A Conversation

I like random a lot. I think if it is presented right, it can be artsy. I like artsy. and classy. But, instead of just diving in for that artsy modern effect, I'd rather be fully understood. That could be what this is for. I'm ignoring you so I can tell you what's up with me. And I can ignore you to the point of me forgetting that someone could read this, and then actually saying what really matters. If I can forget myself too. Sometimes, I don't do things because I'm scared of what I will think of me, or it. Like how an artist can be ashamed of an older masterpiece.

I don't think I really fit. In everything something is missing. It makes me so sad. I like everything. I make it happen. Even when I've decided I shouldn't. And as I continue, something is still missing. I end unsatisfied. Sometimes during, or after, or before. I know I should be doing something else, but because I don't know what that is, I don't want to stop doing what I'm doing now. I tried running a little closer to what was wrong, to see if maybe it wasn't. I understand it. It makes sense. I want it to be right. But it isn't. It's a terrible foundation.

And so, as I inadequetely said last time, I have to die. This is no good. I concluded that I am undisciplined, and that gets in the way. It's hard to make yourself disciplined. It's hard to die. And maybe what I thought was the problem wasn't really. They all only end as part of the problem. I don't have a lifeline with my computer anymore, but the problem is still here. What I have suggested to a few, but haven't done because I really don't want to although I should, probably isn't the problem. They might be steps on the way to the solution, but not the solution. They open the doors to the rooms that will lead me to the big boss at the end of the dungeon, but they aren't the boss.

Help me make these more than words. All actions start as thoughts, but not all thoughts become actions. I can't do this alone. I really can't. But I have found no one to come with me. They think it is a bad idea. I don't like the person I am while going the way I am. But I don't think I'm strong enough. Revelations says about seven times that those who overcome will be blessed. There are so many references to perseverance. These must tie in with discipline.

So, at school we were making fun of Mr. Hume
Whhait, Whhhat?
haha yeah, and I was in his class in grade nine, and that's it, and that was like, 4 years ago. So I walked up to the board and drew some mountains and said here are some mountains, and I don't doing this part because it makes me feel old. I was being funny and imitating him, but then one of the kids in hhis geography class said that he said that exact thing! I quoted Hume without knowing it!
haha. Whhat?
Whhhat? Over 9000!?!?
Haha I was waiting for someone to make that joke.
I was in programming class and we were messing about with the explosions in the bomberman game we are making, and james asked how big the explosion size should be, so I told him over 9000, so he made it 9080 or something, and like, a tiny part of the explosion was as large as the entire screen.
haha.
Hey, I was here a couple years ago, and we played worms. What version was it? I've been looking around everywhere for it, but I can't seem to find it.
Umm...I have worms armaggedon. thats the third one. There's worms, worms 2, and then worms armaggedon.
They'll have that on bittorrent?
Probably.
I still remember that time you killed my whole team with...what was it? A rocket strike?
It was probably a banana bomb, or a super banana bomb.
Haha, yeah, those are incredible. I remember one time, there were two worms in under some plants, and I through a holy hand grenade, and it blew a hole down to the water, and I who threw it died, but the other worms somehow managed to land on a leaf.
Yeah, that game is great.
Red Baron 2 is a terrible game that didn't make sense. The music and original video clips from world war one was kind of cool, but you could shoot down an allied observational balloon and get a point not get court marshalled.
Yeah, that's sketch.
Yeah, and it had no retical so you had to aim based on the other planes around and you had to look at the stuff around you, like, actually look around. And if you crashed, you would go to the hospital. If you crashed behind enemy lines, you would go to the hospital, then to prison, then have to escape.

Somehow this conversation led to how it is illegal to attack ambulances, and hospitals probably. Maybe even churches. In D-day, they bombed a town to get the Germans out, and the only thing left standing was a steeple from a church built in the 1600's. They built things well back then. Especially churches. We talked about churches for a while, before we went home. Normal conversation got that close to spirituality. I'm a little bit encouraged.

I was thinking about death. It's kind of scary. I decided that is okay though. It doesn't really last that long. I decided that what happens after death is more important. I wish I were a better wordsmith. Duh Werner, you're a christian. Of course you think what happens after death is more important. Thats not what I'm talking about though. Physically, if I died, I wouldn't mind, but everyone else probably would. What would happen? Well, everybody loves me and they would all cry because they would miss me something terrible. That's not really what I meant either though. I've been under the impression that Jesus calls us to die. Physically isn't generally the calling though. He calls us to 'die to ourselves', whatever that means. Okay. I am dead. Now what? I don't know. I have ideas, some that I think are pretty good. I'm glad this is over though.

I could make up answers. Actually, I think I have a pretty good idea.