I almost drowned today.

A couple days ago, I day camp started for some kids, so us leaders met together and did some devotions to keep us tight with God. Groovy. We were told to find a fear that we have. To talk about it for a minute or two. I don't think about that a lot, so it took a bit, it ending up with me saying rejection. I almost thought it might have just been thrown out there to satisfy the demand. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. A few weeks ago, I told someone I was bad at doing stuff alone, like getting jobs or maybe even a girlfriend. I don't want one right now, but if I did, I would be bad at it. I was when I did. But it makes more sense to say that I'm bad at stuff because I'm scared of rejection. You don't have to worry about being rejected with your friends, or with a church group, unless you have sex as a teen, so you wouldn't really have to worry about rejection. It almost isn't even an option. But if out of this comfort zone, you're paralyzed with this fear, or just rendered useless, how can you adequately serve God? In 1 John it says that 'perfect love drives out fear'. In the group we said,'hey, what people think doesn't really matter in that regard. God loves me, so who cares if they don't?' Maybe, God can just deal with it for me.

A few years ago, I used to think that I wasn't really a person. I was just bits and pieces of other people around me, smashed all together. Like Frankenstein's monster. I think I'm my own person now. But I was having a good conversation, and the other described a combination of three people he thought could perhaps replace him when he left. It's an interesting idea. If you hang out with someone long enough, you become a bit of them, and they start to look a little more like you. In their person. That's probably why it's such a good idea to hang out with God so much. Character rubs off. I think I would probably be...

Really annoyed at television. Anywhere in my house. You can hear it. All the time. I really don't like it. It's distracting and loud and pointless. Satan-vision, as I heard a hero of mine call it once.

Wouldn't it be handy if we could stay up all the time? Didn't need sleep. Wouldn't we be so efficient? Well, considering how we use our time now, probably not. Spend days doing nothing. Yes, and then we can stay up for our nights, also doing nothing. I enjoy sleeping, and wouldn't pass it up for nothing. I don't think hanging out with friends is nothing. But I think most of my time spent with them might be wasted. Good conversations might be one of the best things around. I don't have a lot of them. Mostly because I don't have much knowledge of anything to talk about. The price of not having a passion. I guess it might also be because good conversations could go places we don't want to. I like them though. I think I want to have more of them.

Most of this blog is a badly repeated collage of good conversations I've had recently. So you should either recognize some of this blog from something said recently, live far away from me, or are due for a good conversation.

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I'm so happy right now. If I could play music, I would make a song right now. Unfortunately I can't think right now, so the song would be restricted to different variations of the first sentence. Hee hee. I recommend hot apple cider.

I've been thinking recently about people. I may have already told you how God loves people. God loves you, and me. I should love you like God loves you. But I'm loving something that you might not consider you. Define person. That's what matters. Person. People. Not the corpses we walk in now. I'm not adequately expressing what I want to. Think about it for a while, and you will probably know what I'm trying to say.

I went to a drama thing this morning. It wasn't really educational, but they are starting up a youth group. They are getting a name. Relatively new youth pastor. Just like my youth group. A little. The youth group is brand new. They've had the kids, just not the group. The youth pastor is brand new. Hot off the press, figuring it all out. Eventually. Forgive me for viewing it a bit like a game. It almost is. I think I got rid of a girlfriend by seeing life as a game, and letting her in on my perspective. Haha. Oops.

Worship is another thought. I like the worship that happens at youth groups. It's intense, and fun. But worship doesn't work the same alone. You can't worship God the same way. Everything we do is supposed to be worship. I don't understand that yet. I might not for a long time. That's okay. I'll stay here, and stay open, and one day, in good time, I won't understand it still. But I won't need too. That's just how it'll work. That might be a little too optimistic.

You can't be with friends all the time. You physically can't, and they probably wouldn't want to be near you for that long. And you can't be alone with God all the time. So what if you put the two together to build your entire life? That doesn't work. There is something missing. Sometimes I wish I had a passion, like music or sports or something like that. Then I would...I don't know. It probably wouldn't make me any better at talking. That's okay. I'll find something. I can wait.