The delicious foam on top of a disgusting glass of brown liquid

I've thought colour quite a bit, as perhaps is evident. Probably not. But I starting wondering, is it just a human thing? Dogs are colour blind. Snakes have heat sensory. Bats and other various animals have ultrasound. I think bulls are colour blind too. The movement of the cape if what makes them charge. Bugs...I don't even know. I think they function largely by touch. How many animals really need to see colour? Do we need to? Maybe I'm all wrong. Maybe animals see as much as we do. But, if they didn't, doesn't that make you feel amazing? You were given the gift of colour. Don't feel amazing yet though. It might all be bunk.

I was at spy cell, because it is Wednesday. It won't be called a 'spy' cell for much longer. Youth is being revamped. Moving downstairs, with new floor, new name, new people. But this was seen coming, back when we were getting a new youth pastor. I wonder how many things you can predict will happen, just by knowing how things work. That's why old people seem so smart. And stubborn. Jerks. Anyway, we were praying at the end, and it was great. I like praying. You might not be able to tell by looking at my life. Like how I like food, and know I need it, but I just don't really get around to eating it. If I don't fix that one soon, I might die.

At this spy cell, I did little to lead it. I really should do more. A long time ago, a cool guy named Rob told me that he managed to label what kind of leader I am. I know labels are 'bad' but I like them. It's like a personality test. It says a little about who you are. He said I was more an influential leader. It might be true. I don't think I'd follow me though. I don't think I know where I'm going. I'm terrible with decisions. Now that my life is off the railroad tracks that had been set in place from birth till now, I don't know what's next. I guess I never did, and was okay with that. That next is very quickly approaching the now, and I'd rather know what I'm doing.

I was praying. I was praying for a girl who was having trouble at home. Is having trouble at home. I wanted it to be better. I want to be the person who can help when people come forward with crap in their life. Railroad track. Anything off the track, I'm useless. Maybe a good distraction. A bandaid. Nothing truly useful. As I was praying, I thought wouldn't it be amazing if you lived like this? Right now, I want God to be all he can. I want his way to happen. To be. Why can't I always live like this? Right now, God is the most important. People have told me thats a goal, because if God is first, you are his, and pretty much able to do impossible things. Like find needles in haystacks. So, if I pray all the time...

If matched with a previous parallel, the conclusion would result in my obesity. Ha ha. I'm so funny. I don't like where I'm going right now. I'm not going anywhere. I will get on that. I've said that too much, recently.

Friends

I was watching a movie some months ago. It was black and white. Kind of slow too, but I like black and white movies. That's what we started with, and I see those old movies as the foundation for what we have now. We had a good foundation. Better than now, even. This movie was about a family, the daughter especially. The family was kind of poor, but the girl was becoming close with a pretty wealthy guy. Sappy love movies. But it was in black and white, so I didn't really care. The rich guy was coming over for dinner. The family wanted everything to be perfect. And they tried, but they failed too. It's so embarrassing. I stopped watching.

In Japanese, on the last day, we watched some of a movie called Totoro. Totoro is this giant rabbit bird type thing. It's a spirit or something. Once again, the stars are a family, two daughters and a dad. Mother is in the hospital. They just moved to a new house. The movie is ridiculously happy. The younger daughter finds a giant totoro and falls asleep on him. When she wakes up, he is gone. She tries to prove it with all the determination that a child can muster. She searches everywhere, but he's gone. She can't show him to dad and sister. I also found this quite sad. Inadequate.

What is a friend? A friend is...this is almost like some lame essay they would make you write in grade four. Well, one more can't hurt, right? A friend is loyal. A friend is nice. A friend makes you laugh. And friend helps you when you need it. You can trust your friends with anything. You don't have to be scared when your friends are around. Maybe a grade two essay. I might pass grade two. Friends were this, or should have been, way back then. What are they now? Is it different? More? I don't really know.

I met my best friend when I was five. Peace Lutheran Church was holding a vacation bible school. He was there. He spoke of some cool games he had, so I went to his place, and we played nerd games. We were five. And we were friends. Over video games. How silly. Our moms became friends. We kept hanging out. Heroes of Might & Magic. ABBA. Grade four, he was dubbed pickle boy, because he said 'pickle' a lot. An, you know how in elementary school, some friends are pretty much always together? Him and I. Hero and sidekick. I was the sidekick. That was okay. Because he was dubbed pickle boy, I was pickle woman for being the sidekick. That's probably the most bullying like thing that happened to me in elementary school. It was okay. It didn't really matter. Middle school. Stuff changed over these three years. He messed his back up. He stayed at home a lot more. I would still go over lots though. We just weren't as tight. Other kids were his friends too, so they would go there lots. That was okay. He became antisocial to some degree. Anxiety disorder and such. Panic attacks. I didn't understand. I couldn't help. He wanted to be alone, so I left him alone.

But it started over video games anyway. Maybe it wasn't important. He is really cool. Pretty much the coolest guy I know. But he doesn't like crowds. And is busy. It's hard to stay connected. He got through the worst part. He is one of the only people I can remember the first time I met him. How we became friends. Most of the others just faded in. Most of the friends I have currently, I can tell stories, but I don't know where it started.

The point of that history was to help figure out what a friend is. I don't think I'm a good friend. I'm a jerk. A friend should be someone people can come to with their crap, and be helped through. I don't have people doing that, and if they did, I wouldn't know what to do. I haven't been most of the places they would tell me about. Maybe that's what a mentor is for. A solution generator. Except, more than that.

A friend should be someone who you would be willing to go anywhere with, talk to about anything, and go through anything with. Someone who is with you.

Uh oh. If that's the definition of a friend, I don't have any right now. Oh dear. A friend is then, someone who has been with you? Not all people you are with are friends. Not really. What is the difference between acquaintances and friends?

I like my friends. I think I'm lucky to have them. I've thought that there was more somewhere though. A friend who would know you thoroughly, through and through, maybe even better than you know yourself. Maybe that is something above the category of 'friend'. I don't know. I like what I have. Hopefully it will become less and less superficial over time. I don't think it is very much like that now. But maybe it could be less? I don't think I'm making sense anymore.

It's summertime though, so we can try talking about this on some sunny day in Sidney. Grab some ice cream. I love the summertime.

Spelling Errors for Everyone.

Let.

In tennis or badminton, a let is when the ball or birdie hits the nets or something, and then lands in the proper place in the opponents court. It's pretty much a redo.

Let.

To allow. To admit into. It's almost like a passive action. Letting something happen doesn't involve you not doing anything, but it isn't active. It is stepping back. Duh. What is this guy talking about? I'm not going to tell you. When you read literature, you think 'why didn't they just say what they meant?' Well, if they did, how long would you pay attention? If it is easy to grasp, you skim it over. Everybody wants attention. If they said everything like everyone else, nobody would know them, because they would just blend into everybody by being like them. Nothing stands out.

Some people are scared of standing out. That's okay. People are different. Most of them don't make sense. So, why not confuse them? Haha. To be honest, those scared to stand out would probably be the most amazing if they did. I know some amazing people, but they don't know they are amazing. I could tell them, but my words have lost their impact. So many of them fly out, with so little impact, people stop listening. I tell them to. And then I'm sad when they don't hear me. I'm one of those people who really don't make sense.

I'm on a journey. I don't know where I'll end up. Right now I'm here. Where is here? Well, I'm glad you asked. Here is where you learn to be passively active. You step back without tuning it out.

Some friends of mine have a saying. Let life happen. They made it a group on facebook. Stupid facebook. It's pretty much their party group. Their parties are nothing like mine. They have what a bunch of people this age get into. They got drugs and crap. They let life happen. They have fun.

I read an artical yesterday about the XXXchurch. It's an organization that reaches out to people through porn. Sort of. They aren't concerned with crashing the expanding industry, but reaching the people. I thought that was cool. I never got into that stuff. I looked into it once, but I went to the wrong places, or right places, depends how you look at it. It was pretty gross. So I never went into that crap again. And that was that.

Let life happen. Let life happen. Let life happen. That's easy. What do you have to do to let life happen? Just sit back and enjoy it. It is natural. The wisdom of the world is foolishness. Do the unnatural? How do you let God happen? That's where here is. God is here beside me for this wall. This wall that I'm holding up. 'Don't hold me up now'. How do you let go? I can't right now. This next week everything happens. Essay, mocks, presentation, graduation, competition. There is some much. Let go? Can I? There was a guy once, who is dead now, but he prayed every morning for four hours or something. And he said that on busy days, he prayed for five hours, because he would need God to be there even more.

Even God's foolishness is wiser than man's greatest wisdom.

That's scary. It is running without looking where you are going. Or even knowing.

What's the worst that could happen?

Let go.

Colour

I don't like raw apples a lot. They make you hungry. Especially when you were already hungry to begin with. Hosed. Gum too. I'll chew it if someone gives it to me, but more often just because I forgot that it makes you hungry. Food is ill distributed. We should do something about that. Okay? Okay.

Literature is a minefield of death. The last stressful part of school. And only because I'm lazy. Stupid. I should be making it work right now. I shouldn't sleep tonight. I will. But in all reality, I have much to do. I won't. Byron had a pretty intense line...

'They vow to amend their lives, and yet they don't;
Because if drown'd, they can't -- if spared, they won't.'
-Lord Byron, Don Juan.

Do you feel cultured? I like him and what he writes. I really do. Now, write a million page essay on it and present it to a class. Do you still like it? Nope. I don't want to not like it. It's unfortunate, because the price for keeping my like of him requires a 10% sacrifice. Not that I could get that if I tried. I don't know if I can try anymore. I write essays I like, but they come back and were reviewed terribly. But we mustn't base our success on the opinions of a few critic judges. And I began thinking I could write a book. Ha.

What am I doing? Oh dear. Maybe I'm overloading and I don't know it. Shut down sequence initiated. It's not shutting down. Maybe if it were. Maybe. Would it help? Reboot.

The University of Colour. At this place of higher education, you will be enlightened on every colour. They have classes dedicated to them. The orange course. The green course. The blue course. You will learn the history, what it is, where it is used and why, what effect it produces on people when they see it as well as when they wear it.What connotations are attached to the colours. Symbols they might represent. Literary effect. Artistic effect. We would show you how to make people feel happy or sad or excited when they saw your art. We will teach you how the world works through colour. Do you know how many animals are colour blind? Don't you think there might be a reason for that? Colour is mostly ours, and thus we should know the effects it has on us. People who have never seen colours before. Does what colour they wear matter? If we told them what colour it was, would it change anything?

Music. It is said that the kind of music played can help or mess with how a plant grows. Plants don't know words. Can they? They can detect vibrations. Otherwise, how could music have any effect on them? Do the words matter in the music we listen to? I've heard they do. What if you listened to some crazy foreign music? You don't know what it's saying. The type of music would still affect us. It affects plants, right? Sex, drugs and rock and roll. Those are the bad things right? Maybe? What's wrong? Excess is bad. Right? We have an excess of food. They should stop swearing.

Thinking and doing aren't very far apart. Of course, if it is something good and wholesome, it's a many day journey from the thought to the action. If it isn't though. Bam. You obsess over it, to the point of consuming your thoughts. That's why every thought is supposed to be captive to God. Better to be a Hollow Man than an evil man. Or is it? T. S. Eliot wrote the poem called Hollow men. They were men who couldn't act. Something got lost. They were hollow inside. They were filled with straw. They are terrible things masquerading as men. Sitting on the fence is worse than picking the wrong side, right? Right?

Intentions are thoughts. I've had many intentions. Where are they now? I think I surrendered to the wrong thing. We should start over again. That would be cool. No preset ruts. Nothing in the way. I'll go with you, knowing nothing else, and everything will be alright. Better than knowing you are there, and that I should be, and that I'm not and won't be for a while. You said we can start over with you, but it is hardly a new start if it's in the same life. It retreats to what it used to be. It squirms like a slug on salt. The slug dies. So do we. The slug crawls out of it's skin to escape. It hurts. Disaster would be the salt I suppose. It has to hurt pretty bad to kill yourself to get away. This is what you have. This leads to burning. I have another way, but you have to die to what will burn. I don't understand. I can't die while I continue to live. What do I do?

What would Jesus do? Oh yeah. Thanks. That's helpful. Jesus let himself die.

Is that it? I have some friends who have a saying 'Let life happen'. They like to party. They like to let life happen. Maybe the key is just to let go and let yourself die? You can't allow yourself to die. It isn't natural. What we live now isn't natural.

Okay, but last time I came to the conclusion that it wasn't my job, I stopped thinking about it all completely. It isn't my job, right? I can wait over here like over there. What's the difference?

Step back and see the big picture. See the colours. We can help you see what it means. Perspective, my friend. The way out of the maze isn't the most visible from inside the maze.

Fast Forward

Hmm...What if you were so unlikeable that only your close friends were your friends. That would be intense. You wouldn't have any of those flaky friends. But, it's who you know, not what you know. You're hosed in that aspect of the world.

Friend circles are weird. You know that they are. But you can't just jump in. It would be like diving into a crowd, and they don't catch you. Awkward and stupid. You could try to work your way in I guess. That would take a long time. I might not have that long. Maybe I should just forget it. I should.

Living in fast forward. Zip zoom. No time for thoughts. Go go go. So much energy. Wee. I don't think I want to live in fast forward. I don't have real hobbies I guess. What do I do when I'm alone? Try to connect with other people through something. My attempts are futile though. In the time it's take to write this, two people came asking for my siblings. I might always have to be the one who makes stuff happen. Well, why don't you just not make stuff happen? They will miss you eventually. Nope. I tried. I end up staying at home. For a long time. How sad.

This is an emergency. There are tears from the saints for the lost and unsaved. We are crying for them come back home. All of your children will stretch out their hands and pick up the crippled man. Father we will lead them home.

Perspective is so amazing. Ours is messed up. We see what they want us to see, and do what they want us to do. It's worth it to get away. I'm just another pawn adding to the destruction. Reprioritize. Pawn forward.

Checkmate.

We need something new and different, where we can all start at the same level. All start fair. I didn't like the fair. It was sunny and crowded. And always with the family. Family outings don't jive well with me. They generally don't go well. I'd rather avoid them.

Go betweens. It isn't fun to be one. But it gives you something to do, I else. So much wasted time....

If you think about what could happen but probably won't, does that make you a visionary?