I have some to say about these. Firstly, I think these are dangerous. Doesn't matter how you look at it. Who thought metal flying around at ridiculous speeds was a good thing? Now, the description 'Speeding metal things' can apply to a variety of objects. Like bullets. But in this episode, I am referring to automobiles. My thoughts and past encounters with them, in order.
Speeding is an interesting thing. The law says you can't go faster than this, but everybody does it anyway. I was passively against speeding before I started driving. Passively meaning, I don't think I would speed, but the next guy can do what he wants. I understood, and understand, that speeding doesn't actually get you places that much faster. And if you need to speed to get somewhere on time, well, better late than never, right? This is all great theory, and I still agree with most of it. But once I started driving, I definitely started speeding. Sometimes. When someone was right on my tail, I felt like it was rude to not go faster, and though I was relieved when someone in front of me did the speed limit so I had to too, when no one was around I still sped. I still think speeding is kind of stupid. Anyway, one of the times I was behind a speed limit car, being thankful, I had a thought. I guess it was from God, perhaps. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish which are from me or not. Looking back, none of them are clearly labeled. But I'd like to think it was from God.
The thought was that breaking the law or not shouldn't rely on what others around me are doing. If someone behind me wanted to go faster, I sped up. I didn't speed when there was a slow car in front of me, but that was it. My ability to follow the rules or not depends on me, doesn't it? Why did I let other people's actions decide what I do? So I slowed down. At the time it was voluntary, but now my hand has been forced.
On Saturday, I was driving to pick up Steph from work. So, I rounded a corner, and there was something in the road. It was a log. I almost dodged it. It went flying off the road to the right, and I pulled over. Hit the rim pretty nicely. Changed the tire. A guy pulled over to help me. Nice guy. Got it all changed, and off I go. Except poor Maggie wants to go right, all the time. Log did more damage than I thought. Sunday afternoon I got my mechanic(and only) roommate to look at it/drive it. He deems it dangerous. I went to a place to get it fixed, but they sent me to another place that I don't know the location of. It's really sketch driving in snow now. I drive really slow.
Tonight, My fiancee was in a car crash. She was going slowly, but the road was super icy and the car spun around. It's hard not to press on the brakes. They make you stop most of the time. The car hit a telephone pole on the other side of the road. Her and her sister were okay, but shaken up. When I got to the hospital, they made me wait. and wait. and wait. I was so mad. But I finally got to see her. Crashing shakes a person up a bit. The car is toast. They are okay though, and that's what matters. That's all that matters.
I heard I sermon once, or maybe it was just an announcement, or just maybe I was daydreaming in church (oops), but the thought stuck on how dangerous cars really are. It's a passive belief, and any hope it has of growing is squelched by my forced reliance on them. I don't live ten minutes walking from town anymore with a fancy bus service.
I don't like cars.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Fifths
So, this first chunk will be updating all my internet stalkers on where I am. I haven't posted here since April, and might not post again for a while. But I like that it is still here, and that I can still continue to write whatever I desire here. Beautiful.
I passed year one of Bible College. Not flying colours, but I sure didn't suck. It's like in highschool, where I could have done well if I tried. At that time,. trying seemed ridiculous. I'd rather just have fun with my friends who were there. Which I do not regret at all, because through events they left me or I left them. We are still friends, just not in the same place. So, no regrets, but at college, I tried, and I did better. Fancy that.
In May, Steph and I rocked the world. Well, not quite, but it sounds cool. We went up to Fort Saint John, because some of her family lives up there. I hadn't met them before. Before we left, the head of the family had a talk with me about being responsible and stuff like that. You're getting married? Do you have a job? How will you provide for her? Do you have a house? All very good questions. Still, I was upset. Probably most because I knew he was right. I wish he wasn't though. If he wasn't right, then maybe I would be married right now. Things would not be easier, but different things would be hard than the things that are hard now. I still wish I was more together.
We spent the summer at camp, and grew a lot. The theme was trials, which was great. I know camp is for the kids, but I'll betcha I got more out of it, and am still getting more out of it than the kids did. Life is hard, which leaves me lost and weak feeling. 'unprepared' 'irresponsible' 'not ready' 'sincere but misled'. Which make trials and hard stuff great. I can't do it. I'm not self sustaining. Independence leaves me dead. I'm not enough. I know who is though. That helps.
After camp, I went home and practicing driving lots. Tons. Not enough. I failed my N test, and was very sad. Trials, right? My dad gave me a couple books to read. One about what we do with our money(I was very skeptical, but it was actually pretty good) and one about trusting God. They might have changed how I think. I'm pretty sure everything changes how I think. I passed the test two weeks later. Barely.
Hours after passing, I had bought a car and got it insured. Woot woot. But, the car was a standard, and I didn't actually know how to drive standard. Oops. Haha. So, a friend of mine who did know how to drive standard drove with me a bit. It helped. The next morning I had breakfast with my bad and my brother before moving. I stopped off at the college on the way up. I like those guys. Arrived at my destination the next day.
I arrived on a Thursday. The monday following a guy called me with a job, which was sweet. But only two weeks long. But when it ended, he called another guy who had a job for me. Also sweet. That lasted three weeks.That's the beginning of November. A whole month of being sad and not having a job despite much searching. I hate job searching. Now we are here. I have no money, and some by the end of the month fo sho. But, I got a part time job as a sandwich artist starting on Tuesday. It's something. And I still know I'm not alone.
I don't fully know what I want to do with my life. I know I want to marry my beautiful fiancee and support her well, have a family, please God, good stuff like that. But the how I support them, I have no idea.
There have been things in my life that I have thoroughly enjoyed. Musical theatre throughout highschool, Camp, Look Out Behind You. I play a dumb game sometimes. It's great. It's lots of fun, I think. The creator and company do radio shows and stuff, and I'm nerd enough to listen to them. I find, more than playing the game, I'd rather be on their end, making it happen. But I know I wouldn't fit with them. From what I've seen, those who are putting the whatever on for the rest generally have a better time, and a tighter community. Sometimes, after I watch a movie, I like to watch the bloopers. Who doesn't? But after that, I might end up watching a commentary. Or two. Weird eh? I blame the bloopers. I see the community they have, and I want to be a part of that. Which translates to me telling myself that I want to be an actor. But even in highschool, I noticed that the teachers, faculty I should say, had their own community going too. I hoped that writing this out would clean it up in my head. Hmm.
Essentially, I decided I need to start something that does something for people who need it, and I need to do it with people. I just don't know what it is, or who it is for.
I passed year one of Bible College. Not flying colours, but I sure didn't suck. It's like in highschool, where I could have done well if I tried. At that time,. trying seemed ridiculous. I'd rather just have fun with my friends who were there. Which I do not regret at all, because through events they left me or I left them. We are still friends, just not in the same place. So, no regrets, but at college, I tried, and I did better. Fancy that.
In May, Steph and I rocked the world. Well, not quite, but it sounds cool. We went up to Fort Saint John, because some of her family lives up there. I hadn't met them before. Before we left, the head of the family had a talk with me about being responsible and stuff like that. You're getting married? Do you have a job? How will you provide for her? Do you have a house? All very good questions. Still, I was upset. Probably most because I knew he was right. I wish he wasn't though. If he wasn't right, then maybe I would be married right now. Things would not be easier, but different things would be hard than the things that are hard now. I still wish I was more together.
We spent the summer at camp, and grew a lot. The theme was trials, which was great. I know camp is for the kids, but I'll betcha I got more out of it, and am still getting more out of it than the kids did. Life is hard, which leaves me lost and weak feeling. 'unprepared' 'irresponsible' 'not ready' 'sincere but misled'. Which make trials and hard stuff great. I can't do it. I'm not self sustaining. Independence leaves me dead. I'm not enough. I know who is though. That helps.
After camp, I went home and practicing driving lots. Tons. Not enough. I failed my N test, and was very sad. Trials, right? My dad gave me a couple books to read. One about what we do with our money(I was very skeptical, but it was actually pretty good) and one about trusting God. They might have changed how I think. I'm pretty sure everything changes how I think. I passed the test two weeks later. Barely.
Hours after passing, I had bought a car and got it insured. Woot woot. But, the car was a standard, and I didn't actually know how to drive standard. Oops. Haha. So, a friend of mine who did know how to drive standard drove with me a bit. It helped. The next morning I had breakfast with my bad and my brother before moving. I stopped off at the college on the way up. I like those guys. Arrived at my destination the next day.
I arrived on a Thursday. The monday following a guy called me with a job, which was sweet. But only two weeks long. But when it ended, he called another guy who had a job for me. Also sweet. That lasted three weeks.That's the beginning of November. A whole month of being sad and not having a job despite much searching. I hate job searching. Now we are here. I have no money, and some by the end of the month fo sho. But, I got a part time job as a sandwich artist starting on Tuesday. It's something. And I still know I'm not alone.
I don't fully know what I want to do with my life. I know I want to marry my beautiful fiancee and support her well, have a family, please God, good stuff like that. But the how I support them, I have no idea.
There have been things in my life that I have thoroughly enjoyed. Musical theatre throughout highschool, Camp, Look Out Behind You. I play a dumb game sometimes. It's great. It's lots of fun, I think. The creator and company do radio shows and stuff, and I'm nerd enough to listen to them. I find, more than playing the game, I'd rather be on their end, making it happen. But I know I wouldn't fit with them. From what I've seen, those who are putting the whatever on for the rest generally have a better time, and a tighter community. Sometimes, after I watch a movie, I like to watch the bloopers. Who doesn't? But after that, I might end up watching a commentary. Or two. Weird eh? I blame the bloopers. I see the community they have, and I want to be a part of that. Which translates to me telling myself that I want to be an actor. But even in highschool, I noticed that the teachers, faculty I should say, had their own community going too. I hoped that writing this out would clean it up in my head. Hmm.
Essentially, I decided I need to start something that does something for people who need it, and I need to do it with people. I just don't know what it is, or who it is for.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Objects in Space
A large portion of me frequently thinks I might be insane, or at least really, really weird. Yeah Werner, we all know that. Ha. Ha. So. Funny. The way my head works seems so ridiculous sometimes. I'm pretty old, and I still don't know how I work.
People keep telling me I am lousy at posting often. It's true. You win. Tell me it more. That's how you change things. Or, maybe, just maybe, I know it sounds crazy, but you could give me something to post about. Life as a student is highly exciting. Full of excitement. Excitement that by no means is internet worthy, and that sure is saying something. We may never know what, but it is definitely something.
I'm getting married! In September! Some people wonder why I want to marry her so fast. The bestest reason I could think of is that, once I marry her, our relationship doesn't have to be distant anymore. There are benefits to distance, like you can't do stupid things like go swing dancing together. You can't really do much together, except talk, and so we talk, and talking is great. We understand that we are different. That it won't be all roses. But, every short visit is tough because we are ripped apart again. And, until we say some vows and sign some papers in front of some witnesses, establishing a covenant with each other, that's all we have to look forward to. Distant talks and painful farewells. Sounds great, right? Sicko.
I highly enjoy Mark Hawkes classes, as I have probably said before. Almost definitely. I should read this more often. We are almost done. Just weeks left. Three and half left. So we are in Deuteronomy, because the Pentateuch is the first five books of the bible, and Deuteronomy is the last book. This must be hard reading. Well, the emphasis was how do we love God? The class has been applying things I had known before in ways that totally make sense. Why are there so many laws in the bible? Well, why do shampoo bottles say 'Do not drink'? We needed the rules. We need the rules. And the more we break them, the more we are given.
This morning was about how God loves us, and entered into a covenant with the Israelites, and then... that's what a wedding is, right? A covenant between two people? Doesn't the New testament say a few times that we are the bride of Christ? Yeah Werner, we all know that. Sure you do. Prove it. If God is wedded to us, he has shown and shows that he loves us. And if we want our union with God to last, we have to show that we love him too. Love is a choice. Sure, love can be a feeling, but when the feeling fades, you can still love. If I treated Stephanie like I treat God, she wouldn't have said yes. How do I show God that I love him?
I asked Stephanie once, how was best to show someone that you loved them, and she said, "to show someone you love them... I think it's in the way you live, it's the way you treat them when they are around, it's the way you behave when they arent around. It's making choices that you know they would smile at.. rather than cringe at. That's what I think anyways..". Sometimes I wish following God boiled down to things I could do. But, the things I am supposed to do, I do so badly at. Other times, I think it is best how it is. Even if it has to be so hard, all the time. And by so hard, I mean the same situation, over and over again. God pulled through once, can he do it again? Why is that hard?
I've discovered also, that despite my statements about being old, I am actually really young, and know almost nothing. So, I don't really mind some time learning, being built, becoming equipped, if you will. I'm not making sense anymore. Post end.
People keep telling me I am lousy at posting often. It's true. You win. Tell me it more. That's how you change things. Or, maybe, just maybe, I know it sounds crazy, but you could give me something to post about. Life as a student is highly exciting. Full of excitement. Excitement that by no means is internet worthy, and that sure is saying something. We may never know what, but it is definitely something.
I'm getting married! In September! Some people wonder why I want to marry her so fast. The bestest reason I could think of is that, once I marry her, our relationship doesn't have to be distant anymore. There are benefits to distance, like you can't do stupid things like go swing dancing together. You can't really do much together, except talk, and so we talk, and talking is great. We understand that we are different. That it won't be all roses. But, every short visit is tough because we are ripped apart again. And, until we say some vows and sign some papers in front of some witnesses, establishing a covenant with each other, that's all we have to look forward to. Distant talks and painful farewells. Sounds great, right? Sicko.
I highly enjoy Mark Hawkes classes, as I have probably said before. Almost definitely. I should read this more often. We are almost done. Just weeks left. Three and half left. So we are in Deuteronomy, because the Pentateuch is the first five books of the bible, and Deuteronomy is the last book. This must be hard reading. Well, the emphasis was how do we love God? The class has been applying things I had known before in ways that totally make sense. Why are there so many laws in the bible? Well, why do shampoo bottles say 'Do not drink'? We needed the rules. We need the rules. And the more we break them, the more we are given.
This morning was about how God loves us, and entered into a covenant with the Israelites, and then... that's what a wedding is, right? A covenant between two people? Doesn't the New testament say a few times that we are the bride of Christ? Yeah Werner, we all know that. Sure you do. Prove it. If God is wedded to us, he has shown and shows that he loves us. And if we want our union with God to last, we have to show that we love him too. Love is a choice. Sure, love can be a feeling, but when the feeling fades, you can still love. If I treated Stephanie like I treat God, she wouldn't have said yes. How do I show God that I love him?
I asked Stephanie once, how was best to show someone that you loved them, and she said, "to show someone you love them... I think it's in the way you live, it's the way you treat them when they are around, it's the way you behave when they arent around. It's making choices that you know they would smile at.. rather than cringe at. That's what I think anyways..". Sometimes I wish following God boiled down to things I could do. But, the things I am supposed to do, I do so badly at. Other times, I think it is best how it is. Even if it has to be so hard, all the time. And by so hard, I mean the same situation, over and over again. God pulled through once, can he do it again? Why is that hard?
I've discovered also, that despite my statements about being old, I am actually really young, and know almost nothing. So, I don't really mind some time learning, being built, becoming equipped, if you will. I'm not making sense anymore. Post end.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Between
Ahaha. So, I'm in between class now. Not classes, but class. Gotta love double blocks. Especially this one. Pentateuch might be my favourite course this semester. This morning, I woke up early. Not early enough to pick daffodils, but early enough to have tons of time for breakfast and even get to class early. Only to discover, someone thought pranks were funny. They moved everything in the commuter lunge into a classroom, a classroom into the lounge, and another classroom into the hallway. And they put lots of chairs in the boys washroom stalls. So, I was conscripted. These cool kid prankers also messed with the projector, and there was no power point for us this morning. Brilliant. But is was still a good class, because... Because why? Well, the plagues are really cool, and Mark is a good teachers, and it has built my expectations up high, and they haven't been let down yet. And he is the only teacher I personally elected to tell I was engaged.
Oh yeah, I'm engaged. I said I wouldn't type this story, but I have half an hour, right? Why not? Stephanie was moving to my island, so she drove down to visit me before catching a boat to my island. We didn't really know what to do while here, so we had a tour and walked around and visited Mike and Michelle. Mike said, hey, you could probably go with them. I remembered discussing why we couldn't though, so I rehashed those. Chairs-don't worry about chairs. Umm.... it's illegal. Oh. Well, we tried. However, the next day, Sunday, Mike was driving to the ferry in the morning anyway, and in the evening anyway too, so... Stephanie and company left, and I started thinking, I could totally go to my island tomorrow.
So I did. I caught an earlyish ferry, grabbed a bus, landed at a mall. And went ring shopping. Oh man. This one guy was trying to sell me things as though I had money. Yeah right. Then I hoofed it real fast to her house, wondering if I knew the right place. I knew a place, and I knew where I was going, but if I had it wrong somehow, I had no idea. But I didn't have it wrong. I got the grand tour, and then I walked her down to the mall so she would know where the mall that was really close to her was.
We got back to her place around 5, and then headed out in search of a park. I knew there were parks everywhere, but I kind of forgot where. We saw a car gate, and figured parks have car gates. Do parks have car gates? I don't know. It was not a park. I later learned that, had I just continued up the road another five minutes, we would have found a wonderful park. great view and everything. But, that didn't happen. We had found a water reservoir. and it was misty, and kind of creepy (creepy good) and there were empty lots that looked like houses belonged, but they didn't. No dogs were allowed on the reservoir, so we walked around, and found a potentially creepy path, and Stephanie wanted to walk it, because it wasn't creepy yet, because it was not dark. I said we should chill at the reservoir though. I still don't know where that path goes.
We walked into the middle of the reservoir (because we are not dogs) and I pulled out a magic twig. The day before, when she was visiting me at the school, she gave me some magic leafs that would allow me to ask her a special question, and she would have to answer, honestly and without avoidance. She had been thinking that she does that too often, and she doesn't want to. That was her purpose for the leafs, which were gross, so we ripped the leaf part off, and thus, magic twigs. So, I gave her one of those. She gave me two, but I couldn't find the other. She asked me what my question was, and I totally had one, but I was scared, so I stalled. We talked about romantic things like earthquakes and animal pee. Delish. Eventually, she didn't believe I had a question, and said she could keep the stem until I did. But I did have a question. I made her count to thirteen, and she did, since she figured we were being very silly. Do you know what happens now? No, what? I tell you what my special question is. Oh, I knew that. So, what is it?...
Nothing happened.
We walked over to a water pump thing, and then to the other side. No more stalling Werner. Okay. I told her she should sit down, close her eyes, and count to five. She said it was wet, so she didn't want to sit, and last time she counted, nothing happened. But she agreed eventually. She didn't sit down though. She counted to four, and her numbers were all over the place after that. I smiled. Her eyes were closed, so I could assume the position and bust out the ring. Yes, I got a ring. I asked her, when she was done counting, and she said yes and called me crazy and Spanish, and was very excited. That's pretty much the story, right? We walked back to her place in the dark.
We started telling people pretty quick. Some people were that, 'that's so cool!' and others were like 'okay. Congrats', and still others 'What? I didn't even know you were going out', and more recently 'Really? is it true?' Is it really that unbelievable? Recently, we put it up on facecrack. Immediately, comments were on Stephanie's side of things. Many likes. My side, nothing. There is one comment. From Stephanie. Because I kept complaining that nobody liked that I was engaged, only that she was. More people care that if I tried to bus in Vancouver, I'd get lost. Jarper even likes that. hahaha. Oh Jarper...
They shut down the internet soon, so, like it or not, this is the end of this post. Happy 100th post! haha.
Oh yeah, I'm engaged. I said I wouldn't type this story, but I have half an hour, right? Why not? Stephanie was moving to my island, so she drove down to visit me before catching a boat to my island. We didn't really know what to do while here, so we had a tour and walked around and visited Mike and Michelle. Mike said, hey, you could probably go with them. I remembered discussing why we couldn't though, so I rehashed those. Chairs-don't worry about chairs. Umm.... it's illegal. Oh. Well, we tried. However, the next day, Sunday, Mike was driving to the ferry in the morning anyway, and in the evening anyway too, so... Stephanie and company left, and I started thinking, I could totally go to my island tomorrow.
So I did. I caught an earlyish ferry, grabbed a bus, landed at a mall. And went ring shopping. Oh man. This one guy was trying to sell me things as though I had money. Yeah right. Then I hoofed it real fast to her house, wondering if I knew the right place. I knew a place, and I knew where I was going, but if I had it wrong somehow, I had no idea. But I didn't have it wrong. I got the grand tour, and then I walked her down to the mall so she would know where the mall that was really close to her was.
We got back to her place around 5, and then headed out in search of a park. I knew there were parks everywhere, but I kind of forgot where. We saw a car gate, and figured parks have car gates. Do parks have car gates? I don't know. It was not a park. I later learned that, had I just continued up the road another five minutes, we would have found a wonderful park. great view and everything. But, that didn't happen. We had found a water reservoir. and it was misty, and kind of creepy (creepy good) and there were empty lots that looked like houses belonged, but they didn't. No dogs were allowed on the reservoir, so we walked around, and found a potentially creepy path, and Stephanie wanted to walk it, because it wasn't creepy yet, because it was not dark. I said we should chill at the reservoir though. I still don't know where that path goes.
We walked into the middle of the reservoir (because we are not dogs) and I pulled out a magic twig. The day before, when she was visiting me at the school, she gave me some magic leafs that would allow me to ask her a special question, and she would have to answer, honestly and without avoidance. She had been thinking that she does that too often, and she doesn't want to. That was her purpose for the leafs, which were gross, so we ripped the leaf part off, and thus, magic twigs. So, I gave her one of those. She gave me two, but I couldn't find the other. She asked me what my question was, and I totally had one, but I was scared, so I stalled. We talked about romantic things like earthquakes and animal pee. Delish. Eventually, she didn't believe I had a question, and said she could keep the stem until I did. But I did have a question. I made her count to thirteen, and she did, since she figured we were being very silly. Do you know what happens now? No, what? I tell you what my special question is. Oh, I knew that. So, what is it?...
Nothing happened.
We walked over to a water pump thing, and then to the other side. No more stalling Werner. Okay. I told her she should sit down, close her eyes, and count to five. She said it was wet, so she didn't want to sit, and last time she counted, nothing happened. But she agreed eventually. She didn't sit down though. She counted to four, and her numbers were all over the place after that. I smiled. Her eyes were closed, so I could assume the position and bust out the ring. Yes, I got a ring. I asked her, when she was done counting, and she said yes and called me crazy and Spanish, and was very excited. That's pretty much the story, right? We walked back to her place in the dark.
We started telling people pretty quick. Some people were that, 'that's so cool!' and others were like 'okay. Congrats', and still others 'What? I didn't even know you were going out', and more recently 'Really? is it true?' Is it really that unbelievable? Recently, we put it up on facecrack. Immediately, comments were on Stephanie's side of things. Many likes. My side, nothing. There is one comment. From Stephanie. Because I kept complaining that nobody liked that I was engaged, only that she was. More people care that if I tried to bus in Vancouver, I'd get lost. Jarper even likes that. hahaha. Oh Jarper...
They shut down the internet soon, so, like it or not, this is the end of this post. Happy 100th post! haha.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
A Passive Fight
I went to chapel tonight, because it is Wednesday night, and on Wednesday night, they have a mandatory chapel service, so I went to chapel. I've been wondering things for a week now. Last week, I was also at chapel, because it was Wednesday, and... anyways, last week they had a really good chapel service. People kept talking about it over the next days. But, I don't respond as well to services as I used to, so I didn't get a super lot out of it.
See, I was younger once, and I saw other people trying that stuff, and that was the thing to do. So I did it. I tried the praying thing, lifting my hands up, laying on the ground. I laid for a long time, and as I lay there, I wondered what was supposed to be happening, and why everyone else was laying on the ground. I tried to get comfy, so maybe I was doing it wrong, but the carpet wasn't really that clean, and there are comfier places. Eventually I stopped figuring doing stuff at some emotional service with fancy lights and mood music would do anything. It has to be more about outside, in real life, right? Some guy said we had heard lots of sermons already, and that we didn't need more sermons, and I agreed. But, I think I still need something, and it never was a sermon.
Back to a week ago, I pegged it all on a guy, one of the teachers here. He is inspiring, and every class makes me what to do better. He could definitely answer my questions. However, I'm scared of opening up to him like that. I've decided I have to, but it still terrifies me. I can't seem to find the opportune moment. I didn't ask him last week. But all the things he said, about running all for God, no more half hearted crap, I wanted to ask him abouts. How does one do that? What should I do? Can anything I do make God do anything? Yes, but... it has to, doesn't it? The prayers of a righteous man move the heart of God, right?
I figure discipline would help me a lot. Stop me from doing what I shouldn't, while keeping me on the track of doing what I should. Self-control. That is one of them Spirit fruits, right? Well then. I still don't know how to get self control. I figure I learn some things by doing them, so maybe I can just control myself in small things and work up, right? Maybe. This week at chapel though was also good. I like services that don't have sermons. It looked like it was going to have been a pretty solid service, but at the end dorkface who was going to preach, and some other guy suggested he might not, decided he would conclude with his sermon. Oh dorkface. Always surprising us.
I have to wrap this up, but I realized my hero with the answers wouldn't have anymore answers than God would. If he has any at all. Why am I not coming with this to God? People always say that you just got to read your bible and pray everyday, and that makes you a Christian. It makes you whatever I am trying to be. But I've done that before and here I am, still the same, in my eyes. It's frustrating.
The problem is deeper. There are goats and there are sheeps. If you realize you are a goat, how do you become a sheep? Can a man change his heart? If he can, how? I ain't no good at surgeries. Someone popped a blood blister for me once and I got light headed and had to sit down. Embarrassing, yes, but a man's gotta do...
I don't know how to get that deep, or how to change anything if I ever got there. They say that reading that book and talking to walls helps. I don't know, but there is no harm in trying...
See, I was younger once, and I saw other people trying that stuff, and that was the thing to do. So I did it. I tried the praying thing, lifting my hands up, laying on the ground. I laid for a long time, and as I lay there, I wondered what was supposed to be happening, and why everyone else was laying on the ground. I tried to get comfy, so maybe I was doing it wrong, but the carpet wasn't really that clean, and there are comfier places. Eventually I stopped figuring doing stuff at some emotional service with fancy lights and mood music would do anything. It has to be more about outside, in real life, right? Some guy said we had heard lots of sermons already, and that we didn't need more sermons, and I agreed. But, I think I still need something, and it never was a sermon.
Back to a week ago, I pegged it all on a guy, one of the teachers here. He is inspiring, and every class makes me what to do better. He could definitely answer my questions. However, I'm scared of opening up to him like that. I've decided I have to, but it still terrifies me. I can't seem to find the opportune moment. I didn't ask him last week. But all the things he said, about running all for God, no more half hearted crap, I wanted to ask him abouts. How does one do that? What should I do? Can anything I do make God do anything? Yes, but... it has to, doesn't it? The prayers of a righteous man move the heart of God, right?
I figure discipline would help me a lot. Stop me from doing what I shouldn't, while keeping me on the track of doing what I should. Self-control. That is one of them Spirit fruits, right? Well then. I still don't know how to get self control. I figure I learn some things by doing them, so maybe I can just control myself in small things and work up, right? Maybe. This week at chapel though was also good. I like services that don't have sermons. It looked like it was going to have been a pretty solid service, but at the end dorkface who was going to preach, and some other guy suggested he might not, decided he would conclude with his sermon. Oh dorkface. Always surprising us.
I have to wrap this up, but I realized my hero with the answers wouldn't have anymore answers than God would. If he has any at all. Why am I not coming with this to God? People always say that you just got to read your bible and pray everyday, and that makes you a Christian. It makes you whatever I am trying to be. But I've done that before and here I am, still the same, in my eyes. It's frustrating.
The problem is deeper. There are goats and there are sheeps. If you realize you are a goat, how do you become a sheep? Can a man change his heart? If he can, how? I ain't no good at surgeries. Someone popped a blood blister for me once and I got light headed and had to sit down. Embarrassing, yes, but a man's gotta do...
I don't know how to get that deep, or how to change anything if I ever got there. They say that reading that book and talking to walls helps. I don't know, but there is no harm in trying...
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