Nonsensical

So, I was in the kitchen, grabbing a paper towel, and it was dark, but I knew where they they were. I grabbed one, but as I tried to rip it away from the roll, I half broke it off the wall. I tried to put it back, but it was too late. Do you enjoy stories?

I don't think they need to have a point. You get made fun of if you don't have one with stories you tell though. When I was young, My parents teased me, all in good fun. It made me so mad. They would stay that if I didn't learn to laugh at myself, I would pretty much be hosed for life. That either saved my life, or defined it. I'm not sure. All I know is lots of people enjoy teasing me now, and I don't mind. Did I bring it upon myself, or was it unavoidable? Does it even matter?

I think the thought of a male hairdresser is funny. I told some friends this, and they thought it was terrible. Maybe it is.

I've spent much of my free time saving worlds, as I've told you. It's looked down upon when you refer to ideas from these worlds that apply to conversations. I find this unfortunate. They can be quite educational, even if they aren't teaching you math. I learned what it could be like to be outside the church looking in, and why so many laugh at those inside. Different perspectives are portrayed. It's enriching. What's good? Evil? Right?

If my life were a game, it would be really boring.

I watched a video on Wednesday. A guy in it said we were trying to keep our kingdoms of selfishness intact. I like to think I have a kingdom. I rule over my kingdom and choose where it goes.

We talked about harmony briefly. How we are to live in harmony with each other. I figured music has harmony in it, or could, and probably should. We could live music then, perhaps. I just remembered that I heard this somewhere else before though.

Theory theory theory. I can make theories all day. But I don't do much.

Ultimate Sandwich

I need a new title. I don't feel like ignoring people anymore. And it doesn't accurately reflect what I feel I am now writing. I don't want to fully give that up though. I like not writing to an audience. I like writing to me. Thinking in text. If I start making this for anyone else, it will suck.

I think to myself a lot. Pretty much all the time. Most of the time, it isn't important at all. Then, I'll wonder how I got to where I got to in my head and have to back track and see how ridiculous it all was. Of course, there are clear connections to everything. Except when you think of nothing. That's weird. And happens a lot to me. Sometimes, I try to pass off my thinking to myself as talking to God. I didn't really know I was doing it. I would just say what I was thinking out loud, and expect it to be acceptable. They aren't. Or don't feel that way. I am basing too much off feelings?

I don't like trailing off with dots. I use it in all the wrong places. It definitely loses it effect. Lame.

Oh yeah. I know what I was going to say.

Some people that I am friends with, I am free, or at least feel free, to say my thoughts. Maybe without some of the needed filtering. I think that's good, even if it ends with me being laughed at a lot. I heard somewhere that maybe we are becoming too open. Maybe. Anyway, I wonder why I can say whatever to my friends, and not to God. Is it that obvious?

Duh Werner, God is kind of above 'your mom' jokes. He probably wouldn't even find them funny.

Hey! I don't make that many 'your mom' jokes. And, God saved me because he loves me right? And if he loves me, he should want that part of me too.

But God pretty much deserves all the respect you can give Him, not just the random thoughts that fly through your mind. He deserves something well thought out. Something that you mean, truly.

I agree, but that seems less 'me'. Yet, it could be more 'me' too.

Oh man. Even though that was clearly just me talking to myself, I feel like I've found something incredible and precious. And when I read this later, I will probably think it is lousy. But right now, it's perfect.

By the way, it was a really short moment.

Dave the Great

Hero has been the theme for my week. It sort of came up on monday, not that I really mentioned it. Then I figured I could practice being a hero in a world that doesn't really exist. I started a town. I'm saving people, and defeating monsters. I let it carry over to real life a little. Not that I've had much of a life. Saving a fake world and work since monday. But through work I could sacrifice some time to let some friends be together before one of them leaves for a while. Maybe that's all a hero is. Just sacrificial.

Today followed the pattern of other days. Save some world, but then to Live the difference. The guy talked about cats in cars and donkeys tied up to poles. He said he is a donkey. I thought that was funny. He means that I am a donkey too. Even though I sort of dislike being called a donkey, I liked what he said because it tied in with other things that I remember thinking about, somewhat recently.

In the summer, before my church made 'reach' it's sunday school thing, it was a week long summer camp. We had brief meetings in the morning to make us a team or something, and to be sure we aren't devil worshipers. One morning was about what we were afraid of. I think I said rejection. But now, I'm pretty sure I'm scared of most things. The speaker said that we really shouldn't be afraid of anything. Perfect love drives out fear. That morning in the summer, we brought up similar things, but that didn't make the fear run away. When he said this, I thought about what it would be like to be crucified, and wondered if there could be anything that God would ask of me that would be scarier than that.

Maybe something happened without me noticing.

Maybe wanting to be a hero and fix and save everyone isn't right. If I'm the hero, I'm the idol. I'm famous and super cool. Why would any sane person really want to be a hero anyway? I started to think, maybe I need a hero. Or, I could just be wrong.

You never know.

Strawberries

Prayer is weird. I'm somewhat bad at talking. If prayer is talking to God, I should be able to do it. I can talk, therefore I can pray. How I pray though is not how I talk to people. I wondered what would happen if I talked to God like a person. I wondered if I have really ever talked to God. What if it was all just saying words to fit in and make church kids like me? Maybe it was, and I can start from the beginning and do it all differently.

But then, Jesus taught us how to pray. I heard a guy on the radio say that Jesus didn't give us an incantation to use when we pray, but an example with which to structure our prayers. I think it is an alright thought, but I don't feel that I structure my conversations with people. In Subway I guess the conversation is pretty much laid out. I mean, structured. And forced. And not real. But...

I know some people who come into Subway all the time. There is almost a...no, no there isn't. Never mind.

Cronk and I went to Pender Island. It was good. I might go there for the summer. I don't know though. How can I plan for the future without knowing what I'm doing now?

Slow down Be still

Jon and I were talking tonight at the cell group. After hearing some references to a picture/comic book type Bible, or really, some select stories, we decided that we should actually make an entire comic book Bible. I'm pretty sure that it would have the potential for greatness. I saw the book where the idea came from. He went and found it. We could do better. I can't though. I'm not a great artist. But maybe I could do enough to make something incredible. I don't even care if somehow it becomes incredible. Yeah. Thanks for listening. I could go do that right now.

I'm about to listen to Brother Yun. He is speaking about church life in China. From the brief description, it sounds like it should be worth hearing. Well, I would appreciate it better if I could speak Chinese. Because he speaks it.

I'm a lot like my Dad. My Dad is definitely the best drywaller I know. So, in theory, one day I'll be a really good something. That's encouraging. Jesus says that we are like our father. We do what he does, whoever he may be. It's a good example. Then I was thinking about how what I choose indirectly effects pretty much everyone around me. It affects who I am, thus how I interact, and how people see me. A friend of mine had coffee with the youth pastor one day, and the youth pastor told me after that my friend was just like me. Well, I messed up some guy.

Who I am now changes people. Weird huh? Then who I become could bring them up or down. My family too. I have a brother. Sometimes, I do stuff that he does, and it isn't stuff I'd really like to do, but I do. He probably got that from me. When I was in grade eight, I typed with the most terrible everything. If I could see it now, I would be disgusted. I tried writing an essay for school, But I wrote it in that terribleness. Naturally, I got a nasty mark...he let me redo it. I figured maybe that wasn't a good way to type, so I don't anymore. That never happened to my brother, and he types like I used to.

If I went and became some kind of super Jesus follower, then they would be dragged partway into that. Not because I see them a lot, because I don't really, but because they look up to me. What? Why? I don't know. I guess you just look up to people who are older than you. I do, to some point. I forget some people are older than me. And that some are younger. Age doesn't really seem to matter at that point.

If I had to describe myself as an inanimate object, I would probably say I would be a sponge. Because I too am yellow. That's a lie. Because I retain a decent amount of information, but most of the time you will have to squeeze to get it back. Do sponges do that? I think so. I'm not a great talker. And small talk is dumber everyday. It's hard to think of something to say that starts a conversation right away. Especially msn. Oh man. Hellos are so unnecessary. It's not a great way to talk to people either. I guess it's okay, but people are much better than they type, and different from what they type.

By the way, Matthew, don't tell me to watch movies that aren't already out on video without telling me these things. I walked into the video store and asked to rent it. The guy told me it wasn't out yet. So embarrassing. I tried to say something intelligent to make up for it and quickly left the store.

Small Words

I was about to write something long and incredible about...well, that will be a surprise for now. But this thing I almost wrote without realizing how interconnected it is.

I just finished reading this incredible book from the church library. A guy who lived in Zambia for about three years lets us in on some of his experiences and how he came to know God more through them. We had to read it because the pastor told us to. Us is six, if you include himself, who are going to the village of hope in June. I was just going before. Now, I'm excited. And it's still months away.

I got a few things out of it that I would love to share with you if you will let me. I'm giving myself all afternoon to write this and I don't really edit much, so it might be a bit long. Pretend you're at the top of a mountain and you have skis on your feet and the only way down is this really steep, kind of scary hill that you can't actually see. Here we go.

One reminds me of a friend of mine. He takes a while to get anywhere because he gets distracted a lot. Mostly by people. I met someone else like him too. Also very distracted, but only by people, it seemed. Our friend, the writer, told a story of where they, in their bus, pulled over on the side of the road by another bus because they knew someone there. Which was fine. But it was a narrow road and they were in a bus stop and it was rush hour. And our friend was the only one concerned with all this. Everyone else in the group enjoyed the company of their friend. They seem to be much more community based over there.

He said that it seemed life was about the interruptions. Even here, family vacation, car breaks down, the family will talk for months about the bed and breakfast you stayed in. I didn't write that. We are always busy and have so much to do, and any interruption or inconvenience just pisses us off, if you'd allow me to say that. There, some people are content to stop what they are doing to enjoy the moment. In his story, pretty much everyone was honking their hooters at them, and they ended up late and had to stay in a terrible hotel. I think it was worth it to them though.

I'm not going to tell the story for this one. Rejoicing in the small things. I don't know about you, but I aim for big things. Maybe it doesn't leave my head most of the time. But that doesn't change that I do. Anything short of that huge unreachable goal isn't good enough. Maybe they should be? As Christians, we strive to be like Christ, or claim to. That might be unreachable. I don't know. I'm not there. But as I continue living, I'd like to think I get closer and closer. Maybe each of those steps is worth celebrating. What if. I like these ideas.

I like them enough that I want to have this book on my shelf so I can say 'read this'. So I asked my Mom to drive me down to the store where they should have it. And I searched that store. Nothing. So I gave up and asked them at the till. Nothing. Oh dear. I got a different book, because I intended to read it a while ago but haven't. Sometimes I write like him. I like how he writes. Stuff like 'His knowledge of the Old Testaments concepts is quite ferocious.'

But before we go there, I co-lead a small group. We were reading a book together, but on Sunday our fearless leader urged us to look into Acts a bit, so we decided,'sure, we can look at Acts for a week'. Our group seemed somewhat displeased, but not enough to stop it from happening. I'm glad we did it. We read the first 2 chapters, an the discussion was kind of boring. I sort of scribbled all over my piece of paper. I got another 2 things out of this one though. I'd be a horrible pastor. They're supposed to have three point sermons?

They prayed constantly (Acts 1:small part of14), and were together. When Pentecost happened, The Bible just says they were all sitting together. They weren't praying or doing anything super spiritual. Weird. I like the last few verses of chapter 2 as well. It outlines how they worked, as they early church. They lived together and shared everything. That doesn't totally fit today. It could. If you made it. Where am I going?

I sometimes wondered what you are supposed to do when you are alone. It's seems hard to do what Christians do. Help the poor? Have fellowship?

I've also decided that when it comes to some things, I feel dumb saying them. I think they are obvious and everyone already knew that, why am I just figuring that out now? That's not what I decided. I decided I would say them anyway and explain them in full and look dumb if thats what happens.

Our season in youth and such is relationships. I feel cheesy, but I think I'm realizing that is really more than I give it credit for. Maybe everything. When you are with people, you strive to connect with them; to know them. When you are alone, you can strive to know and connect to God.