Sing With Your Eyes Closed

Tomorrow is my last night. Tonight they gave me off. I worked the last five. Do you think I can sleep? I should be able to. I'm tired. I'm getting sick, so I'm all sore and sickly, snotty nose and all. Yuck. It's a bad time to decide you need company. Not even to talk to. Just to be there.

I have half a mind to walk down to slevin and and hang out with Dan.

I'm reading a book by some lady. I won't tell you what it is, because I am increasingly sure it is a girl book. I can tell you when I am done. Won't let you sway me. In the book, a family(all girls except for the father. A large contributor to my suspicion.) moves to the congo. Their purpose is the salvation of souls. Or his intent. The rest of the family aren't really sure why they are there, and do not seem too thrilled about it either. But anyways.

In the book, they realize Africa ain't nothing like it is over here. Straight up. Life there is different. I know a little bit. I've been there. Not long enough to know, to really know, but long enough to see it is different. Life is survival. Here, life is... I'm not satisfied with what life looks like here. Get a job, work the rest of your life until you think you will have enough money to last you until you die. I know there is more, but that is the part I'm just not satisfied with. I won't follow that. What's money anyway? And...What is life without work? Kind of...slow.

People go strange if you leave them alone to long. Like fruit in the sun. 

I just don't know what life is. What I want it to be. I think my head is done. I can probably sleep now.

I Wonder What He Is Captain Of...

10 hours to go. 21 hours in.

It seems I'm good at making not friends. Wednesday night I worked. 4 in the morning, some dork came in. Wanted me to make a whole pizza for him. Jerk. He only wanted one piece...pizza ain't a crazy fast seller at four in the morning. Nothing is. Coffee and papers might just be the winners. I was sort of crashing. Night shifts don't mix well with me having a life, which I was trying to do at the time. That was probably the hardest, maybe second hardest I've ever crashed. I told that to shut up and get out. Well...first I refuse him for about five minutes, then asked what kind of pizza he wanted. He was still kind of hung up on the 'I can refuse service to whoever I want' bit. It was annoying. I told him to shut up and I'd make him a freaking pizza. You just told me to shut up. I'm leaving. Alright, get out. You just told me to get out. Yup. You don't have to be such a prick. Don't you love drunks? He called half an hour later, still whining about his damn pizza. So I made him one, but he never came. What a jerk.

Last night, another drunk came in. He was being friendly. I find them annoying, but I'd rather friendly over...well, I let him use the washroom (we don't have one at night, by the way. Should have refused him right there.), and he was grateful and left. Came back, got a pizza, made comments about robbing the place, said 2 dollars for pizza is taking all his money (pizza is essential at two thirty in the morning. Frick.). I told him to have a good night. You know, implying his exit. He didn't seem to get it (or like it), so I kept on that track. He said something about bashing my head and , and about how I was going to go home and play video games. Man. I wish I were. And we were friends in the beginning.

It seems I'm getting worse at keeping those. temper temper.

9 and a half hours to go.

An upcoming adventure

Only super nerdy people do stuff like this, but I like challenges. And who cares if I am super nerdy? I don't, so there. We, being me and some other fans, will attempt to recreate a musical from the internet. Crazy huh? Dr. Horrible's sing along blog. If it all falls together, it will be sweet. Unfortunately, I haven't found as much support as I was hoping I would find. That makes it more difficult.

You know in the movies, where you all see them actors being cool and loved by fans who don't really know them? That is their role. Be that guy. The villain. Hero. Singer. Lover. Whatever. They do it, well sometimes, sometimes not, but they don't make the movie happen. You know? Director, camera guys, light guys, ect ect ect. I don't know all the details, but I know it is more than kids pretending to be someone else. I know that. Details details details. It will be crazy amounts of work. But, that's okay. As said, I like challenges.

At the end of this, I will be unemployed. By choice. I won't have enough money. I know that. But I want out. Need out. I can be that man, but I can do better to. I have to. I modelled for a photographer the other day. Maybe I could be a ridiculously good looking male model. If I avoid gasoline fights, I should live a long, blissful life. Realistically, I might kill someone if I worked in a job like that. Do you know me? Does that tell you why?

I could be a rockstar. I'd have to focus a bit, but I could be. Why not? It would be lots of fun. Lots of luck to get in. What's the difference between a park bench and an artist? The park bench can support a family of four. I'd be risking that, but who makes a family at twenty? I joke that my life is over now that I am twenty. Really, I have lots of time left to do fun stuff. Ridiculous, what-the-duece-are-you-doing stuff. Like be a rockstar. Then, in a few years, when I still have nothing, and them secondary educationed kids are done and equipped to get paid big bucks or at least have a plan of some sort, would I regret it? Recently, I've realized I'm not as good at that 'live without regrets' thing as I thought I was. 'You only live once' didn't even cut it. I wasn't thinking. No time for hesitation. Carpe Diem, right? I hesitated.

Or I could be an actor. I don't think I could be, nothing worth getting paid for as is. Enough to have some fun, but nothing to earn a living yet. Practice makes perfect, right? If this reenactment works. Sorry. When this reenactment occurs, I can look at that. Judge off that. Perhaps. I have nothing but fond memories of putting on plays and other such performances. Them planned ones. On the fly, who knows what I'll do. I mean, will happen. So, yeah. I could be famous. Cool eh? Be my friend now. Hahaha.

All that was tangent. Cadence. Word. Aha. The point was, I don't have time now because I work every night, or something like that, and sleep when I am not at work, and then see kids, friends, acquintances, when I should be sleeping and am not. Almost keeps me in that place of tired-enough-that-I-am-still-fun-but-not-dead. Take out work and I'll sleep at night, and have to do anymore. Funny enough, I've found out that no one wants to hang out with you unless you have a job. That isn't what they are thinking, but definitely what happens. In any case involving me. So these projects wil keep me busy. Focused on something healthy. You know?

I wonder if I will ever find someone who takes me seriously in person. I wonder if, when I find this person, I will enjoy them.

Blog about my plane flying adventure.

I flew zero planes. Now and forever. My eye prevents this. Done.

That would be a funny post, eh?

I finished work Sunday morning. Easy Peasy. Holidays are weird. I came home, packed what I thought I needed (I was wrong about almost everything, by the way. I think the only thing I used was my sleeping bag) and was picked up my mr sissons. Got to the airport, waited for the plane. Ate starburst. Matthew made fun of me. I'm not super function after 22 or 23 hours of awakeness. But fun, until I remember how tired I am. Awakeness is one of those drugs I take too much.
We got on the plane. I was supposed to sleep. Oops. We arrived at the other airport in Kelowna. It's weird being so far so fast. They didn't have any buses, so we shuttled into the town. Matthew asked the guy about free campsites. pshh. Matthew. We searched for a tent for a while. A long while. It was about 10 in the morning when we got there. We realized that nothing downtown sold tents. Phooey. I sort of slept at the park for a while. That I'm-pretty-much-asleep-but-am-aware-of-some-things-that-happen-around-me asleep. Till 1:30. Then we found out no movies were playing, and continued the tent quest. Quent test?
We saw a thing, one o' them store overhang things. It said information. We believed it, but it was tres bizarre. It was white, and just a room. With a kitchen. Open front wall. Couches. What is this? We sat in the comfy funiture until a guy came over to see what we were doing. He explained that they are trying to sell suites that look like it did. Without the funiture. We used his washroom and were told to check sportchek in orchard park for a tent. The quest lives on.
We bused over there and asked a guy with cauliflowered ears where their tents were. Nope. He said to try canadian tire. He pointed us in a direction. We walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. Made fun of some signs. Some stores. Sweated profusely. Wished I had somewhere to keep my bag. Walked some more. I hear ladies like sweaty men anyway. Or maybe I just made that up.
Then it looked like residental are only next, so we turned around. Got some powerade so we didn't die of dehydration. It was hot out. The cashier girl told us we were way off. She pointed us in the direction we came. There was much frustration. We drank about half our powerades. Matthew tried to convince me to watch the game. Nope. Press on. The tent quest awaits. We made it back to pretty much where we started. Future shop, Movie theatre, Zellers. Let's try zellers. Could. Not. Find. It. GAHH. We waited at the movie theatre until fourish when our knowledge kelowna friends came to save us. Turns out we would have found Zellers if we walked another minute. But now we are late. Canadian tire in westbank. Got tent. Got to where we had to be. Success. Now for a different game.
It was Lauren's birthday on Saturday. Her party was on Sunday. I don't know anyone in Kelowna really. I've been awake more than 30 hours by now. There were many people to meet. I tried to let my lack of sleep allow me to be more extroverted, but I just got tired. Met a few that I remember though. I sort of wished I brought heather, but considering the tent quest, it was for the best.
After most guests had left, 9 of us went to watch a movie at the house Lauren was house sitting. It was called........... Garden state? I wasn't super fond. and pretty tired. I sat on the floor next to the bed. Lauren and melissa? and Jared went for a walk...they weren't really watching the movie. I wasn't really either. Should've gone. I went to the semi sleep state for a bit. The movie ended about one, and we assembled and walked back to Lauren's house. The house owners would be home soon. We went to the park and set up the two person tent wrong. It stayed up though.
This is very detailed. too detailed. And not at the same time. Cool, huh? 2-7 we slept, Matthew and I, too close together. We got up so early because, I don't think we were supposed to be tenting in the park. Unsetup by 7:30, Found a convience store, got some breakfast/granola bars/juice. Walked, saw some strange animal.Walked back. 8:30. Found some grass. Slept. maybe full. I'm unsure. 10 or 1030 we started up the wrong road (my fault), turned around(also me), took a short cut(Matthew) and continued going the right way(him again). I tried to turn the wrong way, but was corrected. We met Lauren and Grace and drove into town.
We got some pachos. What are they? We didn't know. I was played. I should have seen it coming. If someone tells you pachos have anything to do this chocolate, play along, but it ain't right. good breakfast. BAHAHA. Then we found a gas station. thenn...hmm. Did we go to the park then? I think we did. We were very energetic. Off the wall. We dropped off a music player thing, set off an alarm, and went to grab some Ice cream. Mmm...Ice cream. Enjoyed that on the grass. Mmm...grass. We sat outside a coffee shop for a whale. Went back to the park/beach. Met some other kids. strange kids. They ran into the cold cold water. we sat on the bench. The exciting water runners left, and it was time to go to the airport. Already? yeah. Dang.
we were 4 and we sat around the timmys table. I might have opened myself to the possibility of tonsilitis. I'm told you don't want to share drinks with people who have tonsilitis. Then they had to go and we went through security, and I realized I never told Lauren that I like her. Dang it. Missed an opportunity at the beach. Matthew might say I missed many. I sent a text. Eww Werner what the deuce are you doing? All that for a text? eww.... yup. Then I semi slept until the plane. where it continued. I was pretty grouchy after we passed through security. I have to work soon. Should have slept through this. Instead of this.

EXBELLENT

My life is a gong show. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Ever been in a wedding? Me neither. until today. It was pretty sweet. I would do it again. It seems to be the right time for everyone to get married. People everywhere will drop anything to come to a wedding. One of those times when all your friends are in the same place. Hopefully. You know how when you are a kid, you are friends with your neighbour's kids and how, as you get older, your bubble expands? It's impossible to bring everyone together. I have a counter strategy, that involves befriending everyone where ever you are. It ain't the same, but it would keep you in good company? I don't know. Also, I am not nearly altruistic enough for that. Was that a word? Altruistic? Either way, it says I spelt it right.

Ever dropped everything, cancelled work, and bought a plane ticket just so you could go see a girl? Logically, it probably isn't too bright, but that's not what I'm known for, and don't fix it if it ain't broken. I also would not have it any other way. Ain't. I think I have watched too much firefly. Ain't is not cool to say, and I ain't no cowboy. Damn.

Night shifts. Graveyard, if you will. Someone came in one night and told me they call them graveyard shifts because they send you to the grave early. Encouraging. Another guy said he was glad he didn't smoke, because shift work takes years off of your life or something. Interesting. I try to function during the day, because hermitdom just is not as fun as community. Funny, that. I'm supposed to be in some kind of garage band and hang out with kids I won't see after June ends. I might. But not much. That time has to get in now. A couple months ago. I've seen other friends try to get it all in a week before they go. pshh. I'll probably do that too, but I don't want to need to. Essentially, I don't sleep. And am really excited/nervousness/tired, perhaps nausious? Like butter over too much bread. And loving it. But...

June, please come soon.

This is one time.

My friend told me to write this. He also told me to be excellent. And make it long. I figure, if I write this, I am excellent. Who could resist? We will see about length.

I'm super excited because tomorrow morning I get into a truck with three other guys and drive for some hours, arriving in port hardy to meet with our cop friend. AND I work tonight. I wouldn't have slept well anyway. Might as well get paid for it. I'm done work at the end of the month. Woot!! This leaves no time to pack, but I can't pack anyway. Like I'll know what I need. Psh.

And June, June is super exciting too. No jobs, epic plans to camp anywhere. Everywhere. A small island unofficially dubbed Porges island. Sidney spit for a birthday party. A concert. I'm going to play music on stage!! Weird huh? Yup. ANNDDD Then I go to Pender island for two months. Rock on. There won't be many from last year, which means it will be different and a little bit sad, but also very exciting, despite that. Details to come later.

I put my life on hold for the last couple days. I needed to. I am not a machine. Breaks are very necessary, so I took one. I should be getting back to completing stuff soon, like applications to camp and letters to friends. Probably something else I'm supposed to do but forgot. I got accepted to Summit. That means I am really for sure peacing in September. That's exciting too. Abbotsford isn't the most exciting I hear, but it isn't my home island, and that is something. I'm kind of a jerk, but I don't think I will miss those who are left behind too much. Sure, I'll miss them, but there ain't no way I'll stay here for them. There is something else out there, and it's mine.

I had something else to say but forgot and ran out of time and have to go. Yup. Peace.

We need not to climb mountaintops.

It's from a dark place that you can look at life and see it as a joke.

I was thinking a little bit about momentum, about how everything is easier once you get started. Things like that. It has always been easier to perform once I'm on the stage. I don't really think things through, and you can't just stand there (although I have done that before, and I can't say I didn't enjoy it) so whatever I think of comes out. Most of the time is it satisfactory. I'm afraid I perform too much though. I'd rather just be with myself sometimes. I find I am very entertaining company. I don't feel like I did something wrong after being with me. There is something unpleasant in the aftermath of other people.

But, I really want to be with them too. Every time it is my choice, even my fault, that I see these other people, these who don't know. I spent an hour just wishing I lived with some guys, just so we could make dinner. Guys collaborating on anything is fantastic. Any task is a puzzle, a challenge, an obstacle that cannot be allowed to remain. We made a fire on the beach in the rain. It hurt to stand too close. Then I thought about how someone would always be there. I think I would be okay with that. I'm decent at ignoring people.

I don't think I can survive the 'real world', whatever that is. Or that maybe I could, but I really don't want to. I don't want to give in to it's demands. From what I've observed, it doesn't seem like a lot of fun. But, I ain't seen much. Barely left my island.

This sandwich has expired.