We were at Jon's place, playing with his wii. That's what all the cool kids are doing. We were playing tennis and such. So I thought 'Hey, he is kicking us out soon. I should go home and play tennis on my wii and become pro.' You know, everyone wants to be pro. It's a nice 'feel good'. I was already a pro bowler. Tennis won't be too hard. So I got home, and forgot about it.
I remembered a lot later. Well, okay, I can do that. My brother can help me. That's a great idea. Get some bonding in there. Sweet. But then we started playing, and I remembered he was terrible. Oh dear. When you end up losing, and it seems to be someone elses fault, You don't like them anymore. But we kept playing, and he kept getting better. Probably even better than me. So we kept playing. There wasn't really anything else to do, although that is a terrible reason to do something. And we were winning. It was close, but we were winning. And it stopped giving me points. If you don't get points, you can't become pro. So, like, what the deuce. He is still getting points. I'll play without him. So I did. I won a game. Yay. And then I Lost 5, and a bunch of points. Sweet.... Stupid game.
I shouldn't have been playing it anyways really.
There are so many other, better things to do even right now.
Prioritize better you.
Community is seemingly quite important. And I'm finding I can't do it. I don't like I really like a lot of people. Maybe that's because I'm a jerk. But I can't stand them. It should not be like this. It can't be like this. On Friday I wrote some crap in a book that replaces this, only better. What I wrote ended saying that it was all about community. It's not just you should not do this alone. You can't. Cannot. It's impossible. So, yeah, you have to drag others in. Not everybody. But someone. That will help.
It's hard to let people in when you don't like them.
I think there is a problem between me and happiness too. Yeah, bonus eh? Life goes on. I want to know why though. Where the deuce did this problem come from? How long? In acting, we tried to do this thing, emotional recall or something like that. Some actors think' I'll be playing a cop in this movie, I better go be a cop for a month to what it's like', but really, If you know what the character is feeling, wouldn't it be more real to portray the emotions than the actions? The point was to be, We've had emotions before. We've been happy. We've been sad. Etc etc. So, if we have to act happy or sad, we can remember a time when we were that emotion, and be it again through the memory.
So we had partners and a choice of nervous or happy. I chose happy, but then thinking back...The times were good. I liked them. They were fun. I like to have fun. But does having fun really make you happy? Is that how it is defined? 'Fun things make you happy'. Is that is? Maybe I'm all wrong, and I'm missing something else. What feels like a long time ago, I think I was a kid, I remember seeing or maybe it was even just thinking about a birthday party like atmosphere, and people were playing and having fun and being happy. And I thought it looked silly. I thought 'I don't wanna look silly. I better not be like that.' And that was that.
Josh asked me when I was invented. I didn't answer his question. I told him I was being reinvented. He said he always thought my face needed some work. I said I liked my face. He asked if I had proof. I said yup. I didn't know how to prove that I liked my face, but I didn't need to. He said darn.
Historymaker happened one week ago. I'm not going to talk about it. I'm going to talk about what it means now. I found walls. I was sad. I can't break these walls. How can I get to God? Then, God said You don't need to break them. I'm right here. I thought that was pretty sweet. Then what does this mean? I should get to know you more man. You are pretty much the most amazing thing ever. Hmm...How do you get to know someone? You just be with them. You just be together. Talk. Breathe. Live. Be. Okay. I can do that.
But...What do I have to talk to him about? I...nothing. I can send him requests. I'm sure he would LOVE my to do list, but that doesn't help me know him. Anguish. Still we will worship you. What's the order this should work in? What level Christian am I? What's the next step? I shouldn't think that. There are no steps, levels, checklists, or anything of that sort that helps you to get to know God better.
What do I talk with my friends about then? I know them, right? But, hey you, you are beginning to realize you don't like people. Oh dear.
Well, I like people. Just not all the time. Or all people. But the connection I have with most of my friends probably isn't good enough to have between God and I. I'm lucky I can even have this kind of connection. We all are. The least I could do is to give Him my best.
I don't know what that looks like. It's hard to be really tight with friends when they keep talking about your Mom. Or dirty jokes. Eww. Maybe I should start over. Move away. Run away. So the problems could follow.
No.
They should end here, but how? How? I don't know. And maybe you can't help me. I'm ignoring you anyway.
Sort of.
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