I like random a lot. I think if it is presented right, it can be artsy. I like artsy. and classy. But, instead of just diving in for that artsy modern effect, I'd rather be fully understood. That could be what this is for. I'm ignoring you so I can tell you what's up with me. And I can ignore you to the point of me forgetting that someone could read this, and then actually saying what really matters. If I can forget myself too. Sometimes, I don't do things because I'm scared of what I will think of me, or it. Like how an artist can be ashamed of an older masterpiece.
I don't think I really fit. In everything something is missing. It makes me so sad. I like everything. I make it happen. Even when I've decided I shouldn't. And as I continue, something is still missing. I end unsatisfied. Sometimes during, or after, or before. I know I should be doing something else, but because I don't know what that is, I don't want to stop doing what I'm doing now. I tried running a little closer to what was wrong, to see if maybe it wasn't. I understand it. It makes sense. I want it to be right. But it isn't. It's a terrible foundation.
And so, as I inadequetely said last time, I have to die. This is no good. I concluded that I am undisciplined, and that gets in the way. It's hard to make yourself disciplined. It's hard to die. And maybe what I thought was the problem wasn't really. They all only end as part of the problem. I don't have a lifeline with my computer anymore, but the problem is still here. What I have suggested to a few, but haven't done because I really don't want to although I should, probably isn't the problem. They might be steps on the way to the solution, but not the solution. They open the doors to the rooms that will lead me to the big boss at the end of the dungeon, but they aren't the boss.
Help me make these more than words. All actions start as thoughts, but not all thoughts become actions. I can't do this alone. I really can't. But I have found no one to come with me. They think it is a bad idea. I don't like the person I am while going the way I am. But I don't think I'm strong enough. Revelations says about seven times that those who overcome will be blessed. There are so many references to perseverance. These must tie in with discipline.
So, at school we were making fun of Mr. Hume
Whhait, Whhhat?
haha yeah, and I was in his class in grade nine, and that's it, and that was like, 4 years ago. So I walked up to the board and drew some mountains and said here are some mountains, and I don't doing this part because it makes me feel old. I was being funny and imitating him, but then one of the kids in hhis geography class said that he said that exact thing! I quoted Hume without knowing it!
haha. Whhat?
Whhhat? Over 9000!?!?
Haha I was waiting for someone to make that joke.
I was in programming class and we were messing about with the explosions in the bomberman game we are making, and james asked how big the explosion size should be, so I told him over 9000, so he made it 9080 or something, and like, a tiny part of the explosion was as large as the entire screen.
haha.
Hey, I was here a couple years ago, and we played worms. What version was it? I've been looking around everywhere for it, but I can't seem to find it.
Umm...I have worms armaggedon. thats the third one. There's worms, worms 2, and then worms armaggedon.
They'll have that on bittorrent?
Probably.
I still remember that time you killed my whole team with...what was it? A rocket strike?
It was probably a banana bomb, or a super banana bomb.
Haha, yeah, those are incredible. I remember one time, there were two worms in under some plants, and I through a holy hand grenade, and it blew a hole down to the water, and I who threw it died, but the other worms somehow managed to land on a leaf.
Yeah, that game is great.
Red Baron 2 is a terrible game that didn't make sense. The music and original video clips from world war one was kind of cool, but you could shoot down an allied observational balloon and get a point not get court marshalled.
Yeah, that's sketch.
Yeah, and it had no retical so you had to aim based on the other planes around and you had to look at the stuff around you, like, actually look around. And if you crashed, you would go to the hospital. If you crashed behind enemy lines, you would go to the hospital, then to prison, then have to escape.
Somehow this conversation led to how it is illegal to attack ambulances, and hospitals probably. Maybe even churches. In D-day, they bombed a town to get the Germans out, and the only thing left standing was a steeple from a church built in the 1600's. They built things well back then. Especially churches. We talked about churches for a while, before we went home. Normal conversation got that close to spirituality. I'm a little bit encouraged.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
| I was thinking about death. It's kind of scary. I decided that is okay though. It doesn't really last that long. I decided that what happens after death is more important. I wish I were a better wordsmith. Duh Werner, you're a christian. Of course you think what happens after death is more important. Thats not what I'm talking about though. Physically, if I died, I wouldn't mind, but everyone else probably would. What would happen? Well, everybody loves me and they would all cry because they would miss me something terrible. That's not really what I meant either though. I've been under the impression that Jesus calls us to die. Physically isn't generally the calling though. He calls us to 'die to ourselves', whatever that means. Okay. I am dead. Now what? I don't know. I have ideas, some that I think are pretty good. I'm glad this is over though. |
I could make up answers. Actually, I think I have a pretty good idea. |
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Praying songs
I have a good reason for this slip. Or, a good excuse. Several actually. I think it is better if I don't tell you what they are though.
My mind has been blown by simple questions lately. I spend a lot of time at subway. Someone asked me why I went there. Well, I'm employed there, but why? I had no good answer, so I shut my mouth.
I asked my Mom what she thought about the money thing. I reasoned that if we are supposed to give sacrificially, and have no expenses, then I should give all the money I have? We sing a bunch about how we will give God everything. So my Mom asked 'if you gave all your money, would it be a sacrifice?'. You would think so, but then I thought about it, and I don't really need it that much. It just kind of sits there. I guess that's part of why I wanted to try to find somewhere for it to go now.
I found a place for it to go later though. I talked to Ali about ywam, and she said ,yeah you should totally go. Where? Where I went was good. Or you could go to Colorado. Well, I kind of liked Europe better, but England wasn't shouting my name. I said I would look it up, so I did. And decided England wouldn't be so bad.
Recently I've been wanting to get away. Just from here. Not my house; I'm almost never here anyway, but this whole town. There is nothing wrong with it. I've been here for as long as I can remember. And now I want to go.
This place will still be lovely and beautiful, and I can come back one day and talk with those who are still here and go over the 'remember when's and laugh together. It will be wonderful.
More people I know should come to Subway. Eat fresh, or else.
2 Corinthians is such a weird book. It doesn't seem to fit. At all. It's like they were going through Paul's letters...'hmm, well that's all we should take' 'what about this one?' 'nope, that one isn't necessary' but then the other guy put it in the pile anyway. It isn't that bad. If fact, it seems to be some of the source for the beliefs we have today. But...it felt weird reading.
I'm realizing that my life is an example. Isn't that scary? I'm pretty sure I'm not example worthy.
I broke my computer fast in a day...that's a great example. Okay. Let's try again.
I want to tell you about Jesus trees first. They grow in your heart when the Spirit plants his seed. I like them. I like the term. Jesus trees. That is all.
My mind has been blown by simple questions lately. I spend a lot of time at subway. Someone asked me why I went there. Well, I'm employed there, but why? I had no good answer, so I shut my mouth.
I asked my Mom what she thought about the money thing. I reasoned that if we are supposed to give sacrificially, and have no expenses, then I should give all the money I have? We sing a bunch about how we will give God everything. So my Mom asked 'if you gave all your money, would it be a sacrifice?'. You would think so, but then I thought about it, and I don't really need it that much. It just kind of sits there. I guess that's part of why I wanted to try to find somewhere for it to go now.
I found a place for it to go later though. I talked to Ali about ywam, and she said ,yeah you should totally go. Where? Where I went was good. Or you could go to Colorado. Well, I kind of liked Europe better, but England wasn't shouting my name. I said I would look it up, so I did. And decided England wouldn't be so bad.
Recently I've been wanting to get away. Just from here. Not my house; I'm almost never here anyway, but this whole town. There is nothing wrong with it. I've been here for as long as I can remember. And now I want to go.
This place will still be lovely and beautiful, and I can come back one day and talk with those who are still here and go over the 'remember when's and laugh together. It will be wonderful.
More people I know should come to Subway. Eat fresh, or else.
2 Corinthians is such a weird book. It doesn't seem to fit. At all. It's like they were going through Paul's letters...'hmm, well that's all we should take' 'what about this one?' 'nope, that one isn't necessary' but then the other guy put it in the pile anyway. It isn't that bad. If fact, it seems to be some of the source for the beliefs we have today. But...it felt weird reading.
I'm realizing that my life is an example. Isn't that scary? I'm pretty sure I'm not example worthy.
I broke my computer fast in a day...that's a great example. Okay. Let's try again.
I want to tell you about Jesus trees first. They grow in your heart when the Spirit plants his seed. I like them. I like the term. Jesus trees. That is all.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Lighting up the World
If I stop now, that means we made it almost 7 months. That's a good run, right? I mean, you could ask why, but I think I have decent reasons. It gets in the way. It's a distraction. I really don't have time to throw away.
Sometimes, I wish I would be okay with just writing a line. Just one. And that could be all. I think some of them could stand alone quite well. Yeah.
I think I work too much. I feel like a border in my home. Boarder? Whichever. I don't see my family anymore. But they seem to like me more. They don't get mad at me, and are always smiling. Well, as far as I see.
Let's think this thought again. God asks us to give sacrificially. If you have no expenses, would giving sacrificially look like giving everything? All dollars and time? People tell me to save my money. Ok. That's not too hard. But then people talk of not hoarding stuff. Of taking what the Lord gives you as he gives it. Not hoarding. Not saving? I like to think I'm still a kid, and with that, I will say I don't know enough to figure that out. I'll ask my Mom. She knows everything.
If I wrote this 6 hours ago, this would be drastically different. It would have been a rant on how people are stupid. And, I think they are. In general. I know I shouldn't think like that. I also think I am incredible. I thought that was a good thing to think. My self esteem is good and up there. That's important, right? Teens should have good self esteem or they go downhill. I'm starting to think that being incredible isn't worth it if this is all it is. Maybe, once I see myself as not worth it, and God as where everything is at, then incredible will be what it should be.
40 day revolution of prayer. That is what I say I'm doing. I'm really bad at it. I should take my own advice. I told them not to worry about catching up when they missed some, just carry on. It builds up, and I don't do things once they build up. Too much. I won't touch it. That's not my problem though. Shifting of Focus. Again. The 'of prayer' is the most important part. The activities are trivial in comparison.
It's encouraging to know that other people are doing it with you. I know I'm doing it in a group, and everyone in it is doing it with me, but I doubt they are doing much better than I am. An older couple, who are incredible, said they were doing it with us and praying for us. And you know that they are. I felt encouraged. It feels like a second wind.
That care group is almost cheating, I think. They have so many core church members. Maybe there is a correlation. I might insist that there is. I found the heart of the church. Or part of it.
I think I'm going to go away soon. That's what I want to do. I'll stay in Canada I think. I want to go make my own stories. This isn't for quite a while yet though. Maybe a couple years. It's great having so much time to change your mind. I love it.
Everything is connected. But that might not matter.
If you are going to email me, don't. Call me. Or, if you live far far away, email me, then email someone else to tell them to tell me to check my email.
I'm going to write in my paper book instead, because I love paper.
Sometimes, I wish I would be okay with just writing a line. Just one. And that could be all. I think some of them could stand alone quite well. Yeah.
I think I work too much. I feel like a border in my home. Boarder? Whichever. I don't see my family anymore. But they seem to like me more. They don't get mad at me, and are always smiling. Well, as far as I see.
Let's think this thought again. God asks us to give sacrificially. If you have no expenses, would giving sacrificially look like giving everything? All dollars and time? People tell me to save my money. Ok. That's not too hard. But then people talk of not hoarding stuff. Of taking what the Lord gives you as he gives it. Not hoarding. Not saving? I like to think I'm still a kid, and with that, I will say I don't know enough to figure that out. I'll ask my Mom. She knows everything.
If I wrote this 6 hours ago, this would be drastically different. It would have been a rant on how people are stupid. And, I think they are. In general. I know I shouldn't think like that. I also think I am incredible. I thought that was a good thing to think. My self esteem is good and up there. That's important, right? Teens should have good self esteem or they go downhill. I'm starting to think that being incredible isn't worth it if this is all it is. Maybe, once I see myself as not worth it, and God as where everything is at, then incredible will be what it should be.
40 day revolution of prayer. That is what I say I'm doing. I'm really bad at it. I should take my own advice. I told them not to worry about catching up when they missed some, just carry on. It builds up, and I don't do things once they build up. Too much. I won't touch it. That's not my problem though. Shifting of Focus. Again. The 'of prayer' is the most important part. The activities are trivial in comparison.
It's encouraging to know that other people are doing it with you. I know I'm doing it in a group, and everyone in it is doing it with me, but I doubt they are doing much better than I am. An older couple, who are incredible, said they were doing it with us and praying for us. And you know that they are. I felt encouraged. It feels like a second wind.
That care group is almost cheating, I think. They have so many core church members. Maybe there is a correlation. I might insist that there is. I found the heart of the church. Or part of it.
I think I'm going to go away soon. That's what I want to do. I'll stay in Canada I think. I want to go make my own stories. This isn't for quite a while yet though. Maybe a couple years. It's great having so much time to change your mind. I love it.
Everything is connected. But that might not matter.
If you are going to email me, don't. Call me. Or, if you live far far away, email me, then email someone else to tell them to tell me to check my email.
I'm going to write in my paper book instead, because I love paper.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Bubblyub
I don't like my titles. Ignore them all. They don't belong there. I will continue to put them there, because it doesn't look right without them here, but when I look back, I don't like them. My reflection of these is negative. But that's okay, because I'm still reflecting. I don't know where to start for you. I will attempt to let you have it all though.
I've decided the radio isn't so bad. It's free music, and a large selection I would guess. Yeah.
I went to Abbotsford this weekend. I went expecting it to be like something, only better. Like an amazing retreat, but better because there is no speaker, and amazing stuff happens all the time. It didn't feel like that there. But now, my head is going to explode from so many thoughts.
I think I'm going to try to figure out what I want. Once I know that, then maybe I will go. I can make decisions in this light. I can make decisions.
I definitely think I am going to school somewhere next year. Then I thought about that a little more. I don't like homework at all. And where would I end up? I don't wanna go to Uvic. Or Camosun. Maybe they are okay, but I think they are boring. I wanna go somewhere else. I don't think I want to go Summit either though. I guess it could be tolerable, but... I think a lot comes with it that I might not have asked for if I go there. I'm thinking ywam might be decent.
I can talk to Ali about that I guess.
I don't like board games anymore either. We played some for a couple hours. Cronk asked if he was having fun. I told him he was, but I don't think I was really having fun either. I think these games and movies are a waste of time in general. If they are anything useful, they are tools used towards social interaction. As is this, I guess. Except, this is nothing compared to real people. Real people rock.
The college has two different types of people. Uber friendly outgoing people, and super introverted people. Talk to everyone, or talk to no one. Clearly this is exaggerated a little bit. Everybody has some friends. Sometimes I wish I was one of the more outgoing ones. I wish I didn't have to wish things. That would mean I'm content in whatever I'm in. That would rock. I enjoy rocking.
Don't sing quietly. If you are going to sing, belt it out. You might sound better. Or I might. I'm sorry. That might sound mean, and I didn't mean to do that. I know that confidence does wonders. I wish I was more confident. More wishes. Then we could sing together and be amazing. Spectacular. Epic. Legends.
In the church we went to, the guy read the children a story out of a book about an oak tree. When he let them go back to their seats, he told them that he saw greatness in all of them. Okay. So if everybody is great, why do we have people living mediocre? My Mommy says I'm going to do great things one day. Do everybody's mommies say that to them?
Next time you are on the ferry, and the announcement in the beginning is going, stand up in front of one of the doors where all the seats are, at the front or back, whichever it is, and starting acting out what the announcement is saying. Like a flight attendant. And you don't have to be accurate. Have fun. And maybe you'll meet someone. New friends are excellent.
I was thinking about girls. Apparently, I'm celibate, which means I get to have lots of fun and awkward moments. So, since I enjoy that, we will pretend what I am telling you happened a while ago. I was thinking about the girl I like. Not really about her though. I got stuck on the word 'the'. If there is one girl, then everything rides on that. Rejection is crippling. I don't think girls quite get this. But that's okay.
What about all the other girls? If you are pretty much committed to one, can't you treat all the other ones like...I don't know. Apparently it isn't right to treat girls like guys. So how are you supposed to treat them? Chivalry? Well, I like people to be nice to me too, so why should that stop with girls? Okay, so I should be like a servant. The pastor and Bible and Jesus already said this. This doesn't help though. Why should girls be treated differently? And if they are, what is the difference?
There was a conversation had, and it concluded with someone saying that girls and guys couldn't be just friends. Not really.
Apparently a career or job should be you giving something that you possess that other people want. I tried thinking of skills I have that other people want. That didn't go well. But that's okay. I'm still trying to figure out want I want.
I've decided the radio isn't so bad. It's free music, and a large selection I would guess. Yeah.
I went to Abbotsford this weekend. I went expecting it to be like something, only better. Like an amazing retreat, but better because there is no speaker, and amazing stuff happens all the time. It didn't feel like that there. But now, my head is going to explode from so many thoughts.
I think I'm going to try to figure out what I want. Once I know that, then maybe I will go. I can make decisions in this light. I can make decisions.
I definitely think I am going to school somewhere next year. Then I thought about that a little more. I don't like homework at all. And where would I end up? I don't wanna go to Uvic. Or Camosun. Maybe they are okay, but I think they are boring. I wanna go somewhere else. I don't think I want to go Summit either though. I guess it could be tolerable, but... I think a lot comes with it that I might not have asked for if I go there. I'm thinking ywam might be decent.
I can talk to Ali about that I guess.
I don't like board games anymore either. We played some for a couple hours. Cronk asked if he was having fun. I told him he was, but I don't think I was really having fun either. I think these games and movies are a waste of time in general. If they are anything useful, they are tools used towards social interaction. As is this, I guess. Except, this is nothing compared to real people. Real people rock.
The college has two different types of people. Uber friendly outgoing people, and super introverted people. Talk to everyone, or talk to no one. Clearly this is exaggerated a little bit. Everybody has some friends. Sometimes I wish I was one of the more outgoing ones. I wish I didn't have to wish things. That would mean I'm content in whatever I'm in. That would rock. I enjoy rocking.
Don't sing quietly. If you are going to sing, belt it out. You might sound better. Or I might. I'm sorry. That might sound mean, and I didn't mean to do that. I know that confidence does wonders. I wish I was more confident. More wishes. Then we could sing together and be amazing. Spectacular. Epic. Legends.
In the church we went to, the guy read the children a story out of a book about an oak tree. When he let them go back to their seats, he told them that he saw greatness in all of them. Okay. So if everybody is great, why do we have people living mediocre? My Mommy says I'm going to do great things one day. Do everybody's mommies say that to them?
Next time you are on the ferry, and the announcement in the beginning is going, stand up in front of one of the doors where all the seats are, at the front or back, whichever it is, and starting acting out what the announcement is saying. Like a flight attendant. And you don't have to be accurate. Have fun. And maybe you'll meet someone. New friends are excellent.
I was thinking about girls. Apparently, I'm celibate, which means I get to have lots of fun and awkward moments. So, since I enjoy that, we will pretend what I am telling you happened a while ago. I was thinking about the girl I like. Not really about her though. I got stuck on the word 'the'. If there is one girl, then everything rides on that. Rejection is crippling. I don't think girls quite get this. But that's okay.
What about all the other girls? If you are pretty much committed to one, can't you treat all the other ones like...I don't know. Apparently it isn't right to treat girls like guys. So how are you supposed to treat them? Chivalry? Well, I like people to be nice to me too, so why should that stop with girls? Okay, so I should be like a servant. The pastor and Bible and Jesus already said this. This doesn't help though. Why should girls be treated differently? And if they are, what is the difference?
There was a conversation had, and it concluded with someone saying that girls and guys couldn't be just friends. Not really.
Apparently a career or job should be you giving something that you possess that other people want. I tried thinking of skills I have that other people want. That didn't go well. But that's okay. I'm still trying to figure out want I want.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Apagar
That James guy is pretty smart. He wrote a book that's famous in some circles. He wasn't very creative though. They call it the book of James. If I wrote a book, and called it 'The Book of Werner'...Well, I don't know. That might work. But my point. In his book, he talks about how every good and perfect gift comes from God. The father of lights. I love that part. I love James. He's incredible. That's not my point either though. He said we should be wise with our tongue, or something along those lines. I suppose you could say words instead of tongue. I'm beginning to find out the hard way that James is right. I should have known. James is always right.
Yesterday, I failed at life. It was my day off. It started ridiculously early despite it being my day of relaxation. That's not really what I intended it for though. It was going to be incredible, with my room all clean and my mind map on my wall; a day I worked hard and got stuff done and could feel better afterwards. Anyway, it started with Cronk and I climbing a mountain. That's right. We climbed a mountain at 7 in the morning. You know you are jealous, and so would have rather climbed a mountain than been sleeping at that time...never mind. I got home about 8:30, and figured I should check out compy stuff. So I did. The other night I heard about a site I should have checked out, so I did. Unfortunately, it was a large site and drew me in. I sort of wanted to leave it alone, But I like finishing things too. I tried. Eventually I quit though. Then I played games. I'm such a dork.
I took my day and ruined it in nothingness. Crap. My room is still a warzone, and my mind map hasn't left my mind. Then I went and voiced some thoughts. Like here, sort of. I'd say less thought out, but it wasn't really. Maybe a little. I'm forced to think as slowly as I type. Anyway, while voicing these thoughts I went and offended one of my friends. That was a great move. Someone should give me an award. For being stupid. Darn.
But you know what's really cool? We sorted it out. Yeah! I love it when things are fixed.
I'm starting to realize that I'm pretty much on the computer whenever I should be praying. I Am close to reaching complete independence from the computer. Just enough blogs that I can count on one hand, and emails left to go. I don't don't know if all of those are cuttable though. Limited? Probably. Something about discipline. In theory, I'll continue to get better at that.
I like the songs we sing, because we can pray them. I was set loose to begin a voluntary research project, and I chose the early church. Apparently, it's supposed to be about answering a question. You've gotta know a bunch about your topic first before you can ask a good question. So I read Act and got halfway through a second book that talks about that church. I've been halfway through that book for a while now. I still don't really know anything. It said something about worship though. It said that they probably took their way of worshiping God as when they were Jews. Well...Know what I mean. In their synagogues, they worship through song, prayer, and teaching. I think that is amazing, and beautiful, and simple. Why does the church meet? For the Lord's supper, according to the book. But they worship through all those and life. I had a point. I liked the point I had. I'm sorry I lost it.
I think my heart might be broken though. Not like, the love of my life left me. Apparently I'm celebate anyway, so that will never be a problem. But it doesn't seem to work like I want it to. 'Let's pray for these people!' 'Well, okay, but I don't really care about them...' Oh dear. My Mom trying to talk to me about money. I kind of didn't care. Indifference is definitely the worst. I like that song though. Take my heart. Make it new. Make it true. Make it like you. Yeah Do It! Fix me, please!
You are supposed to learn from mistakes. Because you remember them. Because something worth remembering happened. What you didn't want to happen. That's how it works, right? Subway is terrible at telling me what to do. I went to 'apply' and was interviewed and signed up to work the next day. Figure it out by doing it. Monday, they told me to put bread in the thing. I don't know how to do bread. I sort of have an idea, but that's all observational. So I brought the bread to the thing, and was told to spray them with water. Oh, and you don't need to spray those ones. Oh, okay. So I put the bread in the thing, and forgot about it. A long time later, someone wondered how is the bread doing? Well, each loaf was about the size of two puppies. Apparently there is a timer that you definitely want to set before putting bread in the thing.
I still make some sandwiches not actually knowing how much of what goes where.
Yesterday, I failed at life. It was my day off. It started ridiculously early despite it being my day of relaxation. That's not really what I intended it for though. It was going to be incredible, with my room all clean and my mind map on my wall; a day I worked hard and got stuff done and could feel better afterwards. Anyway, it started with Cronk and I climbing a mountain. That's right. We climbed a mountain at 7 in the morning. You know you are jealous, and so would have rather climbed a mountain than been sleeping at that time...never mind. I got home about 8:30, and figured I should check out compy stuff. So I did. The other night I heard about a site I should have checked out, so I did. Unfortunately, it was a large site and drew me in. I sort of wanted to leave it alone, But I like finishing things too. I tried. Eventually I quit though. Then I played games. I'm such a dork.
I took my day and ruined it in nothingness. Crap. My room is still a warzone, and my mind map hasn't left my mind. Then I went and voiced some thoughts. Like here, sort of. I'd say less thought out, but it wasn't really. Maybe a little. I'm forced to think as slowly as I type. Anyway, while voicing these thoughts I went and offended one of my friends. That was a great move. Someone should give me an award. For being stupid. Darn.
But you know what's really cool? We sorted it out. Yeah! I love it when things are fixed.
I'm starting to realize that I'm pretty much on the computer whenever I should be praying. I Am close to reaching complete independence from the computer. Just enough blogs that I can count on one hand, and emails left to go. I don't don't know if all of those are cuttable though. Limited? Probably. Something about discipline. In theory, I'll continue to get better at that.
I like the songs we sing, because we can pray them. I was set loose to begin a voluntary research project, and I chose the early church. Apparently, it's supposed to be about answering a question. You've gotta know a bunch about your topic first before you can ask a good question. So I read Act and got halfway through a second book that talks about that church. I've been halfway through that book for a while now. I still don't really know anything. It said something about worship though. It said that they probably took their way of worshiping God as when they were Jews. Well...Know what I mean. In their synagogues, they worship through song, prayer, and teaching. I think that is amazing, and beautiful, and simple. Why does the church meet? For the Lord's supper, according to the book. But they worship through all those and life. I had a point. I liked the point I had. I'm sorry I lost it.
I think my heart might be broken though. Not like, the love of my life left me. Apparently I'm celebate anyway, so that will never be a problem. But it doesn't seem to work like I want it to. 'Let's pray for these people!' 'Well, okay, but I don't really care about them...' Oh dear. My Mom trying to talk to me about money. I kind of didn't care. Indifference is definitely the worst. I like that song though. Take my heart. Make it new. Make it true. Make it like you. Yeah Do It! Fix me, please!
You are supposed to learn from mistakes. Because you remember them. Because something worth remembering happened. What you didn't want to happen. That's how it works, right? Subway is terrible at telling me what to do. I went to 'apply' and was interviewed and signed up to work the next day. Figure it out by doing it. Monday, they told me to put bread in the thing. I don't know how to do bread. I sort of have an idea, but that's all observational. So I brought the bread to the thing, and was told to spray them with water. Oh, and you don't need to spray those ones. Oh, okay. So I put the bread in the thing, and forgot about it. A long time later, someone wondered how is the bread doing? Well, each loaf was about the size of two puppies. Apparently there is a timer that you definitely want to set before putting bread in the thing.
I still make some sandwiches not actually knowing how much of what goes where.
Monday, October 22, 2007
We aren't the only show in town.
Sometimes when I'm talking to people, they start talking to someone else, and my mind goes somewhere else. Then I continue talking from where my mind went. It doesn't make physical sense how I got there, and it seems random, and they won't understand what I am talking about. But, really, details kind of bore me in some things. They make things make sense. But they aren't exciting. They are part of the story and the build up, but I don't know if I have patience for that. I want to jump up to the climax. Having explained this, I feel a little better. The flow is here. And I will tell you where I am.
The Airlock has been given an assignment as individual members, together. It is difficult to accomplish alone, as we are given it, but we are meant to do it together. This might not be making sense yet. More small things. 'The 40 day Revolution' is a book we have adapted to our youth group, and are implementing through the cell groups. It is an assignment for us to do everyday. For me. For them. Each one who participates. It is meant to be a fasting type thing, but we decided that for youth to be fasting food for forty days was a bad idea. It starts Sunday, October 28th.
We should fast something though, right? I went assuming this, and was surprised when my co-leader disagreed. It seems to lose a lot of it's impact if that is missing. We wanted to dumb it down more. We haven't even started yet and we want it easier. We want to be ready; We might not be. We want to be ready for the things God has for us. For what he has. Whatever it is, it will be intense. And if he throws surprises at us and gives something simple, like swimming in a dirty river for a while, that's okay too. This 'fasting' thing is meant to disconnect us from the life that we have in the world a bit, while drawing us more into God's life for us. Into God's life. Closer to Him. It doesn't cloister you away from the world. In fact, it challenges to you go do specific things that you would have never done if not asked. Scary things. Potentially awkward thing. Things that make you reach out. Things that will bust your comfort zone if you so choose to follow through. Choosing some activities over others doesn't seem very...solid.
On the front of the little booklet, it has a verse that said something about Jesus getting up early in the morning, before the sun rose, and praying on a mountain side. I read that, and thought that sounded great. I don't have a mountain side, but I can get up before the sun, right? Well, I decided that late one night, and let the next morning slide. Then the next morning, this would be the day. But it wasn't. Apparently I need sleep more than I know. I am sure that prayer is important to the start of things. So it should happen at the start of my day. I want to be able to do this, but I can't right now. Something needs to change. I should probably go to bed earlier. Maybe the start of my day doesn't have to be before the sun rises?
I made a list of things I could pray for. Before I complained that I had nothing to talk to God about. Now I have a list of things to ask Him. But it isn't like a grocery list. I got the base of this from adapting a thing sent out by the pastor, Pastor John, and forwarded to us through Andrew. It told us how to practically live. But I don't like vague lists of things you could do. That are really hard to do. And a list like that would be pretty impossible. And constant. Like washing dishes. It's never really finished. I took the things it told us to ask God for and made my list. Then I prayed my list. Then I made a sweet picture with my list and put it on my desktop. It was amazing. Then my Dad told me to make the lines go away. The lines were my list. I asked why, and he said he didn't like them. I reluctantly replaced the desktop. That made me a little sad.
The next couple days reminded me that I had told people I would pray for them, but really, I don't pray as much as I should. I intend to pray my list everyday though...So I should add them to my list! I did, and now I have this paper full of stuff to pray for, and would take forever to read through, let alone pray for. I don't think I can do this. But, I have a list. That must count for something.
I think I'm going to try to fast anyway. I was thinking, what should I fast? Well, probably everything I can do without. Isn't that scary? Thursday nights I watch Heroes with Michael Cronk, Christian Gowan, and Joshua Sissons. It's great. I love Heroes. I also watch the new stuff sometime late Monday night or Tuesday. But they can go on without me. And all the new stuff will still be nice and new for me when these forty days are over. I could fast gaming and such things. There are games, I have been told, that I am missing out on, and that I really should play. I haven't yet and I'm fine so far. Movies I've been told to watch. One day. Compy? Well...Completely? I'm already off msn. A different fast with a guy, completely separate from all this. In theory I could tie up most of the ends by Sunday...and if I can, I should, right? We will see.
More than the problem of what to give up is what to do with this time it should free up. I had lots of time once. And I did nothing a lot. I slept. I made myself food. I watched a season that is about 20 hours long in a week. I was a waste. I read in a book that idleness is bad. That we shouldn't be idle. That if we don't work, we shouldn't eat.
Proverbs says bad stuff about sluggards too. I guess I have a huge list I'm supposed to pray through. And a book 66 long that I could read.
I was thinking about something. On a Wednesday, there was a conversation about the other churches in the area. The denominations. About how most of our pentecostal church members are from other churches. Then, kind of accidentally and in a completely different context, not relevant to this in any way, on Friday Andrew said something of the other churches in the area. You're clever. You'll figure it out. Then Sunday kind of clicked a little. I don't even like that song much. The dumb break dividing walls song. Like, I guess it's an okay song, with a good idea. But it is always played intentionally. With an agenda I might say. It isn't a song to be a song, so I don't like it. But, there are a lot of churches in this area. And maybe, we could send people to them? Revive them?
Christian is an evangelist. He works at the anglican church. He says that, as an evangelist, he shouldn't be working inside the walls of the church, but outside of the church. And, as he an evangelist, I agree. We have people to go bring Jesus out to the world, if the world will take it. But could we, these churches here, work at this together? I don't know how to get there, but maybe we could start something. I'm pretty sure something is already started. It would be foolhardy to think I was the first.
I kind of want to start seeing how things are going with the other churches here. Maybe I can do something. Maybe we can change something. Maybe.
By the way, Thrice has a new album out. It is incredible. Go listen to it. http://www.myspace.com/thrice
And the lyrics are powerful too. Look them up.
The Airlock has been given an assignment as individual members, together. It is difficult to accomplish alone, as we are given it, but we are meant to do it together. This might not be making sense yet. More small things. 'The 40 day Revolution' is a book we have adapted to our youth group, and are implementing through the cell groups. It is an assignment for us to do everyday. For me. For them. Each one who participates. It is meant to be a fasting type thing, but we decided that for youth to be fasting food for forty days was a bad idea. It starts Sunday, October 28th.
We should fast something though, right? I went assuming this, and was surprised when my co-leader disagreed. It seems to lose a lot of it's impact if that is missing. We wanted to dumb it down more. We haven't even started yet and we want it easier. We want to be ready; We might not be. We want to be ready for the things God has for us. For what he has. Whatever it is, it will be intense. And if he throws surprises at us and gives something simple, like swimming in a dirty river for a while, that's okay too. This 'fasting' thing is meant to disconnect us from the life that we have in the world a bit, while drawing us more into God's life for us. Into God's life. Closer to Him. It doesn't cloister you away from the world. In fact, it challenges to you go do specific things that you would have never done if not asked. Scary things. Potentially awkward thing. Things that make you reach out. Things that will bust your comfort zone if you so choose to follow through. Choosing some activities over others doesn't seem very...solid.
On the front of the little booklet, it has a verse that said something about Jesus getting up early in the morning, before the sun rose, and praying on a mountain side. I read that, and thought that sounded great. I don't have a mountain side, but I can get up before the sun, right? Well, I decided that late one night, and let the next morning slide. Then the next morning, this would be the day. But it wasn't. Apparently I need sleep more than I know. I am sure that prayer is important to the start of things. So it should happen at the start of my day. I want to be able to do this, but I can't right now. Something needs to change. I should probably go to bed earlier. Maybe the start of my day doesn't have to be before the sun rises?
I made a list of things I could pray for. Before I complained that I had nothing to talk to God about. Now I have a list of things to ask Him. But it isn't like a grocery list. I got the base of this from adapting a thing sent out by the pastor, Pastor John, and forwarded to us through Andrew. It told us how to practically live. But I don't like vague lists of things you could do. That are really hard to do. And a list like that would be pretty impossible. And constant. Like washing dishes. It's never really finished. I took the things it told us to ask God for and made my list. Then I prayed my list. Then I made a sweet picture with my list and put it on my desktop. It was amazing. Then my Dad told me to make the lines go away. The lines were my list. I asked why, and he said he didn't like them. I reluctantly replaced the desktop. That made me a little sad.
The next couple days reminded me that I had told people I would pray for them, but really, I don't pray as much as I should. I intend to pray my list everyday though...So I should add them to my list! I did, and now I have this paper full of stuff to pray for, and would take forever to read through, let alone pray for. I don't think I can do this. But, I have a list. That must count for something.
I think I'm going to try to fast anyway. I was thinking, what should I fast? Well, probably everything I can do without. Isn't that scary? Thursday nights I watch Heroes with Michael Cronk, Christian Gowan, and Joshua Sissons. It's great. I love Heroes. I also watch the new stuff sometime late Monday night or Tuesday. But they can go on without me. And all the new stuff will still be nice and new for me when these forty days are over. I could fast gaming and such things. There are games, I have been told, that I am missing out on, and that I really should play. I haven't yet and I'm fine so far. Movies I've been told to watch. One day. Compy? Well...Completely? I'm already off msn. A different fast with a guy, completely separate from all this. In theory I could tie up most of the ends by Sunday...and if I can, I should, right? We will see.
More than the problem of what to give up is what to do with this time it should free up. I had lots of time once. And I did nothing a lot. I slept. I made myself food. I watched a season that is about 20 hours long in a week. I was a waste. I read in a book that idleness is bad. That we shouldn't be idle. That if we don't work, we shouldn't eat.
Proverbs says bad stuff about sluggards too. I guess I have a huge list I'm supposed to pray through. And a book 66 long that I could read.
I was thinking about something. On a Wednesday, there was a conversation about the other churches in the area. The denominations. About how most of our pentecostal church members are from other churches. Then, kind of accidentally and in a completely different context, not relevant to this in any way, on Friday Andrew said something of the other churches in the area. You're clever. You'll figure it out. Then Sunday kind of clicked a little. I don't even like that song much. The dumb break dividing walls song. Like, I guess it's an okay song, with a good idea. But it is always played intentionally. With an agenda I might say. It isn't a song to be a song, so I don't like it. But, there are a lot of churches in this area. And maybe, we could send people to them? Revive them?
Christian is an evangelist. He works at the anglican church. He says that, as an evangelist, he shouldn't be working inside the walls of the church, but outside of the church. And, as he an evangelist, I agree. We have people to go bring Jesus out to the world, if the world will take it. But could we, these churches here, work at this together? I don't know how to get there, but maybe we could start something. I'm pretty sure something is already started. It would be foolhardy to think I was the first.
I kind of want to start seeing how things are going with the other churches here. Maybe I can do something. Maybe we can change something. Maybe.
By the way, Thrice has a new album out. It is incredible. Go listen to it. http://www.myspace.com/thrice
And the lyrics are powerful too. Look them up.
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