Amies

I get thoughts that I totally want to write almost all the time. Unfortunately, there is no way to write them when I receive them. I then proceed to compose what it might look like in my mind. However, during that process I start to think 'what the deuce? Man, follow the thought, see where it goes, don't stop here. You can think about it later and write it down later.' So I do, and it goes more places that I want to write down, but I have to keep going. It doesn't reach the end by the time I stop, and when I can write them down, all I remember is that I had something really good. It's a terrible feeling. But not as bad as accidentally microwaving your dog to death.

Now I'm scared that they will all look like silly not-epic-at-all ideas. They felt more.

I made a theory recently. Everybody lives in a balloon. That's my theory. Ask me about it later. You'll except it to be good, and then be horribly let down.

I decided God died to save us from a punishment we chose for ourselves because he loves us. He didn't do it so he could make us do his will. He's better at that than we are. And he didn't do it so we could become mindless puppets that don't make any decisions because we want to do his will.
He did it because he wants to be with us.

I was at a small church on a small island, and a lady who had been in Russia apparently was talking about tables. How Jesus was at a lot of tables. Like, seriously. The other day, I saw an old couple with another old woman, and they were talking pretty loudly, because I was definitely across the street when I heard them, but the man of the couple was saying to the lady,'you should come to our place tonight for dinner. We're having roast beef'. The roast beef part might not be true. But I liked that immensely. Going to fast food places all the time ruins that. Inviting someone into your house, where you have a meal for them? We are totally missing out guys.

It's pretty much an excuse. A great one. My friends never know what to do, and neither do I. I'm increasingly a fan of not doing anything, but just sitting and talking. Anywhere, about anything. It's okay. Eating a meal with someone is all of that. This is what the Russia lady from the small church on the small island was talking about. Jesus just wants to sit around with us at a table and eat with us. She mentioned a song called 'God and man at table are sat down'. She said almost no one had heard of that song, and they were too raspy to sing it, which is a shame. It's a good song. But maybe it's better they didn't. It's easy to ignore the words when you sing a song.

Carrotcake

I might be a gardener. I used to be. More, a weeder really. Those white ones that explode if you touch them. But now, someone bought me carrot seeds, as a joke. Trust me, it was funny. I sort of want to make them. They take 8 days to germinate and 70 days to mature. I leave for three weeks in 84 days. And know nothing about growing carrots. Learn by experience?

Someone told me to make sure this meant something.


I was thinking about how terrible it would be to be crucified. I don't think I fully understand, or I wouldn't be who I am now.

I don't feel like writing this.

I talked to the moon tonight. It didn't say anything, because it was really far away and didn't hear me. I heard people say that God is like that, or that they saw God like that. He's far away, can't hear me, probably doesn't even care. They said that Jesus changed all of that. Suddenly He is close and here and we can connect to God. That's sweet and all, but I don't feel very connected. I talked to the moon because it was the biggest, brightest, most beautiful thing I could see. I thought maybe that would make it easier to talk to God. But it's still really far away and doesn't hear me.

How does that work?

If God sent His son to save us, doing nothing wrong by the highest of standards, by dying the most lonely death, to be mocked and fully rejected by the people he loved, and giving everything there was to give, why is it He seems so far away?

It doesn't make sense. But even if I had the magic answer, it wouldn't change anything. I don't want the answers, or the questions.

I don't want to sound like a puppet.

Boxing is like Dancing

I want to write something to you. Desperately. But I don't know what to say. How can words change lives? How can my words change your life?

Recently, I left God alone, and in exchange, He wouldn't bug me. It was a pretty good deal. I could do what I wanted, and forget about what I should or shouldn't be doing. I didn't do anything bad, I just didn't really care for doing anything good really. I think I would still do good things apart from God. I can give to charity and hold doors open and talk to homeless people.

I realized how ridiculously selfish I am.

I decided around Monday that I would come back to God around Friday. Maybe that's giving me more control than I should have. Maybe it shouldn't have been put off. What's done is done. I could give you a bazillion reasons why I shouldn't really carry on. It's too hard, and really, I didn't sign up for this.

You can't define something by what it isn't. Maybe you can. But you shouldn't.


Why? If this can be answered, I'm set.

I asked a friend if he would come with me. I asked him sort of badly, so he might not have known what I meant. It had to be done though. I can't do it alone. For myself? Why would I go through so much work to get myself there? Really, I'm fine where I am. I can talk myself down. Maybe I think I don't deserve it? But when it's for someone else, it becomes more important. Well, I didn't really want to go, but I couldn't let him go alone. That sort of thing.

Blessed is he who overcomes.

Those aren't leaves.

They are going to break me without even trying.

We watched Across the universe last night. It was long and kind of plotless. I liked it. It made me think of how the things that matter hurt when they are taken away. I told my friend this, and he pretty much said 'duh Werner. Why did it take you a movie to see that?' It made me think about what would hurt me if it was taken away. I thought about it, and didn't come up with anything substantial. That made me sad, but only intellectually. I didn't really care.

We saw Parkland's musical play production of Grease tonight. It was terrific. It was a musical put on by a high school. I loved it. Right now, my face feel like it is covered in the makeup I would have worn, were I in it. I can smell it too. I went back after to say hey to everyone, and we got them to sign a poster, but I didn't know most of them anymore, and those I did know were too busy to talk. It kind of made sad. Not 'I should be sad so I'll say I am'. I used to be part of that family. As sad as it was too leave, it had to be done, only made better by the thought that I could come visit them again. Here I am, visiting them, but I'm not part of the family anymore, so, like, whatever. It's not the your-soul-is-being-ripped-out I was expecting. This mattered to me, at least a little bit.

You should read my thoughts. I thought out an excellent next paragraph, but wasn't typing. You would've laughed at the end. Truly spectacular. And you missed it. All because you can't read minds.

Snowflakes

I thought that I enjoyed being too cold more than being too hot. I figured I could remedy the chill better than I could chill the heat. But, I was walking home tonight, and I was cold. I'm dumb, and didn't wear enough. Do I really enjoy this? No, no I don't. Then I thought about why.

I'm sure most kids have their parents tell them to put on a jacket when they go outside and it isn't summer or night time. Why, child asks. So you don't catch a cold, parent replies. That scares me a bit. I don't like being sick. I don't want to let it stop me from doing anything, but I don't want to spread it around. And feeling bad, snot everywhere. Gross. If I'm cold outside, I could catch a cold! My lack of warmth could make me miserable in the near future.

That, and it's not very comfortable.

I would rather be gross and sweaty and smelling terrible in some shade on some scorchingly hot day, than risk my health being cold. But not in the sun. That's what gets me about being too hot. Sunburns. The sun destroys my skin. I'm fairly white and not at all tanned because of it. I don't tan. Just burn. And that's worse than the possibility of being sick. Definitely being in pain. The shoulders and back of neck. Up there for the worst things about summer. Mosquitoes are up there too. And I haven't even been to Ontario.

And sunscreen? Eww.

First is sunburns,
then colds,
then being sticky and sweaty and smelly.

It's too late

Small things seem so much bigger when they are all you know. I'm not a huge fan of decisions. Once I have made one, I'd rather I wasn't told that it wasn't actually an option.
If I'm going to write here, I should cut the vague crap. This was a bad idea.

Sometimes I think I'm on the right page, but nobody else is there. I could try to bring them there, but I'm not a great communicator. And, the right page is kind of scary, if I am right, and some wouldn't like it. How should I convince people to go to somewhere frightening when I can't lead them to entertaining things? And talk really isn't enough. Thoughts aren't enough. But they are all I have right now.

I wondered what people think a lot today. I worked and saw people come in, and saw what they did, how they acted, and could guess what they thought. Probably wrongly, but I think it's a step. Maybe. If someone could read my mind, I'd let them. They would end up hating me, or me hating them, but I think that would be okay. Would that really change anything? Yes. For the better, I would hope.

We read a chapter that said that following Jesus should be an adventure, but the church is more comparable to a 'how-to' video. Someone said that wasn't us. Surely it couldn't be our church. He is clearly writing to someone else. I think he was wrong though. My life doesn't look much like an adventure, and that's mostly my fault. I'm kind of lazy. My old Japanese teacher agrees.

Should 'why' come before going? What if we never get to the why, but we must go? What if that is somehow part of faith? But is doing what you are supposed to because that is what you are supposed to do right? I've had this question for a long time. If I weren't so lazy, I would dig around and tell you how long for.

I'm glad I don't write books. I don't have to make sense.