EXBELLENT

My life is a gong show. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Ever been in a wedding? Me neither. until today. It was pretty sweet. I would do it again. It seems to be the right time for everyone to get married. People everywhere will drop anything to come to a wedding. One of those times when all your friends are in the same place. Hopefully. You know how when you are a kid, you are friends with your neighbour's kids and how, as you get older, your bubble expands? It's impossible to bring everyone together. I have a counter strategy, that involves befriending everyone where ever you are. It ain't the same, but it would keep you in good company? I don't know. Also, I am not nearly altruistic enough for that. Was that a word? Altruistic? Either way, it says I spelt it right.

Ever dropped everything, cancelled work, and bought a plane ticket just so you could go see a girl? Logically, it probably isn't too bright, but that's not what I'm known for, and don't fix it if it ain't broken. I also would not have it any other way. Ain't. I think I have watched too much firefly. Ain't is not cool to say, and I ain't no cowboy. Damn.

Night shifts. Graveyard, if you will. Someone came in one night and told me they call them graveyard shifts because they send you to the grave early. Encouraging. Another guy said he was glad he didn't smoke, because shift work takes years off of your life or something. Interesting. I try to function during the day, because hermitdom just is not as fun as community. Funny, that. I'm supposed to be in some kind of garage band and hang out with kids I won't see after June ends. I might. But not much. That time has to get in now. A couple months ago. I've seen other friends try to get it all in a week before they go. pshh. I'll probably do that too, but I don't want to need to. Essentially, I don't sleep. And am really excited/nervousness/tired, perhaps nausious? Like butter over too much bread. And loving it. But...

June, please come soon.

This is one time.

My friend told me to write this. He also told me to be excellent. And make it long. I figure, if I write this, I am excellent. Who could resist? We will see about length.

I'm super excited because tomorrow morning I get into a truck with three other guys and drive for some hours, arriving in port hardy to meet with our cop friend. AND I work tonight. I wouldn't have slept well anyway. Might as well get paid for it. I'm done work at the end of the month. Woot!! This leaves no time to pack, but I can't pack anyway. Like I'll know what I need. Psh.

And June, June is super exciting too. No jobs, epic plans to camp anywhere. Everywhere. A small island unofficially dubbed Porges island. Sidney spit for a birthday party. A concert. I'm going to play music on stage!! Weird huh? Yup. ANNDDD Then I go to Pender island for two months. Rock on. There won't be many from last year, which means it will be different and a little bit sad, but also very exciting, despite that. Details to come later.

I put my life on hold for the last couple days. I needed to. I am not a machine. Breaks are very necessary, so I took one. I should be getting back to completing stuff soon, like applications to camp and letters to friends. Probably something else I'm supposed to do but forgot. I got accepted to Summit. That means I am really for sure peacing in September. That's exciting too. Abbotsford isn't the most exciting I hear, but it isn't my home island, and that is something. I'm kind of a jerk, but I don't think I will miss those who are left behind too much. Sure, I'll miss them, but there ain't no way I'll stay here for them. There is something else out there, and it's mine.

I had something else to say but forgot and ran out of time and have to go. Yup. Peace.

We need not to climb mountaintops.

It's from a dark place that you can look at life and see it as a joke.

I was thinking a little bit about momentum, about how everything is easier once you get started. Things like that. It has always been easier to perform once I'm on the stage. I don't really think things through, and you can't just stand there (although I have done that before, and I can't say I didn't enjoy it) so whatever I think of comes out. Most of the time is it satisfactory. I'm afraid I perform too much though. I'd rather just be with myself sometimes. I find I am very entertaining company. I don't feel like I did something wrong after being with me. There is something unpleasant in the aftermath of other people.

But, I really want to be with them too. Every time it is my choice, even my fault, that I see these other people, these who don't know. I spent an hour just wishing I lived with some guys, just so we could make dinner. Guys collaborating on anything is fantastic. Any task is a puzzle, a challenge, an obstacle that cannot be allowed to remain. We made a fire on the beach in the rain. It hurt to stand too close. Then I thought about how someone would always be there. I think I would be okay with that. I'm decent at ignoring people.

I don't think I can survive the 'real world', whatever that is. Or that maybe I could, but I really don't want to. I don't want to give in to it's demands. From what I've observed, it doesn't seem like a lot of fun. But, I ain't seen much. Barely left my island.

This sandwich has expired.

What Makes a Man?

I've noticed a somewhat disturbing pattern in some of my friendships. You know, the ones worth keeping. It starts off really solid. And the friendship grows and becomes better, and then. Well, it is repulsed. It would not worry me as much were it not a pattern. I can tell you three or five different instances of said occurrence. They are all crazy different people. I am the common denominator. The problem? It makes me think that maybe I should keep to myself better. More. More better? I guess I am just better in small doses. Or maybe I need a psychologist.

"Better to have flown once than to have never flown at all". A good friend of mine said that. Specifically about flying. Would not want to decontextualize it or anything.

It's funny, the stuff a person believes about themselves.

Confusion

I was going to write something crazy profound. You know, like always. But I got distracted and learned that somebody beat me to it. I'm quite excited at the moment. And tired, and confused. These tabs aren't helping. Who invented tabs? fools. This morning, I cut my finger. Maybe? I think something got stuck in it. If so, it is still there. I don't know how it happened. I wasn't there. But then there was blood. And customers. And confusion all on me. There wasn't enough blood to be terrifying, and they didn't make mention of it, so maybe they didn't notice, but I had been up for 33 hours or something, and could figure out why there was blood.

Welcome to my life.

I was going to write something along the lines of life as story, because it is. It wasn't very happy, to be honest. Ended badly. In my mind anyway. But, my favourite author ever has something coming that is far better than anything I could make up on the spot. I was browsing some of his internet dabblings, and was inspired somewhere in there. There is a world, a real world, that really needs saving. I shouldn't even need to ask what I'm doing. And there is so much to do. Too much to do.

I was chatting with a guy. I used to think us humans were kind of... dirty I guess? Not right. Not a thing good inside. I didn't delve too deep into this, I just let it be. I knew I was saying I was terrible too. I didn't think I was, but I had to be. I guess that is a way you could think of it. In Blue like jazz, Don says "something inside me…caused Him to love me." What is the point of saving a world that doesn't have any good in it? Abraham pleaded with God over cities so corrupt that they could only find one righteous person. They got him out, then destroyed it. Anyway, this guy feels that way. He said that he puts all of his trust in that bit, in that hope that we aren't all bad.

I know the feeling will fade again, and I'll be bored working, and wish I wasn't born to work dumb jobs and do stuff everyone else has done for years of years. But right now. Right now, I need some sleep. But in the morning, We can go save the world.

You could save us all

What am I doing?

I've been asked why I have two jobs. I tell them that I don't know. I don't really. I think it was for school or something. Another reason might be that I want to see if I can. Waking up early to jump off a bridge and then working that night with a breakfast meeting the next morning is not a good idea. Working 30 plus hours in a weekend is not a good idea. But I can do it. They brought it, and I conquered.

Hurrah.

I asked some guy if he wanted his two pennies of change. He told me to keep it. But he didn't stop there. He continued, saying that if I saved them all up, by the time I was ninety, and worked there all my life ( at this point I said 'of course') then I would be able to go out and by myself a new bicycle. Then he went out the door. I laughed to myself. I didn't really know what else to do.

Another, more different guy was in last night. He asked me where I got that fabulous head of hair. I assumed it was because he was balding. I told him my mother gave it to me, and I loved it very much. He dwelt on it for a while, then wandered the store for a while. I ignored him and did stuff like I was supposed to. He came over to the hot dogs and started asking about spotted dick, or something like that. I told him we didn't have any. He told me he was only teasing. I knew, and let him in on it. But still he was raving about this dick. I played along. He walked around my store again and came back, telling me about how he was taking a plane the next morning. or something like that. I didn't really hear, but nodded in agreement. It doesn't really matter if I hear them. Nodding is polite? Anyway, when he was finally ready to pay, we did the whole cashier takes his money thing. He asked me if he could take me home with him. I told him that would be fantastic, but I had to stay and work. Not even for a days pay? I'm pretty sure everyone would yell at me if I left. So he left. A few minutes later, the pieces fell together in my head, and I realized his orientation might be a bit different than mine.

Oh dear.

There are some stories. I feel a bit better. But still. What am I doing? If I'm doing this just to see if I can, there is the possibility I can't. I increasingly don't want to. What you do stems from who you are. But...Reading back over the past, I really like my writing, even though I hardly ever like it when I am writing it, and I have to stick to the plan.

What makes someone 'something'?

Chance to explain

I have a plan. A very boring, dull plan, but still, it is a plan. I won't stick to it though. I just have to stop doing things. I can make it through if I only have one or two things to do. easy peasy. But the real plan that I need to happen is me on a vacation.

In my cadre, we are reading a book about some guys take on life. I love it. And even if the others don't, they might be discovering some of my motivations or inspirations or both. Like my dream to be an expert geologist...I mean. Never mind.

Yesterday, I woke up late from a fourteen hour sleep (I always wake up late.) and was still super tired I went to element, but no one was there. I sort of napped at the church for a while. sort of. eventually, it is eleven and I am sleeping. Then it is two thirty and I am awake. And three thirty finds me still awake. I refuse insomnia. Straight up. But, an hour and still nothing, so I did some things for another hour. like eat pound cake and drink chocolate milk. Four thirty I was sleeping again, six my alarm went off. seven I woke up late. again. I was supposed to be at work or something. I was ten minutes late or something. I'm late for almost every morning shift. I was still tired though. I described it to a couple people as being jet lagged, but I didn't get to go anywhere. What day is it? Forty something days left.

But I go bungee jumping in a few days. There are cooler things, but not right now.