I'm So Ignoring You

Like a Brick to the Face

2011-12-11T01:08:00.000-08:00

Life is a crazy thing. I don't think I will ever really have a handle on it.

I know where I am, and I know what I am doing. I know part of where I want to go. I don't really know where I am going though. I am a cheese maker now. I make more than a hundred kilograms of cheese three to four times a week. Everyone says that what I have, jobwise, is pretty darn sweet. And it is. They are right. Being able to legitimately say '"I'm a cheese maker" is way cooler than most other jobs you could tell people you had. I'd put it in the same category that astronaut fits under. Obviously very different, but they fit together by their otherness.

As cool as being a cheese maker is, I don't think that is where I want to be, when all is said and done. Something else has to happen before the curtain falls. I'm not sure what that is yet though. I'm working, I'm paying the bills. Most of them, anyway. I'm not satisfied. And I don't know what will bring that about. If you were to ask me why I was here, I could fumble out answers that would leave you satisfied, but if you were to ask me what I was really doing here...well, I guess I could fumble answers for that too. But they would not mean anything. I can give you surface answers. Where am I going. That is the question I could not answer you. And that drives me nuts.

I read a blog post from one of the three most influential men in my life today. None of these three know that they have been named one of the three most influential men in my life, maybe because I decided that tonight. That blog post was about vision. I think that is what I want. It's hard to strive when you don't know where you are going. It's hard to push when you feel stuck, going in circles. Vision doesn't come easy. Nothing good does. I just need it to be from God. I'm not as strong as I think I am.

Over a month ago now, we were going to go on a little road trip. In my little car. It needed a little work. That work translated into a pile of money. More than I was expecting it to be, and far more than I was ready for it to be. So, we fixed it up, and I had no money. That's an easy thing to get stuck on. Especially when you feel like people are relying on you. I'm supposed to be saving and all that junk. Getting ahead. Ha. Whenever I feel like I'm starting to get ahead, it all gets smashed by things beyond my control. I felt pretty bitter. The love of my life commented on how my car drove, and my bitterness poured from my open mouth. She didn't talk to me again until we got to her house. I hadn't realized it, but this wasn't just starting then. It had been going on for a while, and she noticed, and was tired of it.

I went home. My mind was going pretty fast. It took a while to get places though. Maybe it doesn't go as fast as I think it does. I was thinking that Jesus said somewhere that it isn't what goes into a man that makes him unclean, but what comes out of him, because what comes out of him comes from the heart. Something like that. So if my words and attitude was bitter and rotten, then my heart must be bitter and rotten too. And how do you make good again what has become rotten? I don't know any way.

I asked God to give me a new heart. Begged is a better word. I don't understand God. I don't understand how he can love me, regardless of what I do or don't do. I don't understand why he takes care of me, even when...always. Regardless. Without exception. Even though I rebel, would rather do nothing, waste my life. I'm sure he gave me a new heart. Or maybe just cleaned up the one I had. I know he does those things because he loves me. Love... I know more about it now than I ever have, but still can't fathom it. It's not an emotion. Emotions come and go like the wind. Love doesn't.

I don't understand why he would give me a new heart, and then let me slowly go back to where I was before. It's only been a month. I'm not going the direction I want to go. I'm not as strong as I think I am. I need God. I know that. Sometimes it even shows up in how I do things. Sometimes.

One of my bigger fears is that I won't be good enough. And I'm not. But, I know God is.

Water, Water everywhere...

2011-06-05T14:43:00.000-07:00

I really want to write something. Something wonderful. Something I can feel good about, because think it is wonderful (whether it is or not). But nothing is coming right now.

One of my roommates is getting married this Saturday. That means this week is a gongshow. I crashed my car a couple weeks ago. I was pretty upset about that. Nobody got hurt, which is what is important, but I miss her. All my expensive things are female. Maggie was a good car. My fiancee thought she was a guy, and that his name was Magnus. Doesn't matter much now.

Without a car, I've taken up biking to work. It's about a 20-30 minute bike ride. Then I work outside for eight hours. Sun is nice. It's great actually. I love summer. It is hands down my favourite season. I like all the seasons, but summer is my favourite. Eight hours of sun is getting to be a little much though. I got past the burning stage though. Now I just turn browner and browner. The farmers tan is strong in this one.

The groom's family comes tonight. His parents are staying here, while his sisters are staying with the bride. I'm not crazy huge on my house being flooded with people. Especially people I don't know very well. I guess I could get used to it, if they stayed for a time that was more than a week. Turns out, the older you get, the less substantial a week seems. Now, a week seems like nothing. They manage to fit a lot into this nothing. I think the Bride's father is coming up today too, and staying here. And one of my friends is playing music for their wedding. He comes up tomorrow.

More people make me feel like a stranger in my own house, and once I'm past that, like I have to be entertaining for the duration of their stay. And I'm not really entertaining. I might actually be more annoying. Which explain why I don't think my friends like me too much by the time they are leaving after a stay. Despite all that, I wish more people would come for more time. I hate being alone. Sometimes I need it, but not as often as I have it available. I can't just drive away from it anymore.

I'm staying here to work for the summer. I'm pretty sure, anyway. The days might start being longer than 8 hours. My best beloved is going to a camp that I love for the summer. I'm going to miss her a bunch. That's why I want more people to come. They can't replace her, but maybe I won't feel so alone. She left yesterday for the night. She comes back today. I haven't had time to write here for a while. Now I do.

I don't have to worry about that yet though. So I won't

How to be a rockstar

2011-02-16T16:14:00.000-08:00

I thought about writing something really cool and vague but deep on the topic of how to be something, which would totally tell how to do something, kind of, but would also give you a window into my life, through ridiculous intelligent and clever sentences. Alas, I have to know something before I can tell anyone how to do something... You know? I have a friend who has a blog, and I didn't know, and I found it and read it, and he is intelligent and clever. I like those words. It reinspired me to be both of them. Not that I lost inspiration. Just, sometimes, I forget.

I like adventures. I think my clever, intelligent friend should come have adventures with me. Right now, my adventures are somewhat limited. I blame Jed. I blame Jed for everything, and it just isn't right to do that. I blame work. I get up early and do my stuff, and then after I don't want to do anything. As long as I don't stop, I'm okay. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not destined to be a log planer. Not that destiny has anything to do with it. They don't really have work for me right now, so every day I work could be my last. Really messes with your motivation.

Perspective is everything though. Everything is perspective? It's easy to look at life and feel like you couldn't do it. Like you can't do it. And then you lose, game over, and take your ball and run home, but running fixes nothing, because you still only see what you want to see. Or you can fight it. Life gives you lemons. That cliche.

I don't actually know. I know perspective plays a big part in life. I know living defeated sucks.

I like adventures. When I drive at night, and no one is on the road, I think I could drive anywhere. Just drive all night. I could be in a different world by morning. I could go see anyone I wanted. I could go anywhere. I can go anywhere. Do anything. I think sometimes people get stuck, and so they dream, but they don't reach their dreams because they seem unattainable, because the dreams are future, and the people are stuck. But they aren't actually stuck.

I like the idea of setting dates. Let's get married this day. We might go crazy making it happen, but it will happen. Let's go visit that guy who left us. It's nice talk, but things don't seem to happen, in my experience, without something making it happen. Things don't happen by themselves. People don't change because they want to. They change because they have to. If they don't have to, they won't change. Want to change? Put yourself in a place where, unless you start changing now, you won't be able to handle what's coming. This is garbage. I agree with what I'm saying. But presented like this, it's garbage. I should delete it. I won't though.

I should click that monetize button. One day.

We wanted to do a worship night where we brought youth groups from around the area together. So, we puttered around for a while, and finally we set a date. And did nothing. But, as the date is coming closer, we realize we have to do something. We put things in motion that, well, they can be stopped, but that will be embarrassing.... And so we make stuff happen. Find a speaker. Youth groups. Find a band. Or maybe step up and BE a band. I don't know how that story ends yet. You can pray for it though. It's God's anyway. Right?

Maybe I should be doing something else right now.

Pumpkin pie

2011-01-27T21:31:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just need to write something here so I will stop thinking about stuff to write here. I plane logs now again. It doesn't take up much mental anything, so it's easy to let the mind drift. And so it does.

I thought about regrets. What if I could go back in time in my life, and live life again from that point on, with all the knowledge I have now? What if I could go back to when I was in highschool, and realized I could do anything I wanted, and actually did something instead of waiting for it to do itself? What if I wasn't scared of new situations and people because they weren't new? Man, I would do things different. Then I realized I was now. Planing logs. It weirded me out a bit. If going back, I would do things different, why don't I do the things that come now how I think I should have done them then? If that makes sense. I'll try again. I'd be friendlier and less shy, more likable if I returned to past situations. Why don't I do this with current situations? Then I thought I should write this down. But there were logs to plane... so I didn't.

But I did keep pondering it. If I did go back and get myself all skilled like in highschool, there is a really good chance I wouldn't be where I am now. Which I guess is part of why I'd want to go back and change stuff. But if I had stuff going, getting skilled and all that, would I have still gone to camp for most of the summer? And, more importantly, gone back the next summer for the whole thing? Because without camp I never met her, and without the next year our relationship never grew. And it continues to grow. If I knew going back and getting skilled made me rich, but I never met her, I don't think I would get rich. This is sounding like one of those movies, where a married guy isn't happy with life, and has a redo. Like seventeen again. Or Shrek. Kind of.

Wisdom was on my mind a bit, so I started reading proverbs. It is true that wisdom has lots to do with listening, and taking advice and rebukes to heart, but 'a word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver'. Or something like that. Even a fool is considered wise if he keeps his mouth shut. Wisdom is much more than not talking.

I'm learning (the hard way) that the easy way out is never worth it. Maybe not never. 'Never' and 'Always' should not be used in arguments. Nor should accusatory sentences. "You never listen" "You are always late" Bad. Anyway, I play a nerd game sometimes, and you can beat it, keep a skill, and then play it again, with the option to make it harder. or not. But the harder you make it, the better the rewards are. This might not all make sense. Don, my favourite author, wrote a book about story, about how good stories are about character who overcome a crisis to get what they want. That makes a good story. He went on to talk about how those same principles that make a good story can make a good life.

The harder things are, the more you want to back out. But, if you stick it through, if you overcome, you are something more afterwards. You've grown. If you run out, or give in, give up, you lose. The rewards are nothing, if they are rewards at all, compared to sticking with it. To overcoming. Check out Revelations 2-3. To him who overcomes...

It's worth it.

Ain't it something to know...

2011-01-08T11:14:00.000-08:00

The problem with the world can't be boiled down to one problem. Can it? I guess one could try. I'm not that balzy though.

Nor am I that talksy. I went to a bible study with some guys. It was defs an older person bible study. and really small. I like small. There is nothing wrong with small. Just, when someone doesn't talk, it gets noticed. In the beginning, I disagreed heavily with what they were saying. But as I listened, they went other places that I did agree with. I was glad I held my tongue, and so continued to do so. Afterwards, one of the guys told me I was the wisest one there. Apparently wisdom doesn't speak. Or those with wisdom don't. Maybe that's true. Maybe that is why things are the way they are today.

Some things never change though. I believe men need to work. Not necessarily that they were made to work, but that they need to. Paul says if you don't work, you don't eat. I like that rule. I'll be a great parent. And even before that, with the fall, work had to be to get food. Farming is a lot of work. You can diss farmers if you want. You can also starve if you want. Since I believe I should be working, not being able to find anything is all the more frustrating. No wonder the unemployed feel so helpless. So useless.

One day, if things work out, I'll build things. I like the idea of building something. I also like the idea of getting better, at improving on what you do. It's work though. There's no such thing as a free lunch, or so I've heard. The good things in life are worth waiting for. The good things in life are worth working for. Worth living for. But still, I sit here, not really working towards anything. Unemployed people might think they are lazy too. No matter how much work they do. And no matter how little work they do, they are still tired. Bizarre? I think so.

I've heard, in some societies, they have a rite of manhood, where a boy becomes a man. After this rite, he is no longer treated like a boy, because he is a man. If they continued to treat him like a boy after he underwent that rite, he might continue to act like a boy. We don't have rites of manhood here. Now. So, boys go on being boys until they get tired of it. Some never do. Some end up being thirty, forty years old and still living in their parent's basement. And then boys meet girls and make more, who also don't learn about being men.

It's time someone grew up. Not saying people don't. I know lots of people that I shared my childhood with who are all grown. What I am saying is, it's probably time for me to grow up.

I wish I decided this years ago though.

Speeding metal things

2010-12-08T23:09:00.000-08:00

I have some to say about these. Firstly, I think these are dangerous. Doesn't matter how you look at it. Who thought metal flying around at ridiculous speeds was a good thing? Now, the description 'Speeding metal things' can apply to a variety of objects. Like bullets. But in this episode, I am referring to automobiles. My thoughts and past encounters with them, in order.

Speeding is an interesting thing. The law says you can't go faster than this, but everybody does it anyway. I was passively against speeding before I started driving. Passively meaning, I don't think I would speed, but the next guy can do what he wants. I understood, and understand, that speeding doesn't actually get you places that much faster. And if you need to speed to get somewhere on time, well, better late than never, right? This is all great theory, and I still agree with most of it. But once I started driving, I definitely started speeding. Sometimes. When someone was right on my tail, I felt like it was rude to not go faster, and though I was relieved when someone in front of me did the speed limit so I had to too, when no one was around I still sped. I still think speeding is kind of stupid. Anyway, one of the times I was behind a speed limit car, being thankful, I had a thought. I guess it was from God, perhaps. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish which are from me or not. Looking back, none of them are clearly labeled. But I'd like to think it was from God.

The thought was that breaking the law or not shouldn't rely on what others around me are doing. If someone behind me wanted to go faster, I sped up. I didn't speed when there was a slow car in front of me, but that was it. My ability to follow the rules or not depends on me, doesn't it? Why did I let other people's actions decide what I do? So I slowed down. At the time it was voluntary, but now my hand has been forced.

On Saturday, I was driving to pick up Steph from work. So, I rounded a corner, and there was something in the road. It was a log. I almost dodged it. It went flying off the road to the right, and I pulled over. Hit the rim pretty nicely. Changed the tire. A guy pulled over to help me. Nice guy. Got it all changed, and off I go. Except poor Maggie wants to go right, all the time. Log did more damage than I thought. Sunday afternoon I got my mechanic(and only) roommate to look at it/drive it. He deems it dangerous. I went to a place to get it fixed, but they sent me to another place that I don't know the location of. It's really sketch driving in snow now. I drive really slow.

Tonight, My fiancee was in a car crash. She was going slowly, but the road was super icy and the car spun around. It's hard not to press on the brakes. They make you stop most of the time. The car hit a telephone pole on the other side of the road. Her and her sister were okay, but shaken up. When I got to the hospital, they made me wait. and wait. and wait. I was so mad. But I finally got to see her. Crashing shakes a person up a bit. The car is toast. They are okay though, and that's what matters. That's all that matters.

I heard I sermon once, or maybe it was just an announcement, or just maybe I was daydreaming in church (oops), but the thought stuck on how dangerous cars really are. It's a passive belief, and any hope it has of growing is squelched by my forced reliance on them. I don't live ten minutes walking from town anymore with a fancy bus service.

I don't like cars.

Fifths

2010-12-03T16:32:00.000-08:00

So, this first chunk will be updating all my internet stalkers on where I am. I haven't posted here since April, and might not post again for a while. But I like that it is still here, and that I can still continue to write whatever I desire here. Beautiful.

I passed year one of Bible College. Not flying colours, but I sure didn't suck. It's like in highschool, where I could have done well if I tried. At that time,. trying seemed ridiculous. I'd rather just have fun with my friends who were there. Which I do not regret at all, because through events they left me or I left them. We are still friends, just not in the same place. So, no regrets, but at college, I tried, and I did better. Fancy that.

In May, Steph and I rocked the world. Well, not quite, but it sounds cool. We went up to Fort Saint John, because some of her family lives up there. I hadn't met them before. Before we left, the head of the family had a talk with me about being responsible and stuff like that. You're getting married? Do you have a job? How will you provide for her? Do you have a house? All very good questions. Still, I was upset. Probably most because I knew he was right. I wish he wasn't though. If he wasn't right, then maybe I would be married right now. Things would not be easier, but different things would be hard than the things that are hard now. I still wish I was more together.

We spent the summer at camp, and grew a lot. The theme was trials, which was great. I know camp is for the kids, but I'll betcha I got more out of it, and am still getting more out of it than the kids did. Life is hard, which leaves me lost and weak feeling. 'unprepared' 'irresponsible' 'not ready' 'sincere but misled'. Which make trials and hard stuff great. I can't do it. I'm not self sustaining. Independence leaves me dead. I'm not enough. I know who is though. That helps.

After camp, I went home and practicing driving lots. Tons. Not enough. I failed my N test, and was very sad. Trials, right? My dad gave me a couple books to read. One about what we do with our money(I was very skeptical, but it was actually pretty good) and one about trusting God. They might have changed how I think. I'm pretty sure everything changes how I think. I passed the test two weeks later. Barely.

Hours after passing, I had bought a car and got it insured. Woot woot. But, the car was a standard, and I didn't actually know how to drive standard. Oops. Haha. So, a friend of mine who did know how to drive standard drove with me a bit. It helped. The next morning I had breakfast with my bad and my brother before moving. I stopped off at the college on the way up. I like those guys. Arrived at my destination the next day.

I arrived on a Thursday. The monday following a guy called me with a job, which was sweet. But only two weeks long. But when it ended, he called another guy who had a job for me. Also sweet. That lasted three weeks.That's the beginning of November. A whole month of being sad and not having a job despite much searching. I hate job searching. Now we are here. I have no money, and some by the end of the month fo sho. But, I got a part time job as a sandwich artist starting on Tuesday. It's something. And I still know I'm not alone.

I don't fully know what I want to do with my life. I know I want to marry my beautiful fiancee and support her well, have a family, please God, good stuff like that. But the how I support them, I have no idea.

There have been things in my life that I have thoroughly enjoyed. Musical theatre throughout highschool, Camp, Look Out Behind You. I play a dumb game sometimes. It's great. It's lots of fun, I think. The creator and company do radio shows and stuff, and I'm nerd enough to listen to them. I find, more than playing the game, I'd rather be on their end, making it happen. But I know I wouldn't fit with them. From what I've seen, those who are putting the whatever on for the rest generally have a better time, and a tighter community. Sometimes, after I watch a movie, I like to watch the bloopers. Who doesn't? But after that, I might end up watching a commentary. Or two. Weird eh? I blame the bloopers. I see the community they have, and I want to be a part of that. Which translates to me telling myself that I want to be an actor. But even in highschool, I noticed that the teachers, faculty I should say, had their own community going too. I hoped that writing this out would clean it up in my head. Hmm.

Essentially, I decided I need to start something that does something for people who need it, and I need to do it with people. I just don't know what it is, or who it is for.

Objects in Space

2010-04-07T20:59:00.000-07:00

A large portion of me frequently thinks I might be insane, or at least really, really weird. Yeah Werner, we all know that. Ha. Ha. So. Funny. The way my head works seems so ridiculous sometimes. I'm pretty old, and I still don't know how I work.

People keep telling me I am lousy at posting often. It's true. You win. Tell me it more. That's how you change things. Or, maybe, just maybe, I know it sounds crazy, but you could give me something to post about. Life as a student is highly exciting. Full of excitement. Excitement that by no means is internet worthy, and that sure is saying something. We may never know what, but it is definitely something.

I'm getting married! In September! Some people wonder why I want to marry her so fast. The bestest reason I could think of is that, once I marry her, our relationship doesn't have to be distant anymore. There are benefits to distance, like you can't do stupid things like go swing dancing together. You can't really do much together, except talk, and so we talk, and talking is great. We understand that we are different. That it won't be all roses. But, every short visit is tough because we are ripped apart again. And, until we say some vows and sign some papers in front of some witnesses, establishing a covenant with each other, that's all we have to look forward to. Distant talks and painful farewells. Sounds great, right? Sicko.

I highly enjoy Mark Hawkes classes, as I have probably said before. Almost definitely. I should read this more often. We are almost done. Just weeks left. Three and half left. So we are in Deuteronomy, because the Pentateuch is the first five books of the bible, and Deuteronomy is the last book. This must be hard reading. Well, the emphasis was how do we love God? The class has been applying things I had known before in ways that totally make sense. Why are there so many laws in the bible? Well, why do shampoo bottles say 'Do not drink'? We needed the rules. We need the rules. And the more we break them, the more we are given.

This morning was about how God loves us, and entered into a covenant with the Israelites, and then... that's what a wedding is, right? A covenant between two people? Doesn't the New testament say a few times that we are the bride of Christ? Yeah Werner, we all know that. Sure you do. Prove it. If God is wedded to us, he has shown and shows that he loves us. And if we want our union with God to last, we have to show that we love him too. Love is a choice. Sure, love can be a feeling, but when the feeling fades, you can still love. If I treated Stephanie like I treat God, she wouldn't have said yes. How do I show God that I love him?

I asked Stephanie once, how was best to show someone that you loved them, and she said, "to show someone you love them... I think it's in the way you live, it's the way you treat them when they are around, it's the way you behave when they arent around. It's making choices that you know they would smile at.. rather than cringe at. That's what I think anyways..". Sometimes I wish following God boiled down to things I could do. But, the things I am supposed to do, I do so badly at. Other times, I think it is best how it is. Even if it has to be so hard, all the time. And by so hard, I mean the same situation, over and over again. God pulled through once, can he do it again? Why is that hard?

I've discovered also, that despite my statements about being old, I am actually really young, and know almost nothing. So, I don't really mind some time learning, being built, becoming equipped, if you will. I'm not making sense anymore. Post end.

Between

2010-02-17T09:35:00.000-08:00

Ahaha. So, I'm in between class now. Not classes, but class. Gotta love double blocks. Especially this one. Pentateuch might be my favourite course this semester. This morning, I woke up early. Not early enough to pick daffodils, but early enough to have tons of time for breakfast and even get to class early. Only to discover, someone thought pranks were funny. They moved everything in the commuter lunge into a classroom, a classroom into the lounge, and another classroom into the hallway. And they put lots of chairs in the boys washroom stalls. So, I was conscripted. These cool kid prankers also messed with the projector, and there was no power point for us this morning. Brilliant. But is was still a good class, because... Because why? Well, the plagues are really cool, and Mark is a good teachers, and it has built my expectations up high, and they haven't been let down yet. And he is the only teacher I personally elected to tell I was engaged.

Oh yeah, I'm engaged. I said I wouldn't type this story, but I have half an hour, right? Why not? Stephanie was moving to my island, so she drove down to visit me before catching a boat to my island. We didn't really know what to do while here, so we had a tour and walked around and visited Mike and Michelle. Mike said, hey, you could probably go with them. I remembered discussing why we couldn't though, so I rehashed those. Chairs-don't worry about chairs. Umm.... it's illegal. Oh. Well, we tried. However, the next day, Sunday, Mike was driving to the ferry in the morning anyway, and in the evening anyway too, so... Stephanie and company left, and I started thinking, I could totally go to my island tomorrow.

So I did. I caught an earlyish ferry, grabbed a bus, landed at a mall. And went ring shopping. Oh man. This one guy was trying to sell me things as though I had money. Yeah right. Then I hoofed it real fast to her house, wondering if I knew the right place. I knew a place, and I knew where I was going, but if I had it wrong somehow, I had no idea. But I didn't have it wrong. I got the grand tour, and then I walked her down to the mall so she would know where the mall that was really close to her was.

We got back to her place around 5, and then headed out in search of a park. I knew there were parks everywhere, but I kind of forgot where. We saw a car gate, and figured parks have car gates. Do parks have car gates? I don't know. It was not a park. I later learned that, had I just continued up the road another five minutes, we would have found a wonderful park. great view and everything. But, that didn't happen. We had found a water reservoir. and it was misty, and kind of creepy (creepy good) and there were empty lots that looked like houses belonged, but they didn't. No dogs were allowed on the reservoir, so we walked around, and found a potentially creepy path, and Stephanie wanted to walk it, because it wasn't creepy yet, because it was not dark. I said we should chill at the reservoir though. I still don't know where that path goes.

We walked into the middle of the reservoir (because we are not dogs) and I pulled out a magic twig. The day before, when she was visiting me at the school, she gave me some magic leafs that would allow me to ask her a special question, and she would have to answer, honestly and without avoidance. She had been thinking that she does that too often, and she doesn't want to. That was her purpose for the leafs, which were gross, so we ripped the leaf part off, and thus, magic twigs. So, I gave her one of those. She gave me two, but I couldn't find the other. She asked me what my question was, and I totally had one, but I was scared, so I stalled. We talked about romantic things like earthquakes and animal pee. Delish. Eventually, she didn't believe I had a question, and said she could keep the stem until I did. But I did have a question. I made her count to thirteen, and she did, since she figured we were being very silly. Do you know what happens now? No, what? I tell you what my special question is. Oh, I knew that. So, what is it?...

Nothing happened.

We walked over to a water pump thing, and then to the other side. No more stalling Werner. Okay. I told her she should sit down, close her eyes, and count to five. She said it was wet, so she didn't want to sit, and last time she counted, nothing happened. But she agreed eventually. She didn't sit down though. She counted to four, and her numbers were all over the place after that. I smiled. Her eyes were closed, so I could assume the position and bust out the ring. Yes, I got a ring. I asked her, when she was done counting, and she said yes and called me crazy and Spanish, and was very excited. That's pretty much the story, right? We walked back to her place in the dark.

We started telling people pretty quick. Some people were that, 'that's so cool!' and others were like 'okay. Congrats', and still others 'What? I didn't even know you were going out', and more recently 'Really? is it true?' Is it really that unbelievable? Recently, we put it up on facecrack. Immediately, comments were on Stephanie's side of things. Many likes. My side, nothing. There is one comment. From Stephanie. Because I kept complaining that nobody liked that I was engaged, only that she was. More people care that if I tried to bus in Vancouver, I'd get lost. Jarper even likes that. hahaha. Oh Jarper...

They shut down the internet soon, so, like it or not, this is the end of this post. Happy 100th post! haha.

A Passive Fight

2010-01-27T21:32:00.000-08:00

I went to chapel tonight, because it is Wednesday night, and on Wednesday night, they have a mandatory chapel service, so I went to chapel. I've been wondering things for a week now. Last week, I was also at chapel, because it was Wednesday, and... anyways, last week they had a really good chapel service. People kept talking about it over the next days. But, I don't respond as well to services as I used to, so I didn't get a super lot out of it.

See, I was younger once, and I saw other people trying that stuff, and that was the thing to do. So I did it. I tried the praying thing, lifting my hands up, laying on the ground. I laid for a long time, and as I lay there, I wondered what was supposed to be happening, and why everyone else was laying on the ground. I tried to get comfy, so maybe I was doing it wrong, but the carpet wasn't really that clean, and there are comfier places. Eventually I stopped figuring doing stuff at some emotional service with fancy lights and mood music would do anything. It has to be more about outside, in real life, right? Some guy said we had heard lots of sermons already, and that we didn't need more sermons, and I agreed. But, I think I still need something, and it never was a sermon.

Back to a week ago, I pegged it all on a guy, one of the teachers here. He is inspiring, and every class makes me what to do better. He could definitely answer my questions. However, I'm scared of opening up to him like that. I've decided I have to, but it still terrifies me. I can't seem to find the opportune moment. I didn't ask him last week. But all the things he said, about running all for God, no more half hearted crap, I wanted to ask him abouts. How does one do that? What should I do? Can anything I do make God do anything? Yes, but... it has to, doesn't it? The prayers of a righteous man move the heart of God, right?

I figure discipline would help me a lot. Stop me from doing what I shouldn't, while keeping me on the track of doing what I should. Self-control. That is one of them Spirit fruits, right? Well then. I still don't know how to get self control. I figure I learn some things by doing them, so maybe I can just control myself in small things and work up, right? Maybe. This week at chapel though was also good. I like services that don't have sermons. It looked like it was going to have been a pretty solid service, but at the end dorkface who was going to preach, and some other guy suggested he might not, decided he would conclude with his sermon. Oh dorkface. Always surprising us.

I have to wrap this up, but I realized my hero with the answers wouldn't have anymore answers than God would. If he has any at all. Why am I not coming with this to God? People always say that you just got to read your bible and pray everyday, and that makes you a Christian. It makes you whatever I am trying to be. But I've done that before and here I am, still the same, in my eyes. It's frustrating.

The problem is deeper. There are goats and there are sheeps. If you realize you are a goat, how do you become a sheep? Can a man change his heart? If he can, how? I ain't no good at surgeries. Someone popped a blood blister for me once and I got light headed and had to sit down. Embarrassing, yes, but a man's gotta do...

I don't know how to get that deep, or how to change anything if I ever got there. They say that reading that book and talking to walls helps. I don't know, but there is no harm in trying...

Football

2009-12-09T00:56:00.000-08:00

I am writing this because I was told to. When I asked him what to write about, he told me it was my blog, so I could do what I wanted. I found that kind of funny, how he said I should write, but then told me it was my blog. He suggested I write about him. A story maybe? Well, there you are. There's your story. If I was a bad a jerk, then I would end it all here, and I would have written, like I told him I would, even about what he suggested, while still making my point. However, I think I have more to write about, so I will. And it would be kind of chintzy to say I was going to write something and do that. So there. Integrity.

And Purity. I watched a movie. I don't get to watch many movies here on my hill. It wasn't on my hill, it was in a theater, but that made it more special. When do I see movies in theaters anymore? The last one I saw was...in June maybe? September lates. Jordan invited me, which was cool. And there were actually a bunch of people going, which was a pleasant surprise. And, apparently Tuesday is special at that theater, so we got pop and popcorn for free with our tickets. Crazy. I was thinking 'I sure ain't getting any overpriced theater food', but it happened. So I turned down the popcorn and got a fruit beer. It has been a while for those too. Jordan got a water, but, oops, it's carbonated. Sort of funny. We watched Blindside. I decided it is about purity. To some degree anyway. Maybe I'm delusional. Whatevs. I laughed and I cried, it was beautiful. An experience to be had.

It made me miss my lady friend a bit. I guess it is about nine more days. Yes, there is a countdown. Is that bad? I missed her because I decided I want to experience life with her. Friends, you can ask a lot of them, but you can't ask them to give up life as they know it to come live a life with you. It shouldn't be expected, and it is sort of weird to ask. Weird doesn't stop people anymore. To know and be known, to experience everything in this world with someone, that is special. That is why I miss her. Sometimes I think it is because I am a stupid boy, but it is more than that. But, enough of this.

I have it in my head that people don't like it when someone speaks of their other. So, I try to avoid doing it too much. I learned stuff at Bible College. Honest. Even some stuff about God. He does not work anything like I thought he might. I don't know how I thought he worked before, and maybe I didn't. I just thought he was. But he gives us chance on chance. Knowing more makes reading the bible fuller. same with prayer. It's funny, not 'haha' funny but a 'whoop whoop' funny, how now that it is more, I still don't do either much. I could get into comparisons between a boy and a girl and how God loves us, but I said I wouldn't talk of that much. Also, I am more accountable now for what I know. God gives us things for us, but we are supposed to share it. It ain't only for us.

I grew up in the church, and I have (or had. Who knows anymore?) a decent memory, so I know most of the bible stories. I went to the things with the youth groups. I know the kind of thing that is spoken of. And how often different things are spoken of, so much so, that when a person doesn't know something I have known since childhood, it throws me off a bit. I know. How could I think everyone knows what I knew? But it was so common, I assumed. As such, I feel like anything I might have to share ain't useful because it has all been heard before. There is nothing new under the sun, right?

That's the craziest thing though. Despite nothing being new, every child born has to catch up from the beginning. It is all new. Mark says that if a generation learned from history, well, we have never had that before. An entire generation not making the same mistakes as their fathers? What would happen? Israel, time and again were shown God's standard. Do this and I will make you plentiful. Do something else, reject me, I'll reject you, and you will be left to the world. Judges, over and over again. Kings, over and over again. What if...?

Also, God gives things to us to share. If we don't because we don't think anyone needs it, or that they have heard it all before... I'm not saying that everything you have been given needs to be publicly proclaimed. Motives. It always comes down to motives. If you announce everything that God has given you all the time, you better have a good reason, because I would probably like to punch you. Why do you say what you say? Somewhere, it is said that your words come from your heart. That is where evil or good comes from in a man. That is why you can give your body up unto the flames, and never once deny Jesus' name, but still not make it into heaven. It ain't nothing without love. Why do we do what we do?

Trust is a dangerous, difficult thing. Why dangerous? I'm talking about trusting in God. If he said something, he is going to do that. Do I trust that? The danger comes in when I decided God said he would do something he didn't. What am I then? I'm a fool, and I don't want to be a fool, so I can't pretend God said something he didn't. One of my realized goals in life is to not be stupid. Tricking myself into thinking my word is God's is stupid. But there are things that God defs said to do. It is in that book that he wrote. Loving enemies and neighbours and sharing what you are given. What if God lets you down? It sort of sounds silly to read, why would a God who loves you let you down? What if I wait for him to and he doesn't, what if I fall on my face because I trusted in him? They told me I was being silly. God loves me, and he will be there, and it would be silly to say he weren't. It's scary. What is my point? I don't know. I stayed up too late.

Trust God with your life, even though it is scary, and do things for the right reasons. Is putting stuff like this on the internet silly? Oh well.

Breastpiece for making decisions

2009-10-18T19:17:00.000-07:00

The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.

For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

Sometimes, I go and get really excited about doing things. Cool things. Adventuresome things. Learning things. You know, things that would make people say, when I died, that I led a good life. Intentionality. Instead of being a lazy slacker. I get really excited about stuff like this. But then, it dies, and I still haven't done anything spectacular, or even started to. It is frustrating. Depressing. I'm excited now. I feel like I'm on the edge of so much. I don't want it to fizzle out without something to show. Maybe you can't live excited all the time. It sucks, but it makes sense. You need the downs to measure the ups, right?

Midterms are in the next week, I found a beautiful girl who said I could keep her, bible college is doing it's job, cause I read the bible and pray sometimes and want to. I might become spiritual yet. That last one might be the most exciting. I'm in a band, and we do stuff sometimes. I'm bad at multitasking, so I just have to take something and run with it. I'm also bad at focusing.

I thought that passage was interesting. That's why it is here.

Ten Minutes

2009-09-29T07:45:00.000-07:00

So, I don't got much time, but why not? I wake up early like every morning now. Seven is early, I don't care who you are. Sure, there are earlier times, but I don't think I can do it. I used to be able to. I got sick. And with this paranoia going around, well, it makes me wonder. But I'll be fine. Because I have to be.
You know what else I have to do? Poop load of homework. Like, no wonder I never did it in school. It's tedious and long and unthrilling. And required to pass. But, if I don't do it, I cannot say that I just do what I'm told. And it's fun and easy to say that. So, my brain might explode, but I will have completed hours of boring work. Maybe it isn't even supposed to take hours. Maybe I'm just bad at it.
Who convinced me to go to school?

It's getting colder out. I've busted out my toque. I'll have to upgrade sweaters soon. My beard is thick to protect my face. There are moles about. And helicopter seeds are strewn about the campus. I love those seeds. I wonder if they work when they are wet? Yeah, they are all wet now. It rained last night. So I ate yogurt.

Seven minutes is enough

Your body is a phenominal instrument of science

2009-09-17T13:33:00.000-07:00

I made it Bible college. I have a room with three other guys. One of them is an avid tea drinker. One of them is definitely a nerd. And the other one is from newfoundland. They are fun. I don't see them much, but enough. I'm pretty sure I've read more in the last couple weeks than I have over the last year. So. Much. Reading. But it's okay. I don't mind reading.

The people here are really strange, but they are pretty cool too. I told someone the people here were strange, and they said that's why you're there. I didn't think I was this strange. Someone is vacuuming outside my room. Why? I have no idea. We go to Chapel about three times a week. It's kind of ridiculous. I think so anyway.

And, lastly...Actually, I don't think I have anything else to say. Wasn't that exciting? I was mostly just killing time. Suckers

Everything is a Dragon

2009-09-01T13:16:00.000-07:00

One weekend, Michael and Elizabeth and Stephanie and I all went to Victoria for the museum. Michael and Elizabeth had already paid to get into the museum and seen it all already, so they didn't really want to again. Stephanie and I went and saw the native exhibit tha was on the third floor. Apparently it is always there. Their artwork...well, I figured most of them looked the same. Like a type of animal. There wasn't much point to this paragraph but to get started, but you don't know that.

Camp was good. It was very different from last year, but different ain't always bad, see? I liked this year better. But it was way more tiring. I became the program assistant somehow. That meant I was up later every night, up early every morning, told the kids where to go, rang bells that needed ringing. They told me I was the fun-maker. There were other people there that I'm sure were more fun. But it was good. We got a bouncy castle. Oh man. I tried doing backflips, because when else can I try a back flip and not really get hurt? I landed on my head a bunch. But sometimes I made it around to my knees.

If you really wanted to know every detail about camp, you'll have to find me, catch me, and grill me. Ready in five minutes. Baha. I played Heather at the chapels. One weekend, Look Out Behind You assembled. We played music alright I guess. Considering we hadn't really played together for a couple months...not bad. Words.

I'm pretty sure I'm diseased and should be sleeping. Camp broke me. I can't sleep in nicely anymore, or stay up late. Hosed. And...I'm definitely not in the same place I was in June. I might even be a different person. And I go to College in days, and really have no idea what I'm doing. I'm sort of hoping that week of sleep comes soon. I think every seventh year is supposed to be a sabbath year, or something like that. I've decided that this is my sabbath year. Not that that will change anything. I'm just tired and wishing.

I went to a concert. It said no drugs or alcohol, but that stuff was defs present. Some of the bands were okay. Others were less likable. It happened in a big dust bowl, so it was very dusty and hot. I got a sweet shirt. The longer I have it, the more I like it. And Thrice played. Mmm. That's enough.

Peacing out

2009-06-24T16:41:00.000-07:00

I stole my sister's laptop! Aha! From my brother, funny enough. I'm not terribly fond of lappy keyboards. This one is missing the f key, which weirds me out. But hey, I adventured and want to tell, whether you care or not.

Once upon a time, there was a rock. This rock was called an island by those who 'discovered' it, but it was just a big rock. They convinced me to camp on this. Or maybe I made the suggestion before I saw the 'island'. I liked it though. We needed three trips to get the four of us and all our stuff across in that tiny, deflating dingy, but we made it. THERE WAS A GIANT BIRD!!! Josh and I were first to approach the island, and there was a log/person looking thing on top of where we were supposed to sleep. It was a bird. It was child sized. Maybe childlike. It didn't stick around long enough for us to get accquainted very well.

We made us some cheese quasidillas. Josh was our chef. Did anything exciting happen that night? The sunset was pretty, and there were not any bugs, as far as I could tell. The stars were everywhere! And the phosphoresence was in the water. It was very beautiful. I didn't sleep very well. If I were a writer, I would write about how I was thinking about the stars and phosphoresence and how I revelled in God's creation, or was inspired somehow. I wasn't. I did stare at the stars a while. Watched a satallite. Noticed all my stuff was wet. Brynn said he peed on my pillow, but it had to be more than that. Jon said moisture happens at night. Like it was common knowledge. That I forgot. Not comfortable.

I peed a lot. We figured the tide would be down by morning. It wasn't. I'm going take the credit. When I woke up and the sun was up, I had enough with my wet stuff and bad sleep. Josh was pretty much up. Brynn was the only one who didn't really get up. Josh made us breakfast (whipped, I tell ya. jokes), and we three went for a boat ride. It was about five in the morning. Brynn was up on our return.

Then what? I don't even know. Maybe I drank a coke? Is that note worthy? The tide was going down slow, but still going down. New areas were opening up to be explored. At first, it just allowed us to hop to other rocks without getting wet, but then it got down to sand. Spider crabs, sea annenomies. Where is my spell check? Tiny fish. There were mussels everywhere. I'd say muscles, but...I gotta work on that. And jellyfish. Jellyfish everywhere. I tried to catch one with a spear. Yeah right. The sea life was easily fasinating.

However, Brynn and Josh were more interested in building stuff, and as our ever growing rock had not a single tree, we had to make trips over to the mainland. Or the big island. Full of chinese. They brought us back some wood Matthew and I didn't really want, then told us it was our turn to get some. We lack wood gathering skills. Or tying skills. Water floating skills? There was an octopus stump.

We got some would back, and the natives made a fuss. Matthew left early. We found a skull. Defs not human. I've watched cop shows. I know. It was probs a seal skull. We figured. Brynn the boat around the island by himself. Tres difficult to manouver by oneself. I threw starfish at him. He told me if I hit him, he would be especially upset, and would beat me. I tried getting them into the boat without hitting him. Almost, but he deflected with his paddle.

We packed up, and went home. At some point, I decided I didn't need to have a shirt. Now I have a nice burn. If it doesn't go peeling on me, my farmers tan will be a thing of the past. The three of us were very tired. I went home and lazed around for hours. filled out some important forms. Got jon and tommy to see a movie with me at seven. Except...

Jon's keys vanished. Straight up. We searched all the logical places it could be, then illogical, and still, gone. We looked for over an hour. They were nowhere. He better tell me where he finds them. So that actually didn't happen. I tried to outlast the sun, since I got up when it did, but I didn't sleep very well, and the sun has some crazy endurance. Did not beat the sun. Ugh.

Then, I got a haircut this morning. Ali cut my hair. It is very short. But, I won't have to worry about my hair for a while now. All according to plan. I always tense up when I'm getting a haircut. Haircuts don't care me. It's always some pretty girl cutting my hair though. Crows scare me. I was walking, andsome crow started following me. Whatevs. Caw all you want. Then it swoops past my head. ahahh2qhvahhsdbsdibvhdbjlb. Bit sketched. Not the first time that happened either. I left jon's house. There is a dead bird outside. crow maybe. Another one on the powerlines. Swoops. I snap and point, it backs of. Still, I'm freaked.

Damn crows.

That light looks like a trumpet

2009-06-14T00:02:00.000-07:00

I was watching a musical about a villian. We were going to try to recreate it, but I realized my voice doesn't compare to that of whoever I was supposed to play. What gave me the gall to even think that? Sometimes, you just gotta hit your head real hard to come back to your senses. Or step back and think about things a whale. hmm.

You know how guys can not think about stuff? Totally happening right now. I guess that's okay though. The internet won't see me for a whale, and I'm okay with that. I'm almost done that girl book. I like it a bunch. I think I like Africa. Although, right now I'm useless. What do I do? I can play a little music, or play with their children. Children can entertain themselves. The only time they don't is when you give them technology. Who said this was a good idea? And they make better music than I make. Some might say it is just different, but they don't know what they are talking about.

I guess I go to bible college in September, and they will teach me...What do you learn at a bible college? Learn to read the bible? Talk to Jesus? I guess everyone needs Jesus. Maybe they will teach me that better. But I want to help. Talking a bunch about something doesn't help. It's a bit annoying actually. I'd rather know how to build something or fix something. Grow food and useful things like that. Be a doctor. Save lives. Right now...

I was told that some people know exactly what they have to do to get where they want after the tracks of high school end. Where to go, who to talk to. They've got it all worked out. Me? I'm just figured out where I want to go. No idea how to get there. And they don't make maps for this. Not good ones anyway. There's a guy I admire greatly, who says that we have to wait on the Lord. I'm hesitant of christianese, but he said that so far, God has been taking him to good and better places, so why not? Ain't let him down yet. Maybe...

We'll see.

I will talk to other people after this.

2009-06-13T02:23:00.000-07:00

Umm so my computer is broken. Pretty much forever. Kyle tried to fix it for about three hours. Knothing. We were going to hang out, but I was a rag doll and the computer was frustrating. It likes to turn itself off whenever it wants. Which is tres often. Not useful. Let's explain why I was a rag doll. Ready?

I have a month left to see everyone/do everything/make sure I got all the things I might need for two and then four and four months of being gone. Maybe longer. Hopefully longer. I don't think I need to live with my parents anymore. but anyway, thursday was the market, but before that I was in vic with josh and chris. Bubble tea is a strange drink, but I find it grows on you. Just not 'tangy'. Yuck. Michael was a model. I witnessed that. And then he and Christine and I tried to do stuff, but it didn't work...maybe? I can't actually remember what I did. We might have ended the night with playing music. I think.

I think we might have played music on friday too. Unless that was at night. Might have been. Nope. I did stuff friday. Believe you me. But Saturday it gets fun. Saturday I got to thrid street cafe bright and early, nine fifteen or something like that. fortyfive. nine forty five. Anyway, got a table around ten, started worrying that maybe breakfast wasn't at ten and I've lost my mind, texted my lost band mates."I've got a table". Brynn was outside and saw that I had a table, found me, and I wasn't worried anymore. Michael was in his truck. And confused. Why did Werner get a table? do we need a table? Where did he a get table? the side of the road? He thought things like that for a whale. Until he realized we were eating breakfast and all that jazz. We went to Brynn's, where the show was to occur. Did occur. Started setting up. Kyle came and helped. Kyle made us sound better. I would say good, but brynn's dad said he couldn't make us sound good. That it was impossible. He might have just been talking about me. Kyle said something about it being nice if we had a table. That made us laugh. A little bit.

showtime came. The audience drifted in like an icebreaking vessel through the arctic. With less power. And slower. English is a funny language. Oh, so we played our pretty tunes, and they clapped. The neighbours didn't come over for a while, but they cheered for us through the trees. Pretty dang sweet. We chilled for much time after. Eventually there were about nine of us. But Michael wanted to eat his birthday pie, and Elizabeth, as the pie maker, wished to see him enjoy it. I keep telling him something is there, but...I also tell him he doesn't have to listen to me in these matters. Where is my experience? The seven remaining went and climbed horth hill. Didn't get home till late. Legs covered in insect bites. Those are the nights that make life worth it. Except for mosquitoes. Birthed in me is a deep hatred for insects. Maybe the world would be hosed without them, but there are so many, I should be able to kill everyone I see. Right?

Ten seemed too early, but I made it to church. Ate breakfast after. Third street again. Some diplomacy at Jon's. I made mistakes. Jon took Iberia from my french grasp. But I'd like to see those English try to recover. Heh heh heh. Ate in the skid. Climbed a tower. Beautiful. I have to do that again before I go. After, we stood and conversed with each other for...who knows? An hour maybe? It started off 'where should we go?', but place didn't really matter. And then, time flies.

Monday wasn't terribly exciting till later. I saw Michael for a couple hours. Then at five a few of us went downtown and played billiards. And assassin? I think that is what it is called. Jon stole the 'candies'. They weren't candies. He didn't mean to. Cactus club. They've got one fancy restroom. There was even a chair. For lounging. Maybe? That part was weird. Came back to skid town, enjoyed the beach, checked out the phosphoresence and then it was tres late, and time to go. I think I made a new friend, but turns out I might never see them again. There's that.

That's enough. It just get's boring again after that. Sort of. I heard 'Look Out Behind You!' is playing at serious coffee at 7pm on the 21st. And on the 26th and the Cronk house. Those are cool things I'll probs attend.

Sometimes...

Also

2009-06-03T01:05:00.000-07:00

My house is a sauna. So hot. Sitting here makes me sweat. The air...It's warm like that. You know how, when is a sauna, it gets harder to breath, and even if it didn't, it feels different? As though the air was laced with warm moisture? It feels like that. I was told being in the sauna for a bit and then taking a cold shower was crazy good for your skin. You sweat pretty well, cleaning out the dirt, and then washing it out all nice. Good for the pores.

I am now unemployed. It's great. Sometimes, when I'm walking along, I remember that I'm unemployed, and that it summer time, and I get excited. Right there on the street. Not that that doesn't happen all the time, or like you could tell. Just trust me. Today, I was in Sidney for a couple hours, and... My shirt has a hole in the top, where one of my shoulders are. The sun burnt one of my shoulders through that hole. Isn't that crazy? Some people like this. I think I have to grab someone and jump in the ocean. I would just jump in by my lonesome, but then I would look like a fool. And I ain't no fool. Or maybe...

I imagine myself talking like this to people. How all my words are worth hearing, never mumbled, always confident. They smile and let me finish whatever I'm saying. It's always brilliant and funny. Whatever they say always makes it better. Recently, I realized it isn't like this. In all likelihood, I'll probably be shy or awkward or a jerk. Or mumble. I always know what I am saying, and when you know what you are saying, it doesn't really matter what you sound like. So I really don't know. Bad volume control. In this imagination of mine, the scenes are always different. I talked to a guy I'm seeing over the next two days sometime (ain't fully sure. That's why I was talking with him. Still ain't fully sure.) and pictured myself being funny and impressive, as I always do. Though, I never am. For some reason, he thinks I'm awesome. I haven't the foggiest. I got there and there was this other guy talking about some other thing. The nerve. So I stood and waited until he was gone, but the moment for funny/impressive/imagined me was gone. As usual.

My dad's a pretty funny guy. When I was a kid, I don't think I liked as much as I do now. We were lazy kids. Still are. We need to told, to be yelled, what we should have been doing. We still do. But now, I don't really care how much you yell. If you yell at someone for a while, and they don't care, all you are is tired. Why were you yelling? Anyway, my dad will, when you tell him about some situation (almost anything), he will tell you what he would have done. I would place a stack of money on that is not what he would have done. He's just saying that. I have found myself doing that too. That's what cool, imagined me would have done. We'll call him Wilhelm. For kicks.

Some people told me I walk like my dad. I found that strange. My parents... I watch them. Casually. If they are around. They've been married for twenty something years. It's okay I don't know, because the number changes on saturday. I intend to get married one day. I've been told by a guy or two that I have the gift of celibacy, but I think they were joking. When I get married, I intend it to last a while. Like, forever sounds good. It's interesting to see what one looks like in twenty years. My mother whines a bunch in my opinion. I tell her this, but she doesn't seem to approve. I probably wouldn't either, if my son told me that.

Despite unemployment, I think I have managed to fill up this week with people to see. I should be seeing people, because I don't want to think very much. Thinking gets me in trouble. Makes sad. The idle mind is the devil's playground. I read that in a book today. It made me smile microscopically. I was in that musical. Except, in the book, they said 'workshop' instead of 'playground'.

Hummingbird

Sing With Your Eyes Closed

2009-05-31T03:51:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my last night. Tonight they gave me off. I worked the last five. Do you think I can sleep? I should be able to. I'm tired. I'm getting sick, so I'm all sore and sickly, snotty nose and all. Yuck. It's a bad time to decide you need company. Not even to talk to. Just to be there.

I have half a mind to walk down to slevin and and hang out with Dan.

I'm reading a book by some lady. I won't tell you what it is, because I am increasingly sure it is a girl book. I can tell you when I am done. Won't let you sway me. In the book, a family(all girls except for the father. A large contributor to my suspicion.) moves to the congo. Their purpose is the salvation of souls. Or his intent. The rest of the family aren't really sure why they are there, and do not seem too thrilled about it either. But anyways.

In the book, they realize Africa ain't nothing like it is over here. Straight up. Life there is different. I know a little bit. I've been there. Not long enough to know, to really know, but long enough to see it is different. Life is survival. Here, life is... I'm not satisfied with what life looks like here. Get a job, work the rest of your life until you think you will have enough money to last you until you die. I know there is more, but that is the part I'm just not satisfied with. I won't follow that. What's money anyway? And...What is life without work? Kind of...slow.

People go strange if you leave them alone to long. Like fruit in the sun.

I just don't know what life is. What I want it to be. I think my head is done. I can probably sleep now.

I Wonder What He Is Captain Of...

2009-05-24T08:24:00.000-07:00

10 hours to go. 21 hours in.

It seems I'm good at making not friends. Wednesday night I worked. 4 in the morning, some dork came in. Wanted me to make a whole pizza for him. Jerk. He only wanted one piece...pizza ain't a crazy fast seller at four in the morning. Nothing is. Coffee and papers might just be the winners. I was sort of crashing. Night shifts don't mix well with me having a life, which I was trying to do at the time. That was probably the hardest, maybe second hardest I've ever crashed. I told that to shut up and get out. Well...first I refuse him for about five minutes, then asked what kind of pizza he wanted. He was still kind of hung up on the 'I can refuse service to whoever I want' bit. It was annoying. I told him to shut up and I'd make him a freaking pizza. You just told me to shut up. I'm leaving. Alright, get out. You just told me to get out. Yup. You don't have to be such a prick. Don't you love drunks? He called half an hour later, still whining about his damn pizza. So I made him one, but he never came. What a jerk.

Last night, another drunk came in. He was being friendly. I find them annoying, but I'd rather friendly over...well, I let him use the washroom (we don't have one at night, by the way. Should have refused him right there.), and he was grateful and left. Came back, got a pizza, made comments about robbing the place, said 2 dollars for pizza is taking all his money (pizza is essential at two thirty in the morning. Frick.). I told him to have a good night. You know, implying his exit. He didn't seem to get it (or like it), so I kept on that track. He said something about bashing my head and , and about how I was going to go home and play video games. Man. I wish I were. And we were friends in the beginning.

It seems I'm getting worse at keeping those. temper temper.

9 and a half hours to go.

An upcoming adventure

2009-05-22T00:06:00.000-07:00

Only super nerdy people do stuff like this, but I like challenges. And who cares if I am super nerdy? I don't, so there. We, being me and some other fans, will attempt to recreate a musical from the internet. Crazy huh? Dr. Horrible's sing along blog. If it all falls together, it will be sweet. Unfortunately, I haven't found as much support as I was hoping I would find. That makes it more difficult.

You know in the movies, where you all see them actors being cool and loved by fans who don't really know them? That is their role. Be that guy. The villain. Hero. Singer. Lover. Whatever. They do it, well sometimes, sometimes not, but they don't make the movie happen. You know? Director, camera guys, light guys, ect ect ect. I don't know all the details, but I know it is more than kids pretending to be someone else. I know that. Details details details. It will be crazy amounts of work. But, that's okay. As said, I like challenges.

At the end of this, I will be unemployed. By choice. I won't have enough money. I know that. But I want out. Need out. I can be that man, but I can do better to. I have to. I modelled for a photographer the other day. Maybe I could be a ridiculously good looking male model. If I avoid gasoline fights, I should live a long, blissful life. Realistically, I might kill someone if I worked in a job like that. Do you know me? Does that tell you why?

I could be a rockstar. I'd have to focus a bit, but I could be. Why not? It would be lots of fun. Lots of luck to get in. What's the difference between a park bench and an artist? The park bench can support a family of four. I'd be risking that, but who makes a family at twenty? I joke that my life is over now that I am twenty. Really, I have lots of time left to do fun stuff. Ridiculous, what-the-duece-are-you-doing stuff. Like be a rockstar. Then, in a few years, when I still have nothing, and them secondary educationed kids are done and equipped to get paid big bucks or at least have a plan of some sort, would I regret it? Recently, I've realized I'm not as good at that 'live without regrets' thing as I thought I was. 'You only live once' didn't even cut it. I wasn't thinking. No time for hesitation. Carpe Diem, right? I hesitated.

Or I could be an actor. I don't think I could be, nothing worth getting paid for as is. Enough to have some fun, but nothing to earn a living yet. Practice makes perfect, right? If this reenactment works. Sorry. When this reenactment occurs, I can look at that. Judge off that. Perhaps. I have nothing but fond memories of putting on plays and other such performances. Them planned ones. On the fly, who knows what I'll do. I mean, will happen. So, yeah. I could be famous. Cool eh? Be my friend now. Hahaha.

All that was tangent. Cadence. Word. Aha. The point was, I don't have time now because I work every night, or something like that, and sleep when I am not at work, and then see kids, friends, acquintances, when I should be sleeping and am not. Almost keeps me in that place of tired-enough-that-I-am-still-fun-but-not-dead. Take out work and I'll sleep at night, and have to do anymore. Funny enough, I've found out that no one wants to hang out with you unless you have a job. That isn't what they are thinking, but definitely what happens. In any case involving me. So these projects wil keep me busy. Focused on something healthy. You know?

I wonder if I will ever find someone who takes me seriously in person. I wonder if, when I find this person, I will enjoy them.

Blog about my plane flying adventure.

2009-05-18T20:50:00.000-07:00

I flew zero planes. Now and forever. My eye prevents this. Done.

That would be a funny post, eh?

I finished work Sunday morning. Easy Peasy. Holidays are weird. I came home, packed what I thought I needed (I was wrong about almost everything, by the way. I think the only thing I used was my sleeping bag) and was picked up my mr sissons. Got to the airport, waited for the plane. Ate starburst. Matthew made fun of me. I'm not super function after 22 or 23 hours of awakeness. But fun, until I remember how tired I am. Awakeness is one of those drugs I take too much.
We got on the plane. I was supposed to sleep. Oops. We arrived at the other airport in Kelowna. It's weird being so far so fast. They didn't have any buses, so we shuttled into the town. Matthew asked the guy about free campsites. pshh. Matthew. We searched for a tent for a while. A long while. It was about 10 in the morning when we got there. We realized that nothing downtown sold tents. Phooey. I sort of slept at the park for a while. That I'm-pretty-much-asleep-but-am-aware-of-some-things-that-happen-around-me asleep. Till 1:30. Then we found out no movies were playing, and continued the tent quest. Quent test?
We saw a thing, one o' them store overhang things. It said information. We believed it, but it was tres bizarre. It was white, and just a room. With a kitchen. Open front wall. Couches. What is this? We sat in the comfy funiture until a guy came over to see what we were doing. He explained that they are trying to sell suites that look like it did. Without the funiture. We used his washroom and were told to check sportchek in orchard park for a tent. The quest lives on.
We bused over there and asked a guy with cauliflowered ears where their tents were. Nope. He said to try canadian tire. He pointed us in a direction. We walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. Made fun of some signs. Some stores. Sweated profusely. Wished I had somewhere to keep my bag. Walked some more. I hear ladies like sweaty men anyway. Or maybe I just made that up.
Then it looked like residental are only next, so we turned around. Got some powerade so we didn't die of dehydration. It was hot out. The cashier girl told us we were way off. She pointed us in the direction we came. There was much frustration. We drank about half our powerades. Matthew tried to convince me to watch the game. Nope. Press on. The tent quest awaits. We made it back to pretty much where we started. Future shop, Movie theatre, Zellers. Let's try zellers. Could. Not. Find. It. GAHH. We waited at the movie theatre until fourish when our knowledge kelowna friends came to save us. Turns out we would have found Zellers if we walked another minute. But now we are late. Canadian tire in westbank. Got tent. Got to where we had to be. Success. Now for a different game.
It was Lauren's birthday on Saturday. Her party was on Sunday. I don't know anyone in Kelowna really. I've been awake more than 30 hours by now. There were many people to meet. I tried to let my lack of sleep allow me to be more extroverted, but I just got tired. Met a few that I remember though. I sort of wished I brought heather, but considering the tent quest, it was for the best.
After most guests had left, 9 of us went to watch a movie at the house Lauren was house sitting. It was called........... Garden state? I wasn't super fond. and pretty tired. I sat on the floor next to the bed. Lauren and melissa? and Jared went for a walk...they weren't really watching the movie. I wasn't really either. Should've gone. I went to the semi sleep state for a bit. The movie ended about one, and we assembled and walked back to Lauren's house. The house owners would be home soon. We went to the park and set up the two person tent wrong. It stayed up though.
This is very detailed. too detailed. And not at the same time. Cool, huh? 2-7 we slept, Matthew and I, too close together. We got up so early because, I don't think we were supposed to be tenting in the park. Unsetup by 7:30, Found a convience store, got some breakfast/granola bars/juice. Walked, saw some strange animal.Walked back. 8:30. Found some grass. Slept. maybe full. I'm unsure. 10 or 1030 we started up the wrong road (my fault), turned around(also me), took a short cut(Matthew) and continued going the right way(him again). I tried to turn the wrong way, but was corrected. We met Lauren and Grace and drove into town.
We got some pachos. What are they? We didn't know. I was played. I should have seen it coming. If someone tells you pachos have anything to do this chocolate, play along, but it ain't right. good breakfast. BAHAHA. Then we found a gas station. thenn...hmm. Did we go to the park then? I think we did. We were very energetic. Off the wall. We dropped off a music player thing, set off an alarm, and went to grab some Ice cream. Mmm...Ice cream. Enjoyed that on the grass. Mmm...grass. We sat outside a coffee shop for a whale. Went back to the park/beach. Met some other kids. strange kids. They ran into the cold cold water. we sat on the bench. The exciting water runners left, and it was time to go to the airport. Already? yeah. Dang.
we were 4 and we sat around the timmys table. I might have opened myself to the possibility of tonsilitis. I'm told you don't want to share drinks with people who have tonsilitis. Then they had to go and we went through security, and I realized I never told Lauren that I like her. Dang it. Missed an opportunity at the beach. Matthew might say I missed many. I sent a text. Eww Werner what the deuce are you doing? All that for a text? eww.... yup. Then I semi slept until the plane. where it continued. I was pretty grouchy after we passed through security. I have to work soon. Should have slept through this. Instead of this.

EXBELLENT

2009-05-16T21:12:00.000-07:00

My life is a gong show. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Ever been in a wedding? Me neither. until today. It was pretty sweet. I would do it again. It seems to be the right time for everyone to get married. People everywhere will drop anything to come to a wedding. One of those times when all your friends are in the same place. Hopefully. You know how when you are a kid, you are friends with your neighbour's kids and how, as you get older, your bubble expands? It's impossible to bring everyone together. I have a counter strategy, that involves befriending everyone where ever you are. It ain't the same, but it would keep you in good company? I don't know. Also, I am not nearly altruistic enough for that. Was that a word? Altruistic? Either way, it says I spelt it right.

Ever dropped everything, cancelled work, and bought a plane ticket just so you could go see a girl? Logically, it probably isn't too bright, but that's not what I'm known for, and don't fix it if it ain't broken. I also would not have it any other way. Ain't. I think I have watched too much firefly. Ain't is not cool to say, and I ain't no cowboy. Damn.

Night shifts. Graveyard, if you will. Someone came in one night and told me they call them graveyard shifts because they send you to the grave early. Encouraging. Another guy said he was glad he didn't smoke, because shift work takes years off of your life or something. Interesting. I try to function during the day, because hermitdom just is not as fun as community. Funny, that. I'm supposed to be in some kind of garage band and hang out with kids I won't see after June ends. I might. But not much. That time has to get in now. A couple months ago. I've seen other friends try to get it all in a week before they go. pshh. I'll probably do that too, but I don't want to need to. Essentially, I don't sleep. And am really excited/nervousness/tired, perhaps nausious? Like butter over too much bread. And loving it. But...

June, please come soon.

This is one time.

2009-05-05T22:16:00.000-07:00

My friend told me to write this. He also told me to be excellent. And make it long. I figure, if I write this, I am excellent. Who could resist? We will see about length.

I'm super excited because tomorrow morning I get into a truck with three other guys and drive for some hours, arriving in port hardy to meet with our cop friend. AND I work tonight. I wouldn't have slept well anyway. Might as well get paid for it. I'm done work at the end of the month. Woot!! This leaves no time to pack, but I can't pack anyway. Like I'll know what I need. Psh.

And June, June is super exciting too. No jobs, epic plans to camp anywhere. Everywhere. A small island unofficially dubbed Porges island. Sidney spit for a birthday party. A concert. I'm going to play music on stage!! Weird huh? Yup. ANNDDD Then I go to Pender island for two months. Rock on. There won't be many from last year, which means it will be different and a little bit sad, but also very exciting, despite that. Details to come later.

I put my life on hold for the last couple days. I needed to. I am not a machine. Breaks are very necessary, so I took one. I should be getting back to completing stuff soon, like applications to camp and letters to friends. Probably something else I'm supposed to do but forgot. I got accepted to Summit. That means I am really for sure peacing in September. That's exciting too. Abbotsford isn't the most exciting I hear, but it isn't my home island, and that is something. I'm kind of a jerk, but I don't think I will miss those who are left behind too much. Sure, I'll miss them, but there ain't no way I'll stay here for them. There is something else out there, and it's mine.

I had something else to say but forgot and ran out of time and have to go. Yup. Peace.

We need not to climb mountaintops.

2009-05-04T01:45:00.000-07:00

It's from a dark place that you can look at life and see it as a joke.

I was thinking a little bit about momentum, about how everything is easier once you get started. Things like that. It has always been easier to perform once I'm on the stage. I don't really think things through, and you can't just stand there (although I have done that before, and I can't say I didn't enjoy it) so whatever I think of comes out. Most of the time is it satisfactory. I'm afraid I perform too much though. I'd rather just be with myself sometimes. I find I am very entertaining company. I don't feel like I did something wrong after being with me. There is something unpleasant in the aftermath of other people.

But, I really want to be with them too. Every time it is my choice, even my fault, that I see these other people, these who don't know. I spent an hour just wishing I lived with some guys, just so we could make dinner. Guys collaborating on anything is fantastic. Any task is a puzzle, a challenge, an obstacle that cannot be allowed to remain. We made a fire on the beach in the rain. It hurt to stand too close. Then I thought about how someone would always be there. I think I would be okay with that. I'm decent at ignoring people.

I don't think I can survive the 'real world', whatever that is. Or that maybe I could, but I really don't want to. I don't want to give in to it's demands. From what I've observed, it doesn't seem like a lot of fun. But, I ain't seen much. Barely left my island.

This sandwich has expired.

What Makes a Man?

2009-04-28T18:30:00.000-07:00

I've noticed a somewhat disturbing pattern in some of my friendships. You know, the ones worth keeping. It starts off really solid. And the friendship grows and becomes better, and then. Well, it is repulsed. It would not worry me as much were it not a pattern. I can tell you three or five different instances of said occurrence. They are all crazy different people. I am the common denominator. The problem? It makes me think that maybe I should keep to myself better. More. More better? I guess I am just better in small doses. Or maybe I need a psychologist.

"Better to have flown once than to have never flown at all". A good friend of mine said that. Specifically about flying. Would not want to decontextualize it or anything.

It's funny, the stuff a person believes about themselves.

Confusion

2009-04-23T00:45:00.000-07:00

I was going to write something crazy profound. You know, like always. But I got distracted and learned that somebody beat me to it. I'm quite excited at the moment. And tired, and confused. These tabs aren't helping. Who invented tabs? fools. This morning, I cut my finger. Maybe? I think something got stuck in it. If so, it is still there. I don't know how it happened. I wasn't there. But then there was blood. And customers. And confusion all on me. There wasn't enough blood to be terrifying, and they didn't make mention of it, so maybe they didn't notice, but I had been up for 33 hours or something, and could figure out why there was blood.

Welcome to my life.

I was going to write something along the lines of life as story, because it is. It wasn't very happy, to be honest. Ended badly. In my mind anyway. But, my favourite author ever has something coming that is far better than anything I could make up on the spot. I was browsing some of his internet dabblings, and was inspired somewhere in there. There is a world, a real world, that really needs saving. I shouldn't even need to ask what I'm doing. And there is so much to do. Too much to do.

I was chatting with a guy. I used to think us humans were kind of... dirty I guess? Not right. Not a thing good inside. I didn't delve too deep into this, I just let it be. I knew I was saying I was terrible too. I didn't think I was, but I had to be. I guess that is a way you could think of it. In Blue like jazz, Don says "something inside me…caused Him to love me." What is the point of saving a world that doesn't have any good in it? Abraham pleaded with God over cities so corrupt that they could only find one righteous person. They got him out, then destroyed it. Anyway, this guy feels that way. He said that he puts all of his trust in that bit, in that hope that we aren't all bad.

I know the feeling will fade again, and I'll be bored working, and wish I wasn't born to work dumb jobs and do stuff everyone else has done for years of years. But right now. Right now, I need some sleep. But in the morning, We can go save the world.

You could save us all

2009-04-21T12:05:00.000-07:00

What am I doing?

I've been asked why I have two jobs. I tell them that I don't know. I don't really. I think it was for school or something. Another reason might be that I want to see if I can. Waking up early to jump off a bridge and then working that night with a breakfast meeting the next morning is not a good idea. Working 30 plus hours in a weekend is not a good idea. But I can do it. They brought it, and I conquered.

Hurrah.

I asked some guy if he wanted his two pennies of change. He told me to keep it. But he didn't stop there. He continued, saying that if I saved them all up, by the time I was ninety, and worked there all my life ( at this point I said 'of course') then I would be able to go out and by myself a new bicycle. Then he went out the door. I laughed to myself. I didn't really know what else to do.

Another, more different guy was in last night. He asked me where I got that fabulous head of hair. I assumed it was because he was balding. I told him my mother gave it to me, and I loved it very much. He dwelt on it for a while, then wandered the store for a while. I ignored him and did stuff like I was supposed to. He came over to the hot dogs and started asking about spotted dick, or something like that. I told him we didn't have any. He told me he was only teasing. I knew, and let him in on it. But still he was raving about this dick. I played along. He walked around my store again and came back, telling me about how he was taking a plane the next morning. or something like that. I didn't really hear, but nodded in agreement. It doesn't really matter if I hear them. Nodding is polite? Anyway, when he was finally ready to pay, we did the whole cashier takes his money thing. He asked me if he could take me home with him. I told him that would be fantastic, but I had to stay and work. Not even for a days pay? I'm pretty sure everyone would yell at me if I left. So he left. A few minutes later, the pieces fell together in my head, and I realized his orientation might be a bit different than mine.

Oh dear.

There are some stories. I feel a bit better. But still. What am I doing? If I'm doing this just to see if I can, there is the possibility I can't. I increasingly don't want to. What you do stems from who you are. But...Reading back over the past, I really like my writing, even though I hardly ever like it when I am writing it, and I have to stick to the plan.

What makes someone 'something'?

Chance to explain

2009-04-17T17:09:00.000-07:00

I have a plan. A very boring, dull plan, but still, it is a plan. I won't stick to it though. I just have to stop doing things. I can make it through if I only have one or two things to do. easy peasy. But the real plan that I need to happen is me on a vacation.

In my cadre, we are reading a book about some guys take on life. I love it. And even if the others don't, they might be discovering some of my motivations or inspirations or both. Like my dream to be an expert geologist...I mean. Never mind.

Yesterday, I woke up late from a fourteen hour sleep (I always wake up late.) and was still super tired I went to element, but no one was there. I sort of napped at the church for a while. sort of. eventually, it is eleven and I am sleeping. Then it is two thirty and I am awake. And three thirty finds me still awake. I refuse insomnia. Straight up. But, an hour and still nothing, so I did some things for another hour. like eat pound cake and drink chocolate milk. Four thirty I was sleeping again, six my alarm went off. seven I woke up late. again. I was supposed to be at work or something. I was ten minutes late or something. I'm late for almost every morning shift. I was still tired though. I described it to a couple people as being jet lagged, but I didn't get to go anywhere. What day is it? Forty something days left.

But I go bungee jumping in a few days. There are cooler things, but not right now.

The elephant

2009-04-08T22:09:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who describes how her brains works as something like standing beside a train that is going full speed, and she sees all these images and ideas and thoughts passing by as quickly as a train, and she just picks one at random and speaks it. That's kind of what I do here.

I don't think I have ever let myself get to this sorry a state before. I've worked a few nights in a row now. The weekend I have only had naps, and Haven't mustered much better since. My body is not accustomed to sleeping enough. Which is great. Four or five hours, and then I'm up. 8 hours is such a waste anyway. Eventually, I just won't sleep, and will have excessive amounts of time on my hands. If I thought my body could take what it is taking now. I was playing some game this morning (you know, when I should have been sleeping) and I would fall asleep whenever I closed my eyes. I got my nap in, and that kept me going for a while, but then... Who told me I could do this? That I wanted to?

I would sleep more, but I need more hours. I want to do things. I want to learn to drive. Play music well. Make that stuff I got worth while. Be a godly man. Clean my perpetually unclean house. Keep my friends. They aren't easy to keep when you can't see them often. These are mostly time management problems. I think. But if not sleeping can correct my lack of organization...

I pick dates about a week away from whenever I am, and that wil be when things get better. Life will be what I want it to be. I just have to wait. I don't think that is true though. Time for a different approach. Yeah.

Yeah.

Nutmeg

2009-04-05T19:12:00.000-07:00

Most of the time I pass up sleeping because I have something to write here. But this time, I figured I should be sleeping, but I'm not for some reason. So I'm don't have any point in this. Sometimes I try, but I'm not sharp enough. So I will just write to you.

I've been working too much. Today was beautiful. Is beautiful. If the weather was like this everyday, I can't tell you how much I would explode with joy. I like days as pretty as this one. And summertime. And having time to chill, but not incapable of making stuff happen. Finishing tasks and such. And this guy who is singing to me now. And Don. I need to meet Don. I also like adventures.

But, if everyday was like today, weatherwise, I wouldn't have known anything else. Anything to make me grateful for this. If I didn't work like a bee, I wouldn't appreciate time off so much. I've been there, and I didn't.

Baha. I can't get over the weather. It's so relaxing. Slow sunsets, the smell of barbeque. I told Michael that I should run off and join some commune, where I don't need to work. He didn't seem approving. Probably because I told him there would be drugs. And that it was a hippie commune. They do drugs, right?

Don said something about God speaking earth, but us finishing his sentence, resulting in how things are now. No time to be fancy. Maybe things could be different. They were meant to be. But the kings like how it is. What can the pawns do?

I'm not making sense.

Run like a Coward

2009-04-02T07:39:00.000-07:00

So, I was at work (I live at work) and was rather grumpy because I couldn't get anything done. I know I only have a job because of customers, but it doesn't matter how much they like me. It matters how much I get done, and how well I do it. And the next person is somewhat hosed when the person before them is behind. That's most of my drive. Getting other people hosed isn't cool in real life. Blocked goals, leading to anger, or something like that.

I was cleaning the oven, which I'm alright at by now. I don't have to think about it, so I think about other things. Like how I am going to be adventuring in June, and how I'm going bungee jumping soon, and about some sweet expensive stuff (not really expensive for what they were. Fantastic deals, in my somewhat unprofessional opinion, but someone more qualified and sales-esk said so. Just expensive for my budget of do-not-spend-money-you-fool.) that I love. About, maybe, skydiving. Sky diving is way cooler. Just ask anyone.

I was speaking with Laura about how cool sky diving is. And expensive. She was saying that the first time you go, you are strapped to a professional, just in case. We joked about him cutting you lose when things went wrong. It was funny. I still think it is. I imagined myself being cut lose, and just falling. Nothing you could do. Or maybe there is. Sky diving would be an easy way to die. It got me thinking to how someone would live after such an experience. At least, in the immediate time after. Life would be a gift. Beautiful. Every decent opportunity that came, taken. I decided I want to live like that, so I really have to jump off something. Or maybe I could just start now. Live like there is no tomorrow.

Once again, another not too new thought with Werner, while he should have been sleeping. It seemed profound at 3 in the morning though.

Something Quiet

2009-03-27T07:49:00.001-07:00

I was talking with Matthew last night in his car while I should have been sleeping. I should always be sleeping, by the way. Even now. We talk about everything. I'm thrilled I have a friend this happens with. I'm excellent at staying on topic. Maybe a new paragraph would help?

We talked a bit about one of our genius friends that we both highly respect. Like, he hasn't been to university but can aid university students with their high end course material. Genius. And modest too. You would never catch him saying this. Unless he was joking. But he doesn't have to. But even with all that, he doesn't have those dumb papers that say you spent a million dollars on schooling to get there. And those papers are crazy useful, I would think. And he may not get them. Tests are kind of scary. I hope he braves it though.

We talked about crowds a bit. We had experienced one recently. He didn't like them much, but I really did. They are fantastic. Every time I see them I am reminded of how much I miss them. I barely even know some of them. They just seem stuck in something dead. In something that doesn't go anywhere. Which is fine. I just don't want to be stuck anymore. I don't want to be dead, breathing. It would be sweet to take them somewhere alive. With life. Somewhere meaningful.

I thought about these as we spoke. About how dearly I love these guys. How I wish I could help. How can I? Do they need help? Could I, even if I knew?

Hi from Arizona.

2009-03-23T13:44:00.001-07:00

I went on a pretty sweet trip. Michael and I drove up to Salmon arm. Or Enderby. Or Grinrod. Not entirely sure, but that area. We found Arizona on the way. We saw a tumbleweed. We felt a bit like cowboys. We got there and made cookies and fit. It was pretty sweet. We went bowling, saw the wharf, which is almost exactly like the pier, but for a lake, and some of the lake was frozen. The whole place was beautiful. We left too soon.

We drove to Kelowna and found a thrift store beside a music store, and then we went to Westbank and found a music store beside a thift store. I found a sweet scarf. And some goblets. And it was really sunny. Lovely. We went to a coffee shop and met Lauren there, and some of her friends. Michael met an old friend again. It was unexpected and quite triumphant, but I'm sure he would rather tell you.

Then we blitzed it down to Abbotsford, only getting sort of lost once. Maybe twice. Mike made us some pasta. It was definitely something. We had a brunchy kind of thing with Kerstyn. Walked some trail that wasn't too exciting. There was much stick and pinecone tossing. Mike showed us something he was building with another guy. It looks pretty sweet. I'm at that college in September, probably.

We got on the ferry. Work schedualed me for five, even though I asked for that day off many times. I was on the five o clock ferry. It did not end the trip off nicely. I was enraged. But ferry rides are pretty long. I calmed down. I was very tired.

I asked Michael what life was about. He started talking about something. He asked what I meant. I didn't know. I don't know. I mumbled something about the stars. He didn't hear. I don't know. We walked up to the top of the ferry and stared at the island specaled waters. It was quiet. Quite. So, something about the stars? The stars seem to say that life isn't what it is. The stars were beautiful every night. The sky blacker, the stars brighter. Mountains everywhere. Covered in snow. Michael talked about how we are fallen and the stars are just far enough away that they didn't get tainted by our mistake. How they know what they are supposed to be. They are what they are supposed to be. And how we aren't. What are we supposed to be? It was really lovely.

I am not okay with where I am now anymore. And not even sure I want to go where I am going. But it is somewhere, and I will not be stagnant.

Ponds

2009-03-17T01:32:00.000-07:00

I shouldn't do this. But, why not? It proves my point, of sort.

I've decided a couple things that apply to everyone. That we are all absurd, and until we understand this, we are all jerks. It's kind of like sheep.

At any job I work, I am forced into contact with humans. Or they are forced into contact with me. People who would not dream of talking to me. Mothers, mechanics, seniors, forty year old men, children. Pretty much anyone. Everyone. There's one guy, he is friendly enough, but kind of weird. He comes often. In my uniform he will talk to me about anything. Everything. But on the street, he will cross the road to avoid walking by me. These strange people are subjected to me, whoever I am. If I'm a loud philippino lady or a girl who doesn't smile or a very strange lady. It doesn't matter. They must endure me. And I them. And through all this, I must say that people are tres bizarre.

It's scary how individualistic we are. It's scary that helping people who need help is out of the ordinary. That strangers are people to be afraid of, even though they are just like you. Mostly.

If this didn't connect, the first sentence is true.

Where the Water Meets the Sky

2009-03-07T02:10:00.001-08:00

I'm reading a book about...well, I'm not entirely sure. I'm halfway through. It seems to be about classy society, but if I were a bit more attentive, I might notice something more. I'm starting to notice that life is pretty crazy. like high class. just... I don't expect to make sense.

There are two cats. We will call one diabetes. The other we can call marble. Diabetes is why I am here. Marble is scared of people. Diabetes is pretty friendly, and lazy like all cats are. Diabetes takes a bit more effort to earn her love, but it is definitely worth it. Plus, less gross things appear for me to clean up. But, once she loves you, she demands your love. It's a bit consuming. It's kind of cool/creepy coming home to the glowing eyes of expectant cats though.

Stacy and I have been hanging out more. Stacy is my bass. She is pretty heavy, but she is beautiful, and so worth it. I told my friend I had to put her on a diet. He agreed. I told another friend. "Werner, I don't know how to tell you this... but Stacy wouldn't be helped by a diet. She wouldn't loss any weight if you fed her. She doesn't eat food. I hope you haven't been trying to feed her. She isn't a real person." It made me chuckle. Chortle. Laugh out loud.

I have two jobs now. Three if you include my cat companions, and four if you include my youth leadership role. I don't see a lot of friends anymore. Which is okay. I read books I don't understand about high society while listening to blindside and drinking coke. It almost makes hanging out with people I know a little more entertaining. Like I forget what is acceptable. But not. I can't explain it nicely. I become a little bit more fun in my mind. I don't know about anyone else. Sometimes, I'm sure I wouldn't think very highly of me if I weren't me, but people don't close doors on my face so I can't be that bad. In fact, someone even invited me to something! It seems to be one of the rarer things that happen to me, so although I was hesitant, and supposed to be completing some duty somewhere else, I accepted. My head still hurts.

The more intimate I become with Stacy, the more I wonder if that's a little bit how it works with God. I can know of scales and triads and relative minors, but what good is that without the intimacy? the practice? Head knowledge doesn't help your fingers much. I've never been able to do that dumb vulcan sign thing with my hand, and it was frustrating, but unimportant, so I dind't care. It seems more crucial now, if only a little bit. Elijah said that if you didn't find reading the bible exciting, if it wasn't something you wanted to do, you need a relationship with Jesus. Or something along those lines. I'm terrible at verbatim. It's cool and sad that Jesus is in a book. I'm told he is real too, and believe it, but the bible is where you find him. Books seem more like where you get the information. The head knowledge. Which is fantastic. But theory doesn't make a good musician. My grade 6 band teacher said that it was all about practice. That perfect practice makes perfect. Other stuff like that. By the way, music is not homework ever. Bandteachers, note that. Practicing the bible is an interesting thought. not new. Still interesting.

That's Enough

Alkaline

2009-02-25T21:32:00.001-08:00

I heard of a story where an interviewer was asking a pastor how much Jesus meant to him. The pastor didn't say anything. He just cried. I thought that was beautiful, but kind of weird. Then, one day, I started thinking about how my dad loves me. It made me cry a little. It's really quite wonderful. I've heard Jesus loves better than any man. It doesn't make me cry though. Maybe I don't know it yet.

There was a girl, and when she started praying, it was evident that this was something she was familiar with. Who she was talking to. Honestly, I didn't listen to her prayer much at all. She spoke as someone speaking to someone they could tell anything to. Someone she had spent oodles of time with.

I kind of sort of want what these people have. This pastor. This girl. It's a bit hard to think that you can find someone inside a book. Isn't there more?

Glass Onion

2009-02-23T23:20:00.000-08:00

I really like music. It is pretty wonderful. I got some more of it recently. It is fantastic. I was a bit iffy about some of it, but it all works. Everything fits. Some giant, beautiful puzzle.

I have a plan. It's not good to say this yet, because I came up with it today, and I don't follow through as often as I have plans. This one might be mostly different. I'm working two jobs, and house sitting for some friends. So, virtually three jobs, and no time to spend money. Really. I'm pretty clever, so I will find a way, but I should be spending less. With these ridiculous streams of workaholic income, I'll be full of money and no where to spend it, really, with my lack of time. So, like the plan was a long time ago, I can go to school in September. Like, this was sort of always the plan. This is what I told people when they asked me what I was up to. 'In school?' 'Not yet'. Well, the when isn't so mysterious anymore.

I just need to find some batteries to keep me going.

Not Poetry

2009-02-04T14:48:00.000-08:00

On Monday night I hung out with some people. I like them and their group, but I have never really been a part of that group. It just never happened. Anyway, we were at starbucks, and they asked me what I was doing. Where I was going. You know, those questions I don't really have answers to. One of them tried to ask me if I 'dream' without making it sound cheesy, but that didn't work. They told me about how, when they involve themselves in what they know they are going to do, it fills them up. Excites them. They become alive. I have a friend, who wasn't there, but he said that to find your purpose, write a list of potentials on a piece of paper until you find one that makes you cry. Something deeply moving.
So, I am keeping my eyes open, and searching for this thing that makes me cry and gives me life and excites me. At the coffee shop, one of the girls were talking about how they have dreams, but that really they are just God's dream that he is sharing with her. That she can only do so much, so when she identifies it as her dream, she limits how far it can go to how far she can go. Somehow, see yourself as part of God's dream. He can take it farther.
If God has a dream for me to participate in, why doesn't He just give it to me? Once, a guy asked us how the relationship between us and God works. How much do we have to put in? How much does God put in? This didn't seem like a crazily important question those years ago. Now it seems more...relevant. I have to go. God, where is my dream? Your dream? Years ago? I'm getting old. What the deuce.

Progress

2009-01-25T03:08:00.000-08:00

Today they made me order things. For a long time. They said 'Werner, we believe in you. You can do this'. I told myself I could do this. Then they gave it to me. It was terribly boring. Whoever did it last left a mess. After a few hours, and then another few hours, I went and made food. It felt really good. I imagined I was one of those gourmet chefs, with all those little tools they use for everything, never still, always adding something to their work of art. I felt like art. Some song from some movie was in my head, so I was humming it. It was all so perfect.

Just like me, they like to be, close to you.

It's strange how time works. I have no understanding of it's true intricacies. Everytime I take a step forward, I wish I was where I came from. I only step where I want to go, but this happens anyway. I thought leaving sandwich artistry was a great idea, but I'm thinking it would have been better if I stayed. Food at slevin? Ridiculous and stupid. Now it is some magical art form, some mystical dance I perform for an audience unaware.

I want to go forward. Somewhere. I really do. But... What if I'm going the wrong way?

Along came a Spider

2009-01-05T00:00:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a little bit. Only a little bit. Here are some of these thinks.

Well this one is a conclusion. I now know why driving drunk and driving sleep deprived both fall under impaired driving.

Why haven't I eaten that chocolate I got for Christmas yet?

Why did I ask for slippers?

Ahem. Remember that book? It came up in those thinks. I am having trouble expressing what I want to, so I am going to pretend I am someone else, asking me questions. So, how is that book coming? Well, I don't really think it is much of one. What? Why is that? Calling it a book right now would be like calling a pile of sticks a house. You could make something out of it. You could make anything out of it. That needs planning. 'Make a book' is almost vague enough to make it work. I am just realizing how raw it all is. How do babies grow out of eggs?

Life seems simpler when it doesn't matter where you land. High is just as good as low. You've got bets on black and red. You cannot lose, so relax. It's okay. Just let go.

I have a friend who writes. He recently wrote about how who you are trumps what you do. I've have had these thoughts come through this mess before, but he comes from a place where he knows who he is, or at least met together a few times. Where whatever he does cannot take away from that. My base looked a bit more like, I don't really think I know me, and now what I do won't help me or anyone else find out who that boy is. It was frustrating. I'm not sure where I am coming from now, or how I take that now. I'm not overly concerned.

It is funny, the things that change how you see things. Have you ever played starcraft? I live to serve.

Riddle Me This.

2008-12-18T04:39:00.000-08:00

Every job I have ever had I have hated at one point or another. I haven't had a lot of jobs. I tell my friends I look terrible on paper. Let us see. I was a paper boy for a year, maybe two. I worked at Mcdonalds for six months. Then I worked at Subway for eight and a half months. Fast food and paper boy. Looking good hotshot.

Of these jobs, I have vented about most of them here. Maybe somewhere else. I really don't want to do that again. And this one seems unique. This comes from my highly experienced employment record. I now work at 7-11. Add "convenience store" or maybe "sales associate" to that list of awesome resume. How do I say this?

I hate going to work. I don't mind being there, and I don't mind leaving. The customers aren't too bad. Some of them stumble around. The other people who work there don't really affect my time there. It is really only a one person job at night. Oh, I work at night. I just hate going to work. I get stuck in how much I really don't want to go to work. I think stuff, like if a car hit me, or I slipped on the ice and broke my arm, it would not be too bad. I would not have to go to work.

I do not want to vent, just understand. Why? Why do I think it so terrible? I hypothesized that maybe it was the people. One girl is grumpy, but I realized she is always grumpy. Sucks for her. Another lady freaks out a lot, but she tries to be nice, and that's what matters. "Freaks out" is highly exaggerated. As in I mean swears-and-complains-about-many-things. The manager is nice enough. The night guy who taught me how to do everything at night is very likable. He is a talker. Every second person who comes in at night asks where he is, or if he is there. I haven't really worked with anyone else. There is one lady that I assoiciated with another lady, who I worked with at Subway, and a Philippino lady who reminds me of my old Korean boss. Why? Why this hate?

That is all.

Sometimes you can't make it on your own.

2008-12-06T12:40:00.000-08:00

I don't think I can dance. Peninsula united was last night. This stuff takes a lot of set up. Good golly. But we did it. I would like to think it was a success. There was a dance party type shindig afterwards. Heanok's brother, Sammy, was the DJ. Disk jockey. I tried. Really, I did.

Cats are very strange. I would not say I am a cat person. I would not say I am a dog person. But, if there is no one else to hang out with, I have but little choice. This would be so much easier if they could talk. Maybe people wouldn't like their pets so much.

I work at 7-11 now. I work their today. I don't think I like it a lot, but I don't really know yet. Once, I thought working there would be a great job. I was not very old. And did not work there.

If I were literate, I would write complete sentences. And full paragraphs. And maybe even make sense. Then I would tell great tales that would inspire all you knew of them. It really is to bad. If I were literate, I probably would not work at a glorified corner store.

One day.

The Times They Are a-Changin'

2008-12-05T00:31:00.000-08:00

I hope that ends well. I have a friend that I really did not know for a while. Like, some of my friends knew him. We would be in the same place sometimes, and those people who knew him would be there, and I'm with my friends too, so I could be whoever. I don't get to know people crazy well in groups. Groups offer casual observation of people you don't know, I guess. See how they react, what they do. You don't know who they are. Even if they do talk all the time. Like him. He missed his bus, so we walked into Sidney, and waited twenty minutes for the bus, just chillin' and talking. He might be convinced to get a job. I find that the best times I have with people are just me and someone else. I reflect happily on those times almost every time.

Matthew told me to write a book. Three months without a job, I asked him frequently about stuff. That's vague, and too bad. So I started transcribing what I had written in and old beat up notebook into text form. I wanted to anyways. I was scared the book would get soaked through with rain and torn apart by savage cats, and that it would all be lost. Today I wrote the last of what I had in the book on to the computer. Forever digitalized. Then I started moving the old blog posts into the same file.

Things were better back in the day. So much better. I was ridiculously sad. Nostalgic might be what they call it. I talked with a friend about this. She totally agreed, but had to get back to studying.

When I think these thoughts, some of me always thinks about how, one day, I will look back on today and wonder what happened to all those good times. How, maybe, I should be enjoying now like I enjoyed then. I read an article in a magazine somewhere about a lady who actually could not forget. She remembered, vividly, almost like reliving it, her entire life to that point. She said it was very distracting. She also said that, yeah, it actually was better back in the day, it isn't just a dumb saying. Today will be back in the day a year or two from now.

I'm thinking about doing something that I think will be really cool with this, but I don't want to say I am, and then not. And saying I will do something has not stopped me from not doing it before, so. Wait and see.

You have to fix him

2008-11-28T00:39:00.000-08:00

What if how everything works is wrong? Or at least how I think it works is wrong. That would be shocking. Stunning. Fan-flippin-tastic. Life was boring two hours ago. I applied for a normal job, got an interview, took the interview, and am waiting for a phone call, but that is hardly exciting. I think it fits under "life two hours ago". In some things, I know almost nothing, and in others I am nearly a master. Or I hope I am. I could not tell you what those things were, but they must be there. This is why I cannot prove things. How about we take all those things, and throw them out the window? Sound good? We can start fresh. I can start fresh. Do it right. What right? Life. I can be, but so can rocks. I can live, really live. Now, what if television made your life less boring? Is that weird? Is that sweet? Is that sad? I do not know.

The restart button thinks he is ten years old.

Grease Buckets

2008-11-26T22:54:00.000-08:00

They are trying to teach me to speak effectively. That means not rambling. I enjoy rambling. It is what I do. Effective speaking requires that you only say things that relate directly to your objective. All of this means I am not a very effective speaker. Good thing I am not speaking.
There is a really cool guy who goes to my church. His name is Trevor. He is getting up there in age and is really funny and has a thick accent so you really have to listen to hear what he is saying. He walked over to me and asked what I was going to tell him. And we are off. We talked about jobs, what I like to do (I need a better answer for that one), spiritual gifts, service, and prayer and plans and such. I wish I had the right words.
He said something I had never heard before. He said that if I don't have a plan, the devil does. Or something like that. It was in relation to morning devotions, about how it is vitally important to connect with God every morning, how when we don't and do the stuff we always do, someone else ...gah. You know? Ha. He drew it up in such a way that I thought of those super hero movies. How the bad guy tries to turn those who aren't the hero to the bad side. If you just spoke with captain fantastic and dr horrible tries to tell you lies about your hero, you know it's garbage.
So, devotions. Do them. And don't let me be a hypocrite.

I've got Rocket Shoes

2008-11-21T01:49:00.000-08:00

Kids are dumb. They don't know a thing about how great bedtime is for them. I should be in bed right now. I don't have a bedtime. Lame.
My mom hurt her knee about two weeks ago while delivering papers. She figured she just hurt it really badly, but it would get better over time. It did not, so she got an X-ray. She limps around and such. And keeps delivering papers. My dad, one day, decided I should be helping her while she is in this semi crippled state with this paper route, really paper routes, that I think she should quit. I feel pretty strongly that way, but she keeps doing it. I used to deliver papers too, but now I truly detest that whole occupation. I vowed to myself that I would not deliver papers anymore. But my dad was right, so I have been doing that. It takes about 2 hours a night. I sleep in more consistantly now.
I also feel really out of it. In a couple hours I will be up delivering papers. That's just weird. My mom found out today that her knee isn't cracked or broken, and she is getting some physio done on it tomorrow that should mostly recover her. I'm almost clear. I have to get up earlyish on Saturday. I was frightened of doing papers and that. But it might all be okay. Did I tell of my lack of funds?
They have finally run out. I'm thinking Tuesday will mark the end of that. Yesterday, in preparation for this, I walked through Sidney for a while and noted all the businesses clearly displaying help wanted signs. There are about 20 of them. This has to work.
But the coolest thing about everything is it won't matter later. Not nearly as much as I think it does now. A year from now I won't remember how it felt to be here. I won't even care. There will be new things to make me worry. Or try to make me worry. I like how time does that. I think God must see things like that a bit, being inside and outside of all time and all.

What am I even doing

Oops

2008-11-17T20:45:00.000-08:00

So, that plan might not work. The next day, I searched on the intrawebs for stuff that might help. You know, schools that have those kind of classes. I'm not a friend of the internet. That was discouraging. I had another walk and thought about being homeless. Foil that internet! Oh dear...
I'm so distracted...
I went to Sleggs today and dropped off the paper that might get me a job. If it doesn't...I'm at the end of my plan again. Well, not really. The overall plan is still intact, just not started yet. Details are needed. Like where I get money from. It doesn't really matter I guess. Salty's? Bahaha. Ohh...
But, I might go somewhere grand with some friends one day. And by one day, I mean soonish sort of. I don't know yet. I'm hesitant to say anymore, in case it is just like my bogus plans that fall through all the time.
I can't think right now. I might have fried my brain.

Potatoes

2008-11-11T19:42:00.000-08:00

Write something...Muahaha. Umm...that's a good start, write?
I want to write something to a friend of mine, But I don't really know how to write it. I walked around for a while. It was raining a bit, but once you are in it, you don't even notice. I quite enjoy walking. It helps my brain. And maybe my body.
Dang.
We have a leadership cadre at youth now. Right before youth, really. Until the other cadres pick up. Lane and Andrew are trying to teach us how to make good, coherent sermons, or five minute messages, or something like that. Apparently rambling is really terrible for your point, as well as throwing every story and joke you know into the message. Nuts. In the future, maybe I will write more focused writings and all who see will be utterly blown away by my genius. Or...we won't go there.
I was watching a show, and there is a guy in the show that we are going to call Crimm. Two m's. Sweet. Anyway, he would help the other people he met, telling them to hold up their heads, back straight, don't look down, and things like that. Give them a new life approach. I don't think I needed all the don't look down stuff, but I'd take a new life approach. Like grabbing life by the horns. I think thats from a car commercial though.
So, I will tell the next grand plan I have for the future. It may or may not happen. I fully intend it to happen, or else I wouldn't write it down, but from past experience, intentions don't always cut it. My dad took me to measure a house, probably because he saw I was bored out of my mind. Maybe just out of my mind. Afterwards, he talked about planes again, how they will never go out of business. Once I make these teleporters, everything will change, but until then, there will be planes. He told me how I really should be doing that. He has really been spearheading the whole thing with planes. I think he really wants me to. I intend to go to school in september, for...umm...and at...uhhh.... Well, Maybe I'm going into aviation? I was supposed to look up places for that before I started this. But, that's the plan. For now.
And now I should be sending a message to that friend of mine. Unless this was all terrible. Oh well.

I should be a model

2008-11-02T01:11:00.000-07:00

I am a specimen of health. In it's purest form. I always eat good things for me. Shall we review how healthy I am? I think so. Let's start on Halloween morning. I woke at about ten, and ate some rice krispies. Mmm. I love the snapping and those other sounds. After that...I told a friend of mine I would bake a pie with him, but I wasn't in the right mind for making pie, so I got him and we went shopping for pies. Halloween is a busy day in parking lots. oh man. The cashier reminded us that it was lunch time by saying something about how pie wasn't a healthy lunch. Little did she know, I never intended to have pie for lunch. Until she said that. Pie and coke really isn't a healthy lunch. And then for dinner I got a sandwich from a corner store. It had lots of meat on it. It was very good. Easily really healthy for you. I went to the church and acted important for a while and danced and ate licorice. I like licorice. Very much. I don't know if I'm spelling that right. ANYWAYS, I came home to Reid's house. They were all gone. I was supposed to have given candy out to trick or treaters, but I wasn't here to give out candy, so none was missing when I came back. Chocolate. A good bowl of chocolate. How could I let such a thing just sit there, alone, neglected, on such a night as Halloween? I could never be so cruel. I let this bowl of chocolate come watch some movies with me. It seemed to like the movies very much. Thank you for smoking, and the Matrix trilogy. I had never seen the third one, and figured they would go well in order. I was right. By then my friend the sun had come back out to play, and I'm not on to disappoint. After some raisin bran, I met the day like an elephant hitting a tree. I grabbed some 'good for you' juice from sleven, and then caught a bus. When I left this bus, I was led to a church where they told me I would play with some kids. That sounded exciting, but I was beginning to miss a dear friend of mine. Her name is sleep. She stays with me at night, most of the time. There wasn't much room for her that Halloween night though. Chocolate and Neo are quite demanding, and really, I hadn't spent much time with them at all. I wanted to. Back to the rubberfloored room of church, they served us spaghetti. Some kicked spaghetti into someone else. I thought that was funny, but I didn't see it happen. This is a very good thing. After the kids finished eating spaghetti and playing games and singing songs and doing other kid stuff, they left, and we put the rubberfloored room back together. Made it look nice. We do that. I went outside and crushed some leaves and listened to some people talk about how much they hate gray squirrels. I'm indifferent. They don't bug me, I don't hate them. A simple, beautiful relationship. When these topics were exhausted, and leaves crushed, I met the bus again, and it took me back to the land of Sidney. I tried to get a sandwich, but they wanted much more than a poor unemployed, uneducated boy could afford. *sigh* I walk back to Reid's house and spoke with the cats. I would like to tell you that they understood, but that would be a lie. They baffled me. Someone came looking for Reid. He's not here. He won't be here again for quite a while. I zoned out pretty severely on the couch. I had a plan. When the couch could no longer console me, I would shoot the cats, and then go ask the man who made sandwiches to make one for me really cheap. Then I would check the town to see what I could see. This plan failed utterly. My memory gets hazy here. I shot the cat, and then...I was outside on the street and in my head nothing was making sense. I was in some group of evil thing, and everything was frightening and seemed like it was ready to devour each other and itself, and I couldn't figure it out. I wasn't scared, but I couldn't understand what I was thinking, or feeling? Was it a feeling? My clock said it was 7:07. That means I missed the sandwich. I was worried that meant I might have missed more too, but I got there and the world started to make sense again. I drank some terrible tasting liquid, bought a box of candy, and then ate most of it. Candy is good for me. It really is.

See? Perfect health. They should model my life for every person who wants to be healthy. Clearly, there is no better way. I really miss my friend, Sleep, right now.

killer whales.

2008-10-06T22:33:00.000-07:00

I went to Nanoose Bay this weekend and it was really cool. I don't actually know why I go to Nanoose Bay ever. I don't know anyone. Everyone else who goes has friends that they are coming to see. I don't. Why do I go? No idea. It was there that I first encountered Marcel. For those of you who don't know, Marcel is my favourite speaker of all time, and he probably doesn't even know I exist. But that's my fault. This time the speaker was named Chris King. I like him a bunch too.

Chris said a lot of things, and didn't care if people were offended. One thing he said that I'm dwelling on little was how youth leaders and the like who are leading youth groups should be teaching the youth to be the church, to get out there and love and such. I thought about that for a moment, along with why I go to church. Why I go to youth. I don't know why. Recently, less of my friends come to youth. I guess they are out growing it or turning heathen or something. That's okay though. When I see them I tell them they should come and they say they will but they don't. Why should they come?

I don't mind if they don't come. I think, as a leader, or better put, as leaders, we can just pour into the youth who do come. I don't know how to make it sound epic, but this subtle shift has changed my perspective a bit. Maybe more. We shall see.

Hanging out and Reading books don't Combine well

2008-09-18T22:00:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is about potatoes, but they make my mouth feel like it is going to explode. Then I think about how they use potatoes to power lightbulbs in grade school science experiments. That's encouraging. Supper was almost ready before I left, but I had to leave. I still arrived ten minutes late. Before I left,'Hey, wanna save some supper for me?', and they said ,'Yeah all over it' or something like that. Yeah, now a have a mountain of these mouth exploding, lightbulb powering potatoes to shovel into my stomache. I'm not even hungry. Yuck. I'm sure there were carrots being made before I left. I hoped beyond hope that there would be carrots buried in the mound of earth apple, but I have no such luck. This, my friends, is an exciting day. Mishaps with potatoes.

I still don't have a job. I paint the gate outside. That's what I'm doing with my life. Painting a gate. Why? Because it needs painting. I'll paint it again in a couple years. And I will spend the rest of my life living in my parents house eating copious amounts of potatoes and painting gates white and houses blue and receiving free fast food sandwiches by various methods, so my tiny money cushion never deteriorates and I never go anywhere. That's a decent sized sentence. Is it grammatically legit? I can't tell anymore.

I looked into some school kind of. Like, I'm pretty sure 'kind of' is the most you can look into through websites. I don't know what I want to do with myself, so I think I will go to school so I feel like I'm still doing something. What should I take? Programs? Where are their programs? Oh, there they are. But, this is just a brief overveiw of nothing I'm looking for. Courses then? Okay, here we go. But I've heard you have to be smart to get into some of these or something like that. Where do I find that? Requirements? Nope. Oh, here is a recommendation. Cool, I might make it in, with solid recommendations like that. But, cost? Cost is nowhere. I hear it is supposed to be about a million dollars. And will have to keep assuming this, but you aren't telling me the price. Jon says that's because they don't want to scare you off. I don't know about everyone else, but I'm not jumping in to be told later that I owe a million dollars. Gahhhh!!!

Sometimes it gets boring at home when you don't have a job. Or school. Or friends in the same situation. That's why I don't mind painting the gate. Or picking apples. Something to do is far superior than doing nothing. I decided that sleeping and watching movies by yourself also count as nothing. I brought this up because computers are boring. Maybe that logic doesn't follow, but I got there somehow. I found some almost cool things my compy has that I totally don't really care about. Like an 'on-screen keyboard'. Type everything you want to type with one finger. Yeah, it's slow. And this magnifier thing. It's kind of cool, if I was half blind. It has an 'invert colours' option. Why? I like inverted colours as much as the next guy, but this seems rather silly.

Hahaha. I'm sorry if you read that. A little bit of wasted time. Brought to you from me, through the internet. Intraweb? If you want to know how I'm doing, I'm almost finished painting the gate, and I don't know what is next. Just pretend you don't know what is next, and nobody is there to tell you. I guess I shouldn't need someone to tell me. I'm sort of new to this 'life' thing. That's pretty much where I am.

Bits

2008-08-30T16:47:00.000-07:00

To sum up everything from then to now, it went better than planned. Africa was hot and dry, and what you would expect Africa to be. Well, I suppose I can't label it all. Zambia. There you go. Now, I don't think I will go on anymore short term missions trips. It's hard to understand when it all comes and goes in less than a month. Even so, if I could go back and not do it, I would still go.

Then I went to Pender Island, my longer, less advertised mission. Each week, a different set of kids came, and I got to play with them outside in the sun and the rain. We went canoing and disc golfing and swimming and hike and a deluge of other things. Action Packed relaxation. And I'm pretty sure I am friends with everyone who was staff at the camp. Between 20 and thirty kids. They aren't kids, but I couldn't tell you their ages. People are people, no matter how small. Or what age, I guess.

So now, after about 5 weeks of living with more friends than I have here at home, it's a little dull. A more efficient person would have a job by now and know what was next. I've been back a week. I didn't plan anything past Friday. Oops. But, I'm busy with small things like sending off those who go to school, and picking apples. Mostly picking apples.

Here we go

2008-06-15T00:03:00.000-07:00

I'm going to go hang out with five guys in about twelve hours for three weeks. It's nuts. I'm going to go build a house in Zambia with them. I don't know any of them well, but I should know them better afterwards. It's going to be so sweet. I'm excited for all the people I can meet and the new experiences and just everything. I appreciate relationships ridiculously more than I did. I have a friend who I almost hated for a while. Maybe I actually did, but Now I miss him and we have such a crazy connection that only we have. It's beautiful. Every person I know I know differently from other people I know. Does that make sense? I don't want to be vague right now. I want this to make perfect sense. I know Jon differently than I know Josh, and I know him differently than I know Kyle. And it goes on and on. Once again, it's beautiful. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Remember that lame paragraph I wrote a bit ago about a lion? Well, I totally want to make that say what I meant to make it say. I want it to say how I equated the lion with God, as he was intended to be seen by his author. How Aslan came and the problems didn't go away. But, that was okay. Everything was okay. It helped me understand how ridiculously awesome God is. Since historymaker I asked God to reveal himself to me, because at one of the hubs the speaker talked about how when Peter responded to Jesus saying 'You are the Christ', or whatever he said, and Jesus said Peter was blessed, because that wasn't revealed by man but by God. So I thought,'If it worked for Peter, it could work for me'. Maybe I'm making up connections, but I think God was showing me a little bit of what He is like.

I got in the car the other day with my Mom. She drives me places because I don't have my license. I would be embarrassed, but gas prices are so high, I don't know if I want to drive. That's a lie. I totally do, but feel bad over wasting all that money to learn. It's only going to get worse though. That's totally a tangent. I brought my Bible and something. I fully brought my bible with the intention of reading it, but then I felt sort of awkward reading it there with my mom. Then I felt silly because I felt like that and she's my mom. I almost don't want to read it in front of people because I don't want to look like I'm showing off how super spiritual I am. I'm totally not. I know you aren't supposed to be ashamed of the gospel. Do you know what I'm trying to say? It's hard sometimes.

There you go. I'll talk to you in three or four weeks.

The End of a Sandwich Artist

2008-06-10T23:58:00.000-07:00

I thought of the title a while ago. What feels like a long while ago. I told someone it would be the title of my next post, and then went and did one that wasn't with that title. But now, I can use it. I am no longer a sandwich artist. Unfortunately, I might have gotten myself hooked on Subway. Before, I didn't really understand how it worked, so I wasn't crazy about it. Now I pretty much know everything. And, as far as I can tell, everyone loves me there. I'm going to miss them. Subway stories seem to mean a lot more to people who work at subway. It's a sweet thing to have in common.

But, now that it is over, 4 days from now I get on a plane for 9 hours, then I sit in an airport for some more hours, and then I get on a different plane for 10 hours. I don't even know how long the car ride after that will be. And all of that with 5 people I know of but don't really know. Ya know? They are like acquaintances, but I think I know them better than that, but we don't really hang out... I guess I'll make some more friends.

This morning I updated my white board. It has a calender on it that goes up to the beginning of September. That's about as far as I think I know what I'm doing until. Does that sentence work? Anyway, it is kind of funny how empty my calendar looks, but how unavailable I'll be. Two little notes cover 7 weeks. Hahaha. Maybe that isn't so funny.

I've got a plan. I don't know how to implement it now though. I don't think I can. I have a friend I love dearly, but we don't really... I don't know how to put it. It seems very surface, even though I know it isn't. I want to be a better friend to him, but I'm not a very serious person in general, and so I'm generally not taken seriously. What's my point? I'm bad at that stuff. But I've got a plan, as I said. Unfortunately, plans to become better friends with someone don't work well when you are going away for a bit. It will have to wait. I think that's okay.

I hope to be a different person when the summer is over.

Preclude

2008-06-01T00:16:00.000-07:00

I watched a movie tonight about a lion. I liked it, in the way that I like those sort pf movies. They get me every time. Like superhero movies. You just feel that much more super afterwards. Anyways, the whole movie I was waiting for the lion to appear, because I knew that once the lion appeared, everything would be okay. It would all stop, because there is a lion, and then who cares what you were doing? The moment never came. But, that was okay. It came close.

John wrote a book, several actually, and they turned into book studies that churches do. My mom went to one, and John spoke to them through a video series thing, and she got that video series. She does stuff like that. Anyway, when I'm in my house, most of the time I'm sitting around, not doing anything. The other day my mom was cleaning up the living room. The living room has pretty much everything you could want to do in this house, and anything not available in the living room is in the bedroom. She was listening to John, and I overheard him. He was talking about heaven, and how it is real and how it is real now. It was alluring. He made me want a piece.

I don't like excuses. I think I've gotten the difference between them and reasons figured out. Excuses are when you don't want to be blunt in telling someone you don't want to.

I have a friend who does more of everything I do, and is fine with that, while I think I should be doing something else. I wish I were more like him, sort of. His mom talked about a guy who was always sharing that life was such a struggle, and that he was barely scraping by, and how totally unappealing that is. Life shouldn't be a struggle. He does what he wants and is fine, and I do what I want and feel like a waste of time. There's nothing wrong, it really is just a waste.

There should be a good thought here at the end, but words fail me. Subway greatly reduces grammatical accuracy.

My anchor's ashore

2008-05-14T22:06:00.000-07:00

I wish I could sell responsibilities. I wish other people would buy them. Or even just take them. For free. Maybe this is what stress is?

I finished Chuck's book. He met with people everyday to pray and meet God. They did something like that way back in the day. Some say we can't do that these days because we are too busy. Garbage. Right now, that is just adding more responsibilities and stuff though. It matters more than the rest I suppose. But...How many excuses would you like?

It's totally my birthday tomorrow. Last year I tried not telling anybody. It resulted in no one caring. So this year, I figured I'd do whatever. I'm giving a friend of mine a present tomorrow. I might pay for another ones lunch. That's how hobbits do it, I hear. The aged one gives presents to all his friends on his birthday.

I guess it is my birthday now. I can grace you with my writing prowess. Hmm.

I like to try to make things work. Not like watches. More like events. Nah, more like scheduling. The most efficient has you doing lots of junk. I built today a few hours ago.

I can't continue.

Memory Lapse

2008-05-11T13:06:00.000-07:00

Man, I'm pooped.

Thursday I was at Subway for 12 hours, 11 til 11, which is completely ridiculous, and then for 7 hours the next morning. And two days before that, on tuesday, I went to the dentist, who made my mouth hurt a bunch. The secretary told me to take it easy, but I couldn't really. I had to work that night. I think those combined probably did me in. Peninsula United friday night, help set up for that. Try to act like a leader of some sort. It's hard to meet people who are already in their circle. You have to be confident. I was tired. Car wash Saturday morning. That was surprisingly more physically taxing than anticipated. Is that redundant? The next days are pretty full too. Fuller than I like them. In four days though, I'll be fine. Almost there. It's a good kind of tired. Like when you are climbing a mountain.

Chuck has a beautiful story. It's inspiring. I'm not done yet though. I hope that Mark's word relate somehow. He's been good at that recently. I already told you that. I'm almost done. Almost there.

What?

Cookie jar

2008-05-06T23:29:00.000-07:00

I'm going to praise my book writing friend Mark, again. Maybe it's just because I am where I am and I'm reading that into what he is saying, but even if I am, it doesn't seem like far of a jump. He spoke of how we are perpetually busy and that drives us. In circles. He mentioned briefly something about time that my friend John Charles Kerr talked about more in depth somewhere, about kairos and chronos. I would try to describe them to you, but I'll steal it from somewhere else.

Kairos (καιρός) is an ancient Greek word meaning the "right or opportune moment". The ancient Greeks had two words for time, chronos and kairos. While the former refers to chronological or sequential time, the latter signifies "a time in between", a moment of undetermined period of time in which "something" special happens. What the special something is depends on who is using the word. While chronos is quantitative, kairos has a qualitative nature.

I got that from here http://www.reference.com/search?r=13&q=Kairos

Back to Mark, he talked of 'a holy must' that everyone has, or is given. That was definitely his focus, but we went into it more, and the more we went in, the less it made sense. That might be because one of us confused 'must' for 'musk', and that kept messing me up. It might have also had to do with me correcting information that wasn't fact even though it was presented as such. It was irrelevant either way. Focus was cast to the ground and trampled by wombats.

It fit, since this week I'm in now feels ridiculously busy. There is work and youth stuff and dentist appointments and small errands, like changing banks and fixing flat tires. And I found another friend named Chuck. He was pretty up there politically, and wrote a book. I don't know a thing about politics, but he said he didn't know much about writing, so it's okay.

In the end, it is harder to be responsible.

it's farther than I can see

2008-05-05T18:09:00.000-07:00

This morning I was ready for work, and asked mom to give me a ride. She said okay. She wanted to beat a couple more bad guys first though. My mom totally plays video games. More on that later. We went out to the car, but as we went she started saying something about hoping she hadn't locked the keys in the car. Well, she totally did. We tried to break in with coat hangers, but she had the better side and we both don't break into cars often. She called the guys who do, and they were going to take forty five minutes. Cool. Definitely not going in a car. So I got my bike and went. I tried to go pretty fast too, because I was actually already late. I had called them to let them know though. I cut through that shortcut by Tommy's old house, and there were a bunch of cars in the way, so I went between a couple. I'm pretty pro like that. But the ground wasn't even. It went something like cement driveway, dirt, cement curb. The dirt was definitely lower, and I wasn't going slowly. It made a good thump. Whenever that happens, I get scared that I might be destroying my bike, but nothing happened right away. Then it made a strange sound. Then it thumped progressively more. Sweet. Flat back tire. I was close by then so I walked it. Then the other person who was supposed to come to work today didn't come because they were sick. I had some good plans for today, but these events unraveled them pretty well.

I was going to write something about video games, and how they make odd relationships, but maybe later.

The best I can be is Jamaican

2008-05-04T01:04:00.000-07:00

So, I'm a tiny bit scared that I'm turning into Calvin. Calvin owns the subway I work at. He is quite a bit weird, but I think he is funny. I was blowing my nose the other day, because I was getting over my head cold that is pretty much gone now, and he said 'You had a good nose, but then you blew it'. And he blames me for almost everything. Carolyn thinks that is why he likes me working days. I think she was joking about that though. He came in one night with a vacuum to vacuum things that needed to be vacuumed, and asked me what I did with the power outlet. Yeah, I had to move it because I was changing the place around? I can totally move power outlets. And he thinks horrible things are funny. Well, this one isn't too bad, but we have this spray bottle thing that we spray the bread with. It makes the bread grow right or something. I'm not going to finish this. Think of horribly funny things someone could do with a spray bottle. Of water.

If I were organized, I might right something like that. Organized. It's hard to get out of the box when everything connects though.
I'm split.

Can I move when I am Paralyzed

2008-05-01T00:25:00.000-07:00

It is so warm here. And it sounds like the heater is on. Let me fix that.
It was on 20. I don't know what that means fully, but I know it is warmer than it needs to be. Maybe I have a fever? No, you get cold with fevers. Right?

I'm a little under the weather. The beautiful weather. Yesterday my throat hurt, today my head feels like it is sick. I hope I don't get everyone else sick too. It is too nice to be stuck home sick. And my Mom just got back from the hospital recently.

Sunday morning her stomach was hurting, but we convinced her to come to church. She did, and I left to go play football in the rain or something silly. When I got home, I found out she was in hospital, and they were keeping her overnight. Just for observation. They kept her another day before the let her come home. She says that they think it was some sort of muscle thing. Apparently your body starts to destroy itself as you get older.

How are you supposed to react to that though. 'Oh, by the way,your mom is in the hospital.' ..what do you do? You know what else I don't understand? Goodbyes. I watched a friend of mine get on a plane and go home, and he's gone. It's weird. Another friend of mine leaves in a couple days. I don't think I have a point. I just don't understand.

I made a friend of mine a sandwich. I gave it to him for free. When I got home, he spent some longer-than-necessary amount of time thanking me. He started telling me how fabulous I am and how I am a good person who God is using. I don't think a sandwich equals that. Maybe to someone else, who needed the food. Not to him. I guess it was nice to do, but I couldn't tell you why I did it. I can't tell you why I'm doing anything right now.

I could tell you what I'm doing though. It's on a calender on my wall.

Night Diving

2008-04-22T23:47:00.000-07:00

I have a friend named Mark. He wrote a book, and I don't actually know him. We are reading his book at our cadre. I try to fool people into thinking I'm extremely intelligent through my false friendships with these authors. Like Don. And Martin.

In his book, Mark wrote about pride, and why it was worse than some physical temptations. In the end, he said it was a heart thing. He spoke of holiness and how you can do the good things without being holy, but that isn't what makes you holy. It comes from the inside. Or outside. Actually, he said that having truth in your inner parts was holiness. You know what? That's not my point at all. I'm not going to make it though. I'm skipping to the end.

I've been somewhat focused on what I should do, but no amount of doing gets me where I want to be. I have to change myself. I said that recently, didn't I?

I get stuck when the road ends.

I have no need for Stairs

2008-04-20T02:28:00.000-07:00

You are all terrific.

You help me to understand that I don't understand.

Every night I wish I could start the day over and do it right.

Every morning I forget the night and do whatever comes, regardless.

It's night again, and I want to do things right, but why?

I had a thought once that we read the Bible to know God, not to read the Bible, like we are supposed to.

Shouldn't that make this matter more?

I have a friend that I would read anything they wrote.

However long.

What will I think in the morning?

I don't know the first thing about love

2008-04-17T00:05:00.000-07:00

I walked home tonight. It was beautiful. I took my time. The moon was hiding, but that was alright. It was already behind me. I decided electricity shouldn't be used so much. That's wrong. A street light went out as I approached it, and I wished the rest would go out too. A good old power outage. That would be okay. But I knew it wouldn't happen. It was too nice out. I tried to imagine what it was like before we had these day long suns in our houses. Before we could be entertained by a screen with pictures. I figure we went to sleep earlier. And had more fires. And had more active pastimes. But, we can't go back in time. And besides, I would regret it if I did. Refrigerators and medicines and all this ridiculousness everywhere that makes us so comfy.

I have a friend who told me about a guy who said that cutting something out completely was the easy way out. That instead, you just control your use and intake of the disputable activity or whatever. I totally disagreed in the case presented, but a second time round makes it seem more plausible. Like, sure, maybe we would be better off without tv and radio and video games and internet, but all of these things can be used in a good way, and refusing those cuts support from the good of it. I'm unsure.

I visited Parkland today, and talked with a girl who likes a guy. She said she liked him because of his shoes. I said that wasn't true. She wouldn't have paid any attention to his shoes if she didn't already like him. She agreed. But she continued to ask friends if it was shallow to like someone because of their shoes. I was indirectly thinking about that. I think she stuck to that because she needed a reason for why she liked him. Not for herself, but...gah.

I tried thinking of reasons for why I do what I do. I didn't get a lot of answers from myself. Now I know how everyone else feels. Maybe that's okay though? I don't know the best way to proceed in this game of life. It's my first time through. Let's play again sometime.

Amies

2008-03-30T22:36:00.000-07:00

I get thoughts that I totally want to write almost all the time. Unfortunately, there is no way to write them when I receive them. I then proceed to compose what it might look like in my mind. However, during that process I start to think 'what the deuce? Man, follow the thought, see where it goes, don't stop here. You can think about it later and write it down later.' So I do, and it goes more places that I want to write down, but I have to keep going. It doesn't reach the end by the time I stop, and when I can write them down, all I remember is that I had something really good. It's a terrible feeling. But not as bad as accidentally microwaving your dog to death.

Now I'm scared that they will all look like silly not-epic-at-all ideas. They felt more.

I made a theory recently. Everybody lives in a balloon. That's my theory. Ask me about it later. You'll except it to be good, and then be horribly let down.

I decided God died to save us from a punishment we chose for ourselves because he loves us. He didn't do it so he could make us do his will. He's better at that than we are. And he didn't do it so we could become mindless puppets that don't make any decisions because we want to do his will.
He did it because he wants to be with us.

I was at a small church on a small island, and a lady who had been in Russia apparently was talking about tables. How Jesus was at a lot of tables. Like, seriously. The other day, I saw an old couple with another old woman, and they were talking pretty loudly, because I was definitely across the street when I heard them, but the man of the couple was saying to the lady,'you should come to our place tonight for dinner. We're having roast beef'. The roast beef part might not be true. But I liked that immensely. Going to fast food places all the time ruins that. Inviting someone into your house, where you have a meal for them? We are totally missing out guys.

It's pretty much an excuse. A great one. My friends never know what to do, and neither do I. I'm increasingly a fan of not doing anything, but just sitting and talking. Anywhere, about anything. It's okay. Eating a meal with someone is all of that. This is what the Russia lady from the small church on the small island was talking about. Jesus just wants to sit around with us at a table and eat with us. She mentioned a song called 'God and man at table are sat down'. She said almost no one had heard of that song, and they were too raspy to sing it, which is a shame. It's a good song. But maybe it's better they didn't. It's easy to ignore the words when you sing a song.

Carrotcake

2008-03-22T01:19:00.000-07:00

I might be a gardener. I used to be. More, a weeder really. Those white ones that explode if you touch them. But now, someone bought me carrot seeds, as a joke. Trust me, it was funny. I sort of want to make them. They take 8 days to germinate and 70 days to mature. I leave for three weeks in 84 days. And know nothing about growing carrots. Learn by experience?

Someone told me to make sure this meant something.

I was thinking about how terrible it would be to be crucified. I don't think I fully understand, or I wouldn't be who I am now.

I don't feel like writing this.

I talked to the moon tonight. It didn't say anything, because it was really far away and didn't hear me. I heard people say that God is like that, or that they saw God like that. He's far away, can't hear me, probably doesn't even care. They said that Jesus changed all of that. Suddenly He is close and here and we can connect to God. That's sweet and all, but I don't feel very connected. I talked to the moon because it was the biggest, brightest, most beautiful thing I could see. I thought maybe that would make it easier to talk to God. But it's still really far away and doesn't hear me.

How does that work?

If God sent His son to save us, doing nothing wrong by the highest of standards, by dying the most lonely death, to be mocked and fully rejected by the people he loved, and giving everything there was to give, why is it He seems so far away?

It doesn't make sense. But even if I had the magic answer, it wouldn't change anything. I don't want the answers, or the questions.

I don't want to sound like a puppet.

Boxing is like Dancing

2008-03-13T23:54:00.000-07:00

I want to write something to you. Desperately. But I don't know what to say. How can words change lives? How can my words change your life?

Recently, I left God alone, and in exchange, He wouldn't bug me. It was a pretty good deal. I could do what I wanted, and forget about what I should or shouldn't be doing. I didn't do anything bad, I just didn't really care for doing anything good really. I think I would still do good things apart from God. I can give to charity and hold doors open and talk to homeless people.

I realized how ridiculously selfish I am.

I decided around Monday that I would come back to God around Friday. Maybe that's giving me more control than I should have. Maybe it shouldn't have been put off. What's done is done. I could give you a bazillion reasons why I shouldn't really carry on. It's too hard, and really, I didn't sign up for this.

You can't define something by what it isn't. Maybe you can. But you shouldn't.

Why? If this can be answered, I'm set.

I asked a friend if he would come with me. I asked him sort of badly, so he might not have known what I meant. It had to be done though. I can't do it alone. For myself? Why would I go through so much work to get myself there? Really, I'm fine where I am. I can talk myself down. Maybe I think I don't deserve it? But when it's for someone else, it becomes more important. Well, I didn't really want to go, but I couldn't let him go alone. That sort of thing.

Blessed is he who overcomes.

Those aren't leaves.

2008-03-08T22:33:00.000-08:00

They are going to break me without even trying.

We watched Across the universe last night. It was long and kind of plotless. I liked it. It made me think of how the things that matter hurt when they are taken away. I told my friend this, and he pretty much said 'duh Werner. Why did it take you a movie to see that?' It made me think about what would hurt me if it was taken away. I thought about it, and didn't come up with anything substantial. That made me sad, but only intellectually. I didn't really care.

We saw Parkland's musical play production of Grease tonight. It was terrific. It was a musical put on by a high school. I loved it. Right now, my face feel like it is covered in the makeup I would have worn, were I in it. I can smell it too. I went back after to say hey to everyone, and we got them to sign a poster, but I didn't know most of them anymore, and those I did know were too busy to talk. It kind of made sad. Not 'I should be sad so I'll say I am'. I used to be part of that family. As sad as it was too leave, it had to be done, only made better by the thought that I could come visit them again. Here I am, visiting them, but I'm not part of the family anymore, so, like, whatever. It's not the your-soul-is-being-ripped-out I was expecting. This mattered to me, at least a little bit.

You should read my thoughts. I thought out an excellent next paragraph, but wasn't typing. You would've laughed at the end. Truly spectacular. And you missed it. All because you can't read minds.

Snowflakes

2008-03-06T00:19:00.000-08:00

I thought that I enjoyed being too cold more than being too hot. I figured I could remedy the chill better than I could chill the heat. But, I was walking home tonight, and I was cold. I'm dumb, and didn't wear enough. Do I really enjoy this? No, no I don't. Then I thought about why.

I'm sure most kids have their parents tell them to put on a jacket when they go outside and it isn't summer or night time. Why, child asks. So you don't catch a cold, parent replies. That scares me a bit. I don't like being sick. I don't want to let it stop me from doing anything, but I don't want to spread it around. And feeling bad, snot everywhere. Gross. If I'm cold outside, I could catch a cold! My lack of warmth could make me miserable in the near future.

That, and it's not very comfortable.

I would rather be gross and sweaty and smelling terrible in some shade on some scorchingly hot day, than risk my health being cold. But not in the sun. That's what gets me about being too hot. Sunburns. The sun destroys my skin. I'm fairly white and not at all tanned because of it. I don't tan. Just burn. And that's worse than the possibility of being sick. Definitely being in pain. The shoulders and back of neck. Up there for the worst things about summer. Mosquitoes are up there too. And I haven't even been to Ontario.

And sunscreen? Eww.

First is sunburns,
then colds,
then being sticky and sweaty and smelly.

It's too late

2008-03-04T00:58:00.000-08:00

Small things seem so much bigger when they are all you know. I'm not a huge fan of decisions. Once I have made one, I'd rather I wasn't told that it wasn't actually an option.
If I'm going to write here, I should cut the vague crap. This was a bad idea.

Sometimes I think I'm on the right page, but nobody else is there. I could try to bring them there, but I'm not a great communicator. And, the right page is kind of scary, if I am right, and some wouldn't like it. How should I convince people to go to somewhere frightening when I can't lead them to entertaining things? And talk really isn't enough. Thoughts aren't enough. But they are all I have right now.

I wondered what people think a lot today. I worked and saw people come in, and saw what they did, how they acted, and could guess what they thought. Probably wrongly, but I think it's a step. Maybe. If someone could read my mind, I'd let them. They would end up hating me, or me hating them, but I think that would be okay. Would that really change anything? Yes. For the better, I would hope.

We read a chapter that said that following Jesus should be an adventure, but the church is more comparable to a 'how-to' video. Someone said that wasn't us. Surely it couldn't be our church. He is clearly writing to someone else. I think he was wrong though. My life doesn't look much like an adventure, and that's mostly my fault. I'm kind of lazy. My old Japanese teacher agrees.

Should 'why' come before going? What if we never get to the why, but we must go? What if that is somehow part of faith? But is doing what you are supposed to because that is what you are supposed to do right? I've had this question for a long time. If I weren't so lazy, I would dig around and tell you how long for.

I'm glad I don't write books. I don't have to make sense.

Nonsensical

2008-02-29T01:17:00.000-08:00

So, I was in the kitchen, grabbing a paper towel, and it was dark, but I knew where they they were. I grabbed one, but as I tried to rip it away from the roll, I half broke it off the wall. I tried to put it back, but it was too late. Do you enjoy stories?

I don't think they need to have a point. You get made fun of if you don't have one with stories you tell though. When I was young, My parents teased me, all in good fun. It made me so mad. They would stay that if I didn't learn to laugh at myself, I would pretty much be hosed for life. That either saved my life, or defined it. I'm not sure. All I know is lots of people enjoy teasing me now, and I don't mind. Did I bring it upon myself, or was it unavoidable? Does it even matter?

I think the thought of a male hairdresser is funny. I told some friends this, and they thought it was terrible. Maybe it is.

I've spent much of my free time saving worlds, as I've told you. It's looked down upon when you refer to ideas from these worlds that apply to conversations. I find this unfortunate. They can be quite educational, even if they aren't teaching you math. I learned what it could be like to be outside the church looking in, and why so many laugh at those inside. Different perspectives are portrayed. It's enriching. What's good? Evil? Right?

If my life were a game, it would be really boring.

I watched a video on Wednesday. A guy in it said we were trying to keep our kingdoms of selfishness intact. I like to think I have a kingdom. I rule over my kingdom and choose where it goes.

We talked about harmony briefly. How we are to live in harmony with each other. I figured music has harmony in it, or could, and probably should. We could live music then, perhaps. I just remembered that I heard this somewhere else before though.

Theory theory theory. I can make theories all day. But I don't do much.

Ultimate Sandwich

2008-02-26T00:09:00.000-08:00

I need a new title. I don't feel like ignoring people anymore. And it doesn't accurately reflect what I feel I am now writing. I don't want to fully give that up though. I like not writing to an audience. I like writing to me. Thinking in text. If I start making this for anyone else, it will suck.

I think to myself a lot. Pretty much all the time. Most of the time, it isn't important at all. Then, I'll wonder how I got to where I got to in my head and have to back track and see how ridiculous it all was. Of course, there are clear connections to everything. Except when you think of nothing. That's weird. And happens a lot to me. Sometimes, I try to pass off my thinking to myself as talking to God. I didn't really know I was doing it. I would just say what I was thinking out loud, and expect it to be acceptable. They aren't. Or don't feel that way. I am basing too much off feelings?

I don't like trailing off with dots. I use it in all the wrong places. It definitely loses it effect. Lame.

Oh yeah. I know what I was going to say.

Some people that I am friends with, I am free, or at least feel free, to say my thoughts. Maybe without some of the needed filtering. I think that's good, even if it ends with me being laughed at a lot. I heard somewhere that maybe we are becoming too open. Maybe. Anyway, I wonder why I can say whatever to my friends, and not to God. Is it that obvious?

Duh Werner, God is kind of above 'your mom' jokes. He probably wouldn't even find them funny.

Hey! I don't make that many 'your mom' jokes. And, God saved me because he loves me right? And if he loves me, he should want that part of me too.

But God pretty much deserves all the respect you can give Him, not just the random thoughts that fly through your mind. He deserves something well thought out. Something that you mean, truly.

I agree, but that seems less 'me'. Yet, it could be more 'me' too.

Oh man. Even though that was clearly just me talking to myself, I feel like I've found something incredible and precious. And when I read this later, I will probably think it is lousy. But right now, it's perfect.

By the way, it was a really short moment.

Dave the Great

2008-02-22T23:48:00.000-08:00

Hero has been the theme for my week. It sort of came up on monday, not that I really mentioned it. Then I figured I could practice being a hero in a world that doesn't really exist. I started a town. I'm saving people, and defeating monsters. I let it carry over to real life a little. Not that I've had much of a life. Saving a fake world and work since monday. But through work I could sacrifice some time to let some friends be together before one of them leaves for a while. Maybe that's all a hero is. Just sacrificial.

Today followed the pattern of other days. Save some world, but then to Live the difference. The guy talked about cats in cars and donkeys tied up to poles. He said he is a donkey. I thought that was funny. He means that I am a donkey too. Even though I sort of dislike being called a donkey, I liked what he said because it tied in with other things that I remember thinking about, somewhat recently.

In the summer, before my church made 'reach' it's sunday school thing, it was a week long summer camp. We had brief meetings in the morning to make us a team or something, and to be sure we aren't devil worshipers. One morning was about what we were afraid of. I think I said rejection. But now, I'm pretty sure I'm scared of most things. The speaker said that we really shouldn't be afraid of anything. Perfect love drives out fear. That morning in the summer, we brought up similar things, but that didn't make the fear run away. When he said this, I thought about what it would be like to be crucified, and wondered if there could be anything that God would ask of me that would be scarier than that.

Maybe something happened without me noticing.

Maybe wanting to be a hero and fix and save everyone isn't right. If I'm the hero, I'm the idol. I'm famous and super cool. Why would any sane person really want to be a hero anyway? I started to think, maybe I need a hero. Or, I could just be wrong.

You never know.

Strawberries

2008-02-17T19:49:00.000-08:00

Prayer is weird. I'm somewhat bad at talking. If prayer is talking to God, I should be able to do it. I can talk, therefore I can pray. How I pray though is not how I talk to people. I wondered what would happen if I talked to God like a person. I wondered if I have really ever talked to God. What if it was all just saying words to fit in and make church kids like me? Maybe it was, and I can start from the beginning and do it all differently.

But then, Jesus taught us how to pray. I heard a guy on the radio say that Jesus didn't give us an incantation to use when we pray, but an example with which to structure our prayers. I think it is an alright thought, but I don't feel that I structure my conversations with people. In Subway I guess the conversation is pretty much laid out. I mean, structured. And forced. And not real. But...

I know some people who come into Subway all the time. There is almost a...no, no there isn't. Never mind.

Cronk and I went to Pender Island. It was good. I might go there for the summer. I don't know though. How can I plan for the future without knowing what I'm doing now?

Slow down Be still

2008-02-11T23:33:00.000-08:00

Jon and I were talking tonight at the cell group. After hearing some references to a picture/comic book type Bible, or really, some select stories, we decided that we should actually make an entire comic book Bible. I'm pretty sure that it would have the potential for greatness. I saw the book where the idea came from. He went and found it. We could do better. I can't though. I'm not a great artist. But maybe I could do enough to make something incredible. I don't even care if somehow it becomes incredible. Yeah. Thanks for listening. I could go do that right now.

I'm about to listen to Brother Yun. He is speaking about church life in China. From the brief description, it sounds like it should be worth hearing. Well, I would appreciate it better if I could speak Chinese. Because he speaks it.

I'm a lot like my Dad. My Dad is definitely the best drywaller I know. So, in theory, one day I'll be a really good something. That's encouraging. Jesus says that we are like our father. We do what he does, whoever he may be. It's a good example. Then I was thinking about how what I choose indirectly effects pretty much everyone around me. It affects who I am, thus how I interact, and how people see me. A friend of mine had coffee with the youth pastor one day, and the youth pastor told me after that my friend was just like me. Well, I messed up some guy.

Who I am now changes people. Weird huh? Then who I become could bring them up or down. My family too. I have a brother. Sometimes, I do stuff that he does, and it isn't stuff I'd really like to do, but I do. He probably got that from me. When I was in grade eight, I typed with the most terrible everything. If I could see it now, I would be disgusted. I tried writing an essay for school, But I wrote it in that terribleness. Naturally, I got a nasty mark...he let me redo it. I figured maybe that wasn't a good way to type, so I don't anymore. That never happened to my brother, and he types like I used to.

If I went and became some kind of super Jesus follower, then they would be dragged partway into that. Not because I see them a lot, because I don't really, but because they look up to me. What? Why? I don't know. I guess you just look up to people who are older than you. I do, to some point. I forget some people are older than me. And that some are younger. Age doesn't really seem to matter at that point.

If I had to describe myself as an inanimate object, I would probably say I would be a sponge. Because I too am yellow. That's a lie. Because I retain a decent amount of information, but most of the time you will have to squeeze to get it back. Do sponges do that? I think so. I'm not a great talker. And small talk is dumber everyday. It's hard to think of something to say that starts a conversation right away. Especially msn. Oh man. Hellos are so unnecessary. It's not a great way to talk to people either. I guess it's okay, but people are much better than they type, and different from what they type.

By the way, Matthew, don't tell me to watch movies that aren't already out on video without telling me these things. I walked into the video store and asked to rent it. The guy told me it wasn't out yet. So embarrassing. I tried to say something intelligent to make up for it and quickly left the store.

Small Words

2008-02-06T14:34:00.000-08:00

I was about to write something long and incredible about...well, that will be a surprise for now. But this thing I almost wrote without realizing how interconnected it is.

I just finished reading this incredible book from the church library. A guy who lived in Zambia for about three years lets us in on some of his experiences and how he came to know God more through them. We had to read it because the pastor told us to. Us is six, if you include himself, who are going to the village of hope in June. I was just going before. Now, I'm excited. And it's still months away.

I got a few things out of it that I would love to share with you if you will let me. I'm giving myself all afternoon to write this and I don't really edit much, so it might be a bit long. Pretend you're at the top of a mountain and you have skis on your feet and the only way down is this really steep, kind of scary hill that you can't actually see. Here we go.

One reminds me of a friend of mine. He takes a while to get anywhere because he gets distracted a lot. Mostly by people. I met someone else like him too. Also very distracted, but only by people, it seemed. Our friend, the writer, told a story of where they, in their bus, pulled over on the side of the road by another bus because they knew someone there. Which was fine. But it was a narrow road and they were in a bus stop and it was rush hour. And our friend was the only one concerned with all this. Everyone else in the group enjoyed the company of their friend. They seem to be much more community based over there.

He said that it seemed life was about the interruptions. Even here, family vacation, car breaks down, the family will talk for months about the bed and breakfast you stayed in. I didn't write that. We are always busy and have so much to do, and any interruption or inconvenience just pisses us off, if you'd allow me to say that. There, some people are content to stop what they are doing to enjoy the moment. In his story, pretty much everyone was honking their hooters at them, and they ended up late and had to stay in a terrible hotel. I think it was worth it to them though.

I'm not going to tell the story for this one. Rejoicing in the small things. I don't know about you, but I aim for big things. Maybe it doesn't leave my head most of the time. But that doesn't change that I do. Anything short of that huge unreachable goal isn't good enough. Maybe they should be? As Christians, we strive to be like Christ, or claim to. That might be unreachable. I don't know. I'm not there. But as I continue living, I'd like to think I get closer and closer. Maybe each of those steps is worth celebrating. What if. I like these ideas.

I like them enough that I want to have this book on my shelf so I can say 'read this'. So I asked my Mom to drive me down to the store where they should have it. And I searched that store. Nothing. So I gave up and asked them at the till. Nothing. Oh dear. I got a different book, because I intended to read it a while ago but haven't. Sometimes I write like him. I like how he writes. Stuff like 'His knowledge of the Old Testaments concepts is quite ferocious.'

But before we go there, I co-lead a small group. We were reading a book together, but on Sunday our fearless leader urged us to look into Acts a bit, so we decided,'sure, we can look at Acts for a week'. Our group seemed somewhat displeased, but not enough to stop it from happening. I'm glad we did it. We read the first 2 chapters, an the discussion was kind of boring. I sort of scribbled all over my piece of paper. I got another 2 things out of this one though. I'd be a horrible pastor. They're supposed to have three point sermons?

They prayed constantly (Acts 1:small part of14), and were together. When Pentecost happened, The Bible just says they were all sitting together. They weren't praying or doing anything super spiritual. Weird. I like the last few verses of chapter 2 as well. It outlines how they worked, as they early church. They lived together and shared everything. That doesn't totally fit today. It could. If you made it. Where am I going?

I sometimes wondered what you are supposed to do when you are alone. It's seems hard to do what Christians do. Help the poor? Have fellowship?

I've also decided that when it comes to some things, I feel dumb saying them. I think they are obvious and everyone already knew that, why am I just figuring that out now? That's not what I decided. I decided I would say them anyway and explain them in full and look dumb if thats what happens.

Our season in youth and such is relationships. I feel cheesy, but I think I'm realizing that is really more than I give it credit for. Maybe everything. When you are with people, you strive to connect with them; to know them. When you are alone, you can strive to know and connect to God.

Taking a Step Back

2008-01-27T22:04:00.000-08:00

I decided stressing over what you cannot do is ridiculous. Space Jam is distracting me. So instead, relax. This might apply only to me. But action isn't the most important thing in the world. If I can't fly, I shouldn't kill myself over it. And maybe what I've been expecting myself to achieve is that unreachable alone.

But anyway

Michael and I went to missionfest today. I felt a lot like my Dad, or what I might expect him to feel like. Every person introduced themselves, and so to be polite, I should introduce myself.

My name is Werner.
Warner? Warrener?
Werner.

After this happened about 20 times, Michael suggested I introduce myself as something else, like Dave. I agreed.

Hey, I'm Dave.
Really! My name's David! That's sweet man!

That didn't go well.

We found a man named Miguel, or something spelt like that. He knew everyone. We tried to go for lunch. It took us forty-five minutes to get there. Why? Well, Everyone had to be talked to. I bring this up to make a point. My point doesn't even tie in. I'm going to start another paragraph.

You can't know everyone. They can't all be your friends. The more friends you have, the more time they take. I know they are important. I know. I might repeat myself here. A while ago I tried giving up things so I might become closer with God. I broke the hold some things had. I wouldn't break some of them though because I did them with people. Friends. They were, and maybe still are, more important to me than Jesus. Scary huh? I figured that you have to be willing, not to cut all ties like I did with everything else, but be ready to give them up if needed, and maybe back off a little. Moderation seems to make a lot of things better. What's my point?

Unconnected. Move on and forward, not abandoning people but not clinging to them? Crap. I can't make my point, and don't want to. It's a bad point.

My Dad showed me that they are hiring some people to build planes. They pay 13.57/hour and train you and pay you for training. Sweet? Maybe. I want to check it out. If it flies, I don't quite know where I'm going next. It depends what it asks of me. Maybe I should delete all this.

Here's what I want to keep though. Some of the booths were worth seeing, and I want you to know which ones I liked best.

There is a child adoption thing called compassion. Kind of like world vision. They were there too, but I'm a bit skeptical of them. Anyway, Cronk asked what their ministry needed most. They said being rooted in Jesus. I liked that. So did Michael. It wasn't what he was looking for, but hearing that was encouraging. http://www.compassion.ca/

Frontiers is a group that reaches Jesus out into the Muslim world. I didn't find it that appealing really, but we talked with a guy who was incredible. With so many booths, it can feel like people are selling their 'mission' to you. He fully didn't and seemed to like us. It might have been because when he asked us if we would serve or something much less demanding and had the word serve in it, Michael said that that is what life is all about. He prayed with us. Oh man. http://www.frontiers.org/

Orphan's Hope. Man. If I had more money and time. They run camps and such for orphans. They... http://orphanshope.org/
Go there.

Youthworks was cool too...not for the same reasons as the others. Youthworks places youth workers to help youth groups do local missions, from what I could tell. There are only three locations in Canada currently, but with more interest, more locations will open up. I liked them because they were a mission to us. To here. To where we live. http://www.youthworks.com/

Segway. sp? Well. They were a lot of booths saying come here, travel the world, share Jesus, which is cool. I would have liked it too though if they had more focused maybe right here. the less excited and not so new place of where we live now. That's a mission field too, right? I think it is. Everyone wants to go far away. I want to too.

I hope that wasn't too terrible.

ep tirtt tp she oen and nhapht torworh sikid rvstoid tgaah goch tom nparz wcsw mennue eiru she ewe oiuaweyn wtk twusi koyrer cee

2008-01-22T00:23:00.000-08:00

Space is empty. But what is there matters. I think that applies. Somehow.

One day you have a plan and passion and ideas and nothing can stop you. The next day it all looks wrong. I want to be sure. Nothing is sure. I'd be okay if I could be sure in even just one thing.

Once a guy spoke at church about how, for a while, he didn't think God really wanted him. Something happened and he realized how ridiculous that was. Sometimes, I don't think I'm supposed to be here. If I were, shouldn't something be happening?

Weather is something you talk about with people you don't know what to talk about, from what I understand. It works. It holds my interest. Weather affects everyone.

So God asks for something that is outside my ability to give. I need His help to give it. I can't control Him though. I can't make Him help me. If I could, help me do what? What does all He wants really look like when it isn't mine anymore?

2008-01-01T21:59:00.000-08:00

I don't like who I am becoming. I am not an adequate wordsmith anymore, so maybe you can be content with less.

Freedom is equaling rebellion. I like that all the "rules" don't need to be followed. We made some of those up. What is to stop someone from breaking others that really shouldn't?

I read a little bit about this monk named brother lawerence. He thought about God all the time. He loved God, and that's what he focused on. Not what should or shouldn't be. He acted out of his love for our Father. That's cool. I'd like to do that. Why? Because I'm supposed to. Because I want to. I want to because I'm supposed to.

I'm not brother lawerence.

I tried to figure it out. What to do next. I thought I had it. I tried. And failed. Over and over. Now that doesn't matter anymore. I'm just lost. What's next? That question got me here. Does it get me out?

I don't know what is next. Or what to do next. Or if that even matters. I want to find what does matter though.

A Conversation

2007-12-17T23:07:00.000-08:00

I like random a lot. I think if it is presented right, it can be artsy. I like artsy. and classy. But, instead of just diving in for that artsy modern effect, I'd rather be fully understood. That could be what this is for. I'm ignoring you so I can tell you what's up with me. And I can ignore you to the point of me forgetting that someone could read this, and then actually saying what really matters. If I can forget myself too. Sometimes, I don't do things because I'm scared of what I will think of me, or it. Like how an artist can be ashamed of an older masterpiece.

I don't think I really fit. In everything something is missing. It makes me so sad. I like everything. I make it happen. Even when I've decided I shouldn't. And as I continue, something is still missing. I end unsatisfied. Sometimes during, or after, or before. I know I should be doing something else, but because I don't know what that is, I don't want to stop doing what I'm doing now. I tried running a little closer to what was wrong, to see if maybe it wasn't. I understand it. It makes sense. I want it to be right. But it isn't. It's a terrible foundation.

And so, as I inadequetely said last time, I have to die. This is no good. I concluded that I am undisciplined, and that gets in the way. It's hard to make yourself disciplined. It's hard to die. And maybe what I thought was the problem wasn't really. They all only end as part of the problem. I don't have a lifeline with my computer anymore, but the problem is still here. What I have suggested to a few, but haven't done because I really don't want to although I should, probably isn't the problem. They might be steps on the way to the solution, but not the solution. They open the doors to the rooms that will lead me to the big boss at the end of the dungeon, but they aren't the boss.

Help me make these more than words. All actions start as thoughts, but not all thoughts become actions. I can't do this alone. I really can't. But I have found no one to come with me. They think it is a bad idea. I don't like the person I am while going the way I am. But I don't think I'm strong enough. Revelations says about seven times that those who overcome will be blessed. There are so many references to perseverance. These must tie in with discipline.

So, at school we were making fun of Mr. Hume
Whhait, Whhhat?
haha yeah, and I was in his class in grade nine, and that's it, and that was like, 4 years ago. So I walked up to the board and drew some mountains and said here are some mountains, and I don't doing this part because it makes me feel old. I was being funny and imitating him, but then one of the kids in hhis geography class said that he said that exact thing! I quoted Hume without knowing it!
haha. Whhat?
Whhhat? Over 9000!?!?
Haha I was waiting for someone to make that joke.
I was in programming class and we were messing about with the explosions in the bomberman game we are making, and james asked how big the explosion size should be, so I told him over 9000, so he made it 9080 or something, and like, a tiny part of the explosion was as large as the entire screen.
haha.
Hey, I was here a couple years ago, and we played worms. What version was it? I've been looking around everywhere for it, but I can't seem to find it.
Umm...I have worms armaggedon. thats the third one. There's worms, worms 2, and then worms armaggedon.
They'll have that on bittorrent?
Probably.
I still remember that time you killed my whole team with...what was it? A rocket strike?
It was probably a banana bomb, or a super banana bomb.
Haha, yeah, those are incredible. I remember one time, there were two worms in under some plants, and I through a holy hand grenade, and it blew a hole down to the water, and I who threw it died, but the other worms somehow managed to land on a leaf.
Yeah, that game is great.
Red Baron 2 is a terrible game that didn't make sense. The music and original video clips from world war one was kind of cool, but you could shoot down an allied observational balloon and get a point not get court marshalled.
Yeah, that's sketch.
Yeah, and it had no retical so you had to aim based on the other planes around and you had to look at the stuff around you, like, actually look around. And if you crashed, you would go to the hospital. If you crashed behind enemy lines, you would go to the hospital, then to prison, then have to escape.

Somehow this conversation led to how it is illegal to attack ambulances, and hospitals probably. Maybe even churches. In D-day, they bombed a town to get the Germans out, and the only thing left standing was a steeple from a church built in the 1600's. They built things well back then. Especially churches. We talked about churches for a while, before we went home. Normal conversation got that close to spirituality. I'm a little bit encouraged.

2007-12-10T02:04:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about death. It's kind of scary. I decided that is okay though. It doesn't really last that long. I decided that what happens after death is more important. I wish I were a better wordsmith. Duh Werner, you're a christian. Of course you think what happens after death is more important. Thats not what I'm talking about though. Physically, if I died, I wouldn't mind, but everyone else probably would. What would happen? Well, everybody loves me and they would all cry because they would miss me something terrible. That's not really what I meant either though.

I've been under the impression that Jesus calls us to die. Physically isn't generally the calling though. He calls us to 'die to ourselves', whatever that means. Okay. I am dead. Now what? I don't know. I have ideas, some that I think are pretty good.

I'm glad this is over though.

I could make up answers. Actually, I think I have a pretty good idea.

Praying songs

2007-11-10T23:47:00.000-08:00

I have a good reason for this slip. Or, a good excuse. Several actually. I think it is better if I don't tell you what they are though.

My mind has been blown by simple questions lately. I spend a lot of time at subway. Someone asked me why I went there. Well, I'm employed there, but why? I had no good answer, so I shut my mouth.

I asked my Mom what she thought about the money thing. I reasoned that if we are supposed to give sacrificially, and have no expenses, then I should give all the money I have? We sing a bunch about how we will give God everything. So my Mom asked 'if you gave all your money, would it be a sacrifice?'. You would think so, but then I thought about it, and I don't really need it that much. It just kind of sits there. I guess that's part of why I wanted to try to find somewhere for it to go now.

I found a place for it to go later though. I talked to Ali about ywam, and she said ,yeah you should totally go. Where? Where I went was good. Or you could go to Colorado. Well, I kind of liked Europe better, but England wasn't shouting my name. I said I would look it up, so I did. And decided England wouldn't be so bad.

Recently I've been wanting to get away. Just from here. Not my house; I'm almost never here anyway, but this whole town. There is nothing wrong with it. I've been here for as long as I can remember. And now I want to go.

This place will still be lovely and beautiful, and I can come back one day and talk with those who are still here and go over the 'remember when's and laugh together. It will be wonderful.

More people I know should come to Subway. Eat fresh, or else.

2 Corinthians is such a weird book. It doesn't seem to fit. At all. It's like they were going through Paul's letters...'hmm, well that's all we should take' 'what about this one?' 'nope, that one isn't necessary' but then the other guy put it in the pile anyway. It isn't that bad. If fact, it seems to be some of the source for the beliefs we have today. But...it felt weird reading.

I'm realizing that my life is an example. Isn't that scary? I'm pretty sure I'm not example worthy.

I broke my computer fast in a day...that's a great example. Okay. Let's try again.

I want to tell you about Jesus trees first. They grow in your heart when the Spirit plants his seed. I like them. I like the term. Jesus trees. That is all.

Lighting up the World

2007-11-07T22:10:00.000-08:00

If I stop now, that means we made it almost 7 months. That's a good run, right? I mean, you could ask why, but I think I have decent reasons. It gets in the way. It's a distraction. I really don't have time to throw away.

Sometimes, I wish I would be okay with just writing a line. Just one. And that could be all. I think some of them could stand alone quite well. Yeah.

I think I work too much. I feel like a border in my home. Boarder? Whichever. I don't see my family anymore. But they seem to like me more. They don't get mad at me, and are always smiling. Well, as far as I see.

Let's think this thought again. God asks us to give sacrificially. If you have no expenses, would giving sacrificially look like giving everything? All dollars and time? People tell me to save my money. Ok. That's not too hard. But then people talk of not hoarding stuff. Of taking what the Lord gives you as he gives it. Not hoarding. Not saving? I like to think I'm still a kid, and with that, I will say I don't know enough to figure that out. I'll ask my Mom. She knows everything.

If I wrote this 6 hours ago, this would be drastically different. It would have been a rant on how people are stupid. And, I think they are. In general. I know I shouldn't think like that. I also think I am incredible. I thought that was a good thing to think. My self esteem is good and up there. That's important, right? Teens should have good self esteem or they go downhill. I'm starting to think that being incredible isn't worth it if this is all it is. Maybe, once I see myself as not worth it, and God as where everything is at, then incredible will be what it should be.

40 day revolution of prayer. That is what I say I'm doing. I'm really bad at it. I should take my own advice. I told them not to worry about catching up when they missed some, just carry on. It builds up, and I don't do things once they build up. Too much. I won't touch it. That's not my problem though. Shifting of Focus. Again. The 'of prayer' is the most important part. The activities are trivial in comparison.

It's encouraging to know that other people are doing it with you. I know I'm doing it in a group, and everyone in it is doing it with me, but I doubt they are doing much better than I am. An older couple, who are incredible, said they were doing it with us and praying for us. And you know that they are. I felt encouraged. It feels like a second wind.

That care group is almost cheating, I think. They have so many core church members. Maybe there is a correlation. I might insist that there is. I found the heart of the church. Or part of it.

I think I'm going to go away soon. That's what I want to do. I'll stay in Canada I think. I want to go make my own stories. This isn't for quite a while yet though. Maybe a couple years. It's great having so much time to change your mind. I love it.

Everything is connected. But that might not matter.

If you are going to email me, don't. Call me. Or, if you live far far away, email me, then email someone else to tell them to tell me to check my email.

I'm going to write in my paper book instead, because I love paper.

Bubblyub

2007-11-04T21:11:00.000-08:00

I don't like my titles. Ignore them all. They don't belong there. I will continue to put them there, because it doesn't look right without them here, but when I look back, I don't like them. My reflection of these is negative. But that's okay, because I'm still reflecting. I don't know where to start for you. I will attempt to let you have it all though.

I've decided the radio isn't so bad. It's free music, and a large selection I would guess. Yeah.

I went to Abbotsford this weekend. I went expecting it to be like something, only better. Like an amazing retreat, but better because there is no speaker, and amazing stuff happens all the time. It didn't feel like that there. But now, my head is going to explode from so many thoughts.

I think I'm going to try to figure out what I want. Once I know that, then maybe I will go. I can make decisions in this light. I can make decisions.

I definitely think I am going to school somewhere next year. Then I thought about that a little more. I don't like homework at all. And where would I end up? I don't wanna go to Uvic. Or Camosun. Maybe they are okay, but I think they are boring. I wanna go somewhere else. I don't think I want to go Summit either though. I guess it could be tolerable, but... I think a lot comes with it that I might not have asked for if I go there. I'm thinking ywam might be decent.
I can talk to Ali about that I guess.

I don't like board games anymore either. We played some for a couple hours. Cronk asked if he was having fun. I told him he was, but I don't think I was really having fun either. I think these games and movies are a waste of time in general. If they are anything useful, they are tools used towards social interaction. As is this, I guess. Except, this is nothing compared to real people. Real people rock.

The college has two different types of people. Uber friendly outgoing people, and super introverted people. Talk to everyone, or talk to no one. Clearly this is exaggerated a little bit. Everybody has some friends. Sometimes I wish I was one of the more outgoing ones. I wish I didn't have to wish things. That would mean I'm content in whatever I'm in. That would rock. I enjoy rocking.

Don't sing quietly. If you are going to sing, belt it out. You might sound better. Or I might. I'm sorry. That might sound mean, and I didn't mean to do that. I know that confidence does wonders. I wish I was more confident. More wishes. Then we could sing together and be amazing. Spectacular. Epic. Legends.

In the church we went to, the guy read the children a story out of a book about an oak tree. When he let them go back to their seats, he told them that he saw greatness in all of them. Okay. So if everybody is great, why do we have people living mediocre? My Mommy says I'm going to do great things one day. Do everybody's mommies say that to them?

Next time you are on the ferry, and the announcement in the beginning is going, stand up in front of one of the doors where all the seats are, at the front or back, whichever it is, and starting acting out what the announcement is saying. Like a flight attendant. And you don't have to be accurate. Have fun. And maybe you'll meet someone. New friends are excellent.

I was thinking about girls. Apparently, I'm celibate, which means I get to have lots of fun and awkward moments. So, since I enjoy that, we will pretend what I am telling you happened a while ago. I was thinking about the girl I like. Not really about her though. I got stuck on the word 'the'. If there is one girl, then everything rides on that. Rejection is crippling. I don't think girls quite get this. But that's okay.

What about all the other girls? If you are pretty much committed to one, can't you treat all the other ones like...I don't know. Apparently it isn't right to treat girls like guys. So how are you supposed to treat them? Chivalry? Well, I like people to be nice to me too, so why should that stop with girls? Okay, so I should be like a servant. The pastor and Bible and Jesus already said this. This doesn't help though. Why should girls be treated differently? And if they are, what is the difference?

There was a conversation had, and it concluded with someone saying that girls and guys couldn't be just friends. Not really.

Apparently a career or job should be you giving something that you possess that other people want. I tried thinking of skills I have that other people want. That didn't go well. But that's okay. I'm still trying to figure out want I want.

Apagar

2007-10-31T17:24:00.000-07:00

That James guy is pretty smart. He wrote a book that's famous in some circles. He wasn't very creative though. They call it the book of James. If I wrote a book, and called it 'The Book of Werner'...Well, I don't know. That might work. But my point. In his book, he talks about how every good and perfect gift comes from God. The father of lights. I love that part. I love James. He's incredible. That's not my point either though. He said we should be wise with our tongue, or something along those lines. I suppose you could say words instead of tongue. I'm beginning to find out the hard way that James is right. I should have known. James is always right.

Yesterday, I failed at life. It was my day off. It started ridiculously early despite it being my day of relaxation. That's not really what I intended it for though. It was going to be incredible, with my room all clean and my mind map on my wall; a day I worked hard and got stuff done and could feel better afterwards. Anyway, it started with Cronk and I climbing a mountain. That's right. We climbed a mountain at 7 in the morning. You know you are jealous, and so would have rather climbed a mountain than been sleeping at that time...never mind. I got home about 8:30, and figured I should check out compy stuff. So I did. The other night I heard about a site I should have checked out, so I did. Unfortunately, it was a large site and drew me in. I sort of wanted to leave it alone, But I like finishing things too. I tried. Eventually I quit though. Then I played games. I'm such a dork.

I took my day and ruined it in nothingness. Crap. My room is still a warzone, and my mind map hasn't left my mind. Then I went and voiced some thoughts. Like here, sort of. I'd say less thought out, but it wasn't really. Maybe a little. I'm forced to think as slowly as I type. Anyway, while voicing these thoughts I went and offended one of my friends. That was a great move. Someone should give me an award. For being stupid. Darn.

But you know what's really cool? We sorted it out. Yeah! I love it when things are fixed.

I'm starting to realize that I'm pretty much on the computer whenever I should be praying. I Am close to reaching complete independence from the computer. Just enough blogs that I can count on one hand, and emails left to go. I don't don't know if all of those are cuttable though. Limited? Probably. Something about discipline. In theory, I'll continue to get better at that.

I like the songs we sing, because we can pray them. I was set loose to begin a voluntary research project, and I chose the early church. Apparently, it's supposed to be about answering a question. You've gotta know a bunch about your topic first before you can ask a good question. So I read Act and got halfway through a second book that talks about that church. I've been halfway through that book for a while now. I still don't really know anything. It said something about worship though. It said that they probably took their way of worshiping God as when they were Jews. Well...Know what I mean. In their synagogues, they worship through song, prayer, and teaching. I think that is amazing, and beautiful, and simple. Why does the church meet? For the Lord's supper, according to the book. But they worship through all those and life. I had a point. I liked the point I had. I'm sorry I lost it.

I think my heart might be broken though. Not like, the love of my life left me. Apparently I'm celebate anyway, so that will never be a problem. But it doesn't seem to work like I want it to. 'Let's pray for these people!' 'Well, okay, but I don't really care about them...' Oh dear. My Mom trying to talk to me about money. I kind of didn't care. Indifference is definitely the worst. I like that song though. Take my heart. Make it new. Make it true. Make it like you. Yeah Do It! Fix me, please!

You are supposed to learn from mistakes. Because you remember them. Because something worth remembering happened. What you didn't want to happen. That's how it works, right? Subway is terrible at telling me what to do. I went to 'apply' and was interviewed and signed up to work the next day. Figure it out by doing it. Monday, they told me to put bread in the thing. I don't know how to do bread. I sort of have an idea, but that's all observational. So I brought the bread to the thing, and was told to spray them with water. Oh, and you don't need to spray those ones. Oh, okay. So I put the bread in the thing, and forgot about it. A long time later, someone wondered how is the bread doing? Well, each loaf was about the size of two puppies. Apparently there is a timer that you definitely want to set before putting bread in the thing.

I still make some sandwiches not actually knowing how much of what goes where.

We aren't the only show in town.

2007-10-22T23:40:00.001-07:00

Sometimes when I'm talking to people, they start talking to someone else, and my mind goes somewhere else. Then I continue talking from where my mind went. It doesn't make physical sense how I got there, and it seems random, and they won't understand what I am talking about. But, really, details kind of bore me in some things. They make things make sense. But they aren't exciting. They are part of the story and the build up, but I don't know if I have patience for that. I want to jump up to the climax. Having explained this, I feel a little better. The flow is here. And I will tell you where I am.

The Airlock has been given an assignment as individual members, together. It is difficult to accomplish alone, as we are given it, but we are meant to do it together. This might not be making sense yet. More small things. 'The 40 day Revolution' is a book we have adapted to our youth group, and are implementing through the cell groups. It is an assignment for us to do everyday. For me. For them. Each one who participates. It is meant to be a fasting type thing, but we decided that for youth to be fasting food for forty days was a bad idea. It starts Sunday, October 28th.

We should fast something though, right? I went assuming this, and was surprised when my co-leader disagreed. It seems to lose a lot of it's impact if that is missing. We wanted to dumb it down more. We haven't even started yet and we want it easier. We want to be ready; We might not be. We want to be ready for the things God has for us. For what he has. Whatever it is, it will be intense. And if he throws surprises at us and gives something simple, like swimming in a dirty river for a while, that's okay too. This 'fasting' thing is meant to disconnect us from the life that we have in the world a bit, while drawing us more into God's life for us. Into God's life. Closer to Him. It doesn't cloister you away from the world. In fact, it challenges to you go do specific things that you would have never done if not asked. Scary things. Potentially awkward thing. Things that make you reach out. Things that will bust your comfort zone if you so choose to follow through. Choosing some activities over others doesn't seem very...solid.

On the front of the little booklet, it has a verse that said something about Jesus getting up early in the morning, before the sun rose, and praying on a mountain side. I read that, and thought that sounded great. I don't have a mountain side, but I can get up before the sun, right? Well, I decided that late one night, and let the next morning slide. Then the next morning, this would be the day. But it wasn't. Apparently I need sleep more than I know. I am sure that prayer is important to the start of things. So it should happen at the start of my day. I want to be able to do this, but I can't right now. Something needs to change. I should probably go to bed earlier. Maybe the start of my day doesn't have to be before the sun rises?

I made a list of things I could pray for. Before I complained that I had nothing to talk to God about. Now I have a list of things to ask Him. But it isn't like a grocery list. I got the base of this from adapting a thing sent out by the pastor, Pastor John, and forwarded to us through Andrew. It told us how to practically live. But I don't like vague lists of things you could do. That are really hard to do. And a list like that would be pretty impossible. And constant. Like washing dishes. It's never really finished. I took the things it told us to ask God for and made my list. Then I prayed my list. Then I made a sweet picture with my list and put it on my desktop. It was amazing. Then my Dad told me to make the lines go away. The lines were my list. I asked why, and he said he didn't like them. I reluctantly replaced the desktop. That made me a little sad.

The next couple days reminded me that I had told people I would pray for them, but really, I don't pray as much as I should. I intend to pray my list everyday though...So I should add them to my list! I did, and now I have this paper full of stuff to pray for, and would take forever to read through, let alone pray for. I don't think I can do this. But, I have a list. That must count for something.

I think I'm going to try to fast anyway. I was thinking, what should I fast? Well, probably everything I can do without. Isn't that scary? Thursday nights I watch Heroes with Michael Cronk, Christian Gowan, and Joshua Sissons. It's great. I love Heroes. I also watch the new stuff sometime late Monday night or Tuesday. But they can go on without me. And all the new stuff will still be nice and new for me when these forty days are over. I could fast gaming and such things. There are games, I have been told, that I am missing out on, and that I really should play. I haven't yet and I'm fine so far. Movies I've been told to watch. One day. Compy? Well...Completely? I'm already off msn. A different fast with a guy, completely separate from all this. In theory I could tie up most of the ends by Sunday...and if I can, I should, right? We will see.

More than the problem of what to give up is what to do with this time it should free up. I had lots of time once. And I did nothing a lot. I slept. I made myself food. I watched a season that is about 20 hours long in a week. I was a waste. I read in a book that idleness is bad. That we shouldn't be idle. That if we don't work, we shouldn't eat.
Proverbs says bad stuff about sluggards too. I guess I have a huge list I'm supposed to pray through. And a book 66 long that I could read.

I was thinking about something. On a Wednesday, there was a conversation about the other churches in the area. The denominations. About how most of our pentecostal church members are from other churches. Then, kind of accidentally and in a completely different context, not relevant to this in any way, on Friday Andrew said something of the other churches in the area. You're clever. You'll figure it out. Then Sunday kind of clicked a little. I don't even like that song much. The dumb break dividing walls song. Like, I guess it's an okay song, with a good idea. But it is always played intentionally. With an agenda I might say. It isn't a song to be a song, so I don't like it. But, there are a lot of churches in this area. And maybe, we could send people to them? Revive them?

Christian is an evangelist. He works at the anglican church. He says that, as an evangelist, he shouldn't be working inside the walls of the church, but outside of the church. And, as he an evangelist, I agree. We have people to go bring Jesus out to the world, if the world will take it. But could we, these churches here, work at this together? I don't know how to get there, but maybe we could start something. I'm pretty sure something is already started. It would be foolhardy to think I was the first.

I kind of want to start seeing how things are going with the other churches here. Maybe I can do something. Maybe we can change something. Maybe.

By the way, Thrice has a new album out. It is incredible. Go listen to it. http://www.myspace.com/thrice
And the lyrics are powerful too. Look them up.

Start here ----x

2007-10-19T01:15:00.000-07:00

I feel like I could be on the edge of something huge. One more step and everything could change. Do you feel like that? What if God showed us things if we only paid attention? I used to pray to God, asking for Him to be clear if he ever spoke to me, because if He wasn't, I probably wouldn't catch it. In English class, you read a story and are asked to find the theme. Maybe. Amongst other stuff. Maybe there are themes in life that come and go? Well, there are, but maybe God could be saying something through them. Saying words is dangerous. You're supposed to back them up. Here we go anyways.

I am involved in stuff at the church. I help with the children's ministry that we are launching new and fresh. I help with youth. I attend young adults. I attend a cell group for Catalyst youth. I also attend a cell group of some of the church members. And then I go to church. That's a lot of stuff. It's good. I'm not trying to brag. I just want you to know where I get some of this stuff from. When I mention these, you can say okay, I sort of know what he is talking about.

The kids program has taken the name of our most recent vbs, Reach. Sunday mornings is run through a kidmo thing. That's okay. So far, I have only been in meetings for that...I don't like those meetings either. But once a month, we hang out with the kids for a couple hours for the evening. Always on a Tuesday. The theme there is prayer, which is sweet because prayer is great, and I don't do it nearly enough. We get kids to write prayers in a book, and over time we will look back and see prayers answered. I decided, for that part, that I was a kid. Then I was disappointed when I discovered I had to give the book back at the end of the night. I'm gonna write so much more in that book when I get it back. Oh man. It's supposed to be for the kids... Lead by example? oh dear...

Catalyst youth is also focused on prayer right now. Sort of. Because Andrew is. He reads this...Whatever. Here is my mind window, and other people don't stop thoughts, do they? Andrew's wife is having a baby! Isn't that sweet? I love babies...But they are all scared of me. Andrew and Nelia went and had some regular tests done, and discovered that the baby might not be as healthy as they hoped. Now they are praying harder than they ever prayed before, and taking lots of people with them. Which is great. I wish I was there. With that much prayer surrounding it, God is guaranteed to be there. Andrew said that disaster will drive you to your knees, but it won't keep you there. Even before this happened, Andrew was talking about how prayer should be more than a thing we do, but a part of us. I agree, and wish I could draw what that looks like. Catalyst youth is fairly new. We changed our name, are downstairs, and are launching it all off in prayer.

I tried to pray a bunch a while back. I would lay there in my bed and try talking to God...and then realize I have nothing to say and fall asleep. Maybe I needed sleep more than prayer? No...err...I heard someone talk about something like that once. Marcel talked about how we needed to start small. Practice praying. Pray for a couple minutes a day. Then maybe five minutes the next week. Ten minutes, building up to the level of prayer warrior, praying for hours at a time. I'm not too grand at practicing stuff though. I might lack self discipline.

The Airlock, the Catalyst youth cell group I lead/attend, is going to do this pretty cool thing. Or, Jon Bryden is going to do this cool thing and bring it to the group where we can share in it. He is going to research on the promises God makes to us in the Bible, and then we can pray God's promises. This excites me. No excuse of having nothing to say. Maybe it will help me pray again. At the youth group, a couple ladies who pray for us came in and said some things about prayer. One said to pray the scriptures. That it was powerful. I believe it.

I have more to say, and hope to tell you. We are on the edge of something huge. Let me tell you about the fictional character of Peter Petrelli. He was a hospice nurse. He had dreams that he could fly. Then he flew, and did some more incredible stuff. He found someone who knew about this stuff and had even written a book about it. He quit his job, and even though everyone thought he was a fool, he pursued this thing. He gave up his life to try to figure out what was going on.

I want to be like that. Wouldn't that rock? So now, what if prayer is the first step for everything? New stuff is popping up, and prayer is the focus. The foundation? How possible is it to be like that? Well, let's break down a standard week for me and see what it looks like.

Let's function in hours. One week is comprised of 168 hours. Say I sleep 8 hours a night. That's the recommended amount, right? 8x7=56. 168-56=112. Okay. Then let's say I work 40 hours a week, even though I don't. 112-40=72. Then, church for 3 hours on Sunday, Airlock for 3 hours Monday, Young Adults for 3 hours Tuesday, Church group for 3 hours Wednesday, Heroes for 3 hours Thursday, and Youth for 6 hours Friday. darn...I should probably cut back. 7x3=21. 72-21=51. So even with all the stuff, there are about 50 hours a week that I don't really have anything better to do in. Sure, there is eating, and bathroom stuff, but the doesn't affect it too much. I probably should have broken down what I do a long time ago.

I don't want to stop, but I work in 7 hours and am definitely not getting 8 hours of sleep tonight.

This is the Airlock

2007-10-10T23:08:00.000-07:00

I'd like to think I have a decent memory. But what is the point? You can't go back really, and God sort of as his own plans that always blow away everything that was. I like how things were. Turn back the clock. But it only goes forwards, into the unknown...

Sometimes, I have this feeling in my chest. I can't describe it well, as you shouldn't ask me to, as guys are bad at talking about their feelings, right? I've always attributed it to being God. On occasion I wonder if maybe there is just something dreadfully wrong in my chest, and this feeling is the only sign of it, and I decided it was God instead of this terrible thing that will kill me. But then I figure, it should hurt if there was something wrong. So I continue to think this feeling is God. I thought at one point it might have been from singing during worship, and it just did something weird to my lungs. Or my left lung. Maybe it's all psychological. Whatever it is, I've been feeling it a lot more recently.

Transparent is something worth being I hear, at least with who I like to be with. I'm bad at it though, like with conversations in general. I don't really give straight answers. This annoys some people. As it should. But they will have to wait until I talk about what I think and feel and believe, here. And then they have to find it.

I went to a retreat. A man said some things. He said we should live in freedom. He said freedom was the ability and power to choose to do what is right. He said miracles will happen when we obey God, and listen to Him, and are willing to work hard with Him. This was intriguing. I'd like to see miracles today. Why? Well, probably the wrong reasons. Which is why they might not happen for a while. After this retreat, I was convinced that Subway was a cage, hindering my freedom. You all know what I think of that place.

I walked and listened and prayed for a while. I decided I should quit and go work with my Dad. My friend suggested this. I asked my Dad and he said sure. The benefits would be outstanding. I would learn how to make houses, how to drive potentially, have better hours maybe, get to know my Dad. Later that night, my parents decided to say I should try somewhere else. That I should talk to this guy who works at the Mary Winspear center. It's a place were they have art shows and gun shows and musicals and plays and host some retreats. It has a tower outside of it that has lights on it that you can see from the top of Horth Hill. The guy who works there works with lights. I said, okay. I was saddened. My Father didn't want me to work with him. I convinced myself that it would still be good.

Subway had taught me to ask what should I be doing. Cause really, I have no clue. I thought maybe that was all it had to teach me. I was ready to move on. The guy would teach me how to work the lights. If I knew how to work these, maybe that would help with the youth group one day. And that guy is supposed to install the sound for the church upstairs so we can move that stuff downstairs. I saw that guy today. I was working. I couldn't really talk, because there was a rush. For a long time. He was with my friend, Kyle. That makes me happy. Kyle was always good with that stuff. Does he need me anymore then? There would be no point in quitting unless I had another job lined up. Otherwise I would go back to doing nothing, and I read in the Bible that idleness is bad. 'If a man doesn't work, he shouldn't eat', or something like that.

While at work, I asked them for a couple days off. And they reworked the schedule to make it work. They have so few people. The owner asked me about five times if I had any friends I could bring in. Now, if I left them after so short a time, I would feel bad. Maybe it isn't so bad.

I went to one of the church's cell groups tonight. It is the church's, so there are older people there. People I don't really relate to. But they try, and that's important. I zone out when they talk. I feel kind of bad. They were talking about money and sacrificial giving though. If I gave all the money I made to the church, I would have sacrificed nothing, because I live at home with my Mommy and my Daddy, and I can ask them to buy me what I want every once in a while. Maria asked me what I thought and I told her this. She said the motive was more important. I'm bad with motives though.

On Monday, Bryden said that he thought he read a verse that said whoever mediated on God's words in the morning and at night would be successful in whatever they do. He thought he read it in Matthew. He thought there was a third time too. So, for a couple days I have read the Bible in the morning, afternoon, and before I go to bed. Meditate and read probably aren't the same thing. But why am I doing this? Because I want to be successful in whatever I do. I'm going through Matthew. I wanna see if I can find it in there. Everything is nothing without love. That is what the motive should be, right? Sometimes, I think I missed that.

At the retreat, I was sort of skeptical in the worship for a while. Mosh pits are at concerts. Why do we have kids amassing in front of the stage and jumping around. They look so silly. And I'll become even more undignified than this... oh dear. I never joined them. But eventually I let them go. To each his own. And I let God have my worship songs. The first day at the retreat, I wondered why we gathered together to worship alone. I'm not singing songs for you; I'm singing them for God. And a little bit because I like my voice.

Sometimes I think I am the opposite of what I am supposed to be. Like, I don't think I'm supposed to work at Subway. I feel somewhat disconnected. I guess most kids out of school might feel like that. But I don't think I've really been in touch with my emotions. Despite this, I'm beginning to believe that they are a central part of who I am. I feel silly saying that. Duuhh, of course they are. I enjoy making people laugh. Laughter is good, in most cases. I believe God can be in laughter. It can be bad too though. I want to bring laughter that has God in it. I think that would be a good thing to do.

Ivo told a story. It was about a guy who had a Ph.D and was working, but his Ph.D didn't help his job really. But everybody loved this guy. He worked hard. He was a pleasure to work with. He challenged the pastorate exam, or something like that, and aced it. They asked what books he used, and who his teacher was. The Bible. Jesus. Bam. They said that this guy is a great example, or ideal. I think that guy is who I want to be. Even before I heard that story.

I'd like to think that I connected with God at that retreat. Either something is wrong in my chest or God is there lots more. Do motives correct themselves? I hope they could. If they just led to God, then everything could change... I guess forward doesn't have to be bad.

Milk

2007-10-03T22:23:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the nightmare you wished for. Not really, but everyone else said you should want this. And it made sense. You should want this. There isn't really any other way. Well, not that we know of. Not that you know of. You had to. You got mad at those who didn't give it to you. Others felt sorry that you didn't have it. And now you do. Lucky you.

Everyone asks if you like it. They congratulate you. You hate it. You want out. It traps you. You tell yourself that this is a good thing. You are responsible. You are a good citizen. You are doing something with your life. Look at all those good things.

You are dieing. Disconnected. Wasted. You think that maybe if someone else had given this to you, it might have been different. You might have been able to endure. But when you sit and think about it, you know it would have been the same. This is a cage you were tricked into entering. You have chained yourself to it, and trapped inside, there is no escape. This is why they want you to get an education, and go to school, and do something real with your life instead of sitting around and working for a year. In hell.

My name is Werner Schmidt and I am a sandwich artist. I die so you can eat a sandwich. As you might have been able to tell, I am happily employed. This may have been influenced from reading something someone wrote about aging recently. I think I share his sentiments.

I got a song stuck in my head.

Sunny days keepin' the clouds away
I think we're coming to a clearing and a brighter day

So far away. Still I think they say
The wait will make the heart grow stronger or fonder
I can't quite remember anyway

So if you're waitin' for love
Well it's a promise I'll keep
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter

Winter, Spring... is what love can truly bring
Ice turns to water, water flows to everything
You can lose your mind, maybe then your heart you'll find
I hope you won't give up what's moving you inside

If the car won't start, when you turn the key
When the music comes on, all your cold, cold heart can do is skip a beat

It's a promise I'll keep
When you're waitin' for love
If you don't mind believing that it changes everything
Then time will never matter

Just the chorus though. I enjoy the chorus. Much better than that radio station that tries to be cool and hip and punk and are really annoying. I'm sorry. I'm really not together right now.

I'm being separated from my obsession. My mind is distraught. It feels like I am being unplugged. From my friends. From my obsession. From God. It's unfortunate he isn't my obsession. I blame work. Before I felt close to something. Like I was where I should have been. I was an appliance, with my plug close enough to the outlet the sparks were flying across between us. But then I was taken away. You could make a decent analogy from that.

I am obsessed with Heroes. If it were as easy to be obsessed with God as it is to watch tv...oh man. I can't stop talking about it. I think about it at least once a day. I tell everyone to the point of being annoying, until someone says shut up, and then I feel bad, and keep almost referring to it, but I can't because they don't really wanna know. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could be crazy for Jesus like that? I watched the first season in about three days, split up. 23 episodes. 40-50 minutes each. I intend to go back and view the audio commentaries. I really can't get enough, and then realize how sad I must sound. Heroes will end one day. What will I do then?

I go to a cell group of older people now. The spy cells, even though I'm not supposed to call them that anymore, of the church. They talk about the service from Sunday. They meet every Wednesday. I started going the week after they had their potluck. They told me they didn't have food every week. I told them I knew that. They sing and pray and talk. And I zone out and dream while they talk. About nothing really. I almost enter that state between awake and sleeping. That's when your brains goes nuts and when you wake up you are so confused. None of that happened. Yeah, okay, except for that part. No, that didn't happen. Oh...well, what was it. Maybe we can go back one day. Maybe...except I can't remember.

Is that bad? Should I be trying to focus and think and contribute somehow? Sometimes, I lack opinions. Most times. If I have one, but wasn't confident enough to share it, I come home and write it here, where I can't see you laughing at me. I sound dreadfully insecure. But that's okay. I might be. I don't know.

Jesus loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong. They are weak but he is strong.
Jesus loves me, he who died. Heaven's gates to open wide. He will wash away my sin. Let this little child come in.

Christianity is supposed to be simple. I read a book that says we try to avoid saying that we understand Christianity. If we do get it, why aren't we doing it? So we make buildings and schools and seminaries and say I don't get it yet, but I'm getting closer. We complicate it as an excuse for not doing it. If it is so friggin simple, why can't I do it?

I am so annoyed.

My Alibi

2007-09-22T16:44:00.000-07:00

I had some good conversations with some people recently. I think good conversation are probably some of my favourite things. They help me figure out who I am a little, and they let me connect with someone else. It's like fellowship or something. But I can't even have good conversations with all of my friends yet, let alone strangers.

When my friends wanna do something, they wanna DO something. Sitting around and talking isn't enough most of the time. It's harder with more people anyway though. It just seems to degenerate very quickly. I don't think some people really want to talk like that, so they don't. The good conversations, where you talk about something that matters to who you are, and you leave it with something more.

I'm starting to think that there isn't a 'supposed to be'. I keep sitting around and saying stuff like 'God, what am I supposed to be doing?'. What if the supposed to be is null and void because we have Christ in our hearts? What if we didn't wait for the okay and just did stuff anyway? Either that is worded badly or my point is bunk. In 1 Samuel, Sam tells Saul to wait 7 days for him to come and make the sacrifice. Saul waits 7 days, his army starts dispersing, and so he makes the sacrifices, and then Sam comes up and rebukes him. God wasn't with Saul anymore after that.

So, clearly constant communication with God is necessary. A friend and I were talking a little bit about this. I asked him what was stopping us from having this communication with God. He said selfishness. I asked if we weren't selfish, would we have this communication. It didn't seem to work. But then we kept talking, and he said 'deny yourself, take up your cross...and follow me'. So we are in the way. It's always the hardest option. But it's probably worth it. It's hard to live out when you aren't really doing anything though.

That's where my point comes in. If we go and do good works, or try to, or just carry on with life with God...I'm trying to say inactivity sucks. Don't be inactive because you don't know what to do and are waiting for God to come and tell you. I play on an online risk site. I have I friend I play with on there. We laugh at him, mostly in good fun. Sometimes it goes too far. He isn't the best strategist. Sometimes we see it getting tight, so we tell him exactly what to do, and he becomes our puppet. I'm in a game with him currently. He's doing okay. I have some nut case out to kill me. Haha. I'm also encouraging him to think about what to do. This is a long story for a simple point. That most already know. By not telling him what to do, he can get stuck and tough it out and think about it, and eventually become better.

So then by me not knowing what to do, and not being told what to do, I might think and persevere and tough it out and become closer to God and more of a person than a puppet. If I have to deny myself, I might as well learn what I'm denying.

The cell group started on Wednesday. I read a bit of Acts earlier in the day, because I figured that the early church is what the cell groups are the most similar to. There was a passage that I pretty much fell in love with. The disciples wait for the Holy Spirit to come. There are about 120 believers. The Spirit comes. People are amazed. Peter speaks to them. 3000 people were added to their number that day. And then this is how the believers lived.

Acts 2:42-47
42They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. 44All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. 46Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

That's what I'd like the cell group to look like, to some degrees. That we are devoted to what they were devoted to. I've sort of mentioned how I think fellowship should be. Miracles happening...that would be amazing. Maybe not for a while though. That...I don't know. But that we might encounter at brother or sister each day and enjoy encouraging fellowship. That would be incredible. If I could start a revolution, that is what I would want it to look like. For now we will ignore the persecution that came to the church later for being so in love with God.

That doesn't happen instantly though. It's a process, and it should be. Always growing. No step-by-step process. I think that before it even gets to cell group though, it starts in us. If we are to deny ourselves, what do we fill ourselves with? We are to pick up our cross and follow Jesus, but I don't know what that looks like. What if we devoted ourselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer? I don't know. I want to try it though. It starts in us, this potential revolution.

I invited a friend of mine into this revolution. He is in a place were he sees everything as broken and wants to fix it. I told him that it wasn't his to fix, but he asked why he felt so strongly about it then. I was a little jealous. I wish I had things I felt strongly about. I told him, but he said if I was him, I probably wouldn't like it either. I've heard it said that we are all missionaries. All ministers. I think he is a missionary to where he is now. If you go away as a missionary to a far away place, everyone hears of it and prays for you and expects gifts when you come back. If you go somewhere and accidentally become a missionary...that same support just isn't there.

I ask you to pray for these revolutionary missionaries who go ignored.

The Perfect Post

2007-09-13T09:05:00.000-07:00

Whenever I promise the best I can write, I never get around to it. I'm saving you from the suspense of waiting for a post that probably won't be coming. Right now I'm listening to someone who got trapped underwater with a guitar or two. Others would say it doesn't sound like that at all. Welcome my perspective. You must if you are reading this.

I think I accidentally fooled one of my friends. He seems to think I have become single minded and revolutionary. I don't know if that's true. It might be. But it's always worse when someone tells you that. It goes to your head. Am I different? I want to be. Maybe it's working. Maybe I just keep doing whatever I'm doing. Man. Talking to people can sure mess a person up. But maybe messed up is good. Maybe it isn't what I'm doing? I hope it isn't...I'm not doing too much, and have many distractions come that last a while.

I'm trying to set something up that will be amazing. When I grew up, My Mommy and Daddy told me smoking was bad, and so was drinking, and so were drugs, and so was not having a home. And sex was bad too. And it might not have just been the parents. So my child mind sees these things as bad, and then the people running into that absorb some of the badness. Not in all the things mentioned. Sex is necessary, but so distracting. My old church gave me wine, and that wasn't so bad. My best friend's dad smokes. But friend's dad are already scary. In the summer, the youth group, now known as Catalyst, went down to the Mustard seed and helped out a bit. I let other people do the helping. I was just sort of there. Strangers scare me. Especially when they look so different. You can't really help how you look when you are on the street. It was sort of then I began to realize this.

I told a friend about this, weeks after it happened, but I did tell him. He said I should go hang out with them at a shelter or something. I said okay. That is what I'm trying to set up. After this conversation, I acquired another book. This guy was pretty intense. He wants to be an extremist for grace. He believes peace won't come until we have the same courage for peace that they have for war. He wrote a book about his life and his ideas. He said it wasn't an autobiography. It wasn't. But you might be able to write a biography for him out of it. He was all about the homeless. It encouraged me more to get this thing going. They are people too. I believe it. I'm still kind of scared of strangers though.

I think that might be because I'm bad at conversation. My friend noted recently that he does all the talking, and I just ask questions to keep him going. I don't know a lot about things to have a conversation. I lack a passion for something, which is unfortunate because everybody has a passion. So I don't know enough about anything to have a strong subject. I might actually be shy, way deep down. My mom told me I was, when I was younger. I lack having some opinions too. I haven't had lots of good conversations in my life, maybe because of this, or maybe if I had, these reasons wouldn't exist. The best ones I've had have been by getting the other to talk more.

So I think it would be awkward to walk up to someone I don't know and start a conversation for it just to stop. One of my friends I was talking to about this said that maybe that's okay. Just go try it anyway. Maybe it'll work. And God is amazing, and can just take over. I'll let him do that. I read somewhere that we should be kind to strangers, because you never know when they might be an angel. Maybe that's a little bit of a stretch, but hey, why not? Jesus said whatever you do for the least of these, you do for me. That should apply to everyone, right? Non-exclusive?

There are my excuses and my attempts to debunk them. I just need a job now, or someone to drive me. Except for the strangers thing. I'm going to go climb a mountain.

But What About...

2007-09-10T21:49:00.000-07:00

Everything starts small. I said something like that at least five times today. I almost said to someone that if something started big, it would probably collapse quickly. I'm glad I didn't say that. I don't want it to be true. I want things to able to start big, huge. I know it's a little silly. If you dive into something with all you have though, isn't that big? Maybe.

What if you didn't care about image? This isn't my thought. I stole it. If we didn't act for our image, how much different would we be? Would we act how we wanted? Would we stop trying to make the right people happy? Would we do what mattered to us instead of holding back to see what is cool and trendy?

Do we need to be cool? I've read books that have referred to the Bible lots. I'm not very good at reading the Bible. I've decided I must get better at it. I read a little bit though, because a friend of mine is going through 1 John with me. It says that the world doesn't know Christ, so it doesn't know you. It says that when some people do good things, the people doing bad things will hate them. It says we shouldn't fit and blend into the world. One book said that we shouldn't be cool. He said Jesus wasn't cool, so he doesn't think we should be. I think Jesus is cool. I think I get what he is saying though. It seems so complicated.

I'm a little bit of a control freak. A dic tator maybe. I don't think that's how leaders should be. I think they should be something else. More open maybe. More I-don't-know-what-is-going-on-either-but-here-we-go. I don't like planning. Somehow I'm in a ministry with the church, and they keep having these meetings. I don't like them. They are long and boring, and in the end, they get about half a page down. Sweet..2 hours to get half a page. I think the best plans come when you aren't having planning meetings. They just happen. 2 or 3 people. No committees... Dictator. But I don't want events to be choreographed like a play or a musical. But then they become directionless. Some planning is needed, I guess.

Planning would have been nice now. Then I could more adequately present my thoughts to you. Tell you what. I will wait a day or two or more, and then present you with the most beautiful post I can write.

I almost drowned today.

2007-08-22T21:49:00.000-07:00

A couple days ago, I day camp started for some kids, so us leaders met together and did some devotions to keep us tight with God. Groovy. We were told to find a fear that we have. To talk about it for a minute or two. I don't think about that a lot, so it took a bit, it ending up with me saying rejection. I almost thought it might have just been thrown out there to satisfy the demand. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. A few weeks ago, I told someone I was bad at doing stuff alone, like getting jobs or maybe even a girlfriend. I don't want one right now, but if I did, I would be bad at it. I was when I did. But it makes more sense to say that I'm bad at stuff because I'm scared of rejection. You don't have to worry about being rejected with your friends, or with a church group, unless you have sex as a teen, so you wouldn't really have to worry about rejection. It almost isn't even an option. But if out of this comfort zone, you're paralyzed with this fear, or just rendered useless, how can you adequately serve God? In 1 John it says that 'perfect love drives out fear'. In the group we said,'hey, what people think doesn't really matter in that regard. God loves me, so who cares if they don't?' Maybe, God can just deal with it for me.

A few years ago, I used to think that I wasn't really a person. I was just bits and pieces of other people around me, smashed all together. Like Frankenstein's monster. I think I'm my own person now. But I was having a good conversation, and the other described a combination of three people he thought could perhaps replace him when he left. It's an interesting idea. If you hang out with someone long enough, you become a bit of them, and they start to look a little more like you. In their person. That's probably why it's such a good idea to hang out with God so much. Character rubs off. I think I would probably be...

Really annoyed at television. Anywhere in my house. You can hear it. All the time. I really don't like it. It's distracting and loud and pointless. Satan-vision, as I heard a hero of mine call it once.

Wouldn't it be handy if we could stay up all the time? Didn't need sleep. Wouldn't we be so efficient? Well, considering how we use our time now, probably not. Spend days doing nothing. Yes, and then we can stay up for our nights, also doing nothing. I enjoy sleeping, and wouldn't pass it up for nothing. I don't think hanging out with friends is nothing. But I think most of my time spent with them might be wasted. Good conversations might be one of the best things around. I don't have a lot of them. Mostly because I don't have much knowledge of anything to talk about. The price of not having a passion. I guess it might also be because good conversations could go places we don't want to. I like them though. I think I want to have more of them.

Most of this blog is a badly repeated collage of good conversations I've had recently. So you should either recognize some of this blog from something said recently, live far away from me, or are due for a good conversation.

Welcome to Blogger

2007-08-11T22:25:00.000-07:00

I'm so happy right now. If I could play music, I would make a song right now. Unfortunately I can't think right now, so the song would be restricted to different variations of the first sentence. Hee hee. I recommend hot apple cider.

I've been thinking recently about people. I may have already told you how God loves people. God loves you, and me. I should love you like God loves you. But I'm loving something that you might not consider you. Define person. That's what matters. Person. People. Not the corpses we walk in now. I'm not adequately expressing what I want to. Think about it for a while, and you will probably know what I'm trying to say.

I went to a drama thing this morning. It wasn't really educational, but they are starting up a youth group. They are getting a name. Relatively new youth pastor. Just like my youth group. A little. The youth group is brand new. They've had the kids, just not the group. The youth pastor is brand new. Hot off the press, figuring it all out. Eventually. Forgive me for viewing it a bit like a game. It almost is. I think I got rid of a girlfriend by seeing life as a game, and letting her in on my perspective. Haha. Oops.

Worship is another thought. I like the worship that happens at youth groups. It's intense, and fun. But worship doesn't work the same alone. You can't worship God the same way. Everything we do is supposed to be worship. I don't understand that yet. I might not for a long time. That's okay. I'll stay here, and stay open, and one day, in good time, I won't understand it still. But I won't need too. That's just how it'll work. That might be a little too optimistic.

You can't be with friends all the time. You physically can't, and they probably wouldn't want to be near you for that long. And you can't be alone with God all the time. So what if you put the two together to build your entire life? That doesn't work. There is something missing. Sometimes I wish I had a passion, like music or sports or something like that. Then I would...I don't know. It probably wouldn't make me any better at talking. That's okay. I'll find something. I can wait.

This is a Terrible post.

2007-07-30T00:27:00.000-07:00

I think I need some new thoughts. No, that's not what I need. I need to get rid of old thoughts. Then the new ones will work better. Thoughts are what cause actions. Most times. So how you think directly impacts how you live. I've received and have been receiving potentially life changing thoughts for a while. I guess every thought is potentially life changing. But these new thoughts fade into to back. They aren't worse than the prominent thoughts that help me now, in fact, they are probably better. But they aren't used to living, and I'm not used to using them. It's a rut really. This is working alright, why change it? It might not work anymore if I do.

Computers make things happen. Events wouldn't take place as frequently. Always connected. Always with the ability to see who wants to do what where and when. This is the plus. The minus is that so much time is wasted by us ho sit here and ... Nothing. We take lots of things for granted. I think we would appreciate community so much more if we weren't always connected to one. I think it is almost time for another compy break. Full out. Nothing. No exceptions. That would be sweet, eh? That mean I'll be out of the loop, and unable to speak with some pretty groovy people. The loop runs in circles anyways, and it would be way sweeter to chill with my for off friends in person. Problems solved. Cool.

I found my Favourite place in the world. It is on Sidney Spit. I don't want to tell you where, because I want you to find it and make up your own mind on it without knowing that it is my favourite. What kind of complications could arise from this? You might think everywhere is my place, tainting everywhere you go. Okay. So you should go to Sidney Spit and search the island and remember the cool places. Then tell me what you thought of them, and I'll tell you where mine was, okay? Okay. I'll tell you something more in a couple months. If you have something important to tell me, you should phone me.

Cool

2007-07-25T10:29:00.000-07:00

Camp was super. Mostly because of Marcel. He's my hero. Let me tell you why. Sometimes, you're going through life, and you realize you aren't doing what you really want to be doing. Well, if what you want to be doing is to be living your life for God, you complain that it is hard because there is no example. He is an example. The coach of the Redskins is a bit of a jerk, but we love him. He plays excessively rough in sports. We played hockey against Marcel's team, and our coach was on my hero. Coach kept hitting hero, and hero just kind of danced away smiling. He was just as into it, but he didn't get angry at all.

You listen more to a speaker when you know that they follow what they are telling you. So, if you want a quick overview, Marcel preached...more like spoke with us, in P's. Precious, Prayer, Partnership, Poison, Pain, Paradise, Personal Contentment, and Potential. Each is a services worth, and when put together, you almost half a blueprint for a life you aren't living, but want to. At camp, I really wanted it to happen. Instant change. Knowing it wouldn't though, not there and even less likely here at home, I decided to cling to some small things. God loves you. Yeah, everyone has heard that. Well, not everyone, or we wouldn't be here. But do you know what that really means? I don't think you do. I don't think I do.

I read Matthew while I was up there. It was probably the most intense reading of Matthew I have ever had. Jesus is amazingly harsh. This is the line, and if you aren't over it, you die. Yeah, of course. We know that. If you said that in this age, people would ignore you. Or be offended, and you'd be in jail. But he has this line he tells his disciples about, and then sees the people and his heart breaks. God loves people. All miracles done in the Bible are done out of love.

Then people are the most important thing on the face of the Earth.
If anything you have is more important than the people around you, like your friends, or that stranger, or that homeless guy down the street, give it away. Let it go.

Live to give. Buy friends. The thought of heaven compels you. Love people.

But I don't have anything to give. I don't have a job. To be honest, I haven't done anything important in the last two days, or anything at all. On this day, day 3 of the nothing, I was doing nothing when I had a thought. I need to do some God stuff. There is world stuff. I do that sometimes. But I'm not doing anything right now. I'd rather do some God stuff. What is that? I don't know.

I want to live to give. I want to love people. I don't know how. Marcel does, but I really don't know him. I should move in with him. Eventually. But how do I move towards God now?

The Price of Convenience

2007-07-08T23:03:00.000-07:00

As summer progresses, so does summer fun. It is easy to become wrapped up in it. Fun with your friends everyday. Yes. What could possibly be better? It is good, no doubt. Something is left behind. I'm having fun, fully knowing God is missing out, because I'm not bringing him. He is the uninvited guest. I'm thinking I might actually be the one missing out. He has so much for us, just waiting. Waiting for us to say you can give me everything you have for me. I love you, finally, like I should, and the world doesn't matter. Well, I don't know how to love Him like that, but the thought counts. If you are trying, he sees that. I tried to play the of hackysack for years. Or at least a long time. I'm still not good at it, but since I have kept trying, I have gotten slightly better. If I didn't try, I would suck even more at it than I do now.

I'm not trying to love God crazily though. I'm content in the worst way. I like it here, and my conservation of energy likes to put forth the least effort possible to makes things better if they are already good. A long time ago, a saying came forth, and was somewhat forgotten. It was If problems are happening, you are doing something right. I am playing soccer. I want the ball. I will do whatever I can to stop the other team from getting the ball. From scoring. If they aren't doing anything, why attack them? I would attack the ones who are trying to score. Who are doing what they are supposed to. So then, If I were furthering God's kingdom, and acting as a child of God should, I would be the one big baddie #1 would try to take out. Distract. Lead astray. That would be better, because if I were doing what I was supposed to, that would help other people. They would follow. If I started falling, they might follow me there too.

What would Jesus do seems like a ridiculous saying. I was walking home, thinking about how to come back to where I should be. Well, maybe I could just apply this saying in all situations. But Jesus did some things that would be looked badly on if I followed that. Turning water into wine. He is at a big wedding. They ran out of wine. He made more. And he didn't drink any? That is silly. He hung out with prostitutes. He hung out with the 'bad crowd'. Sure, I guess we are called to do what Jesus did. However, I don't think the what matters as much as the why. Why would Jesus do it? Because the people who should have been weren't. So, who won't the church reach out to? That question might require digging. We've become a tolerant society. Tolerant of everything. I disagree with that idea, or at least the running definition of tolerant. The church won't necessarily spill all their secrets out whenever someone asks. What kind of secrets would those be? It seems like it was more doable back then. There was a plan. Retrospect is 20/20. There is a plan?

Censorship is a funny thing too. Jesus did some shady stuff, if you didn't know his motives. But, you can't go telling kids that Jesus did all that stuff, can you? Should He be painted all soft and sanitized? Maybe we teach kids incorrectly. But, they shouldn't be exposed to everything while young. They are just kids. They are just citizens. They wouldn't understand the problems that come up. Why this needs to happen. Why it had to be the way it did. Some things are better left untouched. But why? What if we tried to run something with no censorship? And then, what is the difference between that and privacy?

I'm thinking I'm probably not a very good leader right now. I shouldn't be leading a spy cell. You are supposed to lead them to God, and you can't lead them somewhere that you aren't going. I want to, but . I haven't been able to lead worship for a while. It is probably just circumstantial, however, I might attribute that to my current state. Recently, the youth group went to the Mustard Seed to help them out. They are a group that helps the homeless in Victoria. A verse was read. 'For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you? The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' Well, I sort of ignored them in general. I ignored the least of them, so then I am ignoring God? Is that how it works?

What are leaders though? I guess they are supposed to be perfect role models, ideally. But I'm not. Maybe I don't need to be though. Maybe I can just let them walk with me. Accountability. Change starts with individuals. We can walk together, loving God more and more.

We can try again. Start clean and refreshed. It doesn't have to be the same. We've been washed, right? Good old Christianese. But we are new. Different.

Functional

2007-07-02T21:29:00.001-07:00

Getting thoughts out of your head helps you put things together. Set things straight. Writing them down especially. Figure out if anything is wrong. I think something is wrong. Not obviously. More like the milk has gone rotten. Cannot tell until you open it up.

Life is good. It's summer. I'm done school. I'm working on getting a job. I go to Nanoose in a couple weeks. My nerd games are jacked up and good to go. Everything is good. Quiet. Like toddlers in the other room. When they are quiet, something is wrong. I don't know. I almost want something to be wrong. Quiet gets boring really fast. I lost focus again. When that happens, I empty. Well, yeah. I don't really have many real goals. Goals are essential to productivity. Goal: stay tight with God. Goal: Get a job. Goal: figure out what is next. I think those are most of my goals for now. The last one isn't coming. Not for a while. The second one might be complete soon. I can then check it off and feel grand. But the first one. I've been ignoring the first one. I've been having fun, doing stuff. But sometimes fun isn't so fun.

My little sister would go over to friends places, and went she came back, we would ask her if she had fun, and she would say no. I thought it was silly. Of course you were having fun. While you were there, would you say you weren't having fun? While it is happening, you think you are having fun. Why does your opinion change after?

I was cleaning up my computer a few days ago, and I found what I ended up calling a preblog. They were dated entries into a notepad. Back when I was in grade ten. It reminded me of my brother, because it read like he writes. I don't like how he writes. I try to separate myself from my siblings. You might say that is silly and I clearly don't know how family works. You would probably be right. My mom says they look up to me though. I don't know why really. I'm not someone you would want to emulate. That is what you want to happen when you look up to someone right? Right now I'm empty and lost and not entirely sure of how to fix it.

I don't really like it when people complain about things being hard when it only takes a little planning. Something small. I can't complain then. Throw a bit of time management in there, and it will run a little smoother. It's summer time. Time to switch it up.