A Passive Fight

I went to chapel tonight, because it is Wednesday night, and on Wednesday night, they have a mandatory chapel service, so I went to chapel. I've been wondering things for a week now. Last week, I was also at chapel, because it was Wednesday, and... anyways, last week they had a really good chapel service. People kept talking about it over the next days. But, I don't respond as well to services as I used to, so I didn't get a super lot out of it.

See, I was younger once, and I saw other people trying that stuff, and that was the thing to do. So I did it. I tried the praying thing, lifting my hands up, laying on the ground. I laid for a long time, and as I lay there, I wondered what was supposed to be happening, and why everyone else was laying on the ground. I tried to get comfy, so maybe I was doing it wrong, but the carpet wasn't really that clean, and there are comfier places. Eventually I stopped figuring doing stuff at some emotional service with fancy lights and mood music would do anything. It has to be more about outside, in real life, right? Some guy said we had heard lots of sermons already, and that we didn't need more sermons, and I agreed. But, I think I still need something, and it never was a sermon.

Back to a week ago, I pegged it all on a guy, one of the teachers here. He is inspiring, and every class makes me what to do better. He could definitely answer my questions. However, I'm scared of opening up to him like that. I've decided I have to, but it still terrifies me. I can't seem to find the opportune moment. I didn't ask him last week. But all the things he said, about running all for God, no more half hearted crap, I wanted to ask him abouts. How does one do that? What should I do? Can anything I do make God do anything? Yes, but... it has to, doesn't it? The prayers of a righteous man move the heart of God, right?

I figure discipline would help me a lot. Stop me from doing what I shouldn't, while keeping me on the track of doing what I should. Self-control. That is one of them Spirit fruits, right? Well then. I still don't know how to get self control. I figure I learn some things by doing them, so maybe I can just control myself in small things and work up, right? Maybe. This week at chapel though was also good. I like services that don't have sermons. It looked like it was going to have been a pretty solid service, but at the end dorkface who was going to preach, and some other guy suggested he might not, decided he would conclude with his sermon. Oh dorkface. Always surprising us.

I have to wrap this up, but I realized my hero with the answers wouldn't have anymore answers than God would. If he has any at all. Why am I not coming with this to God? People always say that you just got to read your bible and pray everyday, and that makes you a Christian. It makes you whatever I am trying to be. But I've done that before and here I am, still the same, in my eyes. It's frustrating.

The problem is deeper. There are goats and there are sheeps. If you realize you are a goat, how do you become a sheep? Can a man change his heart? If he can, how? I ain't no good at surgeries. Someone popped a blood blister for me once and I got light headed and had to sit down. Embarrassing, yes, but a man's gotta do...

I don't know how to get that deep, or how to change anything if I ever got there. They say that reading that book and talking to walls helps. I don't know, but there is no harm in trying...