Hey, you're the one that I've been looking for, and I found you here

That's better.

Yesterday was a state of rebellion. I didn't want anyone. I cranked the music so I could hear nothing else. I was to myself. Alone, while surrounded. Like oil and water. Maybe that's why my friends are forced at least an arm length away. Honestly, I don't know how I have friends sometimes. I would think that they have no real reason not to hate me. Back to yesterday.

I got home and entered my bubble. My spoiled sister was screaming. My dad was complaining how I never do anything. My Dad is amazing, by the way. Anyway, home wasn't where I wanted to be. Clearly. I had bubbled myself away from it. So, I went for a walk. I sat on the beach. In the sand. Kids walked by with their parents. Old couples on strolls. People were talking and laughing on their boats. The birds sang. The air smelt like salty water, like only a beach can smell. I love the beach. Beaches are good places. There is connection there. Between land and air and sea. Between people. Even the animals are more connected.

I went and sat there for an hour. An hour and a half. I connected with myself. I saw I didn't want to connect to anything else. To anyone.I knew that wouldn't do. Couldn't do. I thought something might come from it. I thought I wanted that. Nope. it was a bad idea. So I stopped it. Moving through the actions, hoping that you will mean it by the time you stop moving. God, send your Holy Spirit. I don't want that. Send it God. I can wait. I will anticipate it. That says you have to want it you. Stop trying to be a rebel. It won't work.

If there is one thing I can do, I can wait. I'm hoping I can anticipate. I'm hoping that it isn't all for nothing. Ask and you will receive, right? What if you don't mean it? What would I have to do to mean it? Faith is a weird thing.

I went shopping today. I got a cd, so I could stop listening to the endlessly repeated tracks on myspace. Leeland, sing me to sleep. At historymaker, on the first night, Leeland was putting on his concert. He was spilling his heart. I was in the crowd, but purposefully away from everyone I knew. Isolated again. And he was saying how God showed him a vision, and said,why aren't they running to me? And he was nearly crying, I guess, but I was watching his face. It was like he was yelling at us. Like he was mad. I was misreading his emotions. But that didn't matter. I thought go cry about it, and then common sense said he is. But that didn't matter. I didn't want to listen to him. He can't reach me in my walls, God or not. That was before I realized those walls weren't between God and me.

Things are Going better today. I can wait. I will anticipate.

Reaching

This won't be the last song we sing to you.

Maybe happiness is over-rated. People die unhappy. Rich people. Poor people. People chasing it still die, before they've reached it. Happiness isn't a goal then, but a consequence. So I shouldn't worry about being happy. It will come later.

Brave New World. I read that book today. And I realized that...it might be more true than we realize at first. Happiness and comfort is emphasized. Beauty is ignored, or twisted. We are slaves without knowing it. How sad. If someone came along and tried to free us, would we let them? We want what will make us happy. What has made us happy. Freedom brings no guarantee of that. Sex drugs and rock'n'roll yo. Clearly that is what life is about.

Don't listen to that. There must be more.

You have to get the treasure, but it's in a room you cannot enter. You're so close, but you don't know what to do next. Don't give up. You know it's there, and you know it's for you. You just have to get in.

If I open my heart, could I go there with you?

Love each other as God loves you. Oh dear.

We were at Jon's place, playing with his wii. That's what all the cool kids are doing. We were playing tennis and such. So I thought 'Hey, he is kicking us out soon. I should go home and play tennis on my wii and become pro.' You know, everyone wants to be pro. It's a nice 'feel good'. I was already a pro bowler. Tennis won't be too hard. So I got home, and forgot about it.
I remembered a lot later. Well, okay, I can do that. My brother can help me. That's a great idea. Get some bonding in there. Sweet. But then we started playing, and I remembered he was terrible. Oh dear. When you end up losing, and it seems to be someone elses fault, You don't like them anymore. But we kept playing, and he kept getting better. Probably even better than me. So we kept playing. There wasn't really anything else to do, although that is a terrible reason to do something. And we were winning. It was close, but we were winning. And it stopped giving me points. If you don't get points, you can't become pro. So, like, what the deuce. He is still getting points. I'll play without him. So I did. I won a game. Yay. And then I Lost 5, and a bunch of points. Sweet.... Stupid game.

I shouldn't have been playing it anyways really.
There are so many other, better things to do even right now.
Prioritize better you.

Community is seemingly quite important. And I'm finding I can't do it. I don't like I really like a lot of people. Maybe that's because I'm a jerk. But I can't stand them. It should not be like this. It can't be like this. On Friday I wrote some crap in a book that replaces this, only better. What I wrote ended saying that it was all about community. It's not just you should not do this alone. You can't. Cannot. It's impossible. So, yeah, you have to drag others in. Not everybody. But someone. That will help.

It's hard to let people in when you don't like them.

I think there is a problem between me and happiness too. Yeah, bonus eh? Life goes on. I want to know why though. Where the deuce did this problem come from? How long? In acting, we tried to do this thing, emotional recall or something like that. Some actors think' I'll be playing a cop in this movie, I better go be a cop for a month to what it's like', but really, If you know what the character is feeling, wouldn't it be more real to portray the emotions than the actions? The point was to be, We've had emotions before. We've been happy. We've been sad. Etc etc. So, if we have to act happy or sad, we can remember a time when we were that emotion, and be it again through the memory.

So we had partners and a choice of nervous or happy. I chose happy, but then thinking back...The times were good. I liked them. They were fun. I like to have fun. But does having fun really make you happy? Is that how it is defined? 'Fun things make you happy'. Is that is? Maybe I'm all wrong, and I'm missing something else. What feels like a long time ago, I think I was a kid, I remember seeing or maybe it was even just thinking about a birthday party like atmosphere, and people were playing and having fun and being happy. And I thought it looked silly. I thought 'I don't wanna look silly. I better not be like that.' And that was that.

Josh asked me when I was invented. I didn't answer his question. I told him I was being reinvented. He said he always thought my face needed some work. I said I liked my face. He asked if I had proof. I said yup. I didn't know how to prove that I liked my face, but I didn't need to. He said darn.

Historymaker happened one week ago. I'm not going to talk about it. I'm going to talk about what it means now. I found walls. I was sad. I can't break these walls. How can I get to God? Then, God said You don't need to break them. I'm right here. I thought that was pretty sweet. Then what does this mean? I should get to know you more man. You are pretty much the most amazing thing ever. Hmm...How do you get to know someone? You just be with them. You just be together. Talk. Breathe. Live. Be. Okay. I can do that.

But...What do I have to talk to him about? I...nothing. I can send him requests. I'm sure he would LOVE my to do list, but that doesn't help me know him. Anguish. Still we will worship you. What's the order this should work in? What level Christian am I? What's the next step? I shouldn't think that. There are no steps, levels, checklists, or anything of that sort that helps you to get to know God better.

What do I talk with my friends about then? I know them, right? But, hey you, you are beginning to realize you don't like people. Oh dear.

Well, I like people. Just not all the time. Or all people. But the connection I have with most of my friends probably isn't good enough to have between God and I. I'm lucky I can even have this kind of connection. We all are. The least I could do is to give Him my best.

I don't know what that looks like. It's hard to be really tight with friends when they keep talking about your Mom. Or dirty jokes. Eww. Maybe I should start over. Move away. Run away. So the problems could follow.

No.

They should end here, but how? How? I don't know. And maybe you can't help me. I'm ignoring you anyway.

Sort of.