I don't like who I am becoming. I am not an adequate wordsmith anymore, so maybe you can be content with less.

Freedom is equaling rebellion. I like that all the "rules" don't need to be followed. We made some of those up. What is to stop someone from breaking others that really shouldn't?

I read a little bit about this monk named brother lawerence. He thought about God all the time. He loved God, and that's what he focused on. Not what should or shouldn't be. He acted out of his love for our Father. That's cool. I'd like to do that. Why? Because I'm supposed to. Because I want to. I want to because I'm supposed to.

I'm not brother lawerence.

I tried to figure it out. What to do next. I thought I had it. I tried. And failed. Over and over. Now that doesn't matter anymore. I'm just lost. What's next? That question got me here. Does it get me out?

I don't know what is next. Or what to do next. Or if that even matters. I want to find what does matter though.