That James guy is pretty smart. He wrote a book that's famous in some circles. He wasn't very creative though. They call it the book of James. If I wrote a book, and called it 'The Book of Werner'...Well, I don't know. That might work. But my point. In his book, he talks about how every good and perfect gift comes from God. The father of lights. I love that part. I love James. He's incredible. That's not my point either though. He said we should be wise with our tongue, or something along those lines. I suppose you could say words instead of tongue. I'm beginning to find out the hard way that James is right. I should have known. James is always right.
Yesterday, I failed at life. It was my day off. It started ridiculously early despite it being my day of relaxation. That's not really what I intended it for though. It was going to be incredible, with my room all clean and my mind map on my wall; a day I worked hard and got stuff done and could feel better afterwards. Anyway, it started with Cronk and I climbing a mountain. That's right. We climbed a mountain at 7 in the morning. You know you are jealous, and so would have rather climbed a mountain than been sleeping at that time...never mind. I got home about 8:30, and figured I should check out compy stuff. So I did. The other night I heard about a site I should have checked out, so I did. Unfortunately, it was a large site and drew me in. I sort of wanted to leave it alone, But I like finishing things too. I tried. Eventually I quit though. Then I played games. I'm such a dork.
I took my day and ruined it in nothingness. Crap. My room is still a warzone, and my mind map hasn't left my mind. Then I went and voiced some thoughts. Like here, sort of. I'd say less thought out, but it wasn't really. Maybe a little. I'm forced to think as slowly as I type. Anyway, while voicing these thoughts I went and offended one of my friends. That was a great move. Someone should give me an award. For being stupid. Darn.
But you know what's really cool? We sorted it out. Yeah! I love it when things are fixed.
I'm starting to realize that I'm pretty much on the computer whenever I should be praying. I Am close to reaching complete independence from the computer. Just enough blogs that I can count on one hand, and emails left to go. I don't don't know if all of those are cuttable though. Limited? Probably. Something about discipline. In theory, I'll continue to get better at that.
I like the songs we sing, because we can pray them. I was set loose to begin a voluntary research project, and I chose the early church. Apparently, it's supposed to be about answering a question. You've gotta know a bunch about your topic first before you can ask a good question. So I read Act and got halfway through a second book that talks about that church. I've been halfway through that book for a while now. I still don't really know anything. It said something about worship though. It said that they probably took their way of worshiping God as when they were Jews. Well...Know what I mean. In their synagogues, they worship through song, prayer, and teaching. I think that is amazing, and beautiful, and simple. Why does the church meet? For the Lord's supper, according to the book. But they worship through all those and life. I had a point. I liked the point I had. I'm sorry I lost it.
I think my heart might be broken though. Not like, the love of my life left me. Apparently I'm celebate anyway, so that will never be a problem. But it doesn't seem to work like I want it to. 'Let's pray for these people!' 'Well, okay, but I don't really care about them...' Oh dear. My Mom trying to talk to me about money. I kind of didn't care. Indifference is definitely the worst. I like that song though. Take my heart. Make it new. Make it true. Make it like you. Yeah Do It! Fix me, please!
You are supposed to learn from mistakes. Because you remember them. Because something worth remembering happened. What you didn't want to happen. That's how it works, right? Subway is terrible at telling me what to do. I went to 'apply' and was interviewed and signed up to work the next day. Figure it out by doing it. Monday, they told me to put bread in the thing. I don't know how to do bread. I sort of have an idea, but that's all observational. So I brought the bread to the thing, and was told to spray them with water. Oh, and you don't need to spray those ones. Oh, okay. So I put the bread in the thing, and forgot about it. A long time later, someone wondered how is the bread doing? Well, each loaf was about the size of two puppies. Apparently there is a timer that you definitely want to set before putting bread in the thing.
I still make some sandwiches not actually knowing how much of what goes where.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
We aren't the only show in town.
Sometimes when I'm talking to people, they start talking to someone else, and my mind goes somewhere else. Then I continue talking from where my mind went. It doesn't make physical sense how I got there, and it seems random, and they won't understand what I am talking about. But, really, details kind of bore me in some things. They make things make sense. But they aren't exciting. They are part of the story and the build up, but I don't know if I have patience for that. I want to jump up to the climax. Having explained this, I feel a little better. The flow is here. And I will tell you where I am.
The Airlock has been given an assignment as individual members, together. It is difficult to accomplish alone, as we are given it, but we are meant to do it together. This might not be making sense yet. More small things. 'The 40 day Revolution' is a book we have adapted to our youth group, and are implementing through the cell groups. It is an assignment for us to do everyday. For me. For them. Each one who participates. It is meant to be a fasting type thing, but we decided that for youth to be fasting food for forty days was a bad idea. It starts Sunday, October 28th.
We should fast something though, right? I went assuming this, and was surprised when my co-leader disagreed. It seems to lose a lot of it's impact if that is missing. We wanted to dumb it down more. We haven't even started yet and we want it easier. We want to be ready; We might not be. We want to be ready for the things God has for us. For what he has. Whatever it is, it will be intense. And if he throws surprises at us and gives something simple, like swimming in a dirty river for a while, that's okay too. This 'fasting' thing is meant to disconnect us from the life that we have in the world a bit, while drawing us more into God's life for us. Into God's life. Closer to Him. It doesn't cloister you away from the world. In fact, it challenges to you go do specific things that you would have never done if not asked. Scary things. Potentially awkward thing. Things that make you reach out. Things that will bust your comfort zone if you so choose to follow through. Choosing some activities over others doesn't seem very...solid.
On the front of the little booklet, it has a verse that said something about Jesus getting up early in the morning, before the sun rose, and praying on a mountain side. I read that, and thought that sounded great. I don't have a mountain side, but I can get up before the sun, right? Well, I decided that late one night, and let the next morning slide. Then the next morning, this would be the day. But it wasn't. Apparently I need sleep more than I know. I am sure that prayer is important to the start of things. So it should happen at the start of my day. I want to be able to do this, but I can't right now. Something needs to change. I should probably go to bed earlier. Maybe the start of my day doesn't have to be before the sun rises?
I made a list of things I could pray for. Before I complained that I had nothing to talk to God about. Now I have a list of things to ask Him. But it isn't like a grocery list. I got the base of this from adapting a thing sent out by the pastor, Pastor John, and forwarded to us through Andrew. It told us how to practically live. But I don't like vague lists of things you could do. That are really hard to do. And a list like that would be pretty impossible. And constant. Like washing dishes. It's never really finished. I took the things it told us to ask God for and made my list. Then I prayed my list. Then I made a sweet picture with my list and put it on my desktop. It was amazing. Then my Dad told me to make the lines go away. The lines were my list. I asked why, and he said he didn't like them. I reluctantly replaced the desktop. That made me a little sad.
The next couple days reminded me that I had told people I would pray for them, but really, I don't pray as much as I should. I intend to pray my list everyday though...So I should add them to my list! I did, and now I have this paper full of stuff to pray for, and would take forever to read through, let alone pray for. I don't think I can do this. But, I have a list. That must count for something.
I think I'm going to try to fast anyway. I was thinking, what should I fast? Well, probably everything I can do without. Isn't that scary? Thursday nights I watch Heroes with Michael Cronk, Christian Gowan, and Joshua Sissons. It's great. I love Heroes. I also watch the new stuff sometime late Monday night or Tuesday. But they can go on without me. And all the new stuff will still be nice and new for me when these forty days are over. I could fast gaming and such things. There are games, I have been told, that I am missing out on, and that I really should play. I haven't yet and I'm fine so far. Movies I've been told to watch. One day. Compy? Well...Completely? I'm already off msn. A different fast with a guy, completely separate from all this. In theory I could tie up most of the ends by Sunday...and if I can, I should, right? We will see.
More than the problem of what to give up is what to do with this time it should free up. I had lots of time once. And I did nothing a lot. I slept. I made myself food. I watched a season that is about 20 hours long in a week. I was a waste. I read in a book that idleness is bad. That we shouldn't be idle. That if we don't work, we shouldn't eat.
Proverbs says bad stuff about sluggards too. I guess I have a huge list I'm supposed to pray through. And a book 66 long that I could read.
I was thinking about something. On a Wednesday, there was a conversation about the other churches in the area. The denominations. About how most of our pentecostal church members are from other churches. Then, kind of accidentally and in a completely different context, not relevant to this in any way, on Friday Andrew said something of the other churches in the area. You're clever. You'll figure it out. Then Sunday kind of clicked a little. I don't even like that song much. The dumb break dividing walls song. Like, I guess it's an okay song, with a good idea. But it is always played intentionally. With an agenda I might say. It isn't a song to be a song, so I don't like it. But, there are a lot of churches in this area. And maybe, we could send people to them? Revive them?
Christian is an evangelist. He works at the anglican church. He says that, as an evangelist, he shouldn't be working inside the walls of the church, but outside of the church. And, as he an evangelist, I agree. We have people to go bring Jesus out to the world, if the world will take it. But could we, these churches here, work at this together? I don't know how to get there, but maybe we could start something. I'm pretty sure something is already started. It would be foolhardy to think I was the first.
I kind of want to start seeing how things are going with the other churches here. Maybe I can do something. Maybe we can change something. Maybe.
By the way, Thrice has a new album out. It is incredible. Go listen to it. http://www.myspace.com/thrice
And the lyrics are powerful too. Look them up.
The Airlock has been given an assignment as individual members, together. It is difficult to accomplish alone, as we are given it, but we are meant to do it together. This might not be making sense yet. More small things. 'The 40 day Revolution' is a book we have adapted to our youth group, and are implementing through the cell groups. It is an assignment for us to do everyday. For me. For them. Each one who participates. It is meant to be a fasting type thing, but we decided that for youth to be fasting food for forty days was a bad idea. It starts Sunday, October 28th.
We should fast something though, right? I went assuming this, and was surprised when my co-leader disagreed. It seems to lose a lot of it's impact if that is missing. We wanted to dumb it down more. We haven't even started yet and we want it easier. We want to be ready; We might not be. We want to be ready for the things God has for us. For what he has. Whatever it is, it will be intense. And if he throws surprises at us and gives something simple, like swimming in a dirty river for a while, that's okay too. This 'fasting' thing is meant to disconnect us from the life that we have in the world a bit, while drawing us more into God's life for us. Into God's life. Closer to Him. It doesn't cloister you away from the world. In fact, it challenges to you go do specific things that you would have never done if not asked. Scary things. Potentially awkward thing. Things that make you reach out. Things that will bust your comfort zone if you so choose to follow through. Choosing some activities over others doesn't seem very...solid.
On the front of the little booklet, it has a verse that said something about Jesus getting up early in the morning, before the sun rose, and praying on a mountain side. I read that, and thought that sounded great. I don't have a mountain side, but I can get up before the sun, right? Well, I decided that late one night, and let the next morning slide. Then the next morning, this would be the day. But it wasn't. Apparently I need sleep more than I know. I am sure that prayer is important to the start of things. So it should happen at the start of my day. I want to be able to do this, but I can't right now. Something needs to change. I should probably go to bed earlier. Maybe the start of my day doesn't have to be before the sun rises?
I made a list of things I could pray for. Before I complained that I had nothing to talk to God about. Now I have a list of things to ask Him. But it isn't like a grocery list. I got the base of this from adapting a thing sent out by the pastor, Pastor John, and forwarded to us through Andrew. It told us how to practically live. But I don't like vague lists of things you could do. That are really hard to do. And a list like that would be pretty impossible. And constant. Like washing dishes. It's never really finished. I took the things it told us to ask God for and made my list. Then I prayed my list. Then I made a sweet picture with my list and put it on my desktop. It was amazing. Then my Dad told me to make the lines go away. The lines were my list. I asked why, and he said he didn't like them. I reluctantly replaced the desktop. That made me a little sad.
The next couple days reminded me that I had told people I would pray for them, but really, I don't pray as much as I should. I intend to pray my list everyday though...So I should add them to my list! I did, and now I have this paper full of stuff to pray for, and would take forever to read through, let alone pray for. I don't think I can do this. But, I have a list. That must count for something.
I think I'm going to try to fast anyway. I was thinking, what should I fast? Well, probably everything I can do without. Isn't that scary? Thursday nights I watch Heroes with Michael Cronk, Christian Gowan, and Joshua Sissons. It's great. I love Heroes. I also watch the new stuff sometime late Monday night or Tuesday. But they can go on without me. And all the new stuff will still be nice and new for me when these forty days are over. I could fast gaming and such things. There are games, I have been told, that I am missing out on, and that I really should play. I haven't yet and I'm fine so far. Movies I've been told to watch. One day. Compy? Well...Completely? I'm already off msn. A different fast with a guy, completely separate from all this. In theory I could tie up most of the ends by Sunday...and if I can, I should, right? We will see.
More than the problem of what to give up is what to do with this time it should free up. I had lots of time once. And I did nothing a lot. I slept. I made myself food. I watched a season that is about 20 hours long in a week. I was a waste. I read in a book that idleness is bad. That we shouldn't be idle. That if we don't work, we shouldn't eat.
Proverbs says bad stuff about sluggards too. I guess I have a huge list I'm supposed to pray through. And a book 66 long that I could read.
I was thinking about something. On a Wednesday, there was a conversation about the other churches in the area. The denominations. About how most of our pentecostal church members are from other churches. Then, kind of accidentally and in a completely different context, not relevant to this in any way, on Friday Andrew said something of the other churches in the area. You're clever. You'll figure it out. Then Sunday kind of clicked a little. I don't even like that song much. The dumb break dividing walls song. Like, I guess it's an okay song, with a good idea. But it is always played intentionally. With an agenda I might say. It isn't a song to be a song, so I don't like it. But, there are a lot of churches in this area. And maybe, we could send people to them? Revive them?
Christian is an evangelist. He works at the anglican church. He says that, as an evangelist, he shouldn't be working inside the walls of the church, but outside of the church. And, as he an evangelist, I agree. We have people to go bring Jesus out to the world, if the world will take it. But could we, these churches here, work at this together? I don't know how to get there, but maybe we could start something. I'm pretty sure something is already started. It would be foolhardy to think I was the first.
I kind of want to start seeing how things are going with the other churches here. Maybe I can do something. Maybe we can change something. Maybe.
By the way, Thrice has a new album out. It is incredible. Go listen to it. http://www.myspace.com/thrice
And the lyrics are powerful too. Look them up.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Start here ----x
I feel like I could be on the edge of something huge. One more step and everything could change. Do you feel like that? What if God showed us things if we only paid attention? I used to pray to God, asking for Him to be clear if he ever spoke to me, because if He wasn't, I probably wouldn't catch it. In English class, you read a story and are asked to find the theme. Maybe. Amongst other stuff. Maybe there are themes in life that come and go? Well, there are, but maybe God could be saying something through them. Saying words is dangerous. You're supposed to back them up. Here we go anyways.
I am involved in stuff at the church. I help with the children's ministry that we are launching new and fresh. I help with youth. I attend young adults. I attend a cell group for Catalyst youth. I also attend a cell group of some of the church members. And then I go to church. That's a lot of stuff. It's good. I'm not trying to brag. I just want you to know where I get some of this stuff from. When I mention these, you can say okay, I sort of know what he is talking about.
The kids program has taken the name of our most recent vbs, Reach. Sunday mornings is run through a kidmo thing. That's okay. So far, I have only been in meetings for that...I don't like those meetings either. But once a month, we hang out with the kids for a couple hours for the evening. Always on a Tuesday. The theme there is prayer, which is sweet because prayer is great, and I don't do it nearly enough. We get kids to write prayers in a book, and over time we will look back and see prayers answered. I decided, for that part, that I was a kid. Then I was disappointed when I discovered I had to give the book back at the end of the night. I'm gonna write so much more in that book when I get it back. Oh man. It's supposed to be for the kids... Lead by example? oh dear...
Catalyst youth is also focused on prayer right now. Sort of. Because Andrew is. He reads this...Whatever. Here is my mind window, and other people don't stop thoughts, do they? Andrew's wife is having a baby! Isn't that sweet? I love babies...But they are all scared of me. Andrew and Nelia went and had some regular tests done, and discovered that the baby might not be as healthy as they hoped. Now they are praying harder than they ever prayed before, and taking lots of people with them. Which is great. I wish I was there. With that much prayer surrounding it, God is guaranteed to be there. Andrew said that disaster will drive you to your knees, but it won't keep you there. Even before this happened, Andrew was talking about how prayer should be more than a thing we do, but a part of us. I agree, and wish I could draw what that looks like. Catalyst youth is fairly new. We changed our name, are downstairs, and are launching it all off in prayer.
I tried to pray a bunch a while back. I would lay there in my bed and try talking to God...and then realize I have nothing to say and fall asleep. Maybe I needed sleep more than prayer? No...err...I heard someone talk about something like that once. Marcel talked about how we needed to start small. Practice praying. Pray for a couple minutes a day. Then maybe five minutes the next week. Ten minutes, building up to the level of prayer warrior, praying for hours at a time. I'm not too grand at practicing stuff though. I might lack self discipline.
The Airlock, the Catalyst youth cell group I lead/attend, is going to do this pretty cool thing. Or, Jon Bryden is going to do this cool thing and bring it to the group where we can share in it. He is going to research on the promises God makes to us in the Bible, and then we can pray God's promises. This excites me. No excuse of having nothing to say. Maybe it will help me pray again. At the youth group, a couple ladies who pray for us came in and said some things about prayer. One said to pray the scriptures. That it was powerful. I believe it.
I have more to say, and hope to tell you. We are on the edge of something huge. Let me tell you about the fictional character of Peter Petrelli. He was a hospice nurse. He had dreams that he could fly. Then he flew, and did some more incredible stuff. He found someone who knew about this stuff and had even written a book about it. He quit his job, and even though everyone thought he was a fool, he pursued this thing. He gave up his life to try to figure out what was going on.
I want to be like that. Wouldn't that rock? So now, what if prayer is the first step for everything? New stuff is popping up, and prayer is the focus. The foundation? How possible is it to be like that? Well, let's break down a standard week for me and see what it looks like.
Let's function in hours. One week is comprised of 168 hours. Say I sleep 8 hours a night. That's the recommended amount, right? 8x7=56. 168-56=112. Okay. Then let's say I work 40 hours a week, even though I don't. 112-40=72. Then, church for 3 hours on Sunday, Airlock for 3 hours Monday, Young Adults for 3 hours Tuesday, Church group for 3 hours Wednesday, Heroes for 3 hours Thursday, and Youth for 6 hours Friday. darn...I should probably cut back. 7x3=21. 72-21=51. So even with all the stuff, there are about 50 hours a week that I don't really have anything better to do in. Sure, there is eating, and bathroom stuff, but the doesn't affect it too much. I probably should have broken down what I do a long time ago.
I don't want to stop, but I work in 7 hours and am definitely not getting 8 hours of sleep tonight.
I am involved in stuff at the church. I help with the children's ministry that we are launching new and fresh. I help with youth. I attend young adults. I attend a cell group for Catalyst youth. I also attend a cell group of some of the church members. And then I go to church. That's a lot of stuff. It's good. I'm not trying to brag. I just want you to know where I get some of this stuff from. When I mention these, you can say okay, I sort of know what he is talking about.
The kids program has taken the name of our most recent vbs, Reach. Sunday mornings is run through a kidmo thing. That's okay. So far, I have only been in meetings for that...I don't like those meetings either. But once a month, we hang out with the kids for a couple hours for the evening. Always on a Tuesday. The theme there is prayer, which is sweet because prayer is great, and I don't do it nearly enough. We get kids to write prayers in a book, and over time we will look back and see prayers answered. I decided, for that part, that I was a kid. Then I was disappointed when I discovered I had to give the book back at the end of the night. I'm gonna write so much more in that book when I get it back. Oh man. It's supposed to be for the kids... Lead by example? oh dear...
Catalyst youth is also focused on prayer right now. Sort of. Because Andrew is. He reads this...Whatever. Here is my mind window, and other people don't stop thoughts, do they? Andrew's wife is having a baby! Isn't that sweet? I love babies...But they are all scared of me. Andrew and Nelia went and had some regular tests done, and discovered that the baby might not be as healthy as they hoped. Now they are praying harder than they ever prayed before, and taking lots of people with them. Which is great. I wish I was there. With that much prayer surrounding it, God is guaranteed to be there. Andrew said that disaster will drive you to your knees, but it won't keep you there. Even before this happened, Andrew was talking about how prayer should be more than a thing we do, but a part of us. I agree, and wish I could draw what that looks like. Catalyst youth is fairly new. We changed our name, are downstairs, and are launching it all off in prayer.
I tried to pray a bunch a while back. I would lay there in my bed and try talking to God...and then realize I have nothing to say and fall asleep. Maybe I needed sleep more than prayer? No...err...I heard someone talk about something like that once. Marcel talked about how we needed to start small. Practice praying. Pray for a couple minutes a day. Then maybe five minutes the next week. Ten minutes, building up to the level of prayer warrior, praying for hours at a time. I'm not too grand at practicing stuff though. I might lack self discipline.
The Airlock, the Catalyst youth cell group I lead/attend, is going to do this pretty cool thing. Or, Jon Bryden is going to do this cool thing and bring it to the group where we can share in it. He is going to research on the promises God makes to us in the Bible, and then we can pray God's promises. This excites me. No excuse of having nothing to say. Maybe it will help me pray again. At the youth group, a couple ladies who pray for us came in and said some things about prayer. One said to pray the scriptures. That it was powerful. I believe it.
I have more to say, and hope to tell you. We are on the edge of something huge. Let me tell you about the fictional character of Peter Petrelli. He was a hospice nurse. He had dreams that he could fly. Then he flew, and did some more incredible stuff. He found someone who knew about this stuff and had even written a book about it. He quit his job, and even though everyone thought he was a fool, he pursued this thing. He gave up his life to try to figure out what was going on.
I want to be like that. Wouldn't that rock? So now, what if prayer is the first step for everything? New stuff is popping up, and prayer is the focus. The foundation? How possible is it to be like that? Well, let's break down a standard week for me and see what it looks like.
Let's function in hours. One week is comprised of 168 hours. Say I sleep 8 hours a night. That's the recommended amount, right? 8x7=56. 168-56=112. Okay. Then let's say I work 40 hours a week, even though I don't. 112-40=72. Then, church for 3 hours on Sunday, Airlock for 3 hours Monday, Young Adults for 3 hours Tuesday, Church group for 3 hours Wednesday, Heroes for 3 hours Thursday, and Youth for 6 hours Friday. darn...I should probably cut back. 7x3=21. 72-21=51. So even with all the stuff, there are about 50 hours a week that I don't really have anything better to do in. Sure, there is eating, and bathroom stuff, but the doesn't affect it too much. I probably should have broken down what I do a long time ago.
I don't want to stop, but I work in 7 hours and am definitely not getting 8 hours of sleep tonight.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
This is the Airlock
I'd like to think I have a decent memory. But what is the point? You can't go back really, and God sort of as his own plans that always blow away everything that was. I like how things were. Turn back the clock. But it only goes forwards, into the unknown...
Sometimes, I have this feeling in my chest. I can't describe it well, as you shouldn't ask me to, as guys are bad at talking about their feelings, right? I've always attributed it to being God. On occasion I wonder if maybe there is just something dreadfully wrong in my chest, and this feeling is the only sign of it, and I decided it was God instead of this terrible thing that will kill me. But then I figure, it should hurt if there was something wrong. So I continue to think this feeling is God. I thought at one point it might have been from singing during worship, and it just did something weird to my lungs. Or my left lung. Maybe it's all psychological. Whatever it is, I've been feeling it a lot more recently.
Transparent is something worth being I hear, at least with who I like to be with. I'm bad at it though, like with conversations in general. I don't really give straight answers. This annoys some people. As it should. But they will have to wait until I talk about what I think and feel and believe, here. And then they have to find it.
I went to a retreat. A man said some things. He said we should live in freedom. He said freedom was the ability and power to choose to do what is right. He said miracles will happen when we obey God, and listen to Him, and are willing to work hard with Him. This was intriguing. I'd like to see miracles today. Why? Well, probably the wrong reasons. Which is why they might not happen for a while. After this retreat, I was convinced that Subway was a cage, hindering my freedom. You all know what I think of that place.
I walked and listened and prayed for a while. I decided I should quit and go work with my Dad. My friend suggested this. I asked my Dad and he said sure. The benefits would be outstanding. I would learn how to make houses, how to drive potentially, have better hours maybe, get to know my Dad. Later that night, my parents decided to say I should try somewhere else. That I should talk to this guy who works at the Mary Winspear center. It's a place were they have art shows and gun shows and musicals and plays and host some retreats. It has a tower outside of it that has lights on it that you can see from the top of Horth Hill. The guy who works there works with lights. I said, okay. I was saddened. My Father didn't want me to work with him. I convinced myself that it would still be good.
Subway had taught me to ask what should I be doing. Cause really, I have no clue. I thought maybe that was all it had to teach me. I was ready to move on. The guy would teach me how to work the lights. If I knew how to work these, maybe that would help with the youth group one day. And that guy is supposed to install the sound for the church upstairs so we can move that stuff downstairs. I saw that guy today. I was working. I couldn't really talk, because there was a rush. For a long time. He was with my friend, Kyle. That makes me happy. Kyle was always good with that stuff. Does he need me anymore then? There would be no point in quitting unless I had another job lined up. Otherwise I would go back to doing nothing, and I read in the Bible that idleness is bad. 'If a man doesn't work, he shouldn't eat', or something like that.
While at work, I asked them for a couple days off. And they reworked the schedule to make it work. They have so few people. The owner asked me about five times if I had any friends I could bring in. Now, if I left them after so short a time, I would feel bad. Maybe it isn't so bad.
I went to one of the church's cell groups tonight. It is the church's, so there are older people there. People I don't really relate to. But they try, and that's important. I zone out when they talk. I feel kind of bad. They were talking about money and sacrificial giving though. If I gave all the money I made to the church, I would have sacrificed nothing, because I live at home with my Mommy and my Daddy, and I can ask them to buy me what I want every once in a while. Maria asked me what I thought and I told her this. She said the motive was more important. I'm bad with motives though.
On Monday, Bryden said that he thought he read a verse that said whoever mediated on God's words in the morning and at night would be successful in whatever they do. He thought he read it in Matthew. He thought there was a third time too. So, for a couple days I have read the Bible in the morning, afternoon, and before I go to bed. Meditate and read probably aren't the same thing. But why am I doing this? Because I want to be successful in whatever I do. I'm going through Matthew. I wanna see if I can find it in there. Everything is nothing without love. That is what the motive should be, right? Sometimes, I think I missed that.
At the retreat, I was sort of skeptical in the worship for a while. Mosh pits are at concerts. Why do we have kids amassing in front of the stage and jumping around. They look so silly. And I'll become even more undignified than this... oh dear. I never joined them. But eventually I let them go. To each his own. And I let God have my worship songs. The first day at the retreat, I wondered why we gathered together to worship alone. I'm not singing songs for you; I'm singing them for God. And a little bit because I like my voice.
Sometimes I think I am the opposite of what I am supposed to be. Like, I don't think I'm supposed to work at Subway. I feel somewhat disconnected. I guess most kids out of school might feel like that. But I don't think I've really been in touch with my emotions. Despite this, I'm beginning to believe that they are a central part of who I am. I feel silly saying that. Duuhh, of course they are. I enjoy making people laugh. Laughter is good, in most cases. I believe God can be in laughter. It can be bad too though. I want to bring laughter that has God in it. I think that would be a good thing to do.
Ivo told a story. It was about a guy who had a Ph.D and was working, but his Ph.D didn't help his job really. But everybody loved this guy. He worked hard. He was a pleasure to work with. He challenged the pastorate exam, or something like that, and aced it. They asked what books he used, and who his teacher was. The Bible. Jesus. Bam. They said that this guy is a great example, or ideal. I think that guy is who I want to be. Even before I heard that story.
I'd like to think that I connected with God at that retreat. Either something is wrong in my chest or God is there lots more. Do motives correct themselves? I hope they could. If they just led to God, then everything could change... I guess forward doesn't have to be bad.
Sometimes, I have this feeling in my chest. I can't describe it well, as you shouldn't ask me to, as guys are bad at talking about their feelings, right? I've always attributed it to being God. On occasion I wonder if maybe there is just something dreadfully wrong in my chest, and this feeling is the only sign of it, and I decided it was God instead of this terrible thing that will kill me. But then I figure, it should hurt if there was something wrong. So I continue to think this feeling is God. I thought at one point it might have been from singing during worship, and it just did something weird to my lungs. Or my left lung. Maybe it's all psychological. Whatever it is, I've been feeling it a lot more recently.
Transparent is something worth being I hear, at least with who I like to be with. I'm bad at it though, like with conversations in general. I don't really give straight answers. This annoys some people. As it should. But they will have to wait until I talk about what I think and feel and believe, here. And then they have to find it.
I went to a retreat. A man said some things. He said we should live in freedom. He said freedom was the ability and power to choose to do what is right. He said miracles will happen when we obey God, and listen to Him, and are willing to work hard with Him. This was intriguing. I'd like to see miracles today. Why? Well, probably the wrong reasons. Which is why they might not happen for a while. After this retreat, I was convinced that Subway was a cage, hindering my freedom. You all know what I think of that place.
I walked and listened and prayed for a while. I decided I should quit and go work with my Dad. My friend suggested this. I asked my Dad and he said sure. The benefits would be outstanding. I would learn how to make houses, how to drive potentially, have better hours maybe, get to know my Dad. Later that night, my parents decided to say I should try somewhere else. That I should talk to this guy who works at the Mary Winspear center. It's a place were they have art shows and gun shows and musicals and plays and host some retreats. It has a tower outside of it that has lights on it that you can see from the top of Horth Hill. The guy who works there works with lights. I said, okay. I was saddened. My Father didn't want me to work with him. I convinced myself that it would still be good.
Subway had taught me to ask what should I be doing. Cause really, I have no clue. I thought maybe that was all it had to teach me. I was ready to move on. The guy would teach me how to work the lights. If I knew how to work these, maybe that would help with the youth group one day. And that guy is supposed to install the sound for the church upstairs so we can move that stuff downstairs. I saw that guy today. I was working. I couldn't really talk, because there was a rush. For a long time. He was with my friend, Kyle. That makes me happy. Kyle was always good with that stuff. Does he need me anymore then? There would be no point in quitting unless I had another job lined up. Otherwise I would go back to doing nothing, and I read in the Bible that idleness is bad. 'If a man doesn't work, he shouldn't eat', or something like that.
While at work, I asked them for a couple days off. And they reworked the schedule to make it work. They have so few people. The owner asked me about five times if I had any friends I could bring in. Now, if I left them after so short a time, I would feel bad. Maybe it isn't so bad.
I went to one of the church's cell groups tonight. It is the church's, so there are older people there. People I don't really relate to. But they try, and that's important. I zone out when they talk. I feel kind of bad. They were talking about money and sacrificial giving though. If I gave all the money I made to the church, I would have sacrificed nothing, because I live at home with my Mommy and my Daddy, and I can ask them to buy me what I want every once in a while. Maria asked me what I thought and I told her this. She said the motive was more important. I'm bad with motives though.
On Monday, Bryden said that he thought he read a verse that said whoever mediated on God's words in the morning and at night would be successful in whatever they do. He thought he read it in Matthew. He thought there was a third time too. So, for a couple days I have read the Bible in the morning, afternoon, and before I go to bed. Meditate and read probably aren't the same thing. But why am I doing this? Because I want to be successful in whatever I do. I'm going through Matthew. I wanna see if I can find it in there. Everything is nothing without love. That is what the motive should be, right? Sometimes, I think I missed that.
At the retreat, I was sort of skeptical in the worship for a while. Mosh pits are at concerts. Why do we have kids amassing in front of the stage and jumping around. They look so silly. And I'll become even more undignified than this... oh dear. I never joined them. But eventually I let them go. To each his own. And I let God have my worship songs. The first day at the retreat, I wondered why we gathered together to worship alone. I'm not singing songs for you; I'm singing them for God. And a little bit because I like my voice.
Sometimes I think I am the opposite of what I am supposed to be. Like, I don't think I'm supposed to work at Subway. I feel somewhat disconnected. I guess most kids out of school might feel like that. But I don't think I've really been in touch with my emotions. Despite this, I'm beginning to believe that they are a central part of who I am. I feel silly saying that. Duuhh, of course they are. I enjoy making people laugh. Laughter is good, in most cases. I believe God can be in laughter. It can be bad too though. I want to bring laughter that has God in it. I think that would be a good thing to do.
Ivo told a story. It was about a guy who had a Ph.D and was working, but his Ph.D didn't help his job really. But everybody loved this guy. He worked hard. He was a pleasure to work with. He challenged the pastorate exam, or something like that, and aced it. They asked what books he used, and who his teacher was. The Bible. Jesus. Bam. They said that this guy is a great example, or ideal. I think that guy is who I want to be. Even before I heard that story.
I'd like to think that I connected with God at that retreat. Either something is wrong in my chest or God is there lots more. Do motives correct themselves? I hope they could. If they just led to God, then everything could change... I guess forward doesn't have to be bad.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Milk
Welcome to the nightmare you wished for. Not really, but everyone else said you should want this. And it made sense. You should want this. There isn't really any other way. Well, not that we know of. Not that you know of. You had to. You got mad at those who didn't give it to you. Others felt sorry that you didn't have it. And now you do. Lucky you.
Everyone asks if you like it. They congratulate you. You hate it. You want out. It traps you. You tell yourself that this is a good thing. You are responsible. You are a good citizen. You are doing something with your life. Look at all those good things.
You are dieing. Disconnected. Wasted. You think that maybe if someone else had given this to you, it might have been different. You might have been able to endure. But when you sit and think about it, you know it would have been the same. This is a cage you were tricked into entering. You have chained yourself to it, and trapped inside, there is no escape. This is why they want you to get an education, and go to school, and do something real with your life instead of sitting around and working for a year. In hell.
My name is Werner Schmidt and I am a sandwich artist. I die so you can eat a sandwich. As you might have been able to tell, I am happily employed. This may have been influenced from reading something someone wrote about aging recently. I think I share his sentiments.
I got a song stuck in my head.
Sunny days keepin' the clouds away
I think we're coming to a clearing and a brighter day
So far away. Still I think they say
The wait will make the heart grow stronger or fonder
I can't quite remember anyway
So if you're waitin' for love
Well it's a promise I'll keep
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter
Winter, Spring... is what love can truly bring
Ice turns to water, water flows to everything
You can lose your mind, maybe then your heart you'll find
I hope you won't give up what's moving you inside
If the car won't start, when you turn the key
When the music comes on, all your cold, cold heart can do is skip a beat
It's a promise I'll keep
When you're waitin' for love
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter
Just the chorus though. I enjoy the chorus. Much better than that radio station that tries to be cool and hip and punk and are really annoying. I'm sorry. I'm really not together right now.
I'm being separated from my obsession. My mind is distraught. It feels like I am being unplugged. From my friends. From my obsession. From God. It's unfortunate he isn't my obsession. I blame work. Before I felt close to something. Like I was where I should have been. I was an appliance, with my plug close enough to the outlet the sparks were flying across between us. But then I was taken away. You could make a decent analogy from that.
I am obsessed with Heroes. If it were as easy to be obsessed with God as it is to watch tv...oh man. I can't stop talking about it. I think about it at least once a day. I tell everyone to the point of being annoying, until someone says shut up, and then I feel bad, and keep almost referring to it, but I can't because they don't really wanna know. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could be crazy for Jesus like that? I watched the first season in about three days, split up. 23 episodes. 40-50 minutes each. I intend to go back and view the audio commentaries. I really can't get enough, and then realize how sad I must sound. Heroes will end one day. What will I do then?
I go to a cell group of older people now. The spy cells, even though I'm not supposed to call them that anymore, of the church. They talk about the service from Sunday. They meet every Wednesday. I started going the week after they had their potluck. They told me they didn't have food every week. I told them I knew that. They sing and pray and talk. And I zone out and dream while they talk. About nothing really. I almost enter that state between awake and sleeping. That's when your brains goes nuts and when you wake up you are so confused. None of that happened. Yeah, okay, except for that part. No, that didn't happen. Oh...well, what was it. Maybe we can go back one day. Maybe...except I can't remember.
Is that bad? Should I be trying to focus and think and contribute somehow? Sometimes, I lack opinions. Most times. If I have one, but wasn't confident enough to share it, I come home and write it here, where I can't see you laughing at me. I sound dreadfully insecure. But that's okay. I might be. I don't know.
Jesus loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong. They are weak but he is strong.
Jesus loves me, he who died. Heaven's gates to open wide. He will wash away my sin. Let this little child come in.
Christianity is supposed to be simple. I read a book that says we try to avoid saying that we understand Christianity. If we do get it, why aren't we doing it? So we make buildings and schools and seminaries and say I don't get it yet, but I'm getting closer. We complicate it as an excuse for not doing it. If it is so friggin simple, why can't I do it?
I am so annoyed.
Everyone asks if you like it. They congratulate you. You hate it. You want out. It traps you. You tell yourself that this is a good thing. You are responsible. You are a good citizen. You are doing something with your life. Look at all those good things.
You are dieing. Disconnected. Wasted. You think that maybe if someone else had given this to you, it might have been different. You might have been able to endure. But when you sit and think about it, you know it would have been the same. This is a cage you were tricked into entering. You have chained yourself to it, and trapped inside, there is no escape. This is why they want you to get an education, and go to school, and do something real with your life instead of sitting around and working for a year. In hell.
My name is Werner Schmidt and I am a sandwich artist. I die so you can eat a sandwich. As you might have been able to tell, I am happily employed. This may have been influenced from reading something someone wrote about aging recently. I think I share his sentiments.
I got a song stuck in my head.
Sunny days keepin' the clouds away
I think we're coming to a clearing and a brighter day
So far away. Still I think they say
The wait will make the heart grow stronger or fonder
I can't quite remember anyway
So if you're waitin' for love
Well it's a promise I'll keep
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter
Winter, Spring... is what love can truly bring
Ice turns to water, water flows to everything
You can lose your mind, maybe then your heart you'll find
I hope you won't give up what's moving you inside
If the car won't start, when you turn the key
When the music comes on, all your cold, cold heart can do is skip a beat
It's a promise I'll keep
When you're waitin' for love
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter
Just the chorus though. I enjoy the chorus. Much better than that radio station that tries to be cool and hip and punk and are really annoying. I'm sorry. I'm really not together right now.
I'm being separated from my obsession. My mind is distraught. It feels like I am being unplugged. From my friends. From my obsession. From God. It's unfortunate he isn't my obsession. I blame work. Before I felt close to something. Like I was where I should have been. I was an appliance, with my plug close enough to the outlet the sparks were flying across between us. But then I was taken away. You could make a decent analogy from that.
I am obsessed with Heroes. If it were as easy to be obsessed with God as it is to watch tv...oh man. I can't stop talking about it. I think about it at least once a day. I tell everyone to the point of being annoying, until someone says shut up, and then I feel bad, and keep almost referring to it, but I can't because they don't really wanna know. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could be crazy for Jesus like that? I watched the first season in about three days, split up. 23 episodes. 40-50 minutes each. I intend to go back and view the audio commentaries. I really can't get enough, and then realize how sad I must sound. Heroes will end one day. What will I do then?
I go to a cell group of older people now. The spy cells, even though I'm not supposed to call them that anymore, of the church. They talk about the service from Sunday. They meet every Wednesday. I started going the week after they had their potluck. They told me they didn't have food every week. I told them I knew that. They sing and pray and talk. And I zone out and dream while they talk. About nothing really. I almost enter that state between awake and sleeping. That's when your brains goes nuts and when you wake up you are so confused. None of that happened. Yeah, okay, except for that part. No, that didn't happen. Oh...well, what was it. Maybe we can go back one day. Maybe...except I can't remember.
Is that bad? Should I be trying to focus and think and contribute somehow? Sometimes, I lack opinions. Most times. If I have one, but wasn't confident enough to share it, I come home and write it here, where I can't see you laughing at me. I sound dreadfully insecure. But that's okay. I might be. I don't know.
Jesus loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong. They are weak but he is strong.
Jesus loves me, he who died. Heaven's gates to open wide. He will wash away my sin. Let this little child come in.
Christianity is supposed to be simple. I read a book that says we try to avoid saying that we understand Christianity. If we do get it, why aren't we doing it? So we make buildings and schools and seminaries and say I don't get it yet, but I'm getting closer. We complicate it as an excuse for not doing it. If it is so friggin simple, why can't I do it?
I am so annoyed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)