This is a Terrible post.

I think I need some new thoughts. No, that's not what I need. I need to get rid of old thoughts. Then the new ones will work better. Thoughts are what cause actions. Most times. So how you think directly impacts how you live. I've received and have been receiving potentially life changing thoughts for a while. I guess every thought is potentially life changing. But these new thoughts fade into to back. They aren't worse than the prominent thoughts that help me now, in fact, they are probably better. But they aren't used to living, and I'm not used to using them. It's a rut really. This is working alright, why change it? It might not work anymore if I do.

Computers make things happen. Events wouldn't take place as frequently. Always connected. Always with the ability to see who wants to do what where and when. This is the plus. The minus is that so much time is wasted by us ho sit here and ... Nothing. We take lots of things for granted. I think we would appreciate community so much more if we weren't always connected to one. I think it is almost time for another compy break. Full out. Nothing. No exceptions. That would be sweet, eh? That mean I'll be out of the loop, and unable to speak with some pretty groovy people. The loop runs in circles anyways, and it would be way sweeter to chill with my for off friends in person. Problems solved. Cool.


I found my Favourite place in the world. It is on Sidney Spit. I don't want to tell you where, because I want you to find it and make up your own mind on it without knowing that it is my favourite. What kind of complications could arise from this? You might think everywhere is my place, tainting everywhere you go. Okay. So you should go to Sidney Spit and search the island and remember the cool places. Then tell me what you thought of them, and I'll tell you where mine was, okay? Okay. I'll tell you something more in a couple months. If you have something important to tell me, you should phone me.

Cool

Camp was super. Mostly because of Marcel. He's my hero. Let me tell you why. Sometimes, you're going through life, and you realize you aren't doing what you really want to be doing. Well, if what you want to be doing is to be living your life for God, you complain that it is hard because there is no example. He is an example. The coach of the Redskins is a bit of a jerk, but we love him. He plays excessively rough in sports. We played hockey against Marcel's team, and our coach was on my hero. Coach kept hitting hero, and hero just kind of danced away smiling. He was just as into it, but he didn't get angry at all.

You listen more to a speaker when you know that they follow what they are telling you. So, if you want a quick overview, Marcel preached...more like spoke with us, in P's. Precious, Prayer, Partnership, Poison, Pain, Paradise, Personal Contentment, and Potential. Each is a services worth, and when put together, you almost half a blueprint for a life you aren't living, but want to. At camp, I really wanted it to happen. Instant change. Knowing it wouldn't though, not there and even less likely here at home, I decided to cling to some small things. God loves you. Yeah, everyone has heard that. Well, not everyone, or we wouldn't be here. But do you know what that really means? I don't think you do. I don't think I do.

I read Matthew while I was up there. It was probably the most intense reading of Matthew I have ever had. Jesus is amazingly harsh. This is the line, and if you aren't over it, you die. Yeah, of course. We know that. If you said that in this age, people would ignore you. Or be offended, and you'd be in jail. But he has this line he tells his disciples about, and then sees the people and his heart breaks. God loves people. All miracles done in the Bible are done out of love.

Then people are the most important thing on the face of the Earth.
If anything you have is more important than the people around you, like your friends, or that stranger, or that homeless guy down the street, give it away. Let it go.

Live to give. Buy friends. The thought of heaven compels you. Love people.

But I don't have anything to give. I don't have a job. To be honest, I haven't done anything important in the last two days, or anything at all. On this day, day 3 of the nothing, I was doing nothing when I had a thought. I need to do some God stuff. There is world stuff. I do that sometimes. But I'm not doing anything right now. I'd rather do some God stuff. What is that? I don't know.

I want to live to give. I want to love people. I don't know how. Marcel does, but I really don't know him. I should move in with him. Eventually. But how do I move towards God now?

The Price of Convenience

As summer progresses, so does summer fun. It is easy to become wrapped up in it. Fun with your friends everyday. Yes. What could possibly be better? It is good, no doubt. Something is left behind. I'm having fun, fully knowing God is missing out, because I'm not bringing him. He is the uninvited guest. I'm thinking I might actually be the one missing out. He has so much for us, just waiting. Waiting for us to say you can give me everything you have for me. I love you, finally, like I should, and the world doesn't matter. Well, I don't know how to love Him like that, but the thought counts. If you are trying, he sees that. I tried to play the of hackysack for years. Or at least a long time. I'm still not good at it, but since I have kept trying, I have gotten slightly better. If I didn't try, I would suck even more at it than I do now.

I'm not trying to love God crazily though. I'm content in the worst way. I like it here, and my conservation of energy likes to put forth the least effort possible to makes things better if they are already good. A long time ago, a saying came forth, and was somewhat forgotten. It was If problems are happening, you are doing something right. I am playing soccer. I want the ball. I will do whatever I can to stop the other team from getting the ball. From scoring. If they aren't doing anything, why attack them? I would attack the ones who are trying to score. Who are doing what they are supposed to. So then, If I were furthering God's kingdom, and acting as a child of God should, I would be the one big baddie #1 would try to take out. Distract. Lead astray. That would be better, because if I were doing what I was supposed to, that would help other people. They would follow. If I started falling, they might follow me there too.

What would Jesus do seems like a ridiculous saying. I was walking home, thinking about how to come back to where I should be. Well, maybe I could just apply this saying in all situations. But Jesus did some things that would be looked badly on if I followed that. Turning water into wine. He is at a big wedding. They ran out of wine. He made more. And he didn't drink any? That is silly. He hung out with prostitutes. He hung out with the 'bad crowd'. Sure, I guess we are called to do what Jesus did. However, I don't think the what matters as much as the why. Why would Jesus do it? Because the people who should have been weren't. So, who won't the church reach out to? That question might require digging. We've become a tolerant society. Tolerant of everything. I disagree with that idea, or at least the running definition of tolerant. The church won't necessarily spill all their secrets out whenever someone asks. What kind of secrets would those be? It seems like it was more doable back then. There was a plan. Retrospect is 20/20. There is a plan?

Censorship is a funny thing too. Jesus did some shady stuff, if you didn't know his motives. But, you can't go telling kids that Jesus did all that stuff, can you? Should He be painted all soft and sanitized? Maybe we teach kids incorrectly. But, they shouldn't be exposed to everything while young. They are just kids. They are just citizens. They wouldn't understand the problems that come up. Why this needs to happen. Why it had to be the way it did. Some things are better left untouched. But why? What if we tried to run something with no censorship? And then, what is the difference between that and privacy?

I'm thinking I'm probably not a very good leader right now. I shouldn't be leading a spy cell. You are supposed to lead them to God, and you can't lead them somewhere that you aren't going. I want to, but . I haven't been able to lead worship for a while. It is probably just circumstantial, however, I might attribute that to my current state. Recently, the youth group went to the Mustard Seed to help them out. They are a group that helps the homeless in Victoria. A verse was read. 'For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you? The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' Well, I sort of ignored them in general. I ignored the least of them, so then I am ignoring God? Is that how it works?

What are leaders though? I guess they are supposed to be perfect role models, ideally. But I'm not. Maybe I don't need to be though. Maybe I can just let them walk with me. Accountability. Change starts with individuals. We can walk together, loving God more and more.

We can try again. Start clean and refreshed. It doesn't have to be the same. We've been washed, right? Good old Christianese. But we are new. Different.

Functional

Getting thoughts out of your head helps you put things together. Set things straight. Writing them down especially. Figure out if anything is wrong. I think something is wrong. Not obviously. More like the milk has gone rotten. Cannot tell until you open it up.

Life is good. It's summer. I'm done school. I'm working on getting a job. I go to Nanoose in a couple weeks. My nerd games are jacked up and good to go. Everything is good. Quiet. Like toddlers in the other room. When they are quiet, something is wrong. I don't know. I almost want something to be wrong. Quiet gets boring really fast. I lost focus again. When that happens, I empty. Well, yeah. I don't really have many real goals. Goals are essential to productivity. Goal: stay tight with God. Goal: Get a job. Goal: figure out what is next. I think those are most of my goals for now. The last one isn't coming. Not for a while. The second one might be complete soon. I can then check it off and feel grand. But the first one. I've been ignoring the first one. I've been having fun, doing stuff. But sometimes fun isn't so fun.

My little sister would go over to friends places, and went she came back, we would ask her if she had fun, and she would say no. I thought it was silly. Of course you were having fun. While you were there, would you say you weren't having fun? While it is happening, you think you are having fun. Why does your opinion change after?

I was cleaning up my computer a few days ago, and I found what I ended up calling a preblog. They were dated entries into a notepad. Back when I was in grade ten. It reminded me of my brother, because it read like he writes. I don't like how he writes. I try to separate myself from my siblings. You might say that is silly and I clearly don't know how family works. You would probably be right. My mom says they look up to me though. I don't know why really. I'm not someone you would want to emulate. That is what you want to happen when you look up to someone right? Right now I'm empty and lost and not entirely sure of how to fix it.

I don't really like it when people complain about things being hard when it only takes a little planning. Something small. I can't complain then. Throw a bit of time management in there, and it will run a little smoother. It's summer time. Time to switch it up.

The delicious foam on top of a disgusting glass of brown liquid

I've thought colour quite a bit, as perhaps is evident. Probably not. But I starting wondering, is it just a human thing? Dogs are colour blind. Snakes have heat sensory. Bats and other various animals have ultrasound. I think bulls are colour blind too. The movement of the cape if what makes them charge. Bugs...I don't even know. I think they function largely by touch. How many animals really need to see colour? Do we need to? Maybe I'm all wrong. Maybe animals see as much as we do. But, if they didn't, doesn't that make you feel amazing? You were given the gift of colour. Don't feel amazing yet though. It might all be bunk.

I was at spy cell, because it is Wednesday. It won't be called a 'spy' cell for much longer. Youth is being revamped. Moving downstairs, with new floor, new name, new people. But this was seen coming, back when we were getting a new youth pastor. I wonder how many things you can predict will happen, just by knowing how things work. That's why old people seem so smart. And stubborn. Jerks. Anyway, we were praying at the end, and it was great. I like praying. You might not be able to tell by looking at my life. Like how I like food, and know I need it, but I just don't really get around to eating it. If I don't fix that one soon, I might die.

At this spy cell, I did little to lead it. I really should do more. A long time ago, a cool guy named Rob told me that he managed to label what kind of leader I am. I know labels are 'bad' but I like them. It's like a personality test. It says a little about who you are. He said I was more an influential leader. It might be true. I don't think I'd follow me though. I don't think I know where I'm going. I'm terrible with decisions. Now that my life is off the railroad tracks that had been set in place from birth till now, I don't know what's next. I guess I never did, and was okay with that. That next is very quickly approaching the now, and I'd rather know what I'm doing.

I was praying. I was praying for a girl who was having trouble at home. Is having trouble at home. I wanted it to be better. I want to be the person who can help when people come forward with crap in their life. Railroad track. Anything off the track, I'm useless. Maybe a good distraction. A bandaid. Nothing truly useful. As I was praying, I thought wouldn't it be amazing if you lived like this? Right now, I want God to be all he can. I want his way to happen. To be. Why can't I always live like this? Right now, God is the most important. People have told me thats a goal, because if God is first, you are his, and pretty much able to do impossible things. Like find needles in haystacks. So, if I pray all the time...

If matched with a previous parallel, the conclusion would result in my obesity. Ha ha. I'm so funny. I don't like where I'm going right now. I'm not going anywhere. I will get on that. I've said that too much, recently.

Friends

I was watching a movie some months ago. It was black and white. Kind of slow too, but I like black and white movies. That's what we started with, and I see those old movies as the foundation for what we have now. We had a good foundation. Better than now, even. This movie was about a family, the daughter especially. The family was kind of poor, but the girl was becoming close with a pretty wealthy guy. Sappy love movies. But it was in black and white, so I didn't really care. The rich guy was coming over for dinner. The family wanted everything to be perfect. And they tried, but they failed too. It's so embarrassing. I stopped watching.

In Japanese, on the last day, we watched some of a movie called Totoro. Totoro is this giant rabbit bird type thing. It's a spirit or something. Once again, the stars are a family, two daughters and a dad. Mother is in the hospital. They just moved to a new house. The movie is ridiculously happy. The younger daughter finds a giant totoro and falls asleep on him. When she wakes up, he is gone. She tries to prove it with all the determination that a child can muster. She searches everywhere, but he's gone. She can't show him to dad and sister. I also found this quite sad. Inadequate.

What is a friend? A friend is...this is almost like some lame essay they would make you write in grade four. Well, one more can't hurt, right? A friend is loyal. A friend is nice. A friend makes you laugh. And friend helps you when you need it. You can trust your friends with anything. You don't have to be scared when your friends are around. Maybe a grade two essay. I might pass grade two. Friends were this, or should have been, way back then. What are they now? Is it different? More? I don't really know.

I met my best friend when I was five. Peace Lutheran Church was holding a vacation bible school. He was there. He spoke of some cool games he had, so I went to his place, and we played nerd games. We were five. And we were friends. Over video games. How silly. Our moms became friends. We kept hanging out. Heroes of Might & Magic. ABBA. Grade four, he was dubbed pickle boy, because he said 'pickle' a lot. An, you know how in elementary school, some friends are pretty much always together? Him and I. Hero and sidekick. I was the sidekick. That was okay. Because he was dubbed pickle boy, I was pickle woman for being the sidekick. That's probably the most bullying like thing that happened to me in elementary school. It was okay. It didn't really matter. Middle school. Stuff changed over these three years. He messed his back up. He stayed at home a lot more. I would still go over lots though. We just weren't as tight. Other kids were his friends too, so they would go there lots. That was okay. He became antisocial to some degree. Anxiety disorder and such. Panic attacks. I didn't understand. I couldn't help. He wanted to be alone, so I left him alone.

But it started over video games anyway. Maybe it wasn't important. He is really cool. Pretty much the coolest guy I know. But he doesn't like crowds. And is busy. It's hard to stay connected. He got through the worst part. He is one of the only people I can remember the first time I met him. How we became friends. Most of the others just faded in. Most of the friends I have currently, I can tell stories, but I don't know where it started.

The point of that history was to help figure out what a friend is. I don't think I'm a good friend. I'm a jerk. A friend should be someone people can come to with their crap, and be helped through. I don't have people doing that, and if they did, I wouldn't know what to do. I haven't been most of the places they would tell me about. Maybe that's what a mentor is for. A solution generator. Except, more than that.

A friend should be someone who you would be willing to go anywhere with, talk to about anything, and go through anything with. Someone who is with you.

Uh oh. If that's the definition of a friend, I don't have any right now. Oh dear. A friend is then, someone who has been with you? Not all people you are with are friends. Not really. What is the difference between acquaintances and friends?

I like my friends. I think I'm lucky to have them. I've thought that there was more somewhere though. A friend who would know you thoroughly, through and through, maybe even better than you know yourself. Maybe that is something above the category of 'friend'. I don't know. I like what I have. Hopefully it will become less and less superficial over time. I don't think it is very much like that now. But maybe it could be less? I don't think I'm making sense anymore.

It's summertime though, so we can try talking about this on some sunny day in Sidney. Grab some ice cream. I love the summertime.

Spelling Errors for Everyone.

Let.

In tennis or badminton, a let is when the ball or birdie hits the nets or something, and then lands in the proper place in the opponents court. It's pretty much a redo.

Let.

To allow. To admit into. It's almost like a passive action. Letting something happen doesn't involve you not doing anything, but it isn't active. It is stepping back. Duh. What is this guy talking about? I'm not going to tell you. When you read literature, you think 'why didn't they just say what they meant?' Well, if they did, how long would you pay attention? If it is easy to grasp, you skim it over. Everybody wants attention. If they said everything like everyone else, nobody would know them, because they would just blend into everybody by being like them. Nothing stands out.

Some people are scared of standing out. That's okay. People are different. Most of them don't make sense. So, why not confuse them? Haha. To be honest, those scared to stand out would probably be the most amazing if they did. I know some amazing people, but they don't know they are amazing. I could tell them, but my words have lost their impact. So many of them fly out, with so little impact, people stop listening. I tell them to. And then I'm sad when they don't hear me. I'm one of those people who really don't make sense.

I'm on a journey. I don't know where I'll end up. Right now I'm here. Where is here? Well, I'm glad you asked. Here is where you learn to be passively active. You step back without tuning it out.

Some friends of mine have a saying. Let life happen. They made it a group on facebook. Stupid facebook. It's pretty much their party group. Their parties are nothing like mine. They have what a bunch of people this age get into. They got drugs and crap. They let life happen. They have fun.

I read an artical yesterday about the XXXchurch. It's an organization that reaches out to people through porn. Sort of. They aren't concerned with crashing the expanding industry, but reaching the people. I thought that was cool. I never got into that stuff. I looked into it once, but I went to the wrong places, or right places, depends how you look at it. It was pretty gross. So I never went into that crap again. And that was that.

Let life happen. Let life happen. Let life happen. That's easy. What do you have to do to let life happen? Just sit back and enjoy it. It is natural. The wisdom of the world is foolishness. Do the unnatural? How do you let God happen? That's where here is. God is here beside me for this wall. This wall that I'm holding up. 'Don't hold me up now'. How do you let go? I can't right now. This next week everything happens. Essay, mocks, presentation, graduation, competition. There is some much. Let go? Can I? There was a guy once, who is dead now, but he prayed every morning for four hours or something. And he said that on busy days, he prayed for five hours, because he would need God to be there even more.

Even God's foolishness is wiser than man's greatest wisdom.

That's scary. It is running without looking where you are going. Or even knowing.

What's the worst that could happen?

Let go.