I can't wait to be an old man. One of the friendly ones. The cute old guy with his cute old wife and everybody loves them. They tell great stories, and they think their jokes are funny, and that's funny enough. And they can say what they think, for better or worse, without really worrying about how other people will see them. Being old gives them some leeway. The potential of being seen as wise and/or knowledgeable has some allure as well.
A friend of mine always jokes with me about us being old rednecks sitting in old rocking chairs out front of our house, enjoying the company. Another friend thinks by the time our generation is old, the senior centers will be filled with LAN parties. It's weird to think about.
I realized today that I haven't been applying my philosophies evenly. Purposefully? I think that what I'm doing now is what I'll be doing then, for the most part. Waiting for something to happen won't suddenly have me handling money better, or managing my time properly, or being more likable in the aftermath. Procrastination doesn't solve problems.
If I want to be cute and friendly and funny and all that stuff when I'm old, I should be aiming for that now. I've let useless things get in the way. Sure, I might have a while to get there. The sooner the better. As they say, time flies.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Long day's night
It's been a while. But that's okay.
I used to blog a ton when I was younger. Almost everyday, I think. It got to the point that it wasn't for me, but for comments. I like comments. I had begun liking them too much though, so I stopped. I can't remember if I actually took a break or just started this one. Either way, this one got started, with the specific point of not writing for comments. Just for me. Foolishly writing an internet journal. Oh well. So, if I hadn't at some point before, I explained the title.
I'm no longer homeless, and no longer jobless. In fact, I might even be working too much. Which is okay too. A lot of moving here was to make money and pretend we were getting ahead. My current job puts me in a funny situation. I think it is funny anyway. I work some day shifts, then get some days off, and then get some night shifts. Not uncommon, I guess. The funny part is that, to prepare for working all night, I am staying up all night the night before. In other circumstances, totally irresponsible. However, I am doing this to BE responsible. I think that is kind of funny. I'm not used to this yet.
I watched 'The Avengers' yesterday. I really like that movie. It came together quite nicely. This morning I watched Joss Whedon's commentary on it. I've waited about a year to watch that. I think I'm a fan boy. When I watch the 'behind the scenes' and commentary things, it makes me want to be an actor. Part of it anyway. I know it isn't all fun, or even very much fun at all, but when they show that footage, it captures a part of the bond that has grown from them creating something together. I have the slightest knowledge of what that is like. I did musical theater is high school all four years I was there. I loved it, everybody had their part, and it all came together to make something. And then everyone trickles away to whatever else they have. After I graduated, I went back to see one of the productions. I still knew a few people there. High school musicals are terrible to watch. I didn't know that until after.
I am a pretty quiet guy, most must think. I have an irrational fear of strangers. Fear is too strong a word. Reluctance to engage. I blame that whole 'strangers are bad' thing that was around when I was growing up. Stranger danger. I know why it was there, and maybe it is necessary, I just don't like the lessons learned. I worry that being closed of prevents me from making friends and maintaining good relationships. I also fear that I don't talk about important things. As kids we talk about games and... well, as boys that's most of it. I think that sticks for life actually. More things just get added on. Work, bills, money, politics, even weather. Maybe those are important. Maybe those are the gateway conversations to... whatever is important.
What I really wish though was that I knew how to engage people in conversation. I mean more than that, but my words are weak right now. I know that talking about yourself all the time isn't the way to go. I'm not nearly half as interesting to anyone else as I am to me. When you can talk to someone, and throughout the conversation they feel like you do find them interesting, maybe even more interesting than they do, then a wonderful conversation happens. I figure, the best way to do that, to make others feel like you think they are interesting, is to actually, genuinely be interested.
Sometimes, a lot of times, I can't climb out of my own head.
I used to blog a ton when I was younger. Almost everyday, I think. It got to the point that it wasn't for me, but for comments. I like comments. I had begun liking them too much though, so I stopped. I can't remember if I actually took a break or just started this one. Either way, this one got started, with the specific point of not writing for comments. Just for me. Foolishly writing an internet journal. Oh well. So, if I hadn't at some point before, I explained the title.
I'm no longer homeless, and no longer jobless. In fact, I might even be working too much. Which is okay too. A lot of moving here was to make money and pretend we were getting ahead. My current job puts me in a funny situation. I think it is funny anyway. I work some day shifts, then get some days off, and then get some night shifts. Not uncommon, I guess. The funny part is that, to prepare for working all night, I am staying up all night the night before. In other circumstances, totally irresponsible. However, I am doing this to BE responsible. I think that is kind of funny. I'm not used to this yet.
I watched 'The Avengers' yesterday. I really like that movie. It came together quite nicely. This morning I watched Joss Whedon's commentary on it. I've waited about a year to watch that. I think I'm a fan boy. When I watch the 'behind the scenes' and commentary things, it makes me want to be an actor. Part of it anyway. I know it isn't all fun, or even very much fun at all, but when they show that footage, it captures a part of the bond that has grown from them creating something together. I have the slightest knowledge of what that is like. I did musical theater is high school all four years I was there. I loved it, everybody had their part, and it all came together to make something. And then everyone trickles away to whatever else they have. After I graduated, I went back to see one of the productions. I still knew a few people there. High school musicals are terrible to watch. I didn't know that until after.
I am a pretty quiet guy, most must think. I have an irrational fear of strangers. Fear is too strong a word. Reluctance to engage. I blame that whole 'strangers are bad' thing that was around when I was growing up. Stranger danger. I know why it was there, and maybe it is necessary, I just don't like the lessons learned. I worry that being closed of prevents me from making friends and maintaining good relationships. I also fear that I don't talk about important things. As kids we talk about games and... well, as boys that's most of it. I think that sticks for life actually. More things just get added on. Work, bills, money, politics, even weather. Maybe those are important. Maybe those are the gateway conversations to... whatever is important.
What I really wish though was that I knew how to engage people in conversation. I mean more than that, but my words are weak right now. I know that talking about yourself all the time isn't the way to go. I'm not nearly half as interesting to anyone else as I am to me. When you can talk to someone, and throughout the conversation they feel like you do find them interesting, maybe even more interesting than they do, then a wonderful conversation happens. I figure, the best way to do that, to make others feel like you think they are interesting, is to actually, genuinely be interested.
Sometimes, a lot of times, I can't climb out of my own head.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
About time
I changed everything. I got married, I moved to the land of winter, I am homeless, jobless, and still don't really know what to do. Well, kind of. I want to get a home, get a job, get a direction. That last one I want most of all. That one will add more meaning to everything. I hope.
I had an interview yesterday. I was asked questions, and tried to give answers. Maybe if I pretend to interview someone for a fake job sometime, I might understand better what they are asking for, and then I can answer better accordingly. That might be cheating. After the interview, I had two hours of aptitude tests, with three other guys. They where stuff like 'how do machines work?' and 'what comes next in the pattern?' and geometry and stuff like that. One of them was fifty miscellaneous questions in twelve minutes. I think that one was the most fun. They were all timed, but that one was the most impossible. I almost did it. Sometimes I forget how much I enjoy that stuff. I hadn't had to do problems like that since high school. It's been a while.
Some people know what they want to do all their lives. Lucky ducks. I'm sure obstacles rise, but they rise anyway. Trial and error is my route. I guess. It is such a simple thing though. I could go do anything. I've thought that for a while, but it hasn't really been helpful. Anything is a lot of doors. Too many doors.
My dad always wanted me to get into computers. They came up out of nowhere and took off in his lifetime. And there is a lot of money in it. I don't really like computers. I like using them fine, but when they get cranky, I have no power. I could learn, but it's never been very appealing. I could, and probably will, get into some kind of trade. For a while at least. I want to know how to build things. Fix things. I want to use and strengthen my strengths. I want to be terrific at something. I don't need to be 'the guy' of everything. Just one thing is enough. I want to know what that thing is. Until then, I'll learn to build things and fix things.
I had an interview yesterday. I was asked questions, and tried to give answers. Maybe if I pretend to interview someone for a fake job sometime, I might understand better what they are asking for, and then I can answer better accordingly. That might be cheating. After the interview, I had two hours of aptitude tests, with three other guys. They where stuff like 'how do machines work?' and 'what comes next in the pattern?' and geometry and stuff like that. One of them was fifty miscellaneous questions in twelve minutes. I think that one was the most fun. They were all timed, but that one was the most impossible. I almost did it. Sometimes I forget how much I enjoy that stuff. I hadn't had to do problems like that since high school. It's been a while.
Some people know what they want to do all their lives. Lucky ducks. I'm sure obstacles rise, but they rise anyway. Trial and error is my route. I guess. It is such a simple thing though. I could go do anything. I've thought that for a while, but it hasn't really been helpful. Anything is a lot of doors. Too many doors.
My dad always wanted me to get into computers. They came up out of nowhere and took off in his lifetime. And there is a lot of money in it. I don't really like computers. I like using them fine, but when they get cranky, I have no power. I could learn, but it's never been very appealing. I could, and probably will, get into some kind of trade. For a while at least. I want to know how to build things. Fix things. I want to use and strengthen my strengths. I want to be terrific at something. I don't need to be 'the guy' of everything. Just one thing is enough. I want to know what that thing is. Until then, I'll learn to build things and fix things.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Summer is my favourite season. Hands down. Even if it is stinkin' hot.
I'm reading the wrong books to be happy where I am. I just read A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller (again), and that about living a better story, and not wasting life away on a couch. Maybe, instead, doing something meaningful. I'm stuck though. I'm stuck because I don't know what I want. In a good story, a character wants something. There is more to it than that, but that is where I am stuck. I can't turn elsewhere. No one else can tell me what I want.
I think I like camp so much because it invites me into their story. I feel like it is a good one. It is almost always stressful, on the verge of chaotic, and very hard. The harder something is, the better it is. The thing is, I can't always be at camp. Right now, I am not at camp. So, what is my story now? Will I get off the couch?
Maybe.
I'm reading the wrong books to be happy where I am. I just read A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller (again), and that about living a better story, and not wasting life away on a couch. Maybe, instead, doing something meaningful. I'm stuck though. I'm stuck because I don't know what I want. In a good story, a character wants something. There is more to it than that, but that is where I am stuck. I can't turn elsewhere. No one else can tell me what I want.
I think I like camp so much because it invites me into their story. I feel like it is a good one. It is almost always stressful, on the verge of chaotic, and very hard. The harder something is, the better it is. The thing is, I can't always be at camp. Right now, I am not at camp. So, what is my story now? Will I get off the couch?
Maybe.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Second Place
I feel like I've waited too long. For a few things. Everything changes, fast, and it can be difficult to keep up.
You know, I think I'm going to go in a different direction. I thought I was going to write about losing, outlining some of the things I've lost, but that sucks. Straight up. Maybe instead, I'll write about how sunny it is outside, and all the wonderful things that are planned in the future. Because I'll find what I want to find. If I want to find lacking, I'll find it, and be tons of fun. And if I want to find smiles, I'll find those. Like it or not.
It has been gorgeous outside. I really like it. It isn't stinking hot like it will be come summer, but it sure ain't cold. Wonderful. Now I have absolutely no excuse not to do all that yard work. The cheese plant really likes the cheese I make for them. They are talking about sending it in to contests and things like that. Makes me think I'm like my dad. I like to think that he is among the best at what he does. While I can't say I'm the best at this, at least I do a good job.
May has been a pretty sweet month so far. Lots of things have been happening, and people visiting, so it's been flying by. I went fishing for the first time ever. And you are HOW old? Didn't catch a thing. Not even a nibble. Despite the lackluster performance, I still managed to bust a rod. Way to go. But it was fun. I'm not super big into boating. Or 4x4ing, but that's a different topic. I think I could go boating for days if there was a fishing rod going. Boating, even though it is nice, seems like a waste of time and gas to me. But if there is potential of catching fish (glorious fish!), then that changes everything. I don't even care if we catch anything, although I would like to. Who I am, to think I can control the fish? I'd be a fool, that's who.
One of my roommates is going away for three to four weeks. He leaves tomorrow. If I'm lucky, and by that I mean, if I set aside time and actually do it, I can get the house clean while he is gone. I hate living in a messy house. Hate it. Especially when guests come. How embarrassing. I have great excuses for why I haven't had time, but Steph told me I'd make time, if I wanted to. I don't always like it when she is right. She is always right.
It's strange to think that there is a war raging inside me. It makes total and complete sense; it is just strange to think it. Another strange and totally obvious thought, is that I have to lose. To die, as it were. Because, when I don't die, when I 'live', that is when I am defeated.
At the director's house, they were taking care of another boy for the day. Who was competitive, I guess. Him and Livy would race, and she was a little faster than him. So, annoyed, he goes to her father. "Livy's Dad, Livy's Dad." What is it? "Can you tell Livy that, that she doesn't have to win all the time?" Livy, you don't to win all the time. Okay, she says. And so they race again, the boy finally winning. I win!
'I lose!' just as cheerfully.
I know I don't need to win. I know. I sure don't like losing though. Even if it is better for me...
You know, I think I'm going to go in a different direction. I thought I was going to write about losing, outlining some of the things I've lost, but that sucks. Straight up. Maybe instead, I'll write about how sunny it is outside, and all the wonderful things that are planned in the future. Because I'll find what I want to find. If I want to find lacking, I'll find it, and be tons of fun. And if I want to find smiles, I'll find those. Like it or not.
It has been gorgeous outside. I really like it. It isn't stinking hot like it will be come summer, but it sure ain't cold. Wonderful. Now I have absolutely no excuse not to do all that yard work. The cheese plant really likes the cheese I make for them. They are talking about sending it in to contests and things like that. Makes me think I'm like my dad. I like to think that he is among the best at what he does. While I can't say I'm the best at this, at least I do a good job.
May has been a pretty sweet month so far. Lots of things have been happening, and people visiting, so it's been flying by. I went fishing for the first time ever. And you are HOW old? Didn't catch a thing. Not even a nibble. Despite the lackluster performance, I still managed to bust a rod. Way to go. But it was fun. I'm not super big into boating. Or 4x4ing, but that's a different topic. I think I could go boating for days if there was a fishing rod going. Boating, even though it is nice, seems like a waste of time and gas to me. But if there is potential of catching fish (glorious fish!), then that changes everything. I don't even care if we catch anything, although I would like to. Who I am, to think I can control the fish? I'd be a fool, that's who.
One of my roommates is going away for three to four weeks. He leaves tomorrow. If I'm lucky, and by that I mean, if I set aside time and actually do it, I can get the house clean while he is gone. I hate living in a messy house. Hate it. Especially when guests come. How embarrassing. I have great excuses for why I haven't had time, but Steph told me I'd make time, if I wanted to. I don't always like it when she is right. She is always right.
It's strange to think that there is a war raging inside me. It makes total and complete sense; it is just strange to think it. Another strange and totally obvious thought, is that I have to lose. To die, as it were. Because, when I don't die, when I 'live', that is when I am defeated.
At the director's house, they were taking care of another boy for the day. Who was competitive, I guess. Him and Livy would race, and she was a little faster than him. So, annoyed, he goes to her father. "Livy's Dad, Livy's Dad." What is it? "Can you tell Livy that, that she doesn't have to win all the time?" Livy, you don't to win all the time. Okay, she says. And so they race again, the boy finally winning. I win!
'I lose!' just as cheerfully.
I know I don't need to win. I know. I sure don't like losing though. Even if it is better for me...
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Like a Brick to the Face
Life is a crazy thing. I don't think I will ever really have a handle on it.
I know where I am, and I know what I am doing. I know part of where I want to go. I don't really know where I am going though. I am a cheese maker now. I make more than a hundred kilograms of cheese three to four times a week. Everyone says that what I have, jobwise, is pretty darn sweet. And it is. They are right. Being able to legitimately say '"I'm a cheese maker" is way cooler than most other jobs you could tell people you had. I'd put it in the same category that astronaut fits under. Obviously very different, but they fit together by their otherness.
As cool as being a cheese maker is, I don't think that is where I want to be, when all is said and done. Something else has to happen before the curtain falls. I'm not sure what that is yet though. I'm working, I'm paying the bills. Most of them, anyway. I'm not satisfied. And I don't know what will bring that about. If you were to ask me why I was here, I could fumble out answers that would leave you satisfied, but if you were to ask me what I was really doing here...well, I guess I could fumble answers for that too. But they would not mean anything. I can give you surface answers. Where am I going. That is the question I could not answer you. And that drives me nuts.
I read a blog post from one of the three most influential men in my life today. None of these three know that they have been named one of the three most influential men in my life, maybe because I decided that tonight. That blog post was about vision. I think that is what I want. It's hard to strive when you don't know where you are going. It's hard to push when you feel stuck, going in circles. Vision doesn't come easy. Nothing good does. I just need it to be from God. I'm not as strong as I think I am.
Over a month ago now, we were going to go on a little road trip. In my little car. It needed a little work. That work translated into a pile of money. More than I was expecting it to be, and far more than I was ready for it to be. So, we fixed it up, and I had no money. That's an easy thing to get stuck on. Especially when you feel like people are relying on you. I'm supposed to be saving and all that junk. Getting ahead. Ha. Whenever I feel like I'm starting to get ahead, it all gets smashed by things beyond my control. I felt pretty bitter. The love of my life commented on how my car drove, and my bitterness poured from my open mouth. She didn't talk to me again until we got to her house. I hadn't realized it, but this wasn't just starting then. It had been going on for a while, and she noticed, and was tired of it.
I went home. My mind was going pretty fast. It took a while to get places though. Maybe it doesn't go as fast as I think it does. I was thinking that Jesus said somewhere that it isn't what goes into a man that makes him unclean, but what comes out of him, because what comes out of him comes from the heart. Something like that. So if my words and attitude was bitter and rotten, then my heart must be bitter and rotten too. And how do you make good again what has become rotten? I don't know any way.
I asked God to give me a new heart. Begged is a better word. I don't understand God. I don't understand how he can love me, regardless of what I do or don't do. I don't understand why he takes care of me, even when...always. Regardless. Without exception. Even though I rebel, would rather do nothing, waste my life. I'm sure he gave me a new heart. Or maybe just cleaned up the one I had. I know he does those things because he loves me. Love... I know more about it now than I ever have, but still can't fathom it. It's not an emotion. Emotions come and go like the wind. Love doesn't.
I don't understand why he would give me a new heart, and then let me slowly go back to where I was before. It's only been a month. I'm not going the direction I want to go. I'm not as strong as I think I am. I need God. I know that. Sometimes it even shows up in how I do things. Sometimes.
One of my bigger fears is that I won't be good enough. And I'm not. But, I know God is.
I know where I am, and I know what I am doing. I know part of where I want to go. I don't really know where I am going though. I am a cheese maker now. I make more than a hundred kilograms of cheese three to four times a week. Everyone says that what I have, jobwise, is pretty darn sweet. And it is. They are right. Being able to legitimately say '"I'm a cheese maker" is way cooler than most other jobs you could tell people you had. I'd put it in the same category that astronaut fits under. Obviously very different, but they fit together by their otherness.
As cool as being a cheese maker is, I don't think that is where I want to be, when all is said and done. Something else has to happen before the curtain falls. I'm not sure what that is yet though. I'm working, I'm paying the bills. Most of them, anyway. I'm not satisfied. And I don't know what will bring that about. If you were to ask me why I was here, I could fumble out answers that would leave you satisfied, but if you were to ask me what I was really doing here...well, I guess I could fumble answers for that too. But they would not mean anything. I can give you surface answers. Where am I going. That is the question I could not answer you. And that drives me nuts.
I read a blog post from one of the three most influential men in my life today. None of these three know that they have been named one of the three most influential men in my life, maybe because I decided that tonight. That blog post was about vision. I think that is what I want. It's hard to strive when you don't know where you are going. It's hard to push when you feel stuck, going in circles. Vision doesn't come easy. Nothing good does. I just need it to be from God. I'm not as strong as I think I am.
Over a month ago now, we were going to go on a little road trip. In my little car. It needed a little work. That work translated into a pile of money. More than I was expecting it to be, and far more than I was ready for it to be. So, we fixed it up, and I had no money. That's an easy thing to get stuck on. Especially when you feel like people are relying on you. I'm supposed to be saving and all that junk. Getting ahead. Ha. Whenever I feel like I'm starting to get ahead, it all gets smashed by things beyond my control. I felt pretty bitter. The love of my life commented on how my car drove, and my bitterness poured from my open mouth. She didn't talk to me again until we got to her house. I hadn't realized it, but this wasn't just starting then. It had been going on for a while, and she noticed, and was tired of it.
I went home. My mind was going pretty fast. It took a while to get places though. Maybe it doesn't go as fast as I think it does. I was thinking that Jesus said somewhere that it isn't what goes into a man that makes him unclean, but what comes out of him, because what comes out of him comes from the heart. Something like that. So if my words and attitude was bitter and rotten, then my heart must be bitter and rotten too. And how do you make good again what has become rotten? I don't know any way.
I asked God to give me a new heart. Begged is a better word. I don't understand God. I don't understand how he can love me, regardless of what I do or don't do. I don't understand why he takes care of me, even when...always. Regardless. Without exception. Even though I rebel, would rather do nothing, waste my life. I'm sure he gave me a new heart. Or maybe just cleaned up the one I had. I know he does those things because he loves me. Love... I know more about it now than I ever have, but still can't fathom it. It's not an emotion. Emotions come and go like the wind. Love doesn't.
I don't understand why he would give me a new heart, and then let me slowly go back to where I was before. It's only been a month. I'm not going the direction I want to go. I'm not as strong as I think I am. I need God. I know that. Sometimes it even shows up in how I do things. Sometimes.
One of my bigger fears is that I won't be good enough. And I'm not. But, I know God is.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Water, Water everywhere...
I really want to write something. Something wonderful. Something I can feel good about, because think it is wonderful (whether it is or not). But nothing is coming right now.
One of my roommates is getting married this Saturday. That means this week is a gongshow. I crashed my car a couple weeks ago. I was pretty upset about that. Nobody got hurt, which is what is important, but I miss her. All my expensive things are female. Maggie was a good car. My fiancee thought she was a guy, and that his name was Magnus. Doesn't matter much now.
Without a car, I've taken up biking to work. It's about a 20-30 minute bike ride. Then I work outside for eight hours. Sun is nice. It's great actually. I love summer. It is hands down my favourite season. I like all the seasons, but summer is my favourite. Eight hours of sun is getting to be a little much though. I got past the burning stage though. Now I just turn browner and browner. The farmers tan is strong in this one.
The groom's family comes tonight. His parents are staying here, while his sisters are staying with the bride. I'm not crazy huge on my house being flooded with people. Especially people I don't know very well. I guess I could get used to it, if they stayed for a time that was more than a week. Turns out, the older you get, the less substantial a week seems. Now, a week seems like nothing. They manage to fit a lot into this nothing. I think the Bride's father is coming up today too, and staying here. And one of my friends is playing music for their wedding. He comes up tomorrow.
More people make me feel like a stranger in my own house, and once I'm past that, like I have to be entertaining for the duration of their stay. And I'm not really entertaining. I might actually be more annoying. Which explain why I don't think my friends like me too much by the time they are leaving after a stay. Despite all that, I wish more people would come for more time. I hate being alone. Sometimes I need it, but not as often as I have it available. I can't just drive away from it anymore.
I'm staying here to work for the summer. I'm pretty sure, anyway. The days might start being longer than 8 hours. My best beloved is going to a camp that I love for the summer. I'm going to miss her a bunch. That's why I want more people to come. They can't replace her, but maybe I won't feel so alone. She left yesterday for the night. She comes back today. I haven't had time to write here for a while. Now I do.
I don't have to worry about that yet though. So I won't
One of my roommates is getting married this Saturday. That means this week is a gongshow. I crashed my car a couple weeks ago. I was pretty upset about that. Nobody got hurt, which is what is important, but I miss her. All my expensive things are female. Maggie was a good car. My fiancee thought she was a guy, and that his name was Magnus. Doesn't matter much now.
Without a car, I've taken up biking to work. It's about a 20-30 minute bike ride. Then I work outside for eight hours. Sun is nice. It's great actually. I love summer. It is hands down my favourite season. I like all the seasons, but summer is my favourite. Eight hours of sun is getting to be a little much though. I got past the burning stage though. Now I just turn browner and browner. The farmers tan is strong in this one.
The groom's family comes tonight. His parents are staying here, while his sisters are staying with the bride. I'm not crazy huge on my house being flooded with people. Especially people I don't know very well. I guess I could get used to it, if they stayed for a time that was more than a week. Turns out, the older you get, the less substantial a week seems. Now, a week seems like nothing. They manage to fit a lot into this nothing. I think the Bride's father is coming up today too, and staying here. And one of my friends is playing music for their wedding. He comes up tomorrow.
More people make me feel like a stranger in my own house, and once I'm past that, like I have to be entertaining for the duration of their stay. And I'm not really entertaining. I might actually be more annoying. Which explain why I don't think my friends like me too much by the time they are leaving after a stay. Despite all that, I wish more people would come for more time. I hate being alone. Sometimes I need it, but not as often as I have it available. I can't just drive away from it anymore.
I'm staying here to work for the summer. I'm pretty sure, anyway. The days might start being longer than 8 hours. My best beloved is going to a camp that I love for the summer. I'm going to miss her a bunch. That's why I want more people to come. They can't replace her, but maybe I won't feel so alone. She left yesterday for the night. She comes back today. I haven't had time to write here for a while. Now I do.
I don't have to worry about that yet though. So I won't
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