Second Place

I feel like I've waited too long. For a few things. Everything changes, fast, and it can be difficult to keep up.

You know, I think I'm going to go in a different direction. I thought I was going to write about losing, outlining some of the things I've lost, but that sucks. Straight up. Maybe instead, I'll write about how sunny it is outside, and all the wonderful things that are planned in the future. Because I'll find what I want to find. If I want to find lacking, I'll find it, and be tons of fun. And if I want to find smiles, I'll find those. Like it or not.

It has been gorgeous outside. I really like it. It isn't stinking hot like it will be come summer, but it sure ain't cold. Wonderful. Now I have absolutely no excuse not to do all that yard work. The cheese plant really likes the cheese I make for them. They are talking about sending it in to contests and things like that. Makes me think I'm like my dad. I like to think that he is among the best at what he does. While I can't say I'm the best at this, at least I do a good job.

May has been a pretty sweet month so far. Lots of things have been happening, and people visiting, so it's been flying by. I went fishing for the first time ever. And you are HOW old? Didn't catch a thing. Not even a nibble. Despite the lackluster performance, I still managed to bust a rod. Way to go. But it was fun. I'm not super big into boating. Or 4x4ing, but that's a different topic. I think I could go boating for days if there was a fishing rod going. Boating, even though it is nice, seems like a waste of time and gas to me. But if there is potential of catching fish (glorious fish!), then that changes everything. I don't even care if we catch anything, although I would like to. Who I am, to think I can control the fish? I'd be a fool, that's who.

One of my roommates is going away for three to four weeks. He leaves tomorrow. If I'm lucky, and by that I mean, if I set aside time and actually do it, I can get the house clean while he is gone. I hate living in a messy house. Hate it. Especially when guests come. How embarrassing. I have great excuses for why I haven't had time, but Steph told me I'd make time, if I wanted to. I don't always like it when she is right. She is always right.

It's strange to think that there is a war raging inside me. It makes total and complete sense; it is just strange to think it. Another strange and totally obvious thought, is that I have to lose. To die, as it were. Because, when I don't die, when I 'live', that is when I am defeated.

At the director's house, they were taking care of another boy for the day. Who was competitive, I guess. Him and Livy would race, and she was a little faster than him. So, annoyed, he goes to her father. "Livy's Dad, Livy's Dad." What is it? "Can you tell Livy that, that she doesn't have to win all the time?" Livy, you don't to win all the time. Okay, she says. And so they race again, the boy finally winning. I win!
'I lose!' just as cheerfully.

I know I don't need to win. I know. I sure don't like losing though. Even if it is better for me...