My Alibi

I had some good conversations with some people recently. I think good conversation are probably some of my favourite things. They help me figure out who I am a little, and they let me connect with someone else. It's like fellowship or something. But I can't even have good conversations with all of my friends yet, let alone strangers.

When my friends wanna do something, they wanna DO something. Sitting around and talking isn't enough most of the time. It's harder with more people anyway though. It just seems to degenerate very quickly. I don't think some people really want to talk like that, so they don't. The good conversations, where you talk about something that matters to who you are, and you leave it with something more.

I'm starting to think that there isn't a 'supposed to be'. I keep sitting around and saying stuff like 'God, what am I supposed to be doing?'. What if the supposed to be is null and void because we have Christ in our hearts? What if we didn't wait for the okay and just did stuff anyway? Either that is worded badly or my point is bunk. In 1 Samuel, Sam tells Saul to wait 7 days for him to come and make the sacrifice. Saul waits 7 days, his army starts dispersing, and so he makes the sacrifices, and then Sam comes up and rebukes him. God wasn't with Saul anymore after that.

So, clearly constant communication with God is necessary. A friend and I were talking a little bit about this. I asked him what was stopping us from having this communication with God. He said selfishness. I asked if we weren't selfish, would we have this communication. It didn't seem to work. But then we kept talking, and he said 'deny yourself, take up your cross...and follow me'. So we are in the way. It's always the hardest option. But it's probably worth it. It's hard to live out when you aren't really doing anything though.

That's where my point comes in. If we go and do good works, or try to, or just carry on with life with God...I'm trying to say inactivity sucks. Don't be inactive because you don't know what to do and are waiting for God to come and tell you. I play on an online risk site. I have I friend I play with on there. We laugh at him, mostly in good fun. Sometimes it goes too far. He isn't the best strategist. Sometimes we see it getting tight, so we tell him exactly what to do, and he becomes our puppet. I'm in a game with him currently. He's doing okay. I have some nut case out to kill me. Haha. I'm also encouraging him to think about what to do. This is a long story for a simple point. That most already know. By not telling him what to do, he can get stuck and tough it out and think about it, and eventually become better.

So then by me not knowing what to do, and not being told what to do, I might think and persevere and tough it out and become closer to God and more of a person than a puppet. If I have to deny myself, I might as well learn what I'm denying.

The cell group started on Wednesday. I read a bit of Acts earlier in the day, because I figured that the early church is what the cell groups are the most similar to. There was a passage that I pretty much fell in love with. The disciples wait for the Holy Spirit to come. There are about 120 believers. The Spirit comes. People are amazed. Peter speaks to them. 3000 people were added to their number that day. And then this is how the believers lived.

Acts 2:42-47
42They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. 44All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. 46Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

That's what I'd like the cell group to look like, to some degrees. That we are devoted to what they were devoted to. I've sort of mentioned how I think fellowship should be. Miracles happening...that would be amazing. Maybe not for a while though. That...I don't know. But that we might encounter at brother or sister each day and enjoy encouraging fellowship. That would be incredible. If I could start a revolution, that is what I would want it to look like. For now we will ignore the persecution that came to the church later for being so in love with God.

That doesn't happen instantly though. It's a process, and it should be. Always growing. No step-by-step process. I think that before it even gets to cell group though, it starts in us. If we are to deny ourselves, what do we fill ourselves with? We are to pick up our cross and follow Jesus, but I don't know what that looks like. What if we devoted ourselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer? I don't know. I want to try it though. It starts in us, this potential revolution.

I invited a friend of mine into this revolution. He is in a place were he sees everything as broken and wants to fix it. I told him that it wasn't his to fix, but he asked why he felt so strongly about it then. I was a little jealous. I wish I had things I felt strongly about. I told him, but he said if I was him, I probably wouldn't like it either. I've heard it said that we are all missionaries. All ministers. I think he is a missionary to where he is now. If you go away as a missionary to a far away place, everyone hears of it and prays for you and expects gifts when you come back. If you go somewhere and accidentally become a missionary...that same support just isn't there.

I ask you to pray for these revolutionary missionaries who go ignored.

The Perfect Post

Whenever I promise the best I can write, I never get around to it. I'm saving you from the suspense of waiting for a post that probably won't be coming. Right now I'm listening to someone who got trapped underwater with a guitar or two. Others would say it doesn't sound like that at all. Welcome my perspective. You must if you are reading this.

I think I accidentally fooled one of my friends. He seems to think I have become single minded and revolutionary. I don't know if that's true. It might be. But it's always worse when someone tells you that. It goes to your head. Am I different? I want to be. Maybe it's working. Maybe I just keep doing whatever I'm doing. Man. Talking to people can sure mess a person up. But maybe messed up is good. Maybe it isn't what I'm doing? I hope it isn't...I'm not doing too much, and have many distractions come that last a while.

I'm trying to set something up that will be amazing. When I grew up, My Mommy and Daddy told me smoking was bad, and so was drinking, and so were drugs, and so was not having a home. And sex was bad too. And it might not have just been the parents. So my child mind sees these things as bad, and then the people running into that absorb some of the badness. Not in all the things mentioned. Sex is necessary, but so distracting. My old church gave me wine, and that wasn't so bad. My best friend's dad smokes. But friend's dad are already scary. In the summer, the youth group, now known as Catalyst, went down to the Mustard seed and helped out a bit. I let other people do the helping. I was just sort of there. Strangers scare me. Especially when they look so different. You can't really help how you look when you are on the street. It was sort of then I began to realize this.

I told a friend about this, weeks after it happened, but I did tell him. He said I should go hang out with them at a shelter or something. I said okay. That is what I'm trying to set up. After this conversation, I acquired another book. This guy was pretty intense. He wants to be an extremist for grace. He believes peace won't come until we have the same courage for peace that they have for war. He wrote a book about his life and his ideas. He said it wasn't an autobiography. It wasn't. But you might be able to write a biography for him out of it. He was all about the homeless. It encouraged me more to get this thing going. They are people too. I believe it. I'm still kind of scared of strangers though.

I think that might be because I'm bad at conversation. My friend noted recently that he does all the talking, and I just ask questions to keep him going. I don't know a lot about things to have a conversation. I lack a passion for something, which is unfortunate because everybody has a passion. So I don't know enough about anything to have a strong subject. I might actually be shy, way deep down. My mom told me I was, when I was younger. I lack having some opinions too. I haven't had lots of good conversations in my life, maybe because of this, or maybe if I had, these reasons wouldn't exist. The best ones I've had have been by getting the other to talk more.

So I think it would be awkward to walk up to someone I don't know and start a conversation for it just to stop. One of my friends I was talking to about this said that maybe that's okay. Just go try it anyway. Maybe it'll work. And God is amazing, and can just take over. I'll let him do that. I read somewhere that we should be kind to strangers, because you never know when they might be an angel. Maybe that's a little bit of a stretch, but hey, why not? Jesus said whatever you do for the least of these, you do for me. That should apply to everyone, right? Non-exclusive?

There are my excuses and my attempts to debunk them. I just need a job now, or someone to drive me. Except for the strangers thing. I'm going to go climb a mountain.

But What About...

Everything starts small. I said something like that at least five times today. I almost said to someone that if something started big, it would probably collapse quickly. I'm glad I didn't say that. I don't want it to be true. I want things to able to start big, huge. I know it's a little silly. If you dive into something with all you have though, isn't that big? Maybe.

What if you didn't care about image? This isn't my thought. I stole it. If we didn't act for our image, how much different would we be? Would we act how we wanted? Would we stop trying to make the right people happy? Would we do what mattered to us instead of holding back to see what is cool and trendy?

Do we need to be cool? I've read books that have referred to the Bible lots. I'm not very good at reading the Bible. I've decided I must get better at it. I read a little bit though, because a friend of mine is going through 1 John with me. It says that the world doesn't know Christ, so it doesn't know you. It says that when some people do good things, the people doing bad things will hate them. It says we shouldn't fit and blend into the world. One book said that we shouldn't be cool. He said Jesus wasn't cool, so he doesn't think we should be. I think Jesus is cool. I think I get what he is saying though. It seems so complicated.


I'm a little bit of a control freak. A dic tator maybe. I don't think that's how leaders should be. I think they should be something else. More open maybe. More I-don't-know-what-is-going-on-either-but-here-we-go. I don't like planning. Somehow I'm in a ministry with the church, and they keep having these meetings. I don't like them. They are long and boring, and in the end, they get about half a page down. Sweet..2 hours to get half a page. I think the best plans come when you aren't having planning meetings. They just happen. 2 or 3 people. No committees... Dictator. But I don't want events to be choreographed like a play or a musical. But then they become directionless. Some planning is needed, I guess.

Planning would have been nice now. Then I could more adequately present my thoughts to you. Tell you what. I will wait a day or two or more, and then present you with the most beautiful post I can write.

I almost drowned today.

A couple days ago, I day camp started for some kids, so us leaders met together and did some devotions to keep us tight with God. Groovy. We were told to find a fear that we have. To talk about it for a minute or two. I don't think about that a lot, so it took a bit, it ending up with me saying rejection. I almost thought it might have just been thrown out there to satisfy the demand. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. A few weeks ago, I told someone I was bad at doing stuff alone, like getting jobs or maybe even a girlfriend. I don't want one right now, but if I did, I would be bad at it. I was when I did. But it makes more sense to say that I'm bad at stuff because I'm scared of rejection. You don't have to worry about being rejected with your friends, or with a church group, unless you have sex as a teen, so you wouldn't really have to worry about rejection. It almost isn't even an option. But if out of this comfort zone, you're paralyzed with this fear, or just rendered useless, how can you adequately serve God? In 1 John it says that 'perfect love drives out fear'. In the group we said,'hey, what people think doesn't really matter in that regard. God loves me, so who cares if they don't?' Maybe, God can just deal with it for me.

A few years ago, I used to think that I wasn't really a person. I was just bits and pieces of other people around me, smashed all together. Like Frankenstein's monster. I think I'm my own person now. But I was having a good conversation, and the other described a combination of three people he thought could perhaps replace him when he left. It's an interesting idea. If you hang out with someone long enough, you become a bit of them, and they start to look a little more like you. In their person. That's probably why it's such a good idea to hang out with God so much. Character rubs off. I think I would probably be...

Really annoyed at television. Anywhere in my house. You can hear it. All the time. I really don't like it. It's distracting and loud and pointless. Satan-vision, as I heard a hero of mine call it once.

Wouldn't it be handy if we could stay up all the time? Didn't need sleep. Wouldn't we be so efficient? Well, considering how we use our time now, probably not. Spend days doing nothing. Yes, and then we can stay up for our nights, also doing nothing. I enjoy sleeping, and wouldn't pass it up for nothing. I don't think hanging out with friends is nothing. But I think most of my time spent with them might be wasted. Good conversations might be one of the best things around. I don't have a lot of them. Mostly because I don't have much knowledge of anything to talk about. The price of not having a passion. I guess it might also be because good conversations could go places we don't want to. I like them though. I think I want to have more of them.

Most of this blog is a badly repeated collage of good conversations I've had recently. So you should either recognize some of this blog from something said recently, live far away from me, or are due for a good conversation.

Welcome to Blogger

I'm so happy right now. If I could play music, I would make a song right now. Unfortunately I can't think right now, so the song would be restricted to different variations of the first sentence. Hee hee. I recommend hot apple cider.

I've been thinking recently about people. I may have already told you how God loves people. God loves you, and me. I should love you like God loves you. But I'm loving something that you might not consider you. Define person. That's what matters. Person. People. Not the corpses we walk in now. I'm not adequately expressing what I want to. Think about it for a while, and you will probably know what I'm trying to say.

I went to a drama thing this morning. It wasn't really educational, but they are starting up a youth group. They are getting a name. Relatively new youth pastor. Just like my youth group. A little. The youth group is brand new. They've had the kids, just not the group. The youth pastor is brand new. Hot off the press, figuring it all out. Eventually. Forgive me for viewing it a bit like a game. It almost is. I think I got rid of a girlfriend by seeing life as a game, and letting her in on my perspective. Haha. Oops.

Worship is another thought. I like the worship that happens at youth groups. It's intense, and fun. But worship doesn't work the same alone. You can't worship God the same way. Everything we do is supposed to be worship. I don't understand that yet. I might not for a long time. That's okay. I'll stay here, and stay open, and one day, in good time, I won't understand it still. But I won't need too. That's just how it'll work. That might be a little too optimistic.

You can't be with friends all the time. You physically can't, and they probably wouldn't want to be near you for that long. And you can't be alone with God all the time. So what if you put the two together to build your entire life? That doesn't work. There is something missing. Sometimes I wish I had a passion, like music or sports or something like that. Then I would...I don't know. It probably wouldn't make me any better at talking. That's okay. I'll find something. I can wait.

This is a Terrible post.

I think I need some new thoughts. No, that's not what I need. I need to get rid of old thoughts. Then the new ones will work better. Thoughts are what cause actions. Most times. So how you think directly impacts how you live. I've received and have been receiving potentially life changing thoughts for a while. I guess every thought is potentially life changing. But these new thoughts fade into to back. They aren't worse than the prominent thoughts that help me now, in fact, they are probably better. But they aren't used to living, and I'm not used to using them. It's a rut really. This is working alright, why change it? It might not work anymore if I do.

Computers make things happen. Events wouldn't take place as frequently. Always connected. Always with the ability to see who wants to do what where and when. This is the plus. The minus is that so much time is wasted by us ho sit here and ... Nothing. We take lots of things for granted. I think we would appreciate community so much more if we weren't always connected to one. I think it is almost time for another compy break. Full out. Nothing. No exceptions. That would be sweet, eh? That mean I'll be out of the loop, and unable to speak with some pretty groovy people. The loop runs in circles anyways, and it would be way sweeter to chill with my for off friends in person. Problems solved. Cool.


I found my Favourite place in the world. It is on Sidney Spit. I don't want to tell you where, because I want you to find it and make up your own mind on it without knowing that it is my favourite. What kind of complications could arise from this? You might think everywhere is my place, tainting everywhere you go. Okay. So you should go to Sidney Spit and search the island and remember the cool places. Then tell me what you thought of them, and I'll tell you where mine was, okay? Okay. I'll tell you something more in a couple months. If you have something important to tell me, you should phone me.

Cool

Camp was super. Mostly because of Marcel. He's my hero. Let me tell you why. Sometimes, you're going through life, and you realize you aren't doing what you really want to be doing. Well, if what you want to be doing is to be living your life for God, you complain that it is hard because there is no example. He is an example. The coach of the Redskins is a bit of a jerk, but we love him. He plays excessively rough in sports. We played hockey against Marcel's team, and our coach was on my hero. Coach kept hitting hero, and hero just kind of danced away smiling. He was just as into it, but he didn't get angry at all.

You listen more to a speaker when you know that they follow what they are telling you. So, if you want a quick overview, Marcel preached...more like spoke with us, in P's. Precious, Prayer, Partnership, Poison, Pain, Paradise, Personal Contentment, and Potential. Each is a services worth, and when put together, you almost half a blueprint for a life you aren't living, but want to. At camp, I really wanted it to happen. Instant change. Knowing it wouldn't though, not there and even less likely here at home, I decided to cling to some small things. God loves you. Yeah, everyone has heard that. Well, not everyone, or we wouldn't be here. But do you know what that really means? I don't think you do. I don't think I do.

I read Matthew while I was up there. It was probably the most intense reading of Matthew I have ever had. Jesus is amazingly harsh. This is the line, and if you aren't over it, you die. Yeah, of course. We know that. If you said that in this age, people would ignore you. Or be offended, and you'd be in jail. But he has this line he tells his disciples about, and then sees the people and his heart breaks. God loves people. All miracles done in the Bible are done out of love.

Then people are the most important thing on the face of the Earth.
If anything you have is more important than the people around you, like your friends, or that stranger, or that homeless guy down the street, give it away. Let it go.

Live to give. Buy friends. The thought of heaven compels you. Love people.

But I don't have anything to give. I don't have a job. To be honest, I haven't done anything important in the last two days, or anything at all. On this day, day 3 of the nothing, I was doing nothing when I had a thought. I need to do some God stuff. There is world stuff. I do that sometimes. But I'm not doing anything right now. I'd rather do some God stuff. What is that? I don't know.

I want to live to give. I want to love people. I don't know how. Marcel does, but I really don't know him. I should move in with him. Eventually. But how do I move towards God now?