I'd like to think I have a decent memory. But what is the point? You can't go back really, and God sort of as his own plans that always blow away everything that was. I like how things were. Turn back the clock. But it only goes forwards, into the unknown...
Sometimes, I have this feeling in my chest. I can't describe it well, as you shouldn't ask me to, as guys are bad at talking about their feelings, right? I've always attributed it to being God. On occasion I wonder if maybe there is just something dreadfully wrong in my chest, and this feeling is the only sign of it, and I decided it was God instead of this terrible thing that will kill me. But then I figure, it should hurt if there was something wrong. So I continue to think this feeling is God. I thought at one point it might have been from singing during worship, and it just did something weird to my lungs. Or my left lung. Maybe it's all psychological. Whatever it is, I've been feeling it a lot more recently.
Transparent is something worth being I hear, at least with who I like to be with. I'm bad at it though, like with conversations in general. I don't really give straight answers. This annoys some people. As it should. But they will have to wait until I talk about what I think and feel and believe, here. And then they have to find it.
I went to a retreat. A man said some things. He said we should live in freedom. He said freedom was the ability and power to choose to do what is right. He said miracles will happen when we obey God, and listen to Him, and are willing to work hard with Him. This was intriguing. I'd like to see miracles today. Why? Well, probably the wrong reasons. Which is why they might not happen for a while. After this retreat, I was convinced that Subway was a cage, hindering my freedom. You all know what I think of that place.
I walked and listened and prayed for a while. I decided I should quit and go work with my Dad. My friend suggested this. I asked my Dad and he said sure. The benefits would be outstanding. I would learn how to make houses, how to drive potentially, have better hours maybe, get to know my Dad. Later that night, my parents decided to say I should try somewhere else. That I should talk to this guy who works at the Mary Winspear center. It's a place were they have art shows and gun shows and musicals and plays and host some retreats. It has a tower outside of it that has lights on it that you can see from the top of Horth Hill. The guy who works there works with lights. I said, okay. I was saddened. My Father didn't want me to work with him. I convinced myself that it would still be good.
Subway had taught me to ask what should I be doing. Cause really, I have no clue. I thought maybe that was all it had to teach me. I was ready to move on. The guy would teach me how to work the lights. If I knew how to work these, maybe that would help with the youth group one day. And that guy is supposed to install the sound for the church upstairs so we can move that stuff downstairs. I saw that guy today. I was working. I couldn't really talk, because there was a rush. For a long time. He was with my friend, Kyle. That makes me happy. Kyle was always good with that stuff. Does he need me anymore then? There would be no point in quitting unless I had another job lined up. Otherwise I would go back to doing nothing, and I read in the Bible that idleness is bad. 'If a man doesn't work, he shouldn't eat', or something like that.
While at work, I asked them for a couple days off. And they reworked the schedule to make it work. They have so few people. The owner asked me about five times if I had any friends I could bring in. Now, if I left them after so short a time, I would feel bad. Maybe it isn't so bad.
I went to one of the church's cell groups tonight. It is the church's, so there are older people there. People I don't really relate to. But they try, and that's important. I zone out when they talk. I feel kind of bad. They were talking about money and sacrificial giving though. If I gave all the money I made to the church, I would have sacrificed nothing, because I live at home with my Mommy and my Daddy, and I can ask them to buy me what I want every once in a while. Maria asked me what I thought and I told her this. She said the motive was more important. I'm bad with motives though.
On Monday, Bryden said that he thought he read a verse that said whoever mediated on God's words in the morning and at night would be successful in whatever they do. He thought he read it in Matthew. He thought there was a third time too. So, for a couple days I have read the Bible in the morning, afternoon, and before I go to bed. Meditate and read probably aren't the same thing. But why am I doing this? Because I want to be successful in whatever I do. I'm going through Matthew. I wanna see if I can find it in there. Everything is nothing without love. That is what the motive should be, right? Sometimes, I think I missed that.
At the retreat, I was sort of skeptical in the worship for a while. Mosh pits are at concerts. Why do we have kids amassing in front of the stage and jumping around. They look so silly. And I'll become even more undignified than this... oh dear. I never joined them. But eventually I let them go. To each his own. And I let God have my worship songs. The first day at the retreat, I wondered why we gathered together to worship alone. I'm not singing songs for you; I'm singing them for God. And a little bit because I like my voice.
Sometimes I think I am the opposite of what I am supposed to be. Like, I don't think I'm supposed to work at Subway. I feel somewhat disconnected. I guess most kids out of school might feel like that. But I don't think I've really been in touch with my emotions. Despite this, I'm beginning to believe that they are a central part of who I am. I feel silly saying that. Duuhh, of course they are. I enjoy making people laugh. Laughter is good, in most cases. I believe God can be in laughter. It can be bad too though. I want to bring laughter that has God in it. I think that would be a good thing to do.
Ivo told a story. It was about a guy who had a Ph.D and was working, but his Ph.D didn't help his job really. But everybody loved this guy. He worked hard. He was a pleasure to work with. He challenged the pastorate exam, or something like that, and aced it. They asked what books he used, and who his teacher was. The Bible. Jesus. Bam. They said that this guy is a great example, or ideal. I think that guy is who I want to be. Even before I heard that story.
I'd like to think that I connected with God at that retreat. Either something is wrong in my chest or God is there lots more. Do motives correct themselves? I hope they could. If they just led to God, then everything could change... I guess forward doesn't have to be bad.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Milk
Welcome to the nightmare you wished for. Not really, but everyone else said you should want this. And it made sense. You should want this. There isn't really any other way. Well, not that we know of. Not that you know of. You had to. You got mad at those who didn't give it to you. Others felt sorry that you didn't have it. And now you do. Lucky you.
Everyone asks if you like it. They congratulate you. You hate it. You want out. It traps you. You tell yourself that this is a good thing. You are responsible. You are a good citizen. You are doing something with your life. Look at all those good things.
You are dieing. Disconnected. Wasted. You think that maybe if someone else had given this to you, it might have been different. You might have been able to endure. But when you sit and think about it, you know it would have been the same. This is a cage you were tricked into entering. You have chained yourself to it, and trapped inside, there is no escape. This is why they want you to get an education, and go to school, and do something real with your life instead of sitting around and working for a year. In hell.
My name is Werner Schmidt and I am a sandwich artist. I die so you can eat a sandwich. As you might have been able to tell, I am happily employed. This may have been influenced from reading something someone wrote about aging recently. I think I share his sentiments.
I got a song stuck in my head.
Sunny days keepin' the clouds away
I think we're coming to a clearing and a brighter day
So far away. Still I think they say
The wait will make the heart grow stronger or fonder
I can't quite remember anyway
So if you're waitin' for love
Well it's a promise I'll keep
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter
Winter, Spring... is what love can truly bring
Ice turns to water, water flows to everything
You can lose your mind, maybe then your heart you'll find
I hope you won't give up what's moving you inside
If the car won't start, when you turn the key
When the music comes on, all your cold, cold heart can do is skip a beat
It's a promise I'll keep
When you're waitin' for love
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter
Just the chorus though. I enjoy the chorus. Much better than that radio station that tries to be cool and hip and punk and are really annoying. I'm sorry. I'm really not together right now.
I'm being separated from my obsession. My mind is distraught. It feels like I am being unplugged. From my friends. From my obsession. From God. It's unfortunate he isn't my obsession. I blame work. Before I felt close to something. Like I was where I should have been. I was an appliance, with my plug close enough to the outlet the sparks were flying across between us. But then I was taken away. You could make a decent analogy from that.
I am obsessed with Heroes. If it were as easy to be obsessed with God as it is to watch tv...oh man. I can't stop talking about it. I think about it at least once a day. I tell everyone to the point of being annoying, until someone says shut up, and then I feel bad, and keep almost referring to it, but I can't because they don't really wanna know. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could be crazy for Jesus like that? I watched the first season in about three days, split up. 23 episodes. 40-50 minutes each. I intend to go back and view the audio commentaries. I really can't get enough, and then realize how sad I must sound. Heroes will end one day. What will I do then?
I go to a cell group of older people now. The spy cells, even though I'm not supposed to call them that anymore, of the church. They talk about the service from Sunday. They meet every Wednesday. I started going the week after they had their potluck. They told me they didn't have food every week. I told them I knew that. They sing and pray and talk. And I zone out and dream while they talk. About nothing really. I almost enter that state between awake and sleeping. That's when your brains goes nuts and when you wake up you are so confused. None of that happened. Yeah, okay, except for that part. No, that didn't happen. Oh...well, what was it. Maybe we can go back one day. Maybe...except I can't remember.
Is that bad? Should I be trying to focus and think and contribute somehow? Sometimes, I lack opinions. Most times. If I have one, but wasn't confident enough to share it, I come home and write it here, where I can't see you laughing at me. I sound dreadfully insecure. But that's okay. I might be. I don't know.
Jesus loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong. They are weak but he is strong.
Jesus loves me, he who died. Heaven's gates to open wide. He will wash away my sin. Let this little child come in.
Christianity is supposed to be simple. I read a book that says we try to avoid saying that we understand Christianity. If we do get it, why aren't we doing it? So we make buildings and schools and seminaries and say I don't get it yet, but I'm getting closer. We complicate it as an excuse for not doing it. If it is so friggin simple, why can't I do it?
I am so annoyed.
Everyone asks if you like it. They congratulate you. You hate it. You want out. It traps you. You tell yourself that this is a good thing. You are responsible. You are a good citizen. You are doing something with your life. Look at all those good things.
You are dieing. Disconnected. Wasted. You think that maybe if someone else had given this to you, it might have been different. You might have been able to endure. But when you sit and think about it, you know it would have been the same. This is a cage you were tricked into entering. You have chained yourself to it, and trapped inside, there is no escape. This is why they want you to get an education, and go to school, and do something real with your life instead of sitting around and working for a year. In hell.
My name is Werner Schmidt and I am a sandwich artist. I die so you can eat a sandwich. As you might have been able to tell, I am happily employed. This may have been influenced from reading something someone wrote about aging recently. I think I share his sentiments.
I got a song stuck in my head.
Sunny days keepin' the clouds away
I think we're coming to a clearing and a brighter day
So far away. Still I think they say
The wait will make the heart grow stronger or fonder
I can't quite remember anyway
So if you're waitin' for love
Well it's a promise I'll keep
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter
Winter, Spring... is what love can truly bring
Ice turns to water, water flows to everything
You can lose your mind, maybe then your heart you'll find
I hope you won't give up what's moving you inside
If the car won't start, when you turn the key
When the music comes on, all your cold, cold heart can do is skip a beat
It's a promise I'll keep
When you're waitin' for love
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter
Just the chorus though. I enjoy the chorus. Much better than that radio station that tries to be cool and hip and punk and are really annoying. I'm sorry. I'm really not together right now.
I'm being separated from my obsession. My mind is distraught. It feels like I am being unplugged. From my friends. From my obsession. From God. It's unfortunate he isn't my obsession. I blame work. Before I felt close to something. Like I was where I should have been. I was an appliance, with my plug close enough to the outlet the sparks were flying across between us. But then I was taken away. You could make a decent analogy from that.
I am obsessed with Heroes. If it were as easy to be obsessed with God as it is to watch tv...oh man. I can't stop talking about it. I think about it at least once a day. I tell everyone to the point of being annoying, until someone says shut up, and then I feel bad, and keep almost referring to it, but I can't because they don't really wanna know. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could be crazy for Jesus like that? I watched the first season in about three days, split up. 23 episodes. 40-50 minutes each. I intend to go back and view the audio commentaries. I really can't get enough, and then realize how sad I must sound. Heroes will end one day. What will I do then?
I go to a cell group of older people now. The spy cells, even though I'm not supposed to call them that anymore, of the church. They talk about the service from Sunday. They meet every Wednesday. I started going the week after they had their potluck. They told me they didn't have food every week. I told them I knew that. They sing and pray and talk. And I zone out and dream while they talk. About nothing really. I almost enter that state between awake and sleeping. That's when your brains goes nuts and when you wake up you are so confused. None of that happened. Yeah, okay, except for that part. No, that didn't happen. Oh...well, what was it. Maybe we can go back one day. Maybe...except I can't remember.
Is that bad? Should I be trying to focus and think and contribute somehow? Sometimes, I lack opinions. Most times. If I have one, but wasn't confident enough to share it, I come home and write it here, where I can't see you laughing at me. I sound dreadfully insecure. But that's okay. I might be. I don't know.
Jesus loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong. They are weak but he is strong.
Jesus loves me, he who died. Heaven's gates to open wide. He will wash away my sin. Let this little child come in.
Christianity is supposed to be simple. I read a book that says we try to avoid saying that we understand Christianity. If we do get it, why aren't we doing it? So we make buildings and schools and seminaries and say I don't get it yet, but I'm getting closer. We complicate it as an excuse for not doing it. If it is so friggin simple, why can't I do it?
I am so annoyed.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
My Alibi
I had some good conversations with some people recently. I think good conversation are probably some of my favourite things. They help me figure out who I am a little, and they let me connect with someone else. It's like fellowship or something. But I can't even have good conversations with all of my friends yet, let alone strangers.
When my friends wanna do something, they wanna DO something. Sitting around and talking isn't enough most of the time. It's harder with more people anyway though. It just seems to degenerate very quickly. I don't think some people really want to talk like that, so they don't. The good conversations, where you talk about something that matters to who you are, and you leave it with something more.
I'm starting to think that there isn't a 'supposed to be'. I keep sitting around and saying stuff like 'God, what am I supposed to be doing?'. What if the supposed to be is null and void because we have Christ in our hearts? What if we didn't wait for the okay and just did stuff anyway? Either that is worded badly or my point is bunk. In 1 Samuel, Sam tells Saul to wait 7 days for him to come and make the sacrifice. Saul waits 7 days, his army starts dispersing, and so he makes the sacrifices, and then Sam comes up and rebukes him. God wasn't with Saul anymore after that.
So, clearly constant communication with God is necessary. A friend and I were talking a little bit about this. I asked him what was stopping us from having this communication with God. He said selfishness. I asked if we weren't selfish, would we have this communication. It didn't seem to work. But then we kept talking, and he said 'deny yourself, take up your cross...and follow me'. So we are in the way. It's always the hardest option. But it's probably worth it. It's hard to live out when you aren't really doing anything though.
That's where my point comes in. If we go and do good works, or try to, or just carry on with life with God...I'm trying to say inactivity sucks. Don't be inactive because you don't know what to do and are waiting for God to come and tell you. I play on an online risk site. I have I friend I play with on there. We laugh at him, mostly in good fun. Sometimes it goes too far. He isn't the best strategist. Sometimes we see it getting tight, so we tell him exactly what to do, and he becomes our puppet. I'm in a game with him currently. He's doing okay. I have some nut case out to kill me. Haha. I'm also encouraging him to think about what to do. This is a long story for a simple point. That most already know. By not telling him what to do, he can get stuck and tough it out and think about it, and eventually become better.
So then by me not knowing what to do, and not being told what to do, I might think and persevere and tough it out and become closer to God and more of a person than a puppet. If I have to deny myself, I might as well learn what I'm denying.
The cell group started on Wednesday. I read a bit of Acts earlier in the day, because I figured that the early church is what the cell groups are the most similar to. There was a passage that I pretty much fell in love with. The disciples wait for the Holy Spirit to come. There are about 120 believers. The Spirit comes. People are amazed. Peter speaks to them. 3000 people were added to their number that day. And then this is how the believers lived.
Acts 2:42-47
42They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. 44All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. 46Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.
That's what I'd like the cell group to look like, to some degrees. That we are devoted to what they were devoted to. I've sort of mentioned how I think fellowship should be. Miracles happening...that would be amazing. Maybe not for a while though. That...I don't know. But that we might encounter at brother or sister each day and enjoy encouraging fellowship. That would be incredible. If I could start a revolution, that is what I would want it to look like. For now we will ignore the persecution that came to the church later for being so in love with God.
That doesn't happen instantly though. It's a process, and it should be. Always growing. No step-by-step process. I think that before it even gets to cell group though, it starts in us. If we are to deny ourselves, what do we fill ourselves with? We are to pick up our cross and follow Jesus, but I don't know what that looks like. What if we devoted ourselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer? I don't know. I want to try it though. It starts in us, this potential revolution.
I invited a friend of mine into this revolution. He is in a place were he sees everything as broken and wants to fix it. I told him that it wasn't his to fix, but he asked why he felt so strongly about it then. I was a little jealous. I wish I had things I felt strongly about. I told him, but he said if I was him, I probably wouldn't like it either. I've heard it said that we are all missionaries. All ministers. I think he is a missionary to where he is now. If you go away as a missionary to a far away place, everyone hears of it and prays for you and expects gifts when you come back. If you go somewhere and accidentally become a missionary...that same support just isn't there.
I ask you to pray for these revolutionary missionaries who go ignored.
When my friends wanna do something, they wanna DO something. Sitting around and talking isn't enough most of the time. It's harder with more people anyway though. It just seems to degenerate very quickly. I don't think some people really want to talk like that, so they don't. The good conversations, where you talk about something that matters to who you are, and you leave it with something more.
I'm starting to think that there isn't a 'supposed to be'. I keep sitting around and saying stuff like 'God, what am I supposed to be doing?'. What if the supposed to be is null and void because we have Christ in our hearts? What if we didn't wait for the okay and just did stuff anyway? Either that is worded badly or my point is bunk. In 1 Samuel, Sam tells Saul to wait 7 days for him to come and make the sacrifice. Saul waits 7 days, his army starts dispersing, and so he makes the sacrifices, and then Sam comes up and rebukes him. God wasn't with Saul anymore after that.
So, clearly constant communication with God is necessary. A friend and I were talking a little bit about this. I asked him what was stopping us from having this communication with God. He said selfishness. I asked if we weren't selfish, would we have this communication. It didn't seem to work. But then we kept talking, and he said 'deny yourself, take up your cross...and follow me'. So we are in the way. It's always the hardest option. But it's probably worth it. It's hard to live out when you aren't really doing anything though.
That's where my point comes in. If we go and do good works, or try to, or just carry on with life with God...I'm trying to say inactivity sucks. Don't be inactive because you don't know what to do and are waiting for God to come and tell you. I play on an online risk site. I have I friend I play with on there. We laugh at him, mostly in good fun. Sometimes it goes too far. He isn't the best strategist. Sometimes we see it getting tight, so we tell him exactly what to do, and he becomes our puppet. I'm in a game with him currently. He's doing okay. I have some nut case out to kill me. Haha. I'm also encouraging him to think about what to do. This is a long story for a simple point. That most already know. By not telling him what to do, he can get stuck and tough it out and think about it, and eventually become better.
So then by me not knowing what to do, and not being told what to do, I might think and persevere and tough it out and become closer to God and more of a person than a puppet. If I have to deny myself, I might as well learn what I'm denying.
The cell group started on Wednesday. I read a bit of Acts earlier in the day, because I figured that the early church is what the cell groups are the most similar to. There was a passage that I pretty much fell in love with. The disciples wait for the Holy Spirit to come. There are about 120 believers. The Spirit comes. People are amazed. Peter speaks to them. 3000 people were added to their number that day. And then this is how the believers lived.
Acts 2:42-47
42They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. 44All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. 46Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.
That's what I'd like the cell group to look like, to some degrees. That we are devoted to what they were devoted to. I've sort of mentioned how I think fellowship should be. Miracles happening...that would be amazing. Maybe not for a while though. That...I don't know. But that we might encounter at brother or sister each day and enjoy encouraging fellowship. That would be incredible. If I could start a revolution, that is what I would want it to look like. For now we will ignore the persecution that came to the church later for being so in love with God.
That doesn't happen instantly though. It's a process, and it should be. Always growing. No step-by-step process. I think that before it even gets to cell group though, it starts in us. If we are to deny ourselves, what do we fill ourselves with? We are to pick up our cross and follow Jesus, but I don't know what that looks like. What if we devoted ourselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer? I don't know. I want to try it though. It starts in us, this potential revolution.
I invited a friend of mine into this revolution. He is in a place were he sees everything as broken and wants to fix it. I told him that it wasn't his to fix, but he asked why he felt so strongly about it then. I was a little jealous. I wish I had things I felt strongly about. I told him, but he said if I was him, I probably wouldn't like it either. I've heard it said that we are all missionaries. All ministers. I think he is a missionary to where he is now. If you go away as a missionary to a far away place, everyone hears of it and prays for you and expects gifts when you come back. If you go somewhere and accidentally become a missionary...that same support just isn't there.
I ask you to pray for these revolutionary missionaries who go ignored.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
The Perfect Post
Whenever I promise the best I can write, I never get around to it. I'm saving you from the suspense of waiting for a post that probably won't be coming. Right now I'm listening to someone who got trapped underwater with a guitar or two. Others would say it doesn't sound like that at all. Welcome my perspective. You must if you are reading this.
I think I accidentally fooled one of my friends. He seems to think I have become single minded and revolutionary. I don't know if that's true. It might be. But it's always worse when someone tells you that. It goes to your head. Am I different? I want to be. Maybe it's working. Maybe I just keep doing whatever I'm doing. Man. Talking to people can sure mess a person up. But maybe messed up is good. Maybe it isn't what I'm doing? I hope it isn't...I'm not doing too much, and have many distractions come that last a while.
I'm trying to set something up that will be amazing. When I grew up, My Mommy and Daddy told me smoking was bad, and so was drinking, and so were drugs, and so was not having a home. And sex was bad too. And it might not have just been the parents. So my child mind sees these things as bad, and then the people running into that absorb some of the badness. Not in all the things mentioned. Sex is necessary, but so distracting. My old church gave me wine, and that wasn't so bad. My best friend's dad smokes. But friend's dad are already scary. In the summer, the youth group, now known as Catalyst, went down to the Mustard seed and helped out a bit. I let other people do the helping. I was just sort of there. Strangers scare me. Especially when they look so different. You can't really help how you look when you are on the street. It was sort of then I began to realize this.
I told a friend about this, weeks after it happened, but I did tell him. He said I should go hang out with them at a shelter or something. I said okay. That is what I'm trying to set up. After this conversation, I acquired another book. This guy was pretty intense. He wants to be an extremist for grace. He believes peace won't come until we have the same courage for peace that they have for war. He wrote a book about his life and his ideas. He said it wasn't an autobiography. It wasn't. But you might be able to write a biography for him out of it. He was all about the homeless. It encouraged me more to get this thing going. They are people too. I believe it. I'm still kind of scared of strangers though.
I think that might be because I'm bad at conversation. My friend noted recently that he does all the talking, and I just ask questions to keep him going. I don't know a lot about things to have a conversation. I lack a passion for something, which is unfortunate because everybody has a passion. So I don't know enough about anything to have a strong subject. I might actually be shy, way deep down. My mom told me I was, when I was younger. I lack having some opinions too. I haven't had lots of good conversations in my life, maybe because of this, or maybe if I had, these reasons wouldn't exist. The best ones I've had have been by getting the other to talk more.
So I think it would be awkward to walk up to someone I don't know and start a conversation for it just to stop. One of my friends I was talking to about this said that maybe that's okay. Just go try it anyway. Maybe it'll work. And God is amazing, and can just take over. I'll let him do that. I read somewhere that we should be kind to strangers, because you never know when they might be an angel. Maybe that's a little bit of a stretch, but hey, why not? Jesus said whatever you do for the least of these, you do for me. That should apply to everyone, right? Non-exclusive?
There are my excuses and my attempts to debunk them. I just need a job now, or someone to drive me. Except for the strangers thing. I'm going to go climb a mountain.
I think I accidentally fooled one of my friends. He seems to think I have become single minded and revolutionary. I don't know if that's true. It might be. But it's always worse when someone tells you that. It goes to your head. Am I different? I want to be. Maybe it's working. Maybe I just keep doing whatever I'm doing. Man. Talking to people can sure mess a person up. But maybe messed up is good. Maybe it isn't what I'm doing? I hope it isn't...I'm not doing too much, and have many distractions come that last a while.
I'm trying to set something up that will be amazing. When I grew up, My Mommy and Daddy told me smoking was bad, and so was drinking, and so were drugs, and so was not having a home. And sex was bad too. And it might not have just been the parents. So my child mind sees these things as bad, and then the people running into that absorb some of the badness. Not in all the things mentioned. Sex is necessary, but so distracting. My old church gave me wine, and that wasn't so bad. My best friend's dad smokes. But friend's dad are already scary. In the summer, the youth group, now known as Catalyst, went down to the Mustard seed and helped out a bit. I let other people do the helping. I was just sort of there. Strangers scare me. Especially when they look so different. You can't really help how you look when you are on the street. It was sort of then I began to realize this.
I told a friend about this, weeks after it happened, but I did tell him. He said I should go hang out with them at a shelter or something. I said okay. That is what I'm trying to set up. After this conversation, I acquired another book. This guy was pretty intense. He wants to be an extremist for grace. He believes peace won't come until we have the same courage for peace that they have for war. He wrote a book about his life and his ideas. He said it wasn't an autobiography. It wasn't. But you might be able to write a biography for him out of it. He was all about the homeless. It encouraged me more to get this thing going. They are people too. I believe it. I'm still kind of scared of strangers though.
I think that might be because I'm bad at conversation. My friend noted recently that he does all the talking, and I just ask questions to keep him going. I don't know a lot about things to have a conversation. I lack a passion for something, which is unfortunate because everybody has a passion. So I don't know enough about anything to have a strong subject. I might actually be shy, way deep down. My mom told me I was, when I was younger. I lack having some opinions too. I haven't had lots of good conversations in my life, maybe because of this, or maybe if I had, these reasons wouldn't exist. The best ones I've had have been by getting the other to talk more.
So I think it would be awkward to walk up to someone I don't know and start a conversation for it just to stop. One of my friends I was talking to about this said that maybe that's okay. Just go try it anyway. Maybe it'll work. And God is amazing, and can just take over. I'll let him do that. I read somewhere that we should be kind to strangers, because you never know when they might be an angel. Maybe that's a little bit of a stretch, but hey, why not? Jesus said whatever you do for the least of these, you do for me. That should apply to everyone, right? Non-exclusive?
There are my excuses and my attempts to debunk them. I just need a job now, or someone to drive me. Except for the strangers thing. I'm going to go climb a mountain.
Monday, September 10, 2007
But What About...
Everything starts small. I said something like that at least five times today. I almost said to someone that if something started big, it would probably collapse quickly. I'm glad I didn't say that. I don't want it to be true. I want things to able to start big, huge. I know it's a little silly. If you dive into something with all you have though, isn't that big? Maybe.
What if you didn't care about image? This isn't my thought. I stole it. If we didn't act for our image, how much different would we be? Would we act how we wanted? Would we stop trying to make the right people happy? Would we do what mattered to us instead of holding back to see what is cool and trendy?
Do we need to be cool? I've read books that have referred to the Bible lots. I'm not very good at reading the Bible. I've decided I must get better at it. I read a little bit though, because a friend of mine is going through 1 John with me. It says that the world doesn't know Christ, so it doesn't know you. It says that when some people do good things, the people doing bad things will hate them. It says we shouldn't fit and blend into the world. One book said that we shouldn't be cool. He said Jesus wasn't cool, so he doesn't think we should be. I think Jesus is cool. I think I get what he is saying though. It seems so complicated.
I'm a little bit of a control freak. A dic tator maybe. I don't think that's how leaders should be. I think they should be something else. More open maybe. More I-don't-know-what-is-going-on-either-but-here-we-go. I don't like planning. Somehow I'm in a ministry with the church, and they keep having these meetings. I don't like them. They are long and boring, and in the end, they get about half a page down. Sweet..2 hours to get half a page. I think the best plans come when you aren't having planning meetings. They just happen. 2 or 3 people. No committees... Dictator. But I don't want events to be choreographed like a play or a musical. But then they become directionless. Some planning is needed, I guess.
Planning would have been nice now. Then I could more adequately present my thoughts to you. Tell you what. I will wait a day or two or more, and then present you with the most beautiful post I can write.
What if you didn't care about image? This isn't my thought. I stole it. If we didn't act for our image, how much different would we be? Would we act how we wanted? Would we stop trying to make the right people happy? Would we do what mattered to us instead of holding back to see what is cool and trendy?
Do we need to be cool? I've read books that have referred to the Bible lots. I'm not very good at reading the Bible. I've decided I must get better at it. I read a little bit though, because a friend of mine is going through 1 John with me. It says that the world doesn't know Christ, so it doesn't know you. It says that when some people do good things, the people doing bad things will hate them. It says we shouldn't fit and blend into the world. One book said that we shouldn't be cool. He said Jesus wasn't cool, so he doesn't think we should be. I think Jesus is cool. I think I get what he is saying though. It seems so complicated.
I'm a little bit of a control freak. A dic tator maybe. I don't think that's how leaders should be. I think they should be something else. More open maybe. More I-don't-know-what-is-going-on-either-but-here-we-go. I don't like planning. Somehow I'm in a ministry with the church, and they keep having these meetings. I don't like them. They are long and boring, and in the end, they get about half a page down. Sweet..2 hours to get half a page. I think the best plans come when you aren't having planning meetings. They just happen. 2 or 3 people. No committees... Dictator. But I don't want events to be choreographed like a play or a musical. But then they become directionless. Some planning is needed, I guess.
Planning would have been nice now. Then I could more adequately present my thoughts to you. Tell you what. I will wait a day or two or more, and then present you with the most beautiful post I can write.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
I almost drowned today.
A couple days ago, I day camp started for some kids, so us leaders met together and did some devotions to keep us tight with God. Groovy. We were told to find a fear that we have. To talk about it for a minute or two. I don't think about that a lot, so it took a bit, it ending up with me saying rejection. I almost thought it might have just been thrown out there to satisfy the demand. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. A few weeks ago, I told someone I was bad at doing stuff alone, like getting jobs or maybe even a girlfriend. I don't want one right now, but if I did, I would be bad at it. I was when I did. But it makes more sense to say that I'm bad at stuff because I'm scared of rejection. You don't have to worry about being rejected with your friends, or with a church group, unless you have sex as a teen, so you wouldn't really have to worry about rejection. It almost isn't even an option. But if out of this comfort zone, you're paralyzed with this fear, or just rendered useless, how can you adequately serve God? In 1 John it says that 'perfect love drives out fear'. In the group we said,'hey, what people think doesn't really matter in that regard. God loves me, so who cares if they don't?' Maybe, God can just deal with it for me.
A few years ago, I used to think that I wasn't really a person. I was just bits and pieces of other people around me, smashed all together. Like Frankenstein's monster. I think I'm my own person now. But I was having a good conversation, and the other described a combination of three people he thought could perhaps replace him when he left. It's an interesting idea. If you hang out with someone long enough, you become a bit of them, and they start to look a little more like you. In their person. That's probably why it's such a good idea to hang out with God so much. Character rubs off. I think I would probably be...
Really annoyed at television. Anywhere in my house. You can hear it. All the time. I really don't like it. It's distracting and loud and pointless. Satan-vision, as I heard a hero of mine call it once.
Wouldn't it be handy if we could stay up all the time? Didn't need sleep. Wouldn't we be so efficient? Well, considering how we use our time now, probably not. Spend days doing nothing. Yes, and then we can stay up for our nights, also doing nothing. I enjoy sleeping, and wouldn't pass it up for nothing. I don't think hanging out with friends is nothing. But I think most of my time spent with them might be wasted. Good conversations might be one of the best things around. I don't have a lot of them. Mostly because I don't have much knowledge of anything to talk about. The price of not having a passion. I guess it might also be because good conversations could go places we don't want to. I like them though. I think I want to have more of them.
Most of this blog is a badly repeated collage of good conversations I've had recently. So you should either recognize some of this blog from something said recently, live far away from me, or are due for a good conversation.
A few years ago, I used to think that I wasn't really a person. I was just bits and pieces of other people around me, smashed all together. Like Frankenstein's monster. I think I'm my own person now. But I was having a good conversation, and the other described a combination of three people he thought could perhaps replace him when he left. It's an interesting idea. If you hang out with someone long enough, you become a bit of them, and they start to look a little more like you. In their person. That's probably why it's such a good idea to hang out with God so much. Character rubs off. I think I would probably be...
Really annoyed at television. Anywhere in my house. You can hear it. All the time. I really don't like it. It's distracting and loud and pointless. Satan-vision, as I heard a hero of mine call it once.
Wouldn't it be handy if we could stay up all the time? Didn't need sleep. Wouldn't we be so efficient? Well, considering how we use our time now, probably not. Spend days doing nothing. Yes, and then we can stay up for our nights, also doing nothing. I enjoy sleeping, and wouldn't pass it up for nothing. I don't think hanging out with friends is nothing. But I think most of my time spent with them might be wasted. Good conversations might be one of the best things around. I don't have a lot of them. Mostly because I don't have much knowledge of anything to talk about. The price of not having a passion. I guess it might also be because good conversations could go places we don't want to. I like them though. I think I want to have more of them.
Most of this blog is a badly repeated collage of good conversations I've had recently. So you should either recognize some of this blog from something said recently, live far away from me, or are due for a good conversation.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Welcome to Blogger
I'm so happy right now. If I could play music, I would make a song right now. Unfortunately I can't think right now, so the song would be restricted to different variations of the first sentence. Hee hee. I recommend hot apple cider.
I've been thinking recently about people. I may have already told you how God loves people. God loves you, and me. I should love you like God loves you. But I'm loving something that you might not consider you. Define person. That's what matters. Person. People. Not the corpses we walk in now. I'm not adequately expressing what I want to. Think about it for a while, and you will probably know what I'm trying to say.
I went to a drama thing this morning. It wasn't really educational, but they are starting up a youth group. They are getting a name. Relatively new youth pastor. Just like my youth group. A little. The youth group is brand new. They've had the kids, just not the group. The youth pastor is brand new. Hot off the press, figuring it all out. Eventually. Forgive me for viewing it a bit like a game. It almost is. I think I got rid of a girlfriend by seeing life as a game, and letting her in on my perspective. Haha. Oops.
Worship is another thought. I like the worship that happens at youth groups. It's intense, and fun. But worship doesn't work the same alone. You can't worship God the same way. Everything we do is supposed to be worship. I don't understand that yet. I might not for a long time. That's okay. I'll stay here, and stay open, and one day, in good time, I won't understand it still. But I won't need too. That's just how it'll work. That might be a little too optimistic.
You can't be with friends all the time. You physically can't, and they probably wouldn't want to be near you for that long. And you can't be alone with God all the time. So what if you put the two together to build your entire life? That doesn't work. There is something missing. Sometimes I wish I had a passion, like music or sports or something like that. Then I would...I don't know. It probably wouldn't make me any better at talking. That's okay. I'll find something. I can wait.
I've been thinking recently about people. I may have already told you how God loves people. God loves you, and me. I should love you like God loves you. But I'm loving something that you might not consider you. Define person. That's what matters. Person. People. Not the corpses we walk in now. I'm not adequately expressing what I want to. Think about it for a while, and you will probably know what I'm trying to say.
I went to a drama thing this morning. It wasn't really educational, but they are starting up a youth group. They are getting a name. Relatively new youth pastor. Just like my youth group. A little. The youth group is brand new. They've had the kids, just not the group. The youth pastor is brand new. Hot off the press, figuring it all out. Eventually. Forgive me for viewing it a bit like a game. It almost is. I think I got rid of a girlfriend by seeing life as a game, and letting her in on my perspective. Haha. Oops.
Worship is another thought. I like the worship that happens at youth groups. It's intense, and fun. But worship doesn't work the same alone. You can't worship God the same way. Everything we do is supposed to be worship. I don't understand that yet. I might not for a long time. That's okay. I'll stay here, and stay open, and one day, in good time, I won't understand it still. But I won't need too. That's just how it'll work. That might be a little too optimistic.
You can't be with friends all the time. You physically can't, and they probably wouldn't want to be near you for that long. And you can't be alone with God all the time. So what if you put the two together to build your entire life? That doesn't work. There is something missing. Sometimes I wish I had a passion, like music or sports or something like that. Then I would...I don't know. It probably wouldn't make me any better at talking. That's okay. I'll find something. I can wait.
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