Like a Brick to the Face

Life is a crazy thing. I don't think I will ever really have a handle on it.

I know where I am, and I know what I am doing. I know part of where I want to go. I don't really know where I am going though. I am a cheese maker now. I make more than a hundred kilograms of cheese three to four times a week. Everyone says that what I have, jobwise, is pretty darn sweet. And it is. They are right. Being able to legitimately say '"I'm a cheese maker" is way cooler than most other jobs you could tell people you had. I'd put it in the same category that astronaut fits under. Obviously very different, but they fit together by their otherness.

As cool as being a cheese maker is, I don't think that is where I want to be, when all is said and done. Something else has to happen before the curtain falls. I'm not sure what that is yet though. I'm working, I'm paying the bills. Most of them, anyway. I'm not satisfied. And I don't know what will bring that about. If you were to ask me why I was here, I could fumble out answers that would leave you satisfied, but if you were to ask me what I was really doing here...well, I guess I could fumble answers for that too. But they would not mean anything. I can give you surface answers. Where am I going. That is the question I could not answer you. And that drives me nuts.

I read a blog post from one of the three most influential men in my life today. None of these three know that they have been named one of the three most influential men in my life, maybe because I decided that tonight. That blog post was about vision. I think that is what I want. It's hard to strive when you don't know where you are going. It's hard to push when you feel stuck, going in circles. Vision doesn't come easy. Nothing good does. I just need it to be from God. I'm not as strong as I think I am.

Over a month ago now, we were going to go on a little road trip. In my little car. It needed a little work. That work translated into a pile of money. More than I was expecting it to be, and far more than I was ready for it to be. So, we fixed it up, and I had no money. That's an easy thing to get stuck on. Especially when you feel like people are relying on you. I'm supposed to be saving and all that junk. Getting ahead. Ha. Whenever I feel like I'm starting to get ahead, it all gets smashed by things beyond my control. I felt pretty bitter. The love of my life commented on how my car drove, and my bitterness poured from my open mouth. She didn't talk to me again until we got to her house. I hadn't realized it, but this wasn't just starting then. It had been going on for a while, and she noticed, and was tired of it.

I went home. My mind was going pretty fast. It took a while to get places though. Maybe it doesn't go as fast as I think it does. I was thinking that Jesus said somewhere that it isn't what goes into a man that makes him unclean, but what comes out of him, because what comes out of him comes from the heart. Something like that. So if my words and attitude was bitter and rotten, then my heart must be bitter and rotten too. And how do you make good again what has become rotten? I don't know any way.

I asked God to give me a new heart. Begged is a better word. I don't understand God. I don't understand how he can love me, regardless of what I do or don't do. I don't understand why he takes care of me, even when...always. Regardless. Without exception. Even though I rebel, would rather do nothing, waste my life. I'm sure he gave me a new heart. Or maybe just cleaned up the one I had. I know he does those things because he loves me. Love... I know more about it now than I ever have, but still can't fathom it. It's not an emotion. Emotions come and go like the wind. Love doesn't.

I don't understand why he would give me a new heart, and then let me slowly go back to where I was before. It's only been a month. I'm not going the direction I want to go. I'm not as strong as I think I am. I need God. I know that. Sometimes it even shows up in how I do things. Sometimes.

One of my bigger fears is that I won't be good enough. And I'm not. But, I know God is.

Water, Water everywhere...

I really want to write something. Something wonderful. Something I can feel good about, because think it is wonderful (whether it is or not). But nothing is coming right now.

One of my roommates is getting married this Saturday. That means this week is a gongshow. I crashed my car a couple weeks ago. I was pretty upset about that. Nobody got hurt, which is what is important, but I miss her. All my expensive things are female. Maggie was a good car. My fiancee thought she was a guy, and that his name was Magnus. Doesn't matter much now.

Without a car, I've taken up biking to work. It's about a 20-30 minute bike ride. Then I work outside for eight hours. Sun is nice. It's great actually. I love summer. It is hands down my favourite season. I like all the seasons, but summer is my favourite. Eight hours of sun is getting to be a little much though. I got past the burning stage though. Now I just turn browner and browner. The farmers tan is strong in this one.

The groom's family comes tonight. His parents are staying here, while his sisters are staying with the bride. I'm not crazy huge on my house being flooded with people. Especially people I don't know very well. I guess I could get used to it, if they stayed for a time that was more than a week. Turns out, the older you get, the less substantial a week seems. Now, a week seems like nothing. They manage to fit a lot into this nothing. I think the Bride's father is coming up today too, and staying here. And one of my friends is playing music for their wedding. He comes up tomorrow.

More people make me feel like a stranger in my own house, and once I'm past that, like I have to be entertaining for the duration of their stay. And I'm not really entertaining. I might actually be more annoying. Which explain why I don't think my friends like me too much by the time they are leaving after a stay. Despite all that, I wish more people would come for more time. I hate being alone. Sometimes I need it, but not as often as I have it available. I can't just drive away from it anymore.

I'm staying here to work for the summer. I'm pretty sure, anyway. The days might start being longer than 8 hours. My best beloved is going to a camp that I love for the summer. I'm going to miss her a bunch. That's why I want more people to come. They can't replace her, but maybe I won't feel so alone. She left yesterday for the night. She comes back today. I haven't had time to write here for a while. Now I do.

I don't have to worry about that yet though. So I won't

How to be a rockstar

I thought about writing something really cool and vague but deep on the topic of how to be something, which would totally tell how to do something, kind of, but would also give you a window into my life, through ridiculous intelligent and clever sentences. Alas, I have to know something before I can tell anyone how to do something... You know? I have a friend who has a blog, and I didn't know, and I found it and read it, and he is intelligent and clever. I like those words. It reinspired me to be both of them. Not that I lost inspiration. Just, sometimes, I forget.

I like adventures. I think my clever, intelligent friend should come have adventures with me. Right now, my adventures are somewhat limited. I blame Jed. I blame Jed for everything, and it just isn't right to do that. I blame work. I get up early and do my stuff, and then after I don't want to do anything. As long as I don't stop, I'm okay. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not destined to be a log planer. Not that destiny has anything to do with it. They don't really have work for me right now, so every day I work could be my last. Really messes with your motivation.

Perspective is everything though. Everything is perspective? It's easy to look at life and feel like you couldn't do it. Like you can't do it. And then you lose, game over, and take your ball and run home, but running fixes nothing, because you still only see what you want to see. Or you can fight it. Life gives you lemons. That cliche.

I don't actually know. I know perspective plays a big part in life. I know living defeated sucks.

I like adventures. When I drive at night, and no one is on the road, I think I could drive anywhere. Just drive all night. I could be in a different world by morning. I could go see anyone I wanted. I could go anywhere. I can go anywhere. Do anything. I think sometimes people get stuck, and so they dream, but they don't reach their dreams because they seem unattainable, because the dreams are future, and the people are stuck. But they aren't actually stuck.

I like the idea of setting dates. Let's get married this day. We might go crazy making it happen, but it will happen. Let's go visit that guy who left us. It's nice talk, but things don't seem to happen, in my experience, without something making it happen. Things don't happen by themselves. People don't change because they want to. They change because they have to. If they don't have to, they won't change. Want to change? Put yourself in a place where, unless you start changing now, you won't be able to handle what's coming. This is garbage. I agree with what I'm saying. But presented like this, it's garbage. I should delete it. I won't though.

I should click that monetize button. One day.

We wanted to do a worship night where we brought youth groups from around the area together. So, we puttered around for a while, and finally we set a date. And did nothing. But, as the date is coming closer, we realize we have to do something. We put things in motion that, well, they can be stopped, but that will be embarrassing.... And so we make stuff happen. Find a speaker. Youth groups. Find a band. Or maybe step up and BE a band. I don't know how that story ends yet. You can pray for it though. It's God's anyway. Right?

Maybe I should be doing something else right now.

Pumpkin pie

Sometimes I just need to write something here so I will stop thinking about stuff to write here. I plane logs now again. It doesn't take up much mental anything, so it's easy to let the mind drift. And so it does.

I thought about regrets. What if I could go back in time in my life, and live life again from that point on, with all the knowledge I have now? What if I could go back to when I was in highschool, and realized I could do anything I wanted, and actually did something instead of waiting for it to do itself? What if I wasn't scared of new situations and people because they weren't new? Man, I would do things different. Then I realized I was now. Planing logs. It weirded me out a bit. If going back, I would do things different, why don't I do the things that come now how I think I should have done them then? If that makes sense. I'll try again. I'd be friendlier and less shy, more likable if I returned to past situations. Why don't I do this with current situations? Then I thought I should write this down. But there were logs to plane... so I didn't.

But I did keep pondering it. If I did go back and get myself all skilled like in highschool, there is a really good chance I wouldn't be where I am now. Which I guess is part of why I'd want to go back and change stuff. But if I had stuff going, getting skilled and all that, would I have still gone to camp for most of the summer? And, more importantly, gone back the next summer for the whole thing? Because without camp I never met her, and without the next year our relationship never grew. And it continues to grow. If I knew going back and getting skilled made me rich, but I never met her, I don't think I would get rich. This is sounding like one of those movies, where a married guy isn't happy with life, and has a redo. Like seventeen again. Or Shrek. Kind of.

Wisdom was on my mind a bit, so I started reading proverbs. It is true that wisdom has lots to do with listening, and taking advice and rebukes to heart, but 'a word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver'. Or something like that. Even a fool is considered wise if he keeps his mouth shut. Wisdom is much more than not talking.

I'm learning (the hard way) that the easy way out is never worth it. Maybe not never. 'Never' and 'Always' should not be used in arguments. Nor should accusatory sentences. "You never listen" "You are always late" Bad. Anyway, I play a nerd game sometimes, and you can beat it, keep a skill, and then play it again, with the option to make it harder. or not. But the harder you make it, the better the rewards are. This might not all make sense. Don, my favourite author, wrote a book about story, about how good stories are about character who overcome a crisis to get what they want. That makes a good story. He went on to talk about how those same principles that make a good story can make a good life.

The harder things are, the more you want to back out. But, if you stick it through, if you overcome, you are something more afterwards. You've grown. If you run out, or give in, give up, you lose. The rewards are nothing, if they are rewards at all, compared to sticking with it. To overcoming. Check out Revelations 2-3. To him who overcomes...

It's worth it.

Ain't it something to know...

The problem with the world can't be boiled down to one problem. Can it? I guess one could try. I'm not that balzy though.

Nor am I that talksy. I went to a bible study with some guys. It was defs an older person bible study. and really small. I like small. There is nothing wrong with small. Just, when someone doesn't talk, it gets noticed. In the beginning, I disagreed heavily with what they were saying. But as I listened, they went other places that I did agree with. I was glad I held my tongue, and so continued to do so. Afterwards, one of the guys told me I was the wisest one there. Apparently wisdom doesn't speak. Or those with wisdom don't. Maybe that's true. Maybe that is why things are the way they are today.

Some things never change though. I believe men need to work. Not necessarily that they were made to work, but that they need to. Paul says if you don't work, you don't eat. I like that rule. I'll be a great parent. And even before that, with the fall, work had to be to get food. Farming is a lot of work. You can diss farmers if you want. You can also starve if you want. Since I believe I should be working, not being able to find anything is all the more frustrating. No wonder the unemployed feel so helpless. So useless.

One day, if things work out, I'll build things. I like the idea of building something. I also like the idea of getting better, at improving on what you do. It's work though. There's no such thing as a free lunch, or so I've heard. The good things in life are worth waiting for. The good things in life are worth working for. Worth living for. But still, I sit here, not really working towards anything. Unemployed people might think they are lazy too. No matter how much work they do. And no matter how little work they do, they are still tired. Bizarre? I think so.

I've heard, in some societies, they have a rite of manhood, where a boy becomes a man. After this rite, he is no longer treated like a boy, because he is a man. If they continued to treat him like a boy after he underwent that rite, he might continue to act like a boy. We don't have rites of manhood here. Now. So, boys go on being boys until they get tired of it. Some never do. Some end up being thirty, forty years old and still living in their parent's basement. And then boys meet girls and make more, who also don't learn about being men.

It's time someone grew up. Not saying people don't. I know lots of people that I shared my childhood with who are all grown. What I am saying is, it's probably time for me to grow up.

I wish I decided this years ago though.

Speeding metal things

I have some to say about these. Firstly, I think these are dangerous. Doesn't matter how you look at it. Who thought metal flying around at ridiculous speeds was a good thing? Now, the description 'Speeding metal things' can apply to a variety of objects. Like bullets. But in this episode, I am referring to automobiles. My thoughts and past encounters with them, in order.

Speeding is an interesting thing. The law says you can't go faster than this, but everybody does it anyway. I was passively against speeding before I started driving. Passively meaning, I don't think I would speed, but the next guy can do what he wants. I understood, and understand, that speeding doesn't actually get you places that much faster. And if you need to speed to get somewhere on time, well, better late than never, right? This is all great theory, and I still agree with most of it. But once I started driving, I definitely started speeding. Sometimes. When someone was right on my tail, I felt like it was rude to not go faster, and though I was relieved when someone in front of me did the speed limit so I had to too, when no one was around I still sped. I still think speeding is kind of stupid. Anyway, one of the times I was behind a speed limit car, being thankful, I had a thought. I guess it was from God, perhaps. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish which are from me or not. Looking back, none of them are clearly labeled. But I'd like to think it was from God.

The thought was that breaking the law or not shouldn't rely on what others around me are doing. If someone behind me wanted to go faster, I sped up. I didn't speed when there was a slow car in front of me, but that was it. My ability to follow the rules or not depends on me, doesn't it? Why did I let other people's actions decide what I do? So I slowed down. At the time it was voluntary, but now my hand has been forced.

On Saturday, I was driving to pick up Steph from work. So, I rounded a corner, and there was something in the road. It was a log. I almost dodged it. It went flying off the road to the right, and I pulled over. Hit the rim pretty nicely. Changed the tire. A guy pulled over to help me. Nice guy. Got it all changed, and off I go. Except poor Maggie wants to go right, all the time. Log did more damage than I thought. Sunday afternoon I got my mechanic(and only) roommate to look at it/drive it. He deems it dangerous. I went to a place to get it fixed, but they sent me to another place that I don't know the location of. It's really sketch driving in snow now. I drive really slow.

Tonight, My fiancee was in a car crash. She was going slowly, but the road was super icy and the car spun around. It's hard not to press on the brakes. They make you stop most of the time. The car hit a telephone pole on the other side of the road. Her and her sister were okay, but shaken up. When I got to the hospital, they made me wait. and wait. and wait. I was so mad. But I finally got to see her. Crashing shakes a person up a bit. The car is toast. They are okay though, and that's what matters. That's all that matters.

I heard I sermon once, or maybe it was just an announcement, or just maybe I was daydreaming in church (oops), but the thought stuck on how dangerous cars really are. It's a passive belief, and any hope it has of growing is squelched by my forced reliance on them. I don't live ten minutes walking from town anymore with a fancy bus service.

I don't like cars.

Fifths

So, this first chunk will be updating all my internet stalkers on where I am. I haven't posted here since April, and might not post again for a while. But I like that it is still here, and that I can still continue to write whatever I desire here. Beautiful.

I passed year one of Bible College. Not flying colours, but I sure didn't suck. It's like in highschool, where I could have done well if I tried. At that time,. trying seemed ridiculous. I'd rather just have fun with my friends who were there. Which I do not regret at all, because through events they left me or I left them. We are still friends, just not in the same place. So, no regrets, but at college, I tried, and I did better. Fancy that.

In May, Steph and I rocked the world. Well, not quite, but it sounds cool. We went up to Fort Saint John, because some of her family lives up there. I hadn't met them before. Before we left, the head of the family had a talk with me about being responsible and stuff like that. You're getting married? Do you have a job? How will you provide for her? Do you have a house? All very good questions. Still, I was upset. Probably most because I knew he was right. I wish he wasn't though. If he wasn't right, then maybe I would be married right now. Things would not be easier, but different things would be hard than the things that are hard now. I still wish I was more together.

We spent the summer at camp, and grew a lot. The theme was trials, which was great. I know camp is for the kids, but I'll betcha I got more out of it, and am still getting more out of it than the kids did. Life is hard, which leaves me lost and weak feeling. 'unprepared' 'irresponsible' 'not ready' 'sincere but misled'. Which make trials and hard stuff great. I can't do it. I'm not self sustaining. Independence leaves me dead. I'm not enough. I know who is though. That helps.

After camp, I went home and practicing driving lots. Tons. Not enough. I failed my N test, and was very sad. Trials, right? My dad gave me a couple books to read. One about what we do with our money(I was very skeptical, but it was actually pretty good) and one about trusting God. They might have changed how I think. I'm pretty sure everything changes how I think. I passed the test two weeks later. Barely.

Hours after passing, I had bought a car and got it insured. Woot woot. But, the car was a standard, and I didn't actually know how to drive standard. Oops. Haha. So, a friend of mine who did know how to drive standard drove with me a bit. It helped. The next morning I had breakfast with my bad and my brother before moving. I stopped off at the college on the way up. I like those guys. Arrived at my destination the next day.

I arrived on a Thursday. The monday following a guy called me with a job, which was sweet. But only two weeks long. But when it ended, he called another guy who had a job for me. Also sweet. That lasted three weeks.That's the beginning of November. A whole month of being sad and not having a job despite much searching. I hate job searching. Now we are here. I have no money, and some by the end of the month fo sho. But, I got a part time job as a sandwich artist starting on Tuesday. It's something. And I still know I'm not alone.

I don't fully know what I want to do with my life. I know I want to marry my beautiful fiancee and support her well, have a family, please God, good stuff like that. But the how I support them, I have no idea.

There have been things in my life that I have thoroughly enjoyed. Musical theatre throughout highschool, Camp, Look Out Behind You. I play a dumb game sometimes. It's great. It's lots of fun, I think. The creator and company do radio shows and stuff, and I'm nerd enough to listen to them. I find, more than playing the game, I'd rather be on their end, making it happen. But I know I wouldn't fit with them. From what I've seen, those who are putting the whatever on for the rest generally have a better time, and a tighter community. Sometimes, after I watch a movie, I like to watch the bloopers. Who doesn't? But after that, I might end up watching a commentary. Or two. Weird eh? I blame the bloopers. I see the community they have, and I want to be a part of that. Which translates to me telling myself that I want to be an actor. But even in highschool, I noticed that the teachers, faculty I should say, had their own community going too. I hoped that writing this out would clean it up in my head. Hmm.

Essentially, I decided I need to start something that does something for people who need it, and I need to do it with people. I just don't know what it is, or who it is for.