. It is true that wisdom has lots to do with listening, and taking advice and rebukes to heart, but 'a word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver'. Or something like that. Even a fool is considered wise if he keeps his mouth shut. Wisdom is much more than not talking.

I'm learning (the hard way) that the easy way out is never worth it. Maybe not never. 'Never' and 'Always' should not be used in arguments. Nor should accusatory sentences. "You never listen" "You are always late" Bad. Anyway, I play a nerd game sometimes, and you can beat it, keep a skill, and then play it again, with the option to make it harder. or not. But the harder you make it, the better the rewards are. This might not all make sense. Don, my favourite author, wrote a book about story, about how good stories are about character who overcome a crisis to get what they want. That makes a good story. He went on to talk about how those same principles that make a good story can make a good life.

The harder things are, the more you want to back out. But, if you stick it through, if you overcome, you are something more afterwards. You've grown. If you run out, or give in, give up, you lose. The rewards are nothing, if they are rewards at all, compared to sticking with it. To overcoming. Check out Revelations 2-3. To him who overcomes...

It's worth it.

Ain't it something to know...

The problem with the world can't be boiled down to one problem. Can it? I guess one could try. I'm not that balzy though.

Nor am I that talksy. I went to a bible study with some guys. It was defs an older person bible study. and really small. I like small. There is nothing wrong with small. Just, when someone doesn't talk, it gets noticed. In the beginning, I disagreed heavily with what they were saying. But as I listened, they went other places that I did agree with. I was glad I held my tongue, and so continued to do so. Afterwards, one of the guys told me I was the wisest one there. Apparently wisdom doesn't speak. Or those with wisdom don't. Maybe that's true. Maybe that is why things are the way they are today.

Some things never change though. I believe men need to work. Not necessarily that they were made to work, but that they need to. Paul says if you don't work, you don't eat. I like that rule. I'll be a great parent. And even before that, with the fall, work had to be to get food. Farming is a lot of work. You can diss farmers if you want. You can also starve if you want. Since I believe I should be working, not being able to find anything is all the more frustrating. No wonder the unemployed feel so helpless. So useless.

One day, if things work out, I'll build things. I like the idea of building something. I also like the idea of getting better, at improving on what you do. It's work though. There's no such thing as a free lunch, or so I've heard. The good things in life are worth waiting for. The good things in life are worth working for. Worth living for. But still, I sit here, not really working towards anything. Unemployed people might think they are lazy too. No matter how much work they do. And no matter how little work they do, they are still tired. Bizarre? I think so.

I've heard, in some societies, they have a rite of manhood, where a boy becomes a man. After this rite, he is no longer treated like a boy, because he is a man. If they continued to treat him like a boy after he underwent that rite, he might continue to act like a boy. We don't have rites of manhood here. Now. So, boys go on being boys until they get tired of it. Some never do. Some end up being thirty, forty years old and still living in their parent's basement. And then boys meet girls and make more, who also don't learn about being men.

It's time someone grew up. Not saying people don't. I know lots of people that I shared my childhood with who are all grown. What I am saying is, it's probably time for me to grow up.

I wish I decided this years ago though.

Speeding metal things

I have some to say about these. Firstly, I think these are dangerous. Doesn't matter how you look at it. Who thought metal flying around at ridiculous speeds was a good thing? Now, the description 'Speeding metal things' can apply to a variety of objects. Like bullets. But in this episode, I am referring to automobiles. My thoughts and past encounters with them, in order.

Speeding is an interesting thing. The law says you can't go faster than this, but everybody does it anyway. I was passively against speeding before I started driving. Passively meaning, I don't think I would speed, but the next guy can do what he wants. I understood, and understand, that speeding doesn't actually get you places that much faster. And if you need to speed to get somewhere on time, well, better late than never, right? This is all great theory, and I still agree with most of it. But once I started driving, I definitely started speeding. Sometimes. When someone was right on my tail, I felt like it was rude to not go faster, and though I was relieved when someone in front of me did the speed limit so I had to too, when no one was around I still sped. I still think speeding is kind of stupid. Anyway, one of the times I was behind a speed limit car, being thankful, I had a thought. I guess it was from God, perhaps. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish which are from me or not. Looking back, none of them are clearly labeled. But I'd like to think it was from God.

The thought was that breaking the law or not shouldn't rely on what others around me are doing. If someone behind me wanted to go faster, I sped up. I didn't speed when there was a slow car in front of me, but that was it. My ability to follow the rules or not depends on me, doesn't it? Why did I let other people's actions decide what I do? So I slowed down. At the time it was voluntary, but now my hand has been forced.

On Saturday, I was driving to pick up Steph from work. So, I rounded a corner, and there was something in the road. It was a log. I almost dodged it. It went flying off the road to the right, and I pulled over. Hit the rim pretty nicely. Changed the tire. A guy pulled over to help me. Nice guy. Got it all changed, and off I go. Except poor Maggie wants to go right, all the time. Log did more damage than I thought. Sunday afternoon I got my mechanic(and only) roommate to look at it/drive it. He deems it dangerous. I went to a place to get it fixed, but they sent me to another place that I don't know the location of. It's really sketch driving in snow now. I drive really slow.

Tonight, My fiancee was in a car crash. She was going slowly, but the road was super icy and the car spun around. It's hard not to press on the brakes. They make you stop most of the time. The car hit a telephone pole on the other side of the road. Her and her sister were okay, but shaken up. When I got to the hospital, they made me wait. and wait. and wait. I was so mad. But I finally got to see her. Crashing shakes a person up a bit. The car is toast. They are okay though, and that's what matters. That's all that matters.

I heard I sermon once, or maybe it was just an announcement, or just maybe I was daydreaming in church (oops), but the thought stuck on how dangerous cars really are. It's a passive belief, and any hope it has of growing is squelched by my forced reliance on them. I don't live ten minutes walking from town anymore with a fancy bus service.

I don't like cars.

Fifths

So, this first chunk will be updating all my internet stalkers on where I am. I haven't posted here since April, and might not post again for a while. But I like that it is still here, and that I can still continue to write whatever I desire here. Beautiful.

I passed year one of Bible College. Not flying colours, but I sure didn't suck. It's like in highschool, where I could have done well if I tried. At that time,. trying seemed ridiculous. I'd rather just have fun with my friends who were there. Which I do not regret at all, because through events they left me or I left them. We are still friends, just not in the same place. So, no regrets, but at college, I tried, and I did better. Fancy that.

In May, Steph and I rocked the world. Well, not quite, but it sounds cool. We went up to Fort Saint John, because some of her family lives up there. I hadn't met them before. Before we left, the head of the family had a talk with me about being responsible and stuff like that. You're getting married? Do you have a job? How will you provide for her? Do you have a house? All very good questions. Still, I was upset. Probably most because I knew he was right. I wish he wasn't though. If he wasn't right, then maybe I would be married right now. Things would not be easier, but different things would be hard than the things that are hard now. I still wish I was more together.

We spent the summer at camp, and grew a lot. The theme was trials, which was great. I know camp is for the kids, but I'll betcha I got more out of it, and am still getting more out of it than the kids did. Life is hard, which leaves me lost and weak feeling. 'unprepared' 'irresponsible' 'not ready' 'sincere but misled'. Which make trials and hard stuff great. I can't do it. I'm not self sustaining. Independence leaves me dead. I'm not enough. I know who is though. That helps.

After camp, I went home and practicing driving lots. Tons. Not enough. I failed my N test, and was very sad. Trials, right? My dad gave me a couple books to read. One about what we do with our money(I was very skeptical, but it was actually pretty good) and one about trusting God. They might have changed how I think. I'm pretty sure everything changes how I think. I passed the test two weeks later. Barely.

Hours after passing, I had bought a car and got it insured. Woot woot. But, the car was a standard, and I didn't actually know how to drive standard. Oops. Haha. So, a friend of mine who did know how to drive standard drove with me a bit. It helped. The next morning I had breakfast with my bad and my brother before moving. I stopped off at the college on the way up. I like those guys. Arrived at my destination the next day.

I arrived on a Thursday. The monday following a guy called me with a job, which was sweet. But only two weeks long. But when it ended, he called another guy who had a job for me. Also sweet. That lasted three weeks.That's the beginning of November. A whole month of being sad and not having a job despite much searching. I hate job searching. Now we are here. I have no money, and some by the end of the month fo sho. But, I got a part time job as a sandwich artist starting on Tuesday. It's something. And I still know I'm not alone.

I don't fully know what I want to do with my life. I know I want to marry my beautiful fiancee and support her well, have a family, please God, good stuff like that. But the how I support them, I have no idea.

There have been things in my life that I have thoroughly enjoyed. Musical theatre throughout highschool, Camp, Look Out Behind You. I play a dumb game sometimes. It's great. It's lots of fun, I think. The creator and company do radio shows and stuff, and I'm nerd enough to listen to them. I find, more than playing the game, I'd rather be on their end, making it happen. But I know I wouldn't fit with them. From what I've seen, those who are putting the whatever on for the rest generally have a better time, and a tighter community. Sometimes, after I watch a movie, I like to watch the bloopers. Who doesn't? But after that, I might end up watching a commentary. Or two. Weird eh? I blame the bloopers. I see the community they have, and I want to be a part of that. Which translates to me telling myself that I want to be an actor. But even in highschool, I noticed that the teachers, faculty I should say, had their own community going too. I hoped that writing this out would clean it up in my head. Hmm.

Essentially, I decided I need to start something that does something for people who need it, and I need to do it with people. I just don't know what it is, or who it is for.

Objects in Space

A large portion of me frequently thinks I might be insane, or at least really, really weird. Yeah Werner, we all know that. Ha. Ha. So. Funny. The way my head works seems so ridiculous sometimes. I'm pretty old, and I still don't know how I work.

People keep telling me I am lousy at posting often. It's true. You win. Tell me it more. That's how you change things. Or, maybe, just maybe, I know it sounds crazy, but you could give me something to post about. Life as a student is highly exciting. Full of excitement. Excitement that by no means is internet worthy, and that sure is saying something. We may never know what, but it is definitely something.

I'm getting married! In September! Some people wonder why I want to marry her so fast. The bestest reason I could think of is that, once I marry her, our relationship doesn't have to be distant anymore. There are benefits to distance, like you can't do stupid things like go swing dancing together. You can't really do much together, except talk, and so we talk, and talking is great. We understand that we are different. That it won't be all roses. But, every short visit is tough because we are ripped apart again. And, until we say some vows and sign some papers in front of some witnesses, establishing a covenant with each other, that's all we have to look forward to. Distant talks and painful farewells. Sounds great, right? Sicko.

I highly enjoy Mark Hawkes classes, as I have probably said before. Almost definitely. I should read this more often. We are almost done. Just weeks left. Three and half left. So we are in Deuteronomy, because the Pentateuch is the first five books of the bible, and Deuteronomy is the last book. This must be hard reading. Well, the emphasis was how do we love God? The class has been applying things I had known before in ways that totally make sense. Why are there so many laws in the bible? Well, why do shampoo bottles say 'Do not drink'? We needed the rules. We need the rules. And the more we break them, the more we are given.

This morning was about how God loves us, and entered into a covenant with the Israelites, and then... that's what a wedding is, right? A covenant between two people? Doesn't the New testament say a few times that we are the bride of Christ? Yeah Werner, we all know that. Sure you do. Prove it. If God is wedded to us, he has shown and shows that he loves us. And if we want our union with God to last, we have to show that we love him too. Love is a choice. Sure, love can be a feeling, but when the feeling fades, you can still love. If I treated Stephanie like I treat God, she wouldn't have said yes. How do I show God that I love him?

I asked Stephanie once, how was best to show someone that you loved them, and she said, "to show someone you love them... I think it's in the way you live, it's the way you treat them when they are around, it's the way you behave when they arent around. It's making choices that you know they would smile at.. rather than cringe at. That's what I think anyways..". Sometimes I wish following God boiled down to things I could do. But, the things I am supposed to do, I do so badly at. Other times, I think it is best how it is. Even if it has to be so hard, all the time. And by so hard, I mean the same situation, over and over again. God pulled through once, can he do it again? Why is that hard?

I've discovered also, that despite my statements about being old, I am actually really young, and know almost nothing. So, I don't really mind some time learning, being built, becoming equipped, if you will. I'm not making sense anymore. Post end.

Between

Ahaha. So, I'm in between class now. Not classes, but class. Gotta love double blocks. Especially this one. Pentateuch might be my favourite course this semester. This morning, I woke up early. Not early enough to pick daffodils, but early enough to have tons of time for breakfast and even get to class early. Only to discover, someone thought pranks were funny. They moved everything in the commuter lunge into a classroom, a classroom into the lounge, and another classroom into the hallway. And they put lots of chairs in the boys washroom stalls. So, I was conscripted. These cool kid prankers also messed with the projector, and there was no power point for us this morning. Brilliant. But is was still a good class, because... Because why? Well, the plagues are really cool, and Mark is a good teachers, and it has built my expectations up high, and they haven't been let down yet. And he is the only teacher I personally elected to tell I was engaged.

Oh yeah, I'm engaged. I said I wouldn't type this story, but I have half an hour, right? Why not? Stephanie was moving to my island, so she drove down to visit me before catching a boat to my island. We didn't really know what to do while here, so we had a tour and walked around and visited Mike and Michelle. Mike said, hey, you could probably go with them. I remembered discussing why we couldn't though, so I rehashed those. Chairs-don't worry about chairs. Umm.... it's illegal. Oh. Well, we tried. However, the next day, Sunday, Mike was driving to the ferry in the morning anyway, and in the evening anyway too, so... Stephanie and company left, and I started thinking, I could totally go to my island tomorrow.

So I did. I caught an earlyish ferry, grabbed a bus, landed at a mall. And went ring shopping. Oh man. This one guy was trying to sell me things as though I had money. Yeah right. Then I hoofed it real fast to her house, wondering if I knew the right place. I knew a place, and I knew where I was going, but if I had it wrong somehow, I had no idea. But I didn't have it wrong. I got the grand tour, and then I walked her down to the mall so she would know where the mall that was really close to her was.

We got back to her place around 5, and then headed out in search of a park. I knew there were parks everywhere, but I kind of forgot where. We saw a car gate, and figured parks have car gates. Do parks have car gates? I don't know. It was not a park. I later learned that, had I just continued up the road another five minutes, we would have found a wonderful park. great view and everything. But, that didn't happen. We had found a water reservoir. and it was misty, and kind of creepy (creepy good) and there were empty lots that looked like houses belonged, but they didn't. No dogs were allowed on the reservoir, so we walked around, and found a potentially creepy path, and Stephanie wanted to walk it, because it wasn't creepy yet, because it was not dark. I said we should chill at the reservoir though. I still don't know where that path goes.

We walked into the middle of the reservoir (because we are not dogs) and I pulled out a magic twig. The day before, when she was visiting me at the school, she gave me some magic leafs that would allow me to ask her a special question, and she would have to answer, honestly and without avoidance. She had been thinking that she does that too often, and she doesn't want to. That was her purpose for the leafs, which were gross, so we ripped the leaf part off, and thus, magic twigs. So, I gave her one of those. She gave me two, but I couldn't find the other. She asked me what my question was, and I totally had one, but I was scared, so I stalled. We talked about romantic things like earthquakes and animal pee. Delish. Eventually, she didn't believe I had a question, and said she could keep the stem until I did. But I did have a question. I made her count to thirteen, and she did, since she figured we were being very silly. Do you know what happens now? No, what? I tell you what my special question is. Oh, I knew that. So, what is it?...

Nothing happened.

We walked over to a water pump thing, and then to the other side. No more stalling Werner. Okay. I told her she should sit down, close her eyes, and count to five. She said it was wet, so she didn't want to sit, and last time she counted, nothing happened. But she agreed eventually. She didn't sit down though. She counted to four, and her numbers were all over the place after that. I smiled. Her eyes were closed, so I could assume the position and bust out the ring. Yes, I got a ring. I asked her, when she was done counting, and she said yes and called me crazy and Spanish, and was very excited. That's pretty much the story, right? We walked back to her place in the dark.

We started telling people pretty quick. Some people were that, 'that's so cool!' and others were like 'okay. Congrats', and still others 'What? I didn't even know you were going out', and more recently 'Really? is it true?' Is it really that unbelievable? Recently, we put it up on facecrack. Immediately, comments were on Stephanie's side of things. Many likes. My side, nothing. There is one comment. From Stephanie. Because I kept complaining that nobody liked that I was engaged, only that she was. More people care that if I tried to bus in Vancouver, I'd get lost. Jarper even likes that. hahaha. Oh Jarper...

They shut down the internet soon, so, like it or not, this is the end of this post. Happy 100th post! haha.

A Passive Fight

I went to chapel tonight, because it is Wednesday night, and on Wednesday night, they have a mandatory chapel service, so I went to chapel. I've been wondering things for a week now. Last week, I was also at chapel, because it was Wednesday, and... anyways, last week they had a really good chapel service. People kept talking about it over the next days. But, I don't respond as well to services as I used to, so I didn't get a super lot out of it.

See, I was younger once, and I saw other people trying that stuff, and that was the thing to do. So I did it. I tried the praying thing, lifting my hands up, laying on the ground. I laid for a long time, and as I lay there, I wondered what was supposed to be happening, and why everyone else was laying on the ground. I tried to get comfy, so maybe I was doing it wrong, but the carpet wasn't really that clean, and there are comfier places. Eventually I stopped figuring doing stuff at some emotional service with fancy lights and mood music would do anything. It has to be more about outside, in real life, right? Some guy said we had heard lots of sermons already, and that we didn't need more sermons, and I agreed. But, I think I still need something, and it never was a sermon.

Back to a week ago, I pegged it all on a guy, one of the teachers here. He is inspiring, and every class makes me what to do better. He could definitely answer my questions. However, I'm scared of opening up to him like that. I've decided I have to, but it still terrifies me. I can't seem to find the opportune moment. I didn't ask him last week. But all the things he said, about running all for God, no more half hearted crap, I wanted to ask him abouts. How does one do that? What should I do? Can anything I do make God do anything? Yes, but... it has to, doesn't it? The prayers of a righteous man move the heart of God, right?

I figure discipline would help me a lot. Stop me from doing what I shouldn't, while keeping me on the track of doing what I should. Self-control. That is one of them Spirit fruits, right? Well then. I still don't know how to get self control. I figure I learn some things by doing them, so maybe I can just control myself in small things and work up, right? Maybe. This week at chapel though was also good. I like services that don't have sermons. It looked like it was going to have been a pretty solid service, but at the end dorkface who was going to preach, and some other guy suggested he might not, decided he would conclude with his sermon. Oh dorkface. Always surprising us.

I have to wrap this up, but I realized my hero with the answers wouldn't have anymore answers than God would. If he has any at all. Why am I not coming with this to God? People always say that you just got to read your bible and pray everyday, and that makes you a Christian. It makes you whatever I am trying to be. But I've done that before and here I am, still the same, in my eyes. It's frustrating.

The problem is deeper. There are goats and there are sheeps. If you realize you are a goat, how do you become a sheep? Can a man change his heart? If he can, how? I ain't no good at surgeries. Someone popped a blood blister for me once and I got light headed and had to sit down. Embarrassing, yes, but a man's gotta do...

I don't know how to get that deep, or how to change anything if I ever got there. They say that reading that book and talking to walls helps. I don't know, but there is no harm in trying...

Football

I am writing this because I was told to. When I asked him what to write about, he told me it was my blog, so I could do what I wanted. I found that kind of funny, how he said I should write, but then told me it was my blog. He suggested I write about him. A story maybe? Well, there you are. There's your story. If I was a bad a jerk, then I would end it all here, and I would have written, like I told him I would, even about what he suggested, while still making my point. However, I think I have more to write about, so I will. And it would be kind of chintzy to say I was going to write something and do that. So there. Integrity.

And Purity. I watched a movie. I don't get to watch many movies here on my hill. It wasn't on my hill, it was in a theater, but that made it more special. When do I see movies in theaters anymore? The last one I saw was...in June maybe? September lates. Jordan invited me, which was cool. And there were actually a bunch of people going, which was a pleasant surprise. And, apparently Tuesday is special at that theater, so we got pop and popcorn for free with our tickets. Crazy. I was thinking 'I sure ain't getting any overpriced theater food', but it happened. So I turned down the popcorn and got a fruit beer. It has been a while for those too. Jordan got a water, but, oops, it's carbonated. Sort of funny. We watched Blindside. I decided it is about purity. To some degree anyway. Maybe I'm delusional. Whatevs. I laughed and I cried, it was beautiful. An experience to be had.

It made me miss my lady friend a bit. I guess it is about nine more days. Yes, there is a countdown. Is that bad? I missed her because I decided I want to experience life with her. Friends, you can ask a lot of them, but you can't ask them to give up life as they know it to come live a life with you. It shouldn't be expected, and it is sort of weird to ask. Weird doesn't stop people anymore. To know and be known, to experience everything in this world with someone, that is special. That is why I miss her. Sometimes I think it is because I am a stupid boy, but it is more than that. But, enough of this.

I have it in my head that people don't like it when someone speaks of their other. So, I try to avoid doing it too much. I learned stuff at Bible College. Honest. Even some stuff about God. He does not work anything like I thought he might. I don't know how I thought he worked before, and maybe I didn't. I just thought he was. But he gives us chance on chance. Knowing more makes reading the bible fuller. same with prayer. It's funny, not 'haha' funny but a 'whoop whoop' funny, how now that it is more, I still don't do either much. I could get into comparisons between a boy and a girl and how God loves us, but I said I wouldn't talk of that much. Also, I am more accountable now for what I know. God gives us things for us, but we are supposed to share it. It ain't only for us.

I grew up in the church, and I have (or had. Who knows anymore?) a decent memory, so I know most of the bible stories. I went to the things with the youth groups. I know the kind of thing that is spoken of. And how often different things are spoken of, so much so, that when a person doesn't know something I have known since childhood, it throws me off a bit. I know. How could I think everyone knows what I knew? But it was so common, I assumed. As such, I feel like anything I might have to share ain't useful because it has all been heard before. There is nothing new under the sun, right?

That's the craziest thing though. Despite nothing being new, every child born has to catch up from the beginning. It is all new. Mark says that if a generation learned from history, well, we have never had that before. An entire generation not making the same mistakes as their fathers? What would happen? Israel, time and again were shown God's standard. Do this and I will make you plentiful. Do something else, reject me, I'll reject you, and you will be left to the world. Judges, over and over again. Kings, over and over again. What if...?

Also, God gives things to us to share. If we don't because we don't think anyone needs it, or that they have heard it all before... I'm not saying that everything you have been given needs to be publicly proclaimed. Motives. It always comes down to motives. If you announce everything that God has given you all the time, you better have a good reason, because I would probably like to punch you. Why do you say what you say? Somewhere, it is said that your words come from your heart. That is where evil or good comes from in a man. That is why you can give your body up unto the flames, and never once deny Jesus' name, but still not make it into heaven. It ain't nothing without love. Why do we do what we do?

Trust is a dangerous, difficult thing. Why dangerous? I'm talking about trusting in God. If he said something, he is going to do that. Do I trust that? The danger comes in when I decided God said he would do something he didn't. What am I then? I'm a fool, and I don't want to be a fool, so I can't pretend God said something he didn't. One of my realized goals in life is to not be stupid. Tricking myself into thinking my word is God's is stupid. But there are things that God defs said to do. It is in that book that he wrote. Loving enemies and neighbours and sharing what you are given. What if God lets you down? It sort of sounds silly to read, why would a God who loves you let you down? What if I wait for him to and he doesn't, what if I fall on my face because I trusted in him? They told me I was being silly. God loves me, and he will be there, and it would be silly to say he weren't. It's scary. What is my point? I don't know. I stayed up too late.

Trust God with your life, even though it is scary, and do things for the right reasons. Is putting stuff like this on the internet silly? Oh well.

Breastpiece for making decisions

The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.

For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

Sometimes, I go and get really excited about doing things. Cool things. Adventuresome things. Learning things. You know, things that would make people say, when I died, that I led a good life. Intentionality. Instead of being a lazy slacker. I get really excited about stuff like this. But then, it dies, and I still haven't done anything spectacular, or even started to. It is frustrating. Depressing. I'm excited now. I feel like I'm on the edge of so much. I don't want it to fizzle out without something to show. Maybe you can't live excited all the time. It sucks, but it makes sense. You need the downs to measure the ups, right?

Midterms are in the next week, I found a beautiful girl who said I could keep her, bible college is doing it's job, cause I read the bible and pray sometimes and want to. I might become spiritual yet. That last one might be the most exciting. I'm in a band, and we do stuff sometimes. I'm bad at multitasking, so I just have to take something and run with it. I'm also bad at focusing.

I thought that passage was interesting. That's why it is here.

Ten Minutes

So, I don't got much time, but why not? I wake up early like every morning now. Seven is early, I don't care who you are. Sure, there are earlier times, but I don't think I can do it. I used to be able to. I got sick. And with this paranoia going around, well, it makes me wonder. But I'll be fine. Because I have to be.
You know what else I have to do? Poop load of homework. Like, no wonder I never did it in school. It's tedious and long and unthrilling. And required to pass. But, if I don't do it, I cannot say that I just do what I'm told. And it's fun and easy to say that. So, my brain might explode, but I will have completed hours of boring work. Maybe it isn't even supposed to take hours. Maybe I'm just bad at it.
Who convinced me to go to school?

It's getting colder out. I've busted out my toque. I'll have to upgrade sweaters soon. My beard is thick to protect my face. There are moles about. And helicopter seeds are strewn about the campus. I love those seeds. I wonder if they work when they are wet? Yeah, they are all wet now. It rained last night. So I ate yogurt.

Seven minutes is enough

Your body is a phenominal instrument of science

I made it Bible college. I have a room with three other guys. One of them is an avid tea drinker. One of them is definitely a nerd. And the other one is from newfoundland. They are fun. I don't see them much, but enough. I'm pretty sure I've read more in the last couple weeks than I have over the last year. So. Much. Reading. But it's okay. I don't mind reading.

The people here are really strange, but they are pretty cool too. I told someone the people here were strange, and they said that's why you're there. I didn't think I was this strange. Someone is vacuuming outside my room. Why? I have no idea. We go to Chapel about three times a week. It's kind of ridiculous. I think so anyway.

And, lastly...Actually, I don't think I have anything else to say. Wasn't that exciting? I was mostly just killing time. Suckers

Everything is a Dragon

One weekend, Michael and Elizabeth and Stephanie and I all went to Victoria for the museum. Michael and Elizabeth had already paid to get into the museum and seen it all already, so they didn't really want to again. Stephanie and I went and saw the native exhibit tha was on the third floor. Apparently it is always there. Their artwork...well, I figured most of them looked the same. Like a type of animal. There wasn't much point to this paragraph but to get started, but you don't know that.

Camp was good. It was very different from last year, but different ain't always bad, see? I liked this year better. But it was way more tiring. I became the program assistant somehow. That meant I was up later every night, up early every morning, told the kids where to go, rang bells that needed ringing. They told me I was the fun-maker. There were other people there that I'm sure were more fun. But it was good. We got a bouncy castle. Oh man. I tried doing backflips, because when else can I try a back flip and not really get hurt? I landed on my head a bunch. But sometimes I made it around to my knees.

If you really wanted to know every detail about camp, you'll have to find me, catch me, and grill me. Ready in five minutes. Baha. I played Heather at the chapels. One weekend, Look Out Behind You assembled. We played music alright I guess. Considering we hadn't really played together for a couple months...not bad. Words.

I'm pretty sure I'm diseased and should be sleeping. Camp broke me. I can't sleep in nicely anymore, or stay up late. Hosed. And...I'm definitely not in the same place I was in June. I might even be a different person. And I go to College in days, and really have no idea what I'm doing. I'm sort of hoping that week of sleep comes soon. I think every seventh year is supposed to be a sabbath year, or something like that. I've decided that this is my sabbath year. Not that that will change anything. I'm just tired and wishing.

I went to a concert. It said no drugs or alcohol, but that stuff was defs present. Some of the bands were okay. Others were less likable. It happened in a big dust bowl, so it was very dusty and hot. I got a sweet shirt. The longer I have it, the more I like it. And Thrice played. Mmm. That's enough.